Any Interest in a ALA-NON type thread?

I live in the middle of no-where and could use folks to talk with regarding living with & being raised by alcoholics/addicts. I have a lot of years under my belt, (20 wow! Never counted it up before) and find I'm in the need for others with experience, strength, hope & wisdom.
ANYONE?

Hi, Sonoita. I may or may not be of help. I would certainly be interested. I have a brother who is an alcoholic. Although, he does not live with us, he and I are very close. My ex-husband and I lived with an uncle if his that was, as well.

It's a difficult and heart breaking situation to be in. I now I've spent many tears on my brother. You've probably been through a lot of the same things. Emotions can sometimes take you to places you never thought you'd go.

I'm here and I know there are others here, too.

Good luck sounds so impersonal. So I'll say do the best you can and know that they love you no matter what they say or do.

Celia

You must go to the Al-Anon website. Purchase the book if possible. You will also find a lot of help there but the advice will not be easy for you to follow as you must change people, places and things or you will suffer as you are for the remainder of their addictions. You can not help them but you can help yourself. They will not stop so you must remove yourself from the environment or commit to a living hell. I know what I'm talking about because I've been there and done that. IT IS CALLED TOUGH LOVE! Go to church for additional advice and confide in your pastor for now.

I wholeheartedly agree with Tplant. I was married to an alcoholic for more than 25 years. AA kicked his habit, but our marriage never recover. AL-ANON taught me that it's NOT my fault and alcoholism is a disease.
You need the group support, and definitely church.

Church has not been much help. I have talked with my Pastor, who is a good listener, but not been there, had little to say.
Thank you for your well intentioned advice, however I am looking for people who are interested in discussion not advice. I don't mean to sound harsh, my intention is to be clear. Sincerely!

I'm here to listen. It can get bad, I know.

Sonoita, I can listen, too. You can D-mail me, if you want. My mother was an alcoholic and so I have some experience with what you might be going through. Although, of course, every situation is unique, there might be some connection. By the way, I grew up in Arizona!

I've done lots of ALA-NON and ACOA (don't know if that’s around anymore, I haven't seen it in 18 years or so) as I mentioned.
The recovery from being thrown under the bus multiple times is slow. Life is getting better, and it's slow. My depression is getting better, and it's slow.
I know 'tough love', and practice it regularly, and I am fortunate for the time being that my husband is clean and sober, seeking regular professional support along with AA, and becoming an active member of the family, and the wounds heal slow.

Lets hope this time is the one that lasts. My mother did, finally, become a non-drinking alcoholic although the damage to her health was severe. Not to mention the damage to her relationships. However. People can change if they want to and have to. Please be kind to yourself.

Ditto to what Roybird said.

One never knows how long the recovery will last with this disease, that is part of what is troubling. He is differnt this time, in a good way! And he knows I won't take anymore damage to me or our daughter. I am not a bluffer, that much he has learned.

Let us know how you're doing. This can be a difficult time of year for some of us.

{{{Bridgett}}}

I'm here for you. I'm not sure if I ever told you that I myself am a recovering addict/alcoholic myself (4 years sober, and I work both programs...NA & AA....). But, my mother is still a drinking alcoholic and my father just turned 20 years sober last week. So I do understand the family side of alcoholism.....not with a spouse.... but I know what I have done to my husband (a non drinker or user) and what the disease did to my parents' marriage, as well as the entire family foundation for that matter.

I have a very hard time getting to meetings considering I'm agoraphobic(sp) and have social anxiety (you say, well how did you get your drugs/alcohol?)...they were delivered or I would go out in the mid morning after dropping my little one off at school. I do have a very supportive sponser (she has 23 years sobriety) and lives right around the corner from our new home.

Plus I do a lot of recovery chatting and meetings at recovery.com That site has a group (rather small, yes) but they do have an Al-Anon group there as well. Do you have a "God Box" yet?? LMK if you do or if you need one. I have a lovely serenity shop here in San Diego and would be honored to send you one. Plus there are some good books there as well that can help you explaing to your little one "what's going on" with Daddy..ya know?

I am here for you whenever you need to talk, cry, scream, laugh, or just need a hug and a reminder that it is NOT your fault. You take care of yourself and the darlin' daughter of yours.

Let me know if you need anything girl...ANYTHING okay??

Love ya, melissa :o)

Melissa - you are so on top of it all, with your cards and all! Thank you! No I did not know anything about your story, thank you for sharing. I have joined 2 online ALA-NON groups, but haven't officially got on. I am awaiting a reply from my introduction.

Yesterday I discovered my 2 Anatolian shepherds mauled another dog, this is #4 that I know of. I have invested money in the thousands to try to keep them contained with no success. The rescues I have contacted have offered me no response. I believe I will have to euthanize her, maybe even today. And today my husband left to serve his 10 days in jail. Tough day!

A HUGE hug coming from Utah! (((((((((HUG))))))))))

Thank you kwanjin

Sorry to hear about your dogs and, of course, your husband. It is a tough day. Hang in there!

Shoot, I'm sorry things are so rough right now, Bridgett. I just wanted to chime in here, and offer you my support as well. I'm sending good thoughts and a big (((hug))) your way.

Sunny

edited for typo...oops

This message was edited Dec 12, 2008 5:21 PM

Hey Bridgett, just now getting back to Dave's a bit. More with the weather tomorrow but have a few minutes now.

How are you today? Getting by? Or on one of the highs? Lows? Will you need anything to get you through the holiday next week? Through New Years - that one will be harder for those recovering. I know you won't 'buy' into anything; but don't take anything in either - K?

My heart goes out to you. Hubby comes home on Monday right? Then, you know of course that recovery is 'lifetime'; it just gets more routine with time is how I do it. You already know my story - Alanon; Alateen & drugs in family. Some still practicing, some sober & clean & yet others pasted on due to the disease. Stay in touch with this thread - A lot of people need this information, even though they may just be lurking, the messages will get help.

This goes for anyone out their going through this life lesson right now. The Holidays have tended to always be the hardest. Post what you need to....People who have been there are here.

I will try to keep better tabs on Dave's - sorry I have been bad at that lately.

ONE DAY AT A TIME
Cheryl ~ Pea

Pea - Thanks for your post! I have missed hearing from you. It turns out he comes home Tuesday. I saw him Wed. and his spirits were good. I don't think I am going to get much complaining about my cooking for a while!

How are you handling things, Sonoita? It sounds like you're a bit more upbeat. Glad his spirits are up, too.

One day at a time, as Cheryl stated. She knows you better but we're all human and with human faults.

I'm doing better, as you noticed. I have spent the week taking care of numerous things that were waiting completetion, thanks to my Dad. I have had good support from family & friends. Thanks

Glad to hear you have family around. That will help with the holidays - in fact, it is what gets me through everyday. Even when things were at their worst, at least I could escape part of it while with family. Course, going home to it was a much different story.

Very happy to hear both of you are doing well. Assume DD is also. Remember, together you can get through it - if ya work as a team. Course, if that doesn't work, working on yourself will rub off on both DH & DD. They will have no choice in the matter.

Let us all know how it goes for you the next couple of days. I will be thinking of you and yours!

LIVE AND LET LIVE
Cheryl ~ Pea

I am a bit bummed. With all the chaos of holidays & weather round here, I can not locate my One Day at a Time 'Life line manual'. Anyone have today's?

Really eerie, but that book always has what I need to hear on any given day.

Thanks!
Cheryl ~ Pea

Years ago I had a good library of support books, and now I'm not sure where they are....maybe in one of the 10 boxes marked "books" in the storage building.
The younger of my 2 livestock guard dogs (I have 4 dogs total)turned on my senior dog (time #4), then turned on me (time # 2) only this time she didn't back down then went to sit next to my 4 year old daughter. I have no choice now, and must take her to be euthanized tomorrow. This dog has also been identified as seriously injuring 3+ other dogs when she has managed to get off the property. I am paying other peoples vet bills still. (Big breath & sigh) I'm still too shaken by the face to face challenge and the memory of those huge teeth to be sad. I'm sure it will come
.

Oh, so sad! I feel for you. How old is your dog?

The senior heeler mix 13y/o, 6y/o & 3y/o Anatolian, 5 month old Lab mix.

My thoughts will be with you tomorrow. I know the pain of having to put an animal down. I had to look them up. Such lovely dogs, very regal looking.

They are gentle giants, mostly. I am amazed that she turned on me, very atypical of the breed!

How are the others?

Fine... others? Dogs or Same breed dog?

Sorry, your other dogs. If I'm overstepping, let me know.

To bad the Dog Whisper isn't in your area? I'll bet he would accept the challenge!

{{{Bridgett}}}

Hugs going out to you and your family this Christmas season. So sorry to hear that you have to put one of your furry ones down :o( I'm holding your hand in spirit.

Cheryl- I too just moved most of my Recovery books out of the bedroom for more space. I don't think I had a One Day at A Time manual?? hmmm that sounds like a good one (just from the title). My sponsor gave me a couple daily reflections books when I first got sober, maybe these will help....

*From "Day by Day: Daily Meditations for Recovering Addicts"
December 21

"May I know that any day is an acceptable day to seek love and forgiveness from my higher Power"

*From "Affirmations For The Inner Child"
December 21

"I am learning the skills that improve my life"

Love to you all on this beautiful Sunday ~melissa

Good thoughts for all of us on the solstice. We will be moving in to a time of more light now. I am sorry about your dog but understand your decision. You are taking responsibility for the safety of your daughter and your pets even though it isn't easy. Be strong!

The saddness has hit, I'm washing my keyboard with tears.
I am not new or nieve to dogs. I have trained dogs for my home aIl my life. I have the kind of dogs that most say 'wow your dog is really trained well'. I watch the 'dog whisperer', and use his suggestions, 'calm, assertive, leader' This is the dog I have worked with most of the 2, I am so surprised at her. It's the older one who postures more agression, but has never turned on me even when I have pulled her off another dog she was attacking.

So sad that you had to do it. Thinking of you.

(((Bridgett)))

Good Morning!

Just a bit about me: I, like Sonoita have been around substance abuse all of my life. My Dad declared himself an Alcoholic when I was 17yrs old. He died from the disease the day before I turned 30. My ex's drinking practices bothered me (still does). I have many family and friends who are either recovering or still practicing. And dear Mom is VERY heavily involved in Ala-non. I was first exposed to Ala-teen and Ala-non 30 years ago..... No family secrets being revealed here, as it has already been stated here on DG by other family members......

I am going try to get this on the track Sonoita advised she is looking for & have general chat on subjects surrounding substance abuse rather than advice for an individual person - unless someone needs it....... I am far from being able of giving advice, as I myself am still trying to get it right!

Can we all start the *chat* with LIVE AND LET LIVE? How we do it, what it means to each of us, etc.....

Live: for me means to live MY life to it's fullest. Making each day as happy and healthy as I can. I often fail here, allowing others and situations to change my moods and goals. The great thing about this is, tomorrow is another day and I can start all over. I do however, find myself getting back into the rut & allowing it to go on for days or even weeks. That is why I think everyone sharing what they do - not advice - will help us all when we get stuck.

Let Live - this one is much tougher for me, especially being an *in control* person. I mean, how can I let others suffer the consequences for their actions when I know the outcome? Tough Love is rough, but most days I do pretty good. Then their are the situations when I feel the need to
tell them what they should do, how they should do it or *helicopter* in and protect them from themselves.

On both sides, I find when I can force myself to step back & let the *chips* fall where they may; I feel much better about myself as do others. Can't be my fault, if I had nothing to do with getting the situation to that point, right? Blame me all you want, I will just stand tall and know that by not controlling the situation, I did not cause it --- Then, there is always the other times when I buy into it...... I am not talking about only the "Enablers" or "Users" here; this goes for everyone I come in contact with - customers, family, friends & strangers......

Please, tell us how you LIVE AND LET LIVE or suggest another topic you may need to gain strength or wisdom on for yourself....

Cheryl ~ Pea

Edited: Tried to bold *LIVE AND LET LIVE* it did not work. Sorry!

This message was edited Dec 22, 2008 11:22 PM

Thanks Pea - Live & Let Live
It seems I got so good at giving up control that with my current husband, who is no longer a jailbird as of yesterday, I unintentionally became an enabler. Instead of being in his face, my usual M.O., I said 'Que sera sera' (sp?), the reason I did so is he was so accustom to raging aggressive women, I thought I'd offer the antithesis, which had it’s merits, and it's pits. I became good at letting things go, and go and go until none of us could turn a blind eye anymore. So, what I am doing now is taking back myself, I cut my hair for the 1st time in 10 years, he didn't speak to me for 3 days! I cook what I want, I don't pipe down when an issue must be addressed, vs. hiding his head (while making room for mine) in the sand. I let myself show appropriate anger, regardless of his reaction or response.

Hey Pea - Why don't we start a new thread with ‘One Day At A Time’ as the heading. It may get more interested in taking a peak and adding their 2 cents. I like your intro, you could just copy & past it into the 1st entry. What do you think?