♥Sweet Interruption♥ 26

See that Robin, Trisha's already trying to cheer you up.
I don't have to worry about overcrowding my brains.... lots of space up there that even China would envy ;)

Jaye, you're too funny, that's why we love you soooooo much. You know something, after all that happened this afternoon, I forgot to bring up the jars. Sheeesh, is that bad or what.

I'd love it no one else wants it......but you can wait and send it with acorns (after I send you all the postage, I haven't forgotten, just waiting for funds).

You got it, Trisha.

Robyn, that's strange that your insurance won't cover the damage. A few years ago the handle on my mom's toilet stuck flooded the bathroom livingroom and 2 bedrooms. Insurance came brought big fans to dry up the walls, floors are concrete, but ruined carpet. They covered everyting, fans, new carpet, plus gave my mom a little extra cash. Then just this past spring she had a leak in a pipe by the dining room, again insurance covered damages plus extra for new linoleum. Maybe Ca insurance companies are different from your state.

Thanks Cindy.

I hope Robin gets a break like your mother did, Cindy.
It depends on the insurance company I know. When Andrew did major damage, I was lucky to have State Farm.

I'm here for a min... was just going to read, but I have to say that this conversation has taken such twist and turns, that now, I forgot what I was going to say. I know I had something in mind, way up there somewhere, or on the last page, or somewhere...

Maybe I'll remember later.

missed the road sign. well, spent an hour typing, and it probably wasn't worth it as I'm all fuddle headed anyway.

did anyone request the Mozart? if not, I'm game! love it!

Oh dear.. this thread has apparently confused some sistahs. Anyway, you should be resting BJ.

Sorry, gave Mozart to Trisha, but if I get anymore you will get the next one.

I think my mom's insurance is Farmers. She just added her car, now has house, motorhome and car all on 1 and saved her $150 a month.

ohhhhhh yucky plumbers issue

ok - funny stories coming right up

hot tub party!! hot tub paRTY!!!!

A friend's dad was an aeronaut's engineer at NCSU. Her whole family is still very much into flying. I sold their home, had to explain to everyone what the half built plane in the backyard was!

She emailed these - have no idea the source, but it's not mine. she's broadcast them widely, so I believe I can put them on here.



Airline Announcements?

United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. "

*************************************
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

*******************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that."

*************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

***********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

***********************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there."

******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

****************************************


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

****************************************


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

More funnies to cheer you all up.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

forgot my own story.

when ex and I first moved from Raleigh, east coast time, to idaho Falls idaho, mountain time, we flew in. The flight plan, to land into the wind, requires the pilot to come in from the east directly over the Tetons and higher foothills there of. the runway, not all that long, and the altitude, make for a hard fast landing, where the pilot hits tarmac, instantly stomps the brakes, and reverses the engines. The resulting G force was always intense. So when he came on to annouce our first ever arrival, I wasn't too surprised when he said,

"welcome to Idaho, folks. Set your clocks back 20 years."

He meant it.

OMG!!!! I'm laughing so hard I have tears!

ROFL!!!!!
Bon, I think that old lady's right, it's been shot down!!!

Oh my my!! Thanks LK. Got my support on!!

Don't hog the Kleenex, Cindy!!

OMG I laughed so hard............... here is one

A DG'er friend sent it to me.

Ladies, this has to be read, laughed at and passed on.
There is
not a woman alive who won't crack up over this!
+ + +
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later
in the
week. Early one morning, I received a call from the
doctor's office to
tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at
9:30 am. I had
only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it
was already
around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35
minutes, so I didn't
have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort
over
hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't
going to be able
to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off
my pajamas,
wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and
gave myself a
quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least
presentable. I threw
the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the
car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I
was
called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I
hopped up on the
table, looked over at the other side of the room and pre
tended that I
was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I
was a little
surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an
extra effort this
morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went
home.
The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning,
cooking.

After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she
called
out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my
washcloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the
sink, it
had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor.



Ever.

Cindy I have laughed so hard that I think Bon deserves Mr. Mozart if you want to send him to her......still laughing.....we flew on business several times a month with the big bike corporations, I think I have flown on just about every flight mentioned above. In Taiwan our pilot for an on island flight was an ex fighter jock, straight up, straight down......glad to survive that one!

naw - let her keep Mozart. I'll find me some Pachebel somewheres...

Mom is fixing to fly I am going to copy that and send it to her. She has flown before and will laugh at it.

Oh Lord, did she get a discount? LOLOL!!!!

Here's one..

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me..
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in th e morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh** too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bi**h to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bi**h Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little sh**) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!



This message was edited Sep 16, 2008 6:54 PM

And this..

PUN INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married . The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

again, from my girl friend Terri


HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO
MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

-- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 10




WOW.............

Yeah, WOW!!!!!!!!! Lolol!!

ok might have heard or seen this one but I still laugh every time I read it.

Chilli Cookoff


Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pooped-faced from all the beer.


Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. huzzy is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really makes me angrythat the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I soiled my underware when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that huzzy Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone!


Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a dam thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match my dam shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Oh you're bad, Tia...bad!!! I have salad where it shouldn't be!!

I have laughed at that one for years Each and every time.

OH!! My jaws ache from laughing and I have no more kleenex!!!!

see that rag in the corner.. go on.. blow your nose on it!!

Cindy.. are you still alive??

LK, your swap sistah have these questions for you..
t-shirt size
favorite color
favorite flower
favorite scent
what you collect
and anything else that's important to you.

Oh my I hurt!!! I can hardly see I have laughed so hard from all this.

I'm still here LOL now my sides ache. I haven't had good laugh like that in ages!! I've got to email these to friends and family. Thanks Girls!!!!

Jaye, the rag won't be big enough--how about a sheet? MY insides hurt from laughing so much!!

Oh my, we woke Marion up!!!!

ROFLMAOBIGTIME those are all great LOL

No, but I scared Kim for sure with all the laughing!!!

Off to watch the mystery of the day---HOUSE! Gotta love that guy--he is so crusty he's cute.

Kel's favorite is Bon's own experience!!! Idaho.. set the clock back 20 years!!! Lolol!

Normally Phyllis can come up with some doozeys.. these are ranked way up there...