Dumb and Dumberest! Share your stupidest garden endeavor.

Two episodes come to mind:

First - stepping on a rake head so that the handle snapped up & konked me in the head "Three Stooges" style, raising an egg-sized bump on my forehead. Not believing I could be so stupid, I actually staggered about the yard for a few moments searching the bushes for what I was sure must be a hidden rock-wielding attacker.

Second - siting a tossed out huge container plant in my neighbor's trash, waited till after midnight to sneak out & try to gracefully snag it while my trusty Doberman looked on. I gracefully managed to knock down all 4 metal trash cans into the street in the process (which caused my "trusty" Doberman to say "feets don't fail me now" & take off for home) & although I did manage to get the plant home, it turned out to be some sort of citrus, COVERED with huge thorns, & scale to boot. Lasted about 6 months for me before giving up the ghost.

my two children always used my riding mower to take care of the yar. one day i decided to "show them" that dad could still gert the job done without them. after i had finished, i was riding it back to the garage intending to stop and open the doors. imagine my surprise when the brakes failed and i crashed into the garage door splitting the wooden door in two. not only that, but the mower sought of climbed up the door and fell back on me and i was pinned under it with the motor running. luckily i had to good sense to turn it off. my boys told me that the brakes hadn't worked for years.
decided then and there to replace both wooden doors with metal ones.

Ouch Herbie, I hope you weren't hurt, LOL, how had they been stopping the mower? I hope you don't mind, but the image of this in my head has given me the giggles!

SInce you weren't hurt I guess it's OK to laugh! Oh the picture I am getting!!!

LOL!!

Nicole

since they knew the brakie didn't work they knew enough to put it into neutral when they wanted to put it away.

i wish i had a picture of it.

ROFLMAO!!!!! This is one of the most hilarious threads I've ever read!!!

But, everyone, watch out for Jeremy - if you read his last story, he really didn't identify his new love Christina as a WOMAN. Is she? Or what is she?? A cat??? A dog??? A ferret?? A skunk??? A rat??? (See a theme here?) Cough it up, Jeremy - what is she, EXACTLY?? hehehehehehehehehehe

Thanks to all for sharing your zany adventures. My psychotherapist was able to read the dead piano story without having me committed, so there is hope in that response, I think.

And Perkasky, as far as I can tell from recent close personal inspection, Christina is an anatomically correct female human. She continues to tolerate my "eccentricities." I no longer need to unload the van in the dead of night to keep her from seeing what the latest haul of "garden art" might be.

Keep the stories coming!

Jeremy

Good for you!! You were so mysterious in your post about her, I didn't know what to think!! HEHEHEHEHEHEHE I hope you know what a treasure you have in her, what with your sense of adventure! LOL

So what did you get her for your anniversary! Can you tell?

Marilyn

This message was edited Sep 14, 2005 8:37 PM

Christina and I met at a convenience store in Middleburg (one of our more rural Florida towns with authentic red clay roads) as a result of a Yahoo online profile hook-up. So, being the hopeless romantic that I am, my traditional anniversary gift for her is Moon Pies and Slim Jims. However, this second year we both agreed we didn't like Moon Pies and the Slim Jims jerky from last year was still frozen in the fridge (sort of like that first slice of wedding cake that some people save). I opted for a more customary gift of a dozen roses (turned out to be 13 in the bunch, which she considered a good omen - ?- gotta wonder about that) and a hand made card.

My greatest concern about the coming and going of our second anniversary of cohabitation was that my Tacca integrifolia (White Bat Flower) wasn't in bloom. It was blooming when we met and flowered again last year on time. This year it suffered some sort of die back or perhaps a prolonged dormancy and I thought it was irretrievably dead. Fortunately, it recovered and has made healthy green leaves, but no flowers. I've got to get it back on its regular blooming schedule or else I will never remember our anniversary date is approaching from year to year.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I drove down to the back waters of Middleburg to meet Christina, but sometime soon after we began our first conversation, she mentioned that she had once read a book. I decided from that bit of information that we might have a basis for a relationship, and I appear to have been correct. We had one Jerry Springer show fight early in our time together in which we both revealed our demons and ugliest sides and seem to have mutually decided that event was not much fun, so we now go about our day to day life without much friction and a lot of mutual enjoyment. At 55, I was settling comfortably into a solitary life of communing happily with my plants and making art, and not looking for love, but she came along and, being about 10 years younger than me, has added a lot of energy and interest to my existence. I think I'll keep her.

Jeremy

Jeremy you have such a way with words! You have a natural ability to make people laugh! I imagine Christina constantly has the giggles!

Oh and I assumed from your posts you were around 24! LOL!! I bet Christina has to keep up with you!

Nicole

How lovely!!! Relationships like yours inevitably last. As long as you can laugh at life's ups and downs, there's nothing you can't get through. Congratulations to both of you! (Tell her I'm jealous - I'm still looking.)

Marilyn

Fifty-wha????

I think nc was being generous, I had you pegged for a college kid.

Just goes to show you, the power of testosterone.

What a riot. How much life insurance does Christina have on you? You think you'll keep her? I think you need a keeper!

mg

hello, just thought i'd get in on the action and share one of my mishaps with everyone. infact this little incident just happened today.

being an earth conscious gardener, i recycle, and in as many forms as possible, whether it be composting, taking things to a recycling center, or finding inventive ways to reuse old things. due to the lack of a curbside recycling program in my area, and to make less trips for me, i save old soda cans and boxes, etc. in my garage until i get a car full and then deposit them at the local recycling center. it usuallys take four to six months for me to acquire a car full, and during that time period everything sits in my garage.

now, my garage, isn't a garage by today's standards...it might have been once, but now...picture one of those rustic country barns, the type that border on decay and dilapidation...it's got a few leaks, unintentional sky lights, only the occasional patch of stucco left on the wood, dirt, and spiders. I live in the "historic" part of town and my house was built around 1910. while previous owners have done an excellent job maintaining it, the garage obviously went unnoticed.

Well, i had a trade to send out to another DG member today, so i went to the garage to get a box. and i picked a nice box...just the right size, in perfect shape, no writing or anything on the outside that might confuse the post office. so, i happily packed the box with goodies and headed off to the post office to send it. I arrived, set the package down on the counter, the woman slid it towards her and picked it up to put it on the scale to weigh it...and that's when it happened...a little garage dirt and a dead spider fell off the bottom of the box on to her.

She freaked out! she screamed "what was that!" tossed the box on the counter and jumped back. after regaining some of her composure, she stepped forward and proceeded to get mad at me. she cleaned the counter the way that a person who is afraid to touch some thing would clean it...with a tissue between two fingers, arm fully extended, with her body as far away from the mess as possible. i tried to reassure her that it was just alittle dirt, all to no avail. she treated me suspisciously for the rest of the transaction. if you've ever sent a package you know that the postal worker will always ask, "are you sending anything liquid, flammable, perishable, fragile, HAZARDOUS, or ILLEGAL"...she really put emphasis on the hazardous and illegal part when she asked me that question and i don't think she believed me when i told her no.

so, now i've raised a red flag in the postal system, i'm sure. i've already warned the recipient of the package not to be too surprised when they get their box and it's already been opened and has a letter from the post office in it claiming that it was part of a "random" quality or security check.

jess

ROTFLOL - Jess! I wish I had been a customer waiting in line behind you! The image of the arachniphobic postal clerk is priceless. Living in Roswell, as you do, I would think the clerks would have handled all sorts of alien beings in shipments by now. LOL What a hoot! Thanks for sharing.

Jeremy

I love Jeremy's writing style. It cracks me up.

This message was edited Mar 10, 2007 8:01 AM

omg, I think I just woke up the neighbors laughing so hard, lolol.

Might I suggest you keep a change of clothes in that treehouse? rofl!!!!!!

butterqueen: You woke up the neighbors? Big deal! I just wet my pants I was laughing so hard!!! What a great story!! The only problem I see with it, Equilibrium, is that it probably isn't over, is it? HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

LOL Marilyn, perhaps we all need to keep a change of clothes nearby? lolol

Oh how I wish I could see those 'tapes from the date of occurence'

Rachel

Me too!!!! ROFLOL!!!!

Eesh, changed my mind. Jax's story is a gut buster, that's for sure.

This message was edited Mar 10, 2007 8:05 AM

OMG......I don't think that the actual video of the 'occurrence' could top the mental video that I have. I'm just missing details like the color of your undies. Are you a simple white......or perhaps a wild animal print. The cat thinks I've gone over the deep end.....tears of laughter streaming down my face.....I can barely breathe. You are lucky that your husband could have a good laugh.....I don't see mine laughing.....it could have gotten ugly around here. By the way, he has locked himself out several times (fully clothed however) and we now have a 'key safe'. Your spare key is safely tucked inside this little safe that is screwed into your house and can only be opened with a combination. Of course, you could just continue to offer really great entertainment for not only your neighborhood, but DG'er as well.

Thank you so very much :-))

That is TOO FUNNY!!!! LOL repeated infinitum.

The only time I can recall getting locked out of the house was by one of my dogs.

Had just returned from a trip back to NY to pick up some of our stuff left behind from our move to VA. Our big Tennessee Plott Hound - Bruno - (nicknamed "Doodie Head" - a polite way of expressing what my husband usually called him) was so happy to see me (he's really "my" dog) that while my husband & I were outside unloading the vanload of stuff, he jumped up on the door & turned the lock.

As we stood there on the porch, arms laden, watching this huge maniacal dog jump up & down dieing to welcome me home, my husband, for some reason, did NOT find it funny when I turned to him & said "So who's the Doodie Head now??? I'm thinking you're the Doodie Head".

Luckily, we were able to snap out one of the living room screens & get the window open to a point where I could boost hubby thru.

And Breezy, I feel for you with the dog. That is exactly how I got locked out the second time. My dog saw the squirrels and wanted to charge them. Wanna nice young energetic Great Dane... blue light special that week.

This message was edited Mar 10, 2007 8:08 AM

I have absolutely nothing that can come close to your stories Equilibrium & Jax!
Here's a few of my not-so-grand moments...

In 1996 we had a snowstorm that shut down the state for 3 days. I went out to
shovel snow w/the garage door opener (no key) and just a sweatshirt (I get very
warm when working hard so why bother with a coat). Of course, the garage
door opener wouldn't work when I was done. My neighbors let me in their house
and use their phone. No one could come to help with the locks - the roads
were shut down. I had double key deadbolts so would have to break a window.
They were all small old multi-pane types. Argh! As I was about to smash,
I tried the garage door opener one last time AND IT WORKED.

And I've had a few "incidents" with my Kubota tractor. Its pretty big - 21HP with
front end loader. I had never been on a tractor before I bought this one so I wasn't
a very experienced driver. I took down parts of the fence around the field and
took out chunks of wood around the shed I store it in. But the fence I took down
created a nice opening and I never did put it back up. The chunks out of the
wood around the shed door are another matter.

I also took out a section of fence with my rototiller (a 5hp Troybuilt Pony). I guess
I hit a rock and it skipped out of control. Didn't have fast enough reflexes (or maybe
just too stuborn to admit defeat) to stop it before it plowed through the fence. I guess
it wasn't as bad as a my friend's episode with his tiller. He apparently hit a section
of woven fencing his wife had made - he said it was almost slow-motion as the
tiller just pulled the whole thing into its tines and tore it apart.

Tam

Yes, the piano story takes the cake. His writing style brings it all alive for me. I have lichen laden stumps here but no piano parts. I am deprived.

I haven't destroyed any property lately. My body, yes... but no property. I think I would sit down and cry if I did some of the things you did Tam. I work so hard around here that I do really get upset if I break something. I know it's just property that can be replaced and that if I'm ok then all will work out in the end but aren't those Kubota tractors more expensive than a Cadillac? And that rototiller, isn't that like over a thousand dollars? I sure hope the fencing didn't rip up your equipment. I don't know if I even want to own anything that nice with my track record. I'm not all that graceful and am definitely not all that coordinated.

My equipment is fine! Those Kubota's are expensive but extremely tough. And true too
for the rototiller. I think the scariest thing that ever happened with the Kubota was the time
I got mired in the mud near the spring that runs through the property. I got too close trying
to mow down the weeds. I backed up and no luck. I just kept getting into a worse position
each time I tried something new. I had an hour or so of panic - "now how the heck will I ever
get out of this one?" and so walked away for a while. When I came back, I decided to try
driving straight into the spring to cross it. (Of course its uphill on both sides of the spring).
I was able to finangle out somehow. But the muddy boggy soil that was the spring bed
was just gutted. I spent several back breaking hours digging it back into a semblance of
order.

At least I had all my clothes on though ;-)
Tam

Equilibrium, I had to read your story out loud to Christina in order to fully savor the hilarity of your saga! I laughed and laughed and it only got better with the details! Thanks for being so willing to divulge your zany adventure. It seems that those of us that are contributors to this thread need to be all living together in a "gated community" -- one were we are safe from the judgemental outside world observing our antics and where we are free to pursue our madness --- oh, wait! Maybe that's what asylums are for??!

Thanks all for the great laughs!

Jeremy

Ha, a gated community... too funny. Would we be allowed to take our plants with us?

I have to admit that I showed my husband photos of the home dog grooming job above. His comments were that he could see me trying something like that to save the $54 plus tip we give the groomer. His only request was that I please not attempt to groom any of our animals.

As far as the piano, what can I say. My husband said if that ended up over here he would toss a hand grenade into the middle of it and that would take care of that! I don't quite think he appreciated the process by which you came to acquire that fine lawn ornament.

Haven't checked this thread since around the 1st, and can't believe what I missed! ROTFLOL I have an excellent imagination, and Equilibrium's adventures .....well, what more can be said. I should probably avoid this thread until the ribs heal because it hurts to laugh - especially that hard - but good entertainment is hard to come by.
Sharon

A pillow! Get a pillow and lean into it whenever you feel the urge to laugh or sneeze or cough. Nice wide masking tape wrapped around those ribs a few times helps better but doctors are sadists and won't tape you any more because of the risk of pneumonia. Just be sure to peel off the tape before you go to bed.

Disclaimer, I am not a medical doctor. I have broken more than my fair share of ribs though and this is what works for me. I tape myself! Now come back real soon stownes and maybe you could share a tasty tid bit from your past with the rest of his here??? Come on, surely you've done something up there with what has been posted here. You're amongst friends, tell us please!

Equil!! ROTFLMBO!!!

Can't even put into words how funny that was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for sharing!!

Nicole

Nicole, oh please share something so I don't feel like an absolute idiot. I went to breakfast with my girlfriends who know about the incident because they were the ones who told me not to change surveillance companies after they saw the bill and comments. I told them I had told about what happened on the Internet here at DG and they were shocked and the first word out of my one girlfriend's mouth was, "They don't know your name do they". I know everybody has had to have done something comparable.

Please friends; don't leave me, Jeremy, Nancy, or the others out here in this thread sharing our dumb and dumbest by ourselves.

Hmmmm,,,,

I will have to think. Most of my stories are me running into things, falling down, and or tripping.

Here's one but I am not near the story teller you are!

Bought my second motorcycle - brand new this Spring. My previous bike was a Honda 250 rebel that cost $1,000. Never dropped it, never scratched, nothing. New motorcycle is a Honda VFR800 - quite a bit bigger and a LOT more expensive. Still not as expensive as a Harley though! LOL

Anyway, as I sat on it umpteen million times in the showroom before I bought it I just had a feeling that one day it would get dropped. It is BIG.

One weekend when my husband was out of town on business I drove up there and without telling a soul bought it!

It took 3 weeks for the shop to lower it for me. A week after I bought it I decided to drive to Myrtle Beach to see a girlfriend, by myself. I figured if that didn't get me over the fear of it's size nothing would!

Got almost there just fine. Pulled in to a gas station to smoke a cigarette of all things. Men everywhere, on motorcycles, with 4-wheelers in the backs of their pickups. Pretty crowded.

I pulled in, drove over to the side and put one foot down.. the other - welll, it went down all right - with the whole bike! Broke off the right mirror but other than that the only thing messed up was my pride!

I did learn one thing though - if you want to pick up men just pull into a parking lot and drop a motorcycle! They come running from everywhere! Whoopsie! Oh my goodness I dropped my bikey poo! LOL!!!

Nicole

Oh and here's my bike BEFORE I broke her in!

For some strange reason I named her Lucy - first time I've named anything other than pets and kids!

Oh, and the second time I dropped her (yea there was a second time..) a fireman of all things came to my aide! :) Yes, I'm married but NOT blind! LOL!!!

Only twice dropped - so far, it's only been 4,000 miles! lol!!

Nicole

Nicole, you just ain't right. lol

p.s. invest in some training wheels hun. ;)

Oh, nice bike! I should let my husband read that story. He's really into motorcycles and is trying to get me one now, too! I have a feeling that would be disaster waiting to happen...or atleast another great story to post here!

Start with a small one!! Take it from me! LOL!!

Very very nice bike. Is that one of those expensive bikes they call a crotch rocket?

"Whoopsie! Oh my goodness I dropped my bikey poo!"
OH MY GAWD! Now I am really laughing.

Well it's a crotch rocket but not an expensive one. I can not justify spending tons of money on something that is a want vs. a need! Unless it's going in my yard of course!

Harleys are expensive. That's what my dh wanted me to get and I said no way! Besides my bike is waaayy faster than most Harleys!! LOL!

Nicole

He he he, bet you're glad you got that bike now that gas prices are hovering around $3 a gallon. If I had one I'd be driving to work on it in hose and heels with my briefcase strapped somewhere and my skirt flapping behind me in the breeze. I am cheap, very cheap and filling up my gas tank and spending almost $60 each week really gets to me. I almost feel as if I should take a tranquilizer before I go to the pumps. Maybe I'll get up enough courage to buy a motorcycle some day maybe not but it certainly wouldn't be as big as yours. Husband would want me to get a Harley or a Big Dog though because they are American made but I really don't have that kind of money laying around and if I did have the money for one of those, I'd build a two story greenhouse out back. One thing is for sure, next car has a hybrid engine and gets better than 20 miles to the gallon.