Opinions VS courtesy and consideration

Opinion. From the Latin 'opinare', to think.

How often, it seems, someone's post will elicit another's ire. Then someone else will comment on that individuals personal opinion and the cycle goes on, feeding upon itself with no regard to anything but "my opinion", and we all have opinions, don't we. It is really unfortunate, in my opinion, that there are these situations which drive otherwise wonderful, thoughtful and considerate gardeners to push and shove, so to speak, and make huge mountains out of tiny molehills. D-Mails are a great way to tell someone you are unhappy with what someone has posted rather than start another one of the all too frequent 'tirades'. Those of you who are of a Christian following are aware of a few things which call for forgiveness, thoughtfulness, love thy neighbor and many other concepts. (Forgive me, but I put my Bible down years ago.) The rest of us may have other thoughts, but all of them revolve around being as "good" a person as we are able. I am embarrassed, hurt and ashamed when I see these posts drawn out over and over and over by people, fine thoughtful people, who have lost their compassion and opted to express their "opinion" on a matter without thinking. Without thinking what the publication of their comment will do to incite another countering or defensive opinion. I can't change anything, only hope that my karma takes account of what I have done and will do in the future. There is more to answer to than nit picking someone who you feel has affronted your ego and needs to hear your 'opinion'.

I do hope Dave will delete this if he deems it offensive. It is merely how I feel about the excessive posts which so often get out of control.
"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you" etc, is a maxim that seems to be ignored all too often.

Thank you, Robert, for expressing this opinion. I'm certain it's shared by many here.

I definitely agree--I think everyone from time to time sees a post that elicits an immediate negative reaction for one reason or another when you read it, but if everyone would take a moment to think "hey, they probably didn't mean it the way it sounded to me when I read it" and assume that the other person had good intentions, then there would be a lot less of the fights that get started. I think we can safely assume that at least 99% of the people who are on here aren't here to pick a fight or offend people, so we all need to give people the benefit of the doubt a little more often--let's assume that they just didn't know how to express their thoughts clearly, or they just have a different opinion and maybe didn't express it as well as they could have (after all, most of us aren't English professors or professional writers!)

Even professional writers get caught with foot in mouth disease every once in a while...bless you for saying what needed to be said. This is a wonderful site filled with good people and good hearts. We all need to remember that more often.

The hardest thing I found when I joined was the tone of voice things were said with. Was it meant in a good manner or just plain mean. I talked to a GREAT friend tosay and was told 70% is tone of voice and 20% is body language and 10% is the words. Well with that the case we can't possibly judge something as mean or cruel unless we first ask how it was intended.

Once I answered a dmail and really ruffled someones feathers. I could not understand. I finally after a few more dmails we exchanged in a cool manner I went back and read the one I sent. Oh my gosh when I read it I could see the flip side of how it was taken.
I deeply apologized for about 4 paragraphs. I did not mean it the way it was read. We must remember every sentence has 2 meanings. One for good and one for bad.

To add to this I had a friend years ago who bought her MIL a gorgeous Rose pin for christmas.
She said her MIL would see the rose when her meaning for giving it was her MIL was the thorns.

Thanks for posting this.

I find that the DG blog works really well for telling people how I feel. I just make sure to mark that entry 'private'. ;>

what is a DG blog please? Just saw this thread and even though I will never put my bible down, I fail quite often in taking offense to what someone has said..................I am just as vulnerable to "sin" as anyone else.....................

well said gessiegail.

Gessiegail, go to my tools (it's the second tab on the top) and then the first button down is the blog page- or more simply: http://davesgarden.com/tools/blog/
Yeah, I'm one of those lucky sensitive types myself. :/ I'm all for standing up for yourself, but occasionally all you need to feel better is a private grousing behind the scenes :) I've only had the later experiences on DG, so far. In some ways it pays to be an introvert. Whatever you say, there is always going to be someone who disagrees with you. That's just life. That aside, my favorites to read on DG are almost all extroverts. (not as they'd define themselves possibly :) They are more engaging and have the energy to give to entertaining others. Mostly what I feel is grateful that I found this site. It's more than worth the cash, and it's as worth the time I spend here.

Thank you so much...................I love the way you put it into words "all you need to feel better is a private grousing behind the scenes". Those are the perfect words for feeling out of sorts about a post.............I will look where you have highlighted and thanks again.

Afraid I am one of those that doesn't put my feelings into the correct words. Always been aware that inflection of the voice could make all the difference in intent. Often I come off as sarcastic and that is the last thing I would do face to face. I hate, hate confrontation.
More likely to take up for someone I feel is being treated unfairly than myself. Dave's is one of the most warm and loving places on the web. If at any time one feels I have offended, please d-mail and let me know. I can promise you it would not intentional. I believe that if one doesn't listen to different ideas....you can never learn anything. God bless us all.

Christi Louc

Thank-you for this timely thread!

My sentiments exactly! Since joining DG a year ago I have twice seen postings get out of hand with conflict between a couple of people. Sometimes I think it happens because of a misunderstanding of typed communication. Other times I think there are just some who like to be confrontational. Instead of taking it to a personal d-mail, it goes on and on for way too long! It reminds me of young children trying to "best" each other. Both want to have the last word.

I have learned that we are all different "personalities" and just as in "real" life, sometimes on-line personalities will clash. It's just a shame when adults act like children and waste the time of everyone else on the thread. I was very stunned the first time I saw a confrontation on one of the forums ... and I so understand why administration has to monitor the forums and sometimes step in to take control. If we can't control ourselves someone must do it for us.

I do hope if anyone ever takes offense at anything I type that they will send me a d-mail to talk about it. I have bad days just like everyone else and I know I can at times be a bit of a witch (with a Capital B) ... but when I have days like that I usually only take it out on my husband. :)

It would be a wonderful world if we all could be a little more understanding of different cultures, religions, skin colors etc. ..... and personalities. We are all human beings and in my opinion I am no better than the next. I have always felt there will always be someone out there with more money than me, more material posessions, more education, a bigger house, fancier car ... but that does not make them any better than me and there are always going to be those who do not have as much as I do .... we are still human beings and should give each other dignity and respect. It's a shame that so much energy is wasted with controversy. There are some people that just seem to thrive on negative energy. In my opinion, life is just too short for that. I guess some think it would be a boring world if we all had the same perspective, but it sure would be a lot more peaceful.

Ilovejesus99: I have heard a similar story about the Daughter in Law giving her MIL the Rose (the version I heard was an actual flower) .... it's a kinda sad story in a way. I just began thinking .... the DIL in that story may end up being "that" MIL some day! I guess there are so many MIL stories out there, usually the ones about people disliking their MIL's. My MIL was a very domineering woman but had a heart of gold. As she aged and I grew older too, we became very close. She lived to be 97 years of age and I am so thankful for having her in my life.

Hyblaean: I too like your "private grousing behind the scenes" statement! I grew up being very sensitive and to some extent still am. But, I am not an introvert anymore, haven't been in a long time. I guess we are all sensitive to some extent, about some things! I get my feelings hurt at times and sometimes have to give myself a good talking to!!


Well ... I'm rambling here, so I will tell myself: ENOUGH!!

Y'all can D-Mail me if you want to rant and rave and tell me off!


Balvenie: Thanks for letting me vent on your thread!

Maybe that's what we need ... A VENTING FORUM!

Oh please no! I have vision of keyboards melting! Some things just need to be screamed into a pillow! ha Ha. Lin, I too have been astonished at some of the "bad manners" I have seen from time to time here....but then I am also astonished at so much of the good will and assistance I see between people who have never met each other and live half a world apart. For those who need a little proof that adults can disagree without rancor...check this out. A great exchange of opinions and all left unbloodied and unbruised. I was proud to be a part of this discussion: http://davesgarden.com/community/forums/t/760152/#new

I think this is the key. Welcome the other person's opinion, but respect mine also.

You are right, the above link is a great example of a touchy subject that many feel strongly about. Yet, these people seem to listen to each other and debate, insead of insult.

It was good reading that didn't make you want to cringe!

They all agreed on the subject..............thus no hard feelings..........smiling.............

*****Edited to just take the opposite point of view............there are those of us who can get our feathers ruffled in a hurry................it is up to me to make a choice to let it go or start an argument.................sometimes I can choose to let it go..............I try not to make more than one or two posts with an opposing view.....................

At the same time, what I hear many of you saying on this thread is "Be like me"............"think like I do"............"always be polite on our posts"...........................

So to wrap this up, I would offer that I would ask of you what you are asking of me....................please know that when antagonistic remarks are made.................have a little tolerance with other people who don't have your easy going personalities.......................

This message was edited Sep 1, 2007 8:54 AM

Very intelligent discussion......many points of interest that should help all of us.

Good Saturday morning, Lou..................I have to get off this computer and start taking cuttings of begonias and working on my gesneraid family.....................

Everyone have a great long weekend...........

It is nice to have this thoughtful discussion. Sometimes I want to just shout *TIME* and send everyone to their corners.

An occasional reminder like this helps us all to consider the feelings of others.

Some people (LOL) are just a bigger pain in the bu**................and I am one of those...........but trying all the time.................

Now Gail, that is so not true! You have one of the most caring, giving hearts of anyone I've come across in this Garden of Dave's!! .... and don't you dare start an argument with me about it!

Everyone on the African Violet forum knows Miss Gail and what a wonderful person she is!

Lin, you are being far to generous............i can be cantankerous when things are not going well at home................but thank you so much............gives me hope to be a "kinder, more gentle" soul..............(LOL)

Often, a little smiley can take the bite out of something that is said. :)

:) So True, Joan!

Sure can - but do you know that some people see them and don't realize what they mean? I've run across this recently. Perhaps a nicely worded Welcome letter could explain these types of things to newbies?

Another thing - Dave, could we have a Clear button next to the Preview and Send? I sometimes have second thoughts when I've started a reply and just bug out. Perhaps if we have a Clear button, some of these messages won't get sent.

I even copied and pasted all the computer lingo............like the smile..........but i can never remember what they are (LOL)
LOL is about all I can remember...........must keep my sheets of printed paper beside me at all times..............
********got my paper...........TTYL!

Kaprec............I just use the back arrow until I get somewhere else other than the post area.................it goes away...............if I do it before I hit send.............

Well, yes, there are ways to get rid of the post. I was just thinking if there was a Clear button there, it would make people THINK - "do I really want to send this?" - as well as making it easier to start over. I have this option elsewhere and like it.

Wish I had a clear button for some of the excess in my head! (smile)

I know - talk about RAM cram! lol

Yep - Altheimer's is just system overload, must close, do you wish to send an error report?

Ooops, that probably sounded callous (good time for clear button!), did NOT mean it that way.

I think it is so funny when people are being serious about computer etiquette..........I laugh because I am doing well just to use the keyboard and even get a thought out.............let alone reread it to be sure I want it sent..........

There really are a lot of people my age who have just over the last 4 or 5 years learned to even use a computer...........just the basics...........

Maybe we all need a sticker on our monitors that says "Would I want that said to me?"

Or at the airport in baltimore they sold little panic buttons that adhesive on the bottom For sending a nuclear missle. If we could make one for the bottom of our monitor and ask ourselves do we really want to cause mass destruction?

I have had things said to me just last week by my 54 year old brother and they hurt worse than if he would have blackened my eye.

"Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.." I am sure you all remember this one. Well there is nothing farther from the truth. Mean Words cut deep into a persons soul and I don't know about you but even when they are not true they still hurt. Bruises heal but the wounds from words always fester up and rehurt. Those wounds never go completely away. But then some people can let them roll off their back. Needless to say you can tell by what I say I am one who carries many wounds.
Or remember "I'm rubber, your glue everything bounces off me and sticks
to you." If I were only made of rubber. We never know who is on the other side of the screen when we choose to hit enter.

Blessings,
Sandy ^8^

Y'all are a hoot! Shari: I get system overload all the time. Sometimes the looks I get from my hubby, I just know he wishes there were a clear button!

Yep, sometimes my dear one points the remote at me and furiously pokes "mute". Ha Ha.

Sandy, you are so right. I think everyone gets their feelings hurt at times, some are good at hiding their hurt and others are very outspoken when someone says something hurtful to them. I have come to a stage in my life that I feel I am in control of whether I let others "hurt" me or not. Words can be very hurtful and I think those who say the hurtful things, especially if they say them on purpose, are the ones who really, really need our sympathy! Sometimes I think it is possible to misinterpret something someone says, but sometimes I also think that person needs to really, really listen to themselves and how they are expressing themselves. There are some out there who are malicious and hateful and all we can do is pray for them to someday see the light. I guess a lot of people have never heard the saying "Do unto others".

Cute Shari! Most guys probably wish the remote really did have that function when pointing it at their spouses!

"Me thinks" this is getting waaaaaaaaaay too serious.................I certainly don't want to cause permanent "wounds" to anyone.............letting you all have the thread (LOL)

Just a note. A universal remote control, does NOT control the universe.