Vent- I'm tired of being good listener

Please allow my vent. I am tired of being a good listener.
I think it's one of my good qualities. I am a quiet person, shy, so it comes easily. I think lots of people want to be heard . But I am tired of being a good listener, in particular with one friend. Maybe it has become a bad habit in our relationship. She is basically a very good generous person. I am interested in her life, family and their problems, but I don't need daily updates on anything other than life+death/hospitalization. I have my own daily issues, who doesn't? OK, I have heard all about your craft project in detail. How about asking me about mine, or encouraging me to get one started again? Kid problems, Hey, like I don't know? Got kids, got problems.
And here's the other edge of the double edge sword here- I don't want to go into personal detail because I figure she's going to be telling other people that, like she gives me their personal details. So here we go, she calls, I listen 98 % of the time.
So this is why my best friend is my best friend altho I haven't talked to her in almost a year. I know that when I do it will be an even, caring exchange between us, not an overdose of listening on my part.
So thanks, G D & C people, for listening!! I presume.

I know exactly what you are saying! I have the same problem. Talk, talk, talk and I don't get to vent. They're done and say goodbye.

I tend to ramble either when I'm extremely tired, excited..oh I just ramble..so might forget to listen from time to time, not meant that I do not care about the individual that I'm gabbing with, infact I've been making a conscious effort not to add my 2 cents in, but it's hard..it's my character, but in not listening (one ear is I can guarantee) I'm appreciating this individual who IS listening...


Perhaps with a shake of your head of acknowledging her issues, just pipe in and say, 'I fully understand, can I tell you about my day!' and if it's something you don't want repeated, then leave that part out...

My friends know that IF they tell me 'I'm telling you in confidence' then it will not be repeated but if they are just gabbing it might be repeated just in general conversation not to 'gossip' but perhaps to enable others to help her/him out!

Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it..in general I'm a good friend, kind and loving, but I can ramble..just my body chemistry...

So don't give up on this friend, perhaps just lay down some guidelines...i.e. saying that you worry about her in certain situations and perhaps it would be better not to know each and every detail..if it's an emergency situation, you'll stand right by her side!

Have I rambled enough..lol

Thanks for your replies. Hey look at views, it looks like 23 other people listened to me too!!! The power of DG!

It's up to 30 now. We're ALL listening!

Hi SallyG...
I am listening loud and clear.
Would tell you the saga of my stalker...but then I won't be listening to you,LOL.

Anyway hang in there, Best I, can suggest is if you listen they go away for awhile. I think it's awful that people don't take the time to get to know you and want to help you in return. You deserve better, some people just have blinders on...maybe no one else will listen to them You have good heart for doing so...So vent away. smile and hug.

You got Two of the Best Listeners around, well 3 with me.

Waving Hi to Betty and Kwajin!!

i read somewhere that it is part of our times! we see reality tv, watch updates on the stars lives etc and now people are telling everyone all the details of their lives thinking that we are interested--it is making for a lot of very self centered individuals-- i do not go to my space or those type places but i guess that is another example of people just telling everything --i guess blogging is another example--

Maybe you have the answer there, Seedtosser: maybe no one else will listen to them. If Sally spent the next three phone calls talking about her issues or hobbies she might find the other person drifts away - not always the biggest loss.

LOL, Pirl, but the problem is maybe this person doesn't even bother to give Sally the chance to start what she is working on or whats on her mind.

Believe me I am one of the blabbiest people around, but Usually I wait until asked...hahha, sometimes not Right Betty? Maybe this person isn't as nosey as me either.

Thanks again for the vent-ilation.
I have to admit, my friend is not all that bad, I don't want her to go away completely. And she wouldn't- we have boys that are really good buddies. Partly I'm just not a talker. I don't know how she can spend the time on the phone that she does. Yep, I feel like there's no place to start my story, usually takes awhile for her to get enough out of the way and me to get my assertion geared up. I know in my case, it 'takes two ' to have this one sided talk, I could be a bit more assertive. She insists on doing more for the boys than I would, and sometimes I feel like I am selling my soul because she bought it by all these trips to Friendly's! See , this is why I like plants so much. I don't have all these things to figure out...
I might try the 'in confidence' thing.

Awww, Sally...Why not start at the beginning. Did you start being friends because of your children?

Hi, Seed! Waving back! LOL ☺

Well, ....
we were working together years ago and in the same group of the young-never married girls there. Several of us got married within a few years of each other. We have been friendly to some degree. Mostly this group kind of drifted apart when I left work after my first kid born, and another went to a different office, then got divorced, another had her kids and left the job.. Well, we've gotten back in pretty close contact last few years because of our boys, and by now they are tight. I am not good about calling people to stay in touch but she is- LOL- tried to stay in touch with another girl (X) even while complaining to me about how X never calls!

That's too funny, Sally.

You know I can relate to that problem. I am a talker, but I am also a good listener. Does your friend listen when you are able to get a word in edgewise?

When someone tells me personal details that I don't care to know, I simply say that is more information than I need to know and give a gentle laugh. Or I say, I really don't care to visualize that picture!

The fact that she does more with the boys than you would do, says volumes. I had a neighbor who was like that and I think she did things to gain approval (both from children and parents). She only had two children, I had two girls and two boys. She bought tickets to concerts and little trinkets. I had overnights and we made cookies, watched home movies and ate popcorn or did crafts. I couldn't afford the things she did and told her that it was nice, but no way could I keep up with her. She worked and I stayed home.

You know what is strange about that is recently the family who lived on the "other" side of me (the mom was my best friend forever) buried their mom. All of the kids (she had four also) and mine talked about the home movies and popcorn and koolaid they had at my house. I asked my daughter about the girl on the other side next door and she didn't even remember the concerts and trinkets.

Gee, I miss my friend.

Charlene

Oh, Charlene. First, I'm so sorry you lost your friend. I'm sad when my parents are losing their freinds in their 80's but sounds like she was younger and it was maybe unexpected. I haven't dealt with that in my life.

I am sometimes surprised and able to say something that has her complete silent attention.
Your deal with the working friend is right where we are. She has kept working and loves to buy stuff, spend money and go places. I'd rather stay home, let them dig in the dirt and drink home made lemonade. (recipe on bottle of lemon juice- everybody likes it better than powder- my tip o' the day) So I feel guilty letting her do what she insists on doing, insists that she wants to do, spending her money and precious time. Finally she is saying she is tired of going out and is happy to have my son over to refresh the play and let her stay home. Now that I think about it, last summer I had work being done and a huge dirt pile in the yard that they played in. She loves that kind of stuff for them and her yard is NOT conducive to random digs. Also grow potatos for the boys to dig.. So I guess I do offer something of value to her.

I have told my Mom that friend Y has a hobby of giving stuff to people. Maybe that's an approval thing, or maybe it's a hobby, like playing with my yard is mine. I enjoy the processes, the learning, I don't know. She loves to buy stuff people can use at big bargains usually, buys soda for my kid, tries to have everybody's favorite snack handy. ...OK, I'm starting to feel like a jerk for complaining about her I was feeling annoyed the other day because her sister's situation was quickly turning into an excuse for her to buy a new huge house and she started going on about this gorgeous house she looked at (Already? let's get the ink dry on some divorce papersfirst before we plan her new life) Well, maybe I just get nervous because she's a run with the idea person and I am so slow to get inot things, I am afraid I'll get overrun.
Hmm, this is helping me think through........

Sally, not blowing my horn, but the biggest enjoyment I get out of life is 'giving' however big or small....I'd rather give to someone than to purchase something for myself...each and everyone of us has a 'love' perhaps that is hers???

My friend had just turned 60. She had a liver disease which I now believe may have been the result of diabetes medicine that she took. She never drank alcohol.

It has been the biggest loss for me ever except for family. I really loved her. I was probably the biggest talker of the two. She and I had a lot in common and she talked a lot with me also. We never bought things for each other, we were just there for each other.

We did a lot of things together. The silliest thing I remember was a waterfight over the fence one evening. We often pulled weeds along the chain-link fence between us at the same time and solved all the world's problems and the kid's problems while doing it. That was before weed-eaters.

We lived next door to each other for 9 years. She passed away 9 years ago. She was 9 years older than me. What is it with the nines?

This is your vent time, so no more about my stuff. LOL

Remember that sometimes being a good listener is a rewarding experience of it's own. You do however need someone who listens to you also. So sound off girl!!

Charlene

Gee those memories were good for me to bring up. Thanks for waking them up for me.

You know as she lay dying, I sat by her bed and talked, she wasn't able to talk anymore, so I rambled on about every memory I could think of that we had shared. Sometimes she would smile and occassionally even give a tiny little laugh. At that particular time, the talking I was doing was for her, not for me to vent, but to help her slip into heaven with sweet memories.

One of the last things she said was that she wanted me to bake her some oatmeal cookies. I took her six grandchildren into the kitchen and had them mix and bake them for her. She was so smiling and she ate a bite of one of the cookies. God is good to give us friends.

We were trully friends forever.

Oh Charlene,
I can so relate to your loss. Exactly the same thing happened to me and my very good friend. I am sorry for you loss, However I smile at the friendship you shared, and happiness you have at the beautiful memories.

Sally, Being that you are very shy, sounds like maybe your friend is a little over zelous at perhaps trying to help you out of it...LOL I know some of the funnest shy people once they come out, got to laugh i am one in the same.
However...will tell you, I don't think there is anything wrong with excepting gifts, for yourself or the children. I think as long as her reasoning is just trying to be friendly, no expectations, meaning you don't have to run right out and repay the gesture. There is a big difference in gift giving from the heart, as Our Betty does...she just like to see people happy, big smile I know this first hand.
So, in all my blab here my thought is You are right to want to vent and Think things through, glad you are able to talk here. Sounds like, the children is what keeps you friendship going. As long as they are happy buds then maybe your friend needs that encouragment to be a friendly parent...so long as she doesn't hurt you in any way.
just my two cents.

Plantolinda...LOL the only reality tv i watch is Survivor...i like the competition and it's fun to see the different personalities, get along and clash. I'v a my space page but it marked only for friends and family...I don't read on anyone elses craziness...

Isn't it great to find a place you can come and vent and NOT be judged? I, too, have recently experienced a loss and I found it very comforting to just come here and vent.

☺

This is a beautiful thing; that we can come here for venting and neutral feedback. I don't want to discuss this with my husband because he just wants to get to the 'problem' and solve it. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and, your experience to get me back in the big picture frame of mind. Heaven help me when I have to face the loss of a friend.

☺ Hopefully you never will.

Celia, yes I am remebering that time for you...we were just starting to chat, haven't forgotten you, I hope that your days are getting better too. Will come for a visit soon.

Funny thing, I keep reading about NOT judging...I think it is awsom to come to DG and not worry about that, cuz we all know we ARE OUR OWN worst judge, that is why it is so comforting to gather and embrace the challanges together.

..Smile and hug, let's not be so hard on ourselves...Uhhh, want some chocolate??

Chocolate!!! I love you! ☺☺☺

Cross posted, Lets hope not Sally but when that happens, you are in good hands.

Awww everyone is so sweet. So is chocolate!

Sally,

Wait till the rest of the "Best/Worst" Post come over here! You will have priceless support and a loving, nurturing bunch of people embracing you!

So far we have "seedsorter" and Betty. Brace yourself!!!!

Gita

I'm sorry, what'd you say?
:-P hehehe

H A ha ha ha

Crimson,
Sorry if that was confusing....
On "General Chat and Discussion" there is a post (now on part #34) that has about 15 regulars on it. It is a very long-winded Post, but the most therapeutic for all those who spill all about their lives on it. There are some amazing people on there.....Talented, caring...good organizers....Fun!

Go take a peek.....Gita

So cute Gita, I see you typing in speed fashion!
...Yes everyone is always welcome, garden gate open.

Sally, how are things going for you? I see you have three children, sure enough they keep you quite busy. I've 3 children as well, LOL never a dull moment.

Do they help you in the gardens? My little guy does, I call him digger in the gardening season.

hahaha, i feel like a dork, offered you chocolate and then come to find I don't have a picture of any!!
oh well...You have bright sunshiney day...Hope it is warm where you live.

It's funny- I just went to a Swap with Gita and now I 'hear' her talkingg on her posts. She talks like she types, exclamation points mean just that.

Hey Seedtosser, what flavor kids you have We are B-G-B, 17,14,11

Busy eh??? Well, today one is with My Friend- yes I am such a jerk to open up by venting about her and she has my kid all day. She insists that her kids are much happier staying home with him added to the play, she feels like she's getting it easy because she doesn't feel she has to offer other entertainment for her kids.
he's #3- Rest of today wil be an insane shuffle, between here- their school- a friend- two workplaces- two grandmas to pick up and take home- this will be nuts. Some people live this way! we just do it for special occasions!

And kids are so different. My oldest is a real noticer. will ask about my plants and has recognized same ones elsewhere at times. Can't do fussy tasks, but will sometimes be conned into using the muscles.. Daughter and #3 will plant a few flowers w me on request but not that into it.

Thanks for checking on me- I have gotten my brain back on track since I started this.

My brother is like that. Never listens, just goes on and on about his problems. Stuff I've heard a million times. The whole world's again him. He doesn't even ask how mom's doing after her brain surgery three weeks ago. He never even called or visited her. He lives two towns away. When she passes away he'll be the first one with his hand out for his share. Thank God I'm the Trustee of her estate. I'm venting! He's a useless piece of dog doo doo!

I feel better now.

Sounds a bit like my world...
Crazy, with everything going on...Got to take a moment and reflect on when no one is around...haha, than I am crying because i am lonely!!DG takes of that for me.

So cute...My flavor, G G B, 18-15-12/ DD#1 looking for a job, Thanks the heavens,lol. DD#2, an artist, always drawing for me and my crafts...and you know stays up all night...and DS, too cute, always helping someone. They got to be Bribed to do any real garden work, but got to admit Love to encourage what I am doing...to my surprise even brag to their friends!!

You keep 2 jobs? or do you mean yours and DH.

...Wouldn't be so hard on yourself, I wouldn't say jerk,I am thinking overwhelmed. So you know as long as she don't mind and your DS is having fun...allow it...hahaha, let them mess her house! Used to feel guilty about that too...but I don't allow mean words in my house like shut up, or calling eachother stupid...because I am just sooo mean the kids don't like coming here...LOL when they do all H@@@ breaks loose, can't wait for summer till they can be outside. Hope you are laughing, cuz between me and you I am a pushover....

...Bet you go to bed very late too!

Seed--what do you mean I am speed-typing......because I use all the dots?
I use all of 4 fingers when I type--one on my left hand and 3 on my right.
Sally is right--I type as I speak. If I feel there is some thought involved, I will use "....." or "___". If it is something I am excited about--I will use the "!!!". If I REALY want you to hear something...............there come the capitals!

Sally--you crack me up! You always have....Love you all the same!

Gita

P.S. Thanks for the warning...er insight on Gita!!
Just joshin Gita, you know we love ya...Got to giggle had to get used to Gitas writing, but I am on to her too...So glad you went to the swap and got to meet her, My goal one day to hit them all.

Vent away Passtime. Glad you got that off your chest...feels great to let go of ill feelings.
Now whew take a deep breath...Oh My, hope the surgery went well. Your mom know you are there, most importantly you know you are there so if Brother wants to be like that nothing you can do...just try not to let it eat at you...Stay healthy

Well Hi Gita...No you speed typing cuz you called me Seed Sorter...hahhah
I have noticed, winking at you..I can tell when you are excited, just took me awhile before i realized it!!

Well, Seed--I will just call you Judy from now on. How's that?

Sally and I have met several times already. She has the SUV and usually drives as if we are swapping plants, there might be boxes and boxes.

I just got home from the MD Home and Flower Show. Lots and lots to see! Took pictures. Will post some later. Sally chickened out, I asked her to come----seems her hubby was more important........:o(.........snivel....snivel....

If you need to put a face with a name--HEeeeeer's SALLY! This was at Jill's Plant Swap last fall. There were only 8 of us--but we sure had a great time!
PS---don't ever let Bec mix your drinks! By the time I was finished "nursing" mine--it was melting my cup from the inside out. Even checked my chest to see if I was growing any hair on it......................HAaaaaaaaa!

Gita

This message was edited Mar 1, 2008 3:52 PM

Here's the "guilty party"....................
Bec (Bec_No_Va) is a trip! I love her to death! Great, dry sense of humor.......