Dumb and Dumberest! Share your stupidest garden endeavor.

I've been riding the bike almost daily since prices went up. I have a 2 hour a day commute and an SUV. Hybrids are looking better and better...

Yeah, gas prices are exactly why my husband is trying to get in into motorcycles. Which is funny because, other than his motorcycle, he drives a 79 Jeep with a V8, and I drive a little Geo that gets 45 mile per gallon. His vehicle is really is the gas guzzler.

Your Geo gets better mileage than my motorcycle! LOL!! That's funny! Not to mention you probably don't have to fill up the tank a bazillion times because it's so small!

I think it is time to revisit this thread.

It's just too danged funny to let it die.

mg

I'm sure I can find some more recent adventures to report (such as the story behind the 25 yards of horse manure that is now steaming to perfection in my driveway), and I hope others can as well. I really enjoyed finding out that I wan not the only one living with one foot over the line for sanity.

Jeremy

Many years ago we lived in Italy and rented a small summer villa (cottage) in the country. The garden was huge and I was not much of a gardener at that time. We were asked by the owners to keep their gardener - we would share paying him and we would get free vegetables to boot. It was absolutely lovely finding choice, fresh veggies on the kitchen step a couple of times a week. Meanwhile, the gardener had planted rows and rows and rows and rows (get the picture) of garlic.

One morning I found hundred and hundreds of the bulbs (with the long green stalks) on the back porch steps - in the sun. Ah, poor man, says I to myself. I help him out - such a lot of work in front of him. I'll just take off all the tops and the skin off the bulbs. I thought he was going to have a heart attack when he showed up later that afternoon. Between all his gesturing and screaming I got the gist that the bloody garlic was out there to "dry". My punishment ? My hands had absorbed so much of the garlic oils I couldn't stand myself and had to go to bed with gloves on - night after night. My husband said it was a good thing he loved garlic. I tried bleaching my hands, all kinds of creams, but nothing worked. I didn't even want to go shopping I had such an aura around me. It took a couple of weeks for the odor to gradually fade away.

I seriously think this is the funniest thread I have ever read in any forum, ever! Good thing no one is asleep here yet or else my obnoxiously loud laughing would wake them! Last summer I was helping a neighbor with her backyard. The backyard fence was covered in a jungle of Virginia creeper, and other super invasive vines, including poison ivy. Now considering that I'd had a bad reaction the previous year (it was in my pine tree, but I didn't know that that's what it was), you'd think I would have learned to stay away from it with a 10 ft pole. But no...one day I come up with this "brilliant" idea to just start ripping all this stuff down (bare-handed, short sleeve shirt) as quickly as I could, thinking that if I wasn't exposed for too long, that I could rub myself down with alcohol, take a shower, and wash my clothes, and everything would be great. It had been less than an hour after my shower and my arms started to tingle. I ended up with PI all over and was on multiple dose packs of prednisone. The itching was so intense that it literally felt like it was inside my body--I scratched myself until I bled and it didn't help. It took the whole summer to get rid of that horrific rash. I guess I should be glad though. Mine felt horrible, but at least it didn't look like this: http://www.poison-ivy.org/rash/index.htm

Tamara

Eeewwwwww! Those BIG blister-y ones are wretched. I'm starting to itch all over just looking at them. We never took pictures of my husband's hands and arms after he cleaned out the bottom of the lawn mower right after mowing through a weed patch....full of poison ivy. I didn't see any pics of yet another delicate spot to get PI. I didn't see it with my own eyes, but was told by the victim, of what can happen when you drop your drawers in the woods to relieve yourself. Apparently, it was a deep squat. 'Nuff said.

All joking aside... thank you so much Tamara for your poison ivy link. My kids (that I have been screaming at for years to stay away from wild parsnip, poison ivy, poison oak, and poison sumac) were all standing here in front of the computer looking at those photos and none of them were making wise cracks or sporting the "give me a break Mom" body language. They all just stood there looking at one photo after the next with their mouths open. Those are pretty nasty photos and I'm glad you posted that link. We've got Wild Parsnip growing in ditches here now and the kids need to know that my harping on the wasn't a neurotic Jewish mother deal but the real deal. Seeing is believing. They believe now.

Hey, here's a link to a thread on Wild Parsnip. Getting too close to this plant will leave one in far worse condition than getting too close to PI, PO, or PS-
http://davesgarden.com/forums/t/623148/

Add that beastly plant to your list of plants to stay away from, stay very far away from that thing.

Isn't it nice when every once in a while, when mom actually knows something.

My husband started referring to me as "The Fun Police" around here. I would be talking to the kids about something like "don't jump from trees into a moving target lawn tractor cart piled with grass clippings" and he'd be standing behind me mocking me. Made me want to turn around and bop him in the head. Let him take the kid to the hospital to get stitches in his head for trying to jump down from a tree into a moving tractor cart driven by another kid who is zigzagging to make the other kid miss his mark. I realize boys will be boys but that's just flat out stupid to me and puts them in the class of Darwin award wannabes. Aside from that I hate blood, particularly when it is one of my own kids. Anyway, I can always tell when my husband does it behind my back because the kids will stop having eye contact with me and will be looking beyond me suppressing giggles. I'm making my husband look at the photos later on when he comes home. I've been harping on them about Wild Parsip and the others for quite a few years and they always used to give me that deer in the headlamps blank stare like I'm out of my mind or they patronized me which is worse. Not this time. They took a look at those photos and none of them were laughing.

I'm glad the link helped! I found that when I was first affected by the PI, and it gave me solace that it could have looked much worse than it did! Oh, I thought of something else dumb I did. I was at my mom's trying to dig out mint that had roots down to China and also some hosta that I was going to transplant. I yanked, pulled, strained, swore, pulled some more, swore some more. ;-) And of course, I was hunched over, and pulling with my puny back muscles instead of using my arms and legs. The next morning I couldn't move an inch! My back hurt so bad that I thought I did something to my spine! My mom had to come over and take care of the kids so my DH could take me to the ER. Turns out I just pulled the muscles along my spine, but MAN ALIVE did that hurt! Tamara

Eesh, changed my mind.

This message was edited Mar 10, 2007 8:13 AM

Lauren I'm sorry but LOL that is too funny!!! I have the whole picture in my mind. FOFLOL!!!!

Jeri

Gardening, it's a dangerous sport but somebody's got to do it. Thanks to active participants like me, zone5girl, and all the rest of us out there who risk life and limb (toss head in too)... the sport will be around for spectators to enjoy for many generations.

Equilibrium, that mud story is sooo funny! It reminds me of when I let my 2 older boys outside to play the day after we had a heavy rainfall. Here is the result:

Behold! The next generation of gardeners!

You done good!

This is the funniest thread on DG..

I'll second THAT Betty Gail! I don't think I've ever laughed quite so hard as I have at these stories. I've been trying to think of something that may have happened that would "qualify" for this thread. So far, those memories are buried deep in the depths of my mind.

Thanks to all for your heartfelt contributions to this thread. You all make it so easy to visualize the stories. There ought to be a forum called "As the Garden Turns!"

Janet
edited to correct a typo spotted just as it was sending

This message was edited Feb 4, 2007 7:57 PM

"As the Garden Turns" I love it.......LOL

Glad to see I'm not the only one out there who could care less about the Super Bowl.

LOLOLOLOL We are on Satelitte and I don't think hubby can FIND it! Frankly, my dear.... well you know the rest!

I do love this thread...I think we should just have a whole forum dedicated to it! I remember that when I first started gardening I planted roses in a shady area, an alkaline-soil-loving plant in acidic soil, a drought-tolerant plant in heavy, wet clay, etc. The list goes on. One year I had literally over 100 tomato volunteers (in a 10 x 10 bed) and I thought it would be fun to let them all grow. That didn't work out so well. I tried to start a compost pile in the middle of the backyard (I forget my reasoning at the time) and DH had a FIT! (picture the Incredible Hulk metamorphosis) Normally, he's a laid back kind of guy, but my gardening stuff sometimes drives him crazy. Last summer, I was weeding or something and throwing stuff behind me. I somehow managed to punch the pitch fork (that was laying near me) right between my knuckles. It's felt like I have arthritis in that spot ever since. Oh, lol, I just thought of something embarassing...I was in the garden and felt an itch on my umm, chest. I scratched it and kept working, but it didn't go away. I was scared that somehow the PI had managed to make its way *there* and so I decided to check. I let out a blood curdling scream and started jumping up and down like a crazy woman! I found a beetle like bug crawling around in my bra! ***AAACCCKKKK*** I can deal with bugs, worms, spiders, etc in the garden, but once you are in my underclothing, you have gone too far! I thought I was going to need therapy after that. ;-) Tamara

In the days when I had a full-time job, I liked to take a theraputic stroll around the garden as soon as I got home in the evening. One evening, I'm looking at my flowerbeds and I see weeds everywhere. I have plenty of time before I need to start dinner, so I begin pulling weeds. I'm still wearing my office clothes, a nice blouse tucked into a long, full skirt. After a few minutes, I begin to feel an irritating itch around my waistline. I scratch it, and suddenly the itch turns into a sensation like being stuck with a pin. I frantically pull my blouse up and pull my skirt waist away from my skin. I inadvertantly pull my underwear away from me as well, and the stinging insect falls into my panties. I'm now hopping around trying to hold my panties away from me to let the insect drop out of the leg holes. It refuses to co-operate, and doggedly crawls back up to my waist, from where it finally takes flight. I don't think the neighbors saw this. If they did, they kindly never mentioned it.

Likely story you two. Be honest now, you're closet exhibitionists!

Jeremy, thanks for starting this thread - it's been a lot of fun to read. And Gayle, thanks for bringing it back for those of us who missed it the first go round.

June, your story reminded me of an experience I had while gardening at a community plot some years ago. I had several bad experiences with that garden that are laughable now - like the bumble bee in my pants that stung me 8 times! Before driving home to treat the area, I had to know the bee was no longer in my pants. The only person around to help was this nice retired gentleman with a neighboring garden. I was a little embarrassed to ask Pete if he would "look in my pants" to be sure the bee was gone, but I had to know. I guess he wasn't too offended- he gave me a cantaloupe!

Once home, I discovered one of the bee's barbed legs was still caught in my underwear. I glued it onto a page of my garden journal as proof of my story and still have it today!

Debra

A few nights ago, I went back and reread this entire thread (I wasn't sure which of my many misadventures upon which I had reported). I once again, literally, had to laugh out loud with tears in my eyes for some of your shared stories. Thanks to all for sharing and keeping alive this zany confessional thread!

I can share in the stinging insect in the pants stories, though my story remained a private affair and I didn't have to call in a consultant, as did poor Debra! LOL

I was doing some paid garden chores for a longtime friend when I happened to stir up a nest of yellow jackets that were harbored beneath a rotting log. Suddenly the swarm was all around me and I was swatting and slapping and dancing like a trained bear. The yellow jackets seemed to have a sense for finding the most sensitive spots to sting. They landed in the thin skin between my fingers and on the underside of my wrist, and avoided my more Florida-sun leathered areas. One Kamikaze yellow jacket must have gone to special tactical training for finding the most sensitive spot to sting. In the midst of the attack, I felt something crawling around in my underwear, but didn't think it possible for a bee to get in there. I usually wear short pants and a T-shirt (or less!) when I'm gardening, but on this day, I happened to have on my Marine issue camo pants with the ribbons that tie around the ankles, which I suppose were invented by some military fashion designer that once had an unfortunate visitation by an insect up his or her pants leg. My uncertainty about the crawling insect sensation ended abruptly when I felt an acute burning sting in my left testicle. I realized that the Marine issue pants had a button fly and this clever terrorist bee had managed to find a gap between the buttons and had launched an assault on my most vulnerable and valuable resources. I began pounding upon my crotch, a most unpleasant sensation, as any man can attest, but possibly not as painful as a bee nip on the nads. I ran into my friend's bathroom and quickly stripped down my pants and underwear. The heroic yellow jacket flew out and swirled around my head, in a victory spiral resembling the small planes attacking King Kong on the Empire State Building, especially in that I began swatting and growling with ape like guttural roars and curses, trying to knock the barnstorming pilot to the ground. I finally did manage to swat it to death with a towel and could then turn my attention to the damage it had caused -- nothing permanent fortunately, and perhaps, like most men, additional size in these organs, even if due to a painful swelling, was considered an acceptable means of "male enhancement."

Though I usually err on the side of "live and let live" for all creatures, in an atypical fit of genocidal rage, I asked my friend if she had any wasp and hornet spray, and finding that she did (she had also been the victim of a previous yellow jacket raid, but shared that her experience had not been as intimate an encounter as mine), I proceeded to wipe out the entire yellow jacket colony, justifying whatever bad karma may result by saying I was doing it to protect my friend's small grandchildren that sometimes visited and played in the woods (but my ulterior motive, I must admit, was pure revenge and I delighted in seeing the nut nickers dive bomb to their deaths!!.

I may write to the Marine Corps and suggest they put a strip of Velcro down that fly opening. And BTW -- maybe that is why that gap came to be known as a "fly?"! I shall forever more think of it as a wicked wasp flap.

Jeremy

Jeremy,

Your little nip in the nad story should be published. I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. I haven't laughed this loud in a long time. With your permission I've just got to print off a copy for my dad to read. In addition to the great subject matter, you have a way with words.

OK, with all of the talent here on DG, we need to find an editor who will collect our gardening mishap stories and turn them into a best seller. These are just too good to not share. The editor could get a % of the profits with the rest going into the Angel Fund.

Print away, Marie! I'm always happy to know my stories are enjoyed.

I've had the same idea of searching through DG and editing some of the posts (after seeking the admins' approval) to make a "throne book" (humorous stories to read in the john). There is a wealth of great humor and personal anecdotes to be found in the threads on DG. Everyone can remain anonymous, if they wish, under their screen names and I had the same thought in mind of making the book some sort of charitable cause. Trouble is, I have so many projects percolating at any one time that I can't keep up with even the basic ones (like cranking out oil paintings often enough to be taken somewhat seriously as a professional artist).

I am working on my first novel and it is coming along nicely whenever I can sit down and pound the keyboard for several hours. One chapter is down on paper and edited ad infinitum to the smallest detail for the perfect words; another chapter has begun, and the rest is still fragmented and fomenting in my fervid brain. I'm enjoying the writing process and wish I had enough financial support and stability to just focus my entire attention on creative pursuits (which would include a healthy dose of several hours of gardening each day, of course!), but haven't yet found the way to make the money flow my way so that I can just wile away the hours at the easel and the keyboard and playing in the dirt. But Spring hopes eternal....

Jeremy

Jeremy,

Sadly, I laughed about your escapade with the yellow jackets. You told that story so well that I felt like i was watching it happen.

You should show us some of your work on the Artisans Forum. We'd all love to see what you have painted. Many share their art and their passions there. Check it out if you can.

Janet

Thanks, Janet. I wasn't aware the Artisans Forum had been created. I'll be sure to watch what is going on there and post some photos of my work -- hopefully some new paintings if I can ever get my life organized enough to paint (or just drop everything and sequester myself away from the world and all its woes for a few hours a week).

I always try to find the humor in my escapades and I'm always happy when others can find amusement also. Being able to laugh at life (usually after the fact, when I've had time to get over the hurt) is one of my best coping mechanisms for continued survival and I think it serves us well in many circumstances. I seem to spend my life careening recklessly across the fine line between tragedy and comedy (with the Karma Police Department in hot pursuit in a high speed chase! LOL).

Jeremy

Hi Jeremy,

Humor is always a good thing. (In the words of a famous comedian) I don't care WHO you are! I'm a lot like you in that I always try to find the humor in any given situation.

Here is a link to the Artisans Forum. http://davesgarden.com/forums/f/artisans/all/ It was created sometime last summer, in August, I think.

There are a whole lot of nice folks in there. All kinds of artists using all kinds of mediums. All of them talented! One thing I really enjoy about it is that while folks are always nice, they are also very honest about their opinions, or so it seems to me anyway.

I hope you are able to spend more time with your painting. I don't paint, but sure admire folks that are able to visualize things and then bring them to "life" on canvas, etc.

Keep those funny stories coming Folks. They really brighten my day!

Janet

Thanks, Janet. When you mentioned the Artisans Forum, I immediately went there and have already posted a note and some photos of my paintings!

http://davesgarden.com/place/t/674868/

It will be great to check in to that Forum on a regular basis, though I already spend so many hours in the Florida Forum that I think Christina is about to beat me with a stick on a daily basis to make me get off-line and get to the easel (but after the beating, I generally wander out to the garden and play in the dirt instead of going to the easel to paint -- so many distractions, so many interests ....so little time.....)

I also hope we will get some more confessions of dumb maneuvers on this thread! I feel less alone in my buffoonery when I hear that others are also tripping over the light fantastic! LOL

Jeremy

ROTFLMAO!! Jeremy, you do have a way with words. Your 'nut nickers' story was funny enough, but your fabulous choice of words made it all the better. My sides hurt from laughing so hard.
Debra

Off to see your artwork now.

Just found this thread. How funny!!!!!
Jeremy...you are not another Carl Haiisen are you? You sound just like him. You book should be great. All the stories were wonderful, if you can read them through all the tears from laughter.
I also loved the one about getting locked out and the security company reviewing the tape. Ha. Oh, what a tangled web we weave.......
I do not have a funny story, but a garden mistake all around. We owned this property we now live on a few years before moving.....I had no excuse. I loved the natural setting...the ferns and wildflowers. I thought that naturalizing some day lillies here and there would be beautiful. So I went out and bought hundreds of dollars worth of bulbs and planted all over. Soon summer came and the lillies were coming up and hundreds of fat buds of all colors were ready to burst! I came home from work for lunch and a neighbor stopped by. I went to show her all my new lillies and all I found were deer tracks and stalks.
Moral to the story. Ck out wildlife's eatting pattern before planting. That new bow and all the hunting equipment cost me a bundle.

I have one little funny story that I can share.

When we bought the little farm where I live today, the pasture had some funny looking weeds in it. My DH thought himself to be quite the farmer but he wasn't sure what was growing out there. All went well and the horses made a wide circle around the "weeds" growing in the pasture. About a week after we moved in one of the neighbors came to visit. He laughed and asked how we liked the pasture. DH said he wasn't sure what was growing out there. The neighbor laughed and said that the seller got a real deal on seeds at the farm store. They gave him a 100 LB bag of seed that they had swept up from the seed room. Only problem was about 1/3 was turnip seeds. The neighbors offered to come back in the fall and dig up the "weeds". LOL. Nope, we plowed them up and planted real bought grass seed. LOL

Betty

This thread is too good to go by the wayside. Bumping up the hilarious escapades for anyone that might have missed them.

Recently I put my streptocarpus leaves in medium, wrong side up. The cut side must remain in the medium. Yesterday when I looked one poor desperate leaf was upside down but growing babies on the top anyway.

Another time years ago, I was demonstrating to some neighborhood kids how early poke was edible. I followed the usual approach and cooked them way my mom did in the Smokies or my dad did in Mississippi. I made the mistake of telling the kids (very impressionable!) that if not handled right or picked at the wrong time, it could make someone very sick. You guessed it! A couple of mothers called and wanted to know just exactly why I had fed a posionous weed to their children.

OMG just found this thread and laughed so hard my coworkers came running into the office demanding to know what was so darn funny. (So now I'm busted, they know I'm not working! :) ).

Still wiping the tears from my face and gently massaging my ribs,
pam

Mine is kind of embarassing... My neighbour had rented a huge container, she is remodelling. She told me I can put stuff in it too, so a few nights ago I wanted to put some big boxes in it that were used to ship trees to me. I didn't feel like cutting them up, and the paper truck won't take them as a whole.
Ofcourse, I remembered this in the middle of the night, so I got up, in my PJ's, and walked down the street with my huge box. Nice and dark, nobody out.
I throw the box in, and it hangs there, half in, half out, so I climbed into the container to move the box.
Right then, a police car pulled in next to it, shined it's light at me and told me to show myself. I stood up, on the pile of crap, and my pants fell down.... Boy, did I feel like a dog!!! The cop asked me what I was doing IN there, and I explained, my face red as a beet!
Lesson? Buy SMALL trees!!!

Christie