Philosophy 102

Hmm... if you're a sock lover, check out "Sock Dreams". I have many friends who shop there. http://www.sockdreams.com/_shop/edit/index.php

Thorlos for me. One of the nicest things Jack has done for me (he is a great gift-giver) was to heed my complaints about having to match sock, so for Christmas a few years ago I got 10 pair of white & 10 pair of black, and I still have most of 'em.

Was able to throw out all other socks, though I eventually bought a pack of ankle socks for my sneaker days.

Uhoh, pony, I think your concept of socks and mine may be at variance - I clicked onto thigh high socks, and BLUSHED! YeoWWWW. My word, those are socks! Thorlos I might be able to handle, and I love the idea of wearing one white and one black sock - goes well with the gnomeness!

I love Falke socks. There is a store in San Francisco that carries lots of them, and some pretty cool clothes as well. But the Falkes - such good looking socks! Thorlos for skiing and wearing with tall boots are my other favorites.

I looked at the thigh-highs on that web site and maybe I'm missing something, but nothing made me blush. Am I too hardened or do I just not get it?

Goodness - the sun is out!

It's a bit sunny today, with periods of cloudiness. The trees are bare, striped of their fall color by winds. It's sad to see the brilliant color disappear, but it is somewhat calming to see the trees and shrubs in their most basic state. It's as though the landscape is conserving energy and retreating inward. And people seem to do the same. Kids are no longer cavorting in groups, but are now sitting with their books and pencils, turning inward to fill their heads. Folks are hunkered down in their kitchens, concentrating on feeding families. Dogs still go for their walks, but then return to sleep by the fireplace. Books are everywhere; reading is in progress. When I walk and look around at the bareness, it seems like the lushness of the summer is just too overpowering to be present year-round. It's time to feel the calm.

"the lushness of the summer is just too overpowering to be present year-round"

Nicely put.

Hi All

I am home now, this was the longest 11 days I ever spent. Was really tough for me, but mother is going to be O'Kay ( I hope). I can not believe how much stuff he never threw away, we had 2 dumpers full, that goes back to 1980 and still could have done another, but I ran out of time. Had to come home.
I got her some new furniture, and some new plants. And I have no clue to pick the right ones for the High Desert, I hope I did good. LOL

Hello, hello Good to hear from you.

Been a long day, headed to bed. 18 hour trip, DH drove the whole way.
My new jeep is the most uncomfortable thing that lives LOL

Hello Tills, so glad to hear from you. Welcome home. And glad to hear your mom is okay(ish). It will take a long time to find her self after so many years. I can imagine it is very hard.

Howdy my friend Tills. Good to see you back.
My favorite socks are clean ones. My way of treating myself to a morning pleasure is to put on clean and dry socks for an Alaska winter day.

Tilly, you gave your mom the gift of a little beauty around her with the plants, and new furniture can sure help shift your perspective for the better too. But the best thing is the love you gave her just by being there.

Steve, if you seen my socks after 1 day in that yard. We would have grade A taters for the fair. LOL
But I'm am glad you have clean ones, for the the cold take care of those feeties. If is was not for the dust and rocks, I would have gone without shoes. no doubt

Holly, I gave her things things to do to keep her busy, and to focus on things she can do and not what she can't do anymore.

She was a avid seamstress, made doll clothes for every kind of doll, no matter what size they where. There are over 60 dolls (maybe more) in that house, some where mine when I was young. She finds them in 2nd hand stores and restores them, but she can not do that anymore as much as she would like. She was never a outdoorsy one like me and my real dad (he passed in 1982) She loves the new challenge LOL
In my archives somewhere I have some of the dolls pics. Will have to show them.

This is a real quiz , Me or not ?????

ITS MY AUNT ELAINE!!!!!!!

What a pretty little girl, all dressed up.

It can't be Tills because she's not wearing cowboy boots.

Yes it is Tills. She has the: I am going to do something to rock them right after I get done with this photo.

LOL

Yes, I would say that is Tils. Cute.

A few days ago, while I was painting my dining room and listening to npr and Martha Stewart radio on my laptop, I kept hearing the word "fun" used in all sorts of ways. Have "fun" with that new recipe. Have "fun" with your house plants. Have "fun" with that project. At first I scoffed and thought fun was going dancing or skiing or to the pub with friends. Snowshoes are fun. Fun is supposed to make you laugh. Then I realized that I DO have fun with recipes and plants. What has happened? Is this what aging is all about? Now I have fun doing crossword puzzles. Sure, all those other things are still fun, but my requirements for a good time have certainly changed!

Been there. Two crosswords in the morning paper are a must. A book or two in the process of being read. A seat by the window. And the pups close by.
Right after their massages.

Too cut, Patricia. They need little kitty towel turbans to complete the picture!

Awww they are so cute. They look totally content. Actually, they look a little comatose.

I have been feeling a bit sad since visiting my parents over Thanksgiving. Dad is 93 and Mom is 87. They're doing ok but I see a big change from a few months ago. I am feeling guilty for moving to Portland instead of the Tahoe area because now I'm so far away from them. It suddenly hit me on the drive back home that they are not going to be around much longer. I became so upset that I couldn't drive and my daughter started crying, too. We pulled into a rest stop and a man came over and asked if we were ok. I know I am lucky to have them around for so many years, but wow, this is going to be difficult. How in the world do you handle this???

I know exactly where you are . . . you pretty much do it as it comes. It would be good if they were close and if they considered a living situation that could change to assisted living. I don't remember - what is their living situation?

As they got older, my parents, though they were in good health, would move into crisis with each "little" illness. We were fortunate that we could head these off until they moved. I hated that they were "downsizing" so extremeley, as did they, but it was better that they were doing it as a matter of choice.

I'm learning that part of this whole process is learning to forgive your siblings for doing things the way they do them . . .

By being grateful for the time you did have with them. KNowing they had good long lives and they make the adjustments and get ready to go. It is easier for me now that they are gone, because they are with me all the time and I can talk to them whenever I want. When my mom reached out her hand and was looking up, and said "Well finally", I knew she was going to something and someone and wanted to be there. She looked so happy to see whoever it was. Observing the process they go through will help you understand and acccept. Go as often as you can to visit and don't feel guilty for living your own life. THey love you and always will.

My parents live in their own home that they have lived in for 30 years. It's a beautiful house in a lovely area and they have all sorts of help gardening and cleaning, etc. At one time they considered moving to a retirement place in Portland called Terwilliger Plaza but then decided they wanted to stay in their home. All my dad's poker buddies have died by now and he can no longer play golf. My mom drags herself to Tai Chi several times a week but when she gets home she sleeps for the rest of the day. They have made plans to have someone to care for them in their home, but I worry about what it will be like for the one who does not die first. They have been together for 63 years. There have been a few little crisis situations but they turned out ok. Somedays I think I should leave Portland and move there but I really don't want to leave. I love my house and my neighbors and this is my home.

My sister and I are reasonably close but it is always me who responds to any parental crisis/illness/problem. It's clear to me that when one of them dies it will be me who will go to live with the remaining parent. All of my kids have said they will take turns staying there but my sister always has some excuse. She is retired and lives near Eugene but won't even go to see them more than once or twice a year. I am going back to see them at Christmas since she doesn't want to go. I tell myself that I am actually the lucky one to spend time with them but I do feel resentful. All my kids and grandchildren are gathering at my oldest son's house for Christmas and I don't want to miss that.

At Thanksgiving my dad was talking about how they loved Paris when they lived there for a year, and then he said he would like to die in Paris. I had to leave the room.

Your father may be open to discussing how he feels with you. It would be good for him to do so. Like I told katie-observe but don't necessarlly give opinions. Just feel your way. If they have taken care of all the arrangements they are doing good and probably know just what they want.

This sounds so familiar to me. Just make sure that you're realistic about the plans. And then, of course, you have to let them decide That's the hardest part for me - having some input but not being in control of the situation. My parents just celebrated their 67th. They downsized to a smaller house about three years ago. And then moved into assisted living about a year and a half ago after both of them came down with a respiratory illness that put them in the hospital (you can't believe how fast it happened) and then morphed into MRSA lung infections. Each of those crisises would take more and more out of them and sap any energy reserves they had. We had to make a decision quickly because at that point we didn't want them living alone.

If they do stay in their house, what happens if one of them is in the hospital or convalescing in a nursing home, how will the other get back and forth? And who will monitor the nursing home care to make sure that you're comfortable with their treatment? Getting information long distance is very hard. And being the one in charge of disseminating information daily is just as hard.

Everyone in my family has "stepped up", but we all do things differently and I find that my brothers' "best they can do" is completely different from my "best I can do". It's a one-day-at-a-time thing.

Anyway, based on my recent experience, I would strongly encourage them to have living wills and to downsize into a living situation where they can get full-time support when it comes down to it.

And Patricia is right, there's a whole lot of self-forgiving that needs to take place for those of us who have the tendency to want to make it all better for them.

Two years ago my mom developed serious complications from an outpatient surgery for carpal tunnel and ended up in the ICU. I simply walked out of an important meeting in New York, flew to San Francisco to get my car, and drove to Grass Valley where they live. I was so afraid she would not be able to recover but she did. I stayed with my dad for a few days, then one of my kids came to stay with him while I went to my office in SF, then I went back again and stayed for 10 days. That's what I will do in the event of another illness. And that's fine. They have chosen a nursing home situation near them in case they are not able to stay in their home, but if one dies I cannot possibly leave the other parent alone and would have to go there. I am so proud of my kids for wanting to help, even though they all have jobs and a few have kids. It's just so hard to think of one of them alone. I get so sad.

You are in a difficult situation and have a right to be sad. You can feel sad and laugh and take care of business all at the same time. You have done and are doing what you can. I would suggest that you think of closing your house if you have to, but don't sell it. You could go for as long as you had to and then come home.

One of the things I did for mom was to get my sisters and brother to get all the kids to send cards with pictures of the new babies and to come out to visit if possible. She loved it and it was good for the kids also.

I am too upset right now to respond - maybe tomorrow will be better.

It is hard, for sure. Hope tomorrow brings a little sunshine and feels a little better!

Sorry if I upset you Judi. Snuggle up with your furryfriend and staywarm.

Thank you Willow and Katie for all the kind words and Willow, you did not upset me. You only said words that are true and I need to face the reality of the situation. My daughter came over for a while and we talked and now we both feel better. Neither of us has slept since coming home after Thanksgiving. We both need a good night's sleep and I'm sure tomorrow will be better.

It's so good to have someone to talk to. Sounds like you and your daughter are close. That's nice.

Daughters are the best to talk to. Sleep well.

Judy- your story is so familiar to me, fortunately I am only 20 minutes away from my folks. My Mom has dementia, about stage 3, and my dad is devoted to taking care of her. We, my DH and I, have been able to get some help at home for them but my DD is unsure how to utilize it and unfortunately may loose it as a result. We were successful in getting her on medicaid and copes but he is reluctant to take advantage of all that is available to her afraid of upsetting her. So that leaves us on "disaster watch". She would not have the "where with all" to be able to call for help if something happened to dad. I have a sister but basically I am on my own except for my DH. I tell all young people I know, (except my daughter) to move to S. Africa where the elders don't know who you are. ha

It is incredibly hard to see a parent's physical and mental capacities deteriorating and be unable to halt or slow the process down. It can happen so fast sometimes that is hard to wrap your brain around the situation before some new challenge arises. At least that was my experience. I was also the sibling who was more available to do the difficult things that needed to be done in person, and it can be overwhelming. One thing I did was to suggest support actions that my brother and sister were capable of doing from afar, like researching a particular aspect of a problem. We actually came to be a pretty good team, each contributing in their own way. Now my sister has more time and is able to do more support for my mom than I can. She is closer by than before, so that makes everything easier.

I am so glad your daughter was with you Judi. It is hard enough going through such gripping sadness without having to go it alone on the freeway.

This message was edited Dec 6, 2009 8:54 AM

Portland, your parents sound like such awesome people. I know you realize how lucky you are that you still have them, and that they are together. I also know that doesn't really help when faced with the prospect of losing them.
It does sound as though your dad is thinking about his own death. That seems obvious, but I don't think it is. Many people never even mention the possibility of dying, much less have a conversation about it. I wonder if it would make you feel any better to be able to hear his thoughts on the issue? If he is comfortable thinking and talking about it, maybe that would help you as well.
Having lost a parent already, I know personally how people grieve in advance. I'm not sure if that's helpful or if it just prolongs the agony. When my father died, I had already been grieving for years. I cannot imagine his death being any harder than it was, so I sometimes wonder what good all that sadness did me. If only we could just turn it off with a switch, right?

In all my work with families, I have become used to hearing that there is 'one sibling' who seems the designated 'caregiver' for the parents. I sometimes wonder if that was meant, in part, to be their role from birth. It's uncanny how many times the majority of the caregiving falls to one person. If there are siblings who cooperate in caring for aging parents, they should consider themselves lucky.

My Mom just arrived at our house yesterday. She has a place down stairs that we have built for her and my dad. They stayed there before he died and after several years and many visits it is now home to her. She is actually anxious to settle in and love being here. She is 87 and is starting into stage 1 Alz and she needs care. She is though aware of that and accepts it. This summer I will be able to take her to her home in Michigan and spend a month and a half and then my sister will do the same. So we have planned this for years and now have it in motion.