Help with hubby

I have an issue that I would really like some help on and I'm hoping that if any of you have experienced this that you may know of a solution. I have a wonderful husband who treats me like pure gold, and we have an excellent marriage. We have been married for over 3 years now and love each other so very much. We are always very honest and up front with each other. I was married to a jerk for 18 yrs that was not like my hubby now. And I am so thankful that I have him. He has been so good to me. I am disabled and he really takes such great care of me. He is legally blind, so I am his eyes most of the time. It is amazing that what each of us lacks, the other has more of. We are a great team. However, there is one thing that I wish I could change and I'm hoping that some of you can help. He does not have much of a love for plants at all and in fact he hates them at times. He lets me buy them without saying much, well most of the time. Some time he does say that I have too many, but he still lets me buy them. If he is with me when I buy them, he is very quiet and withdrawn. It has even been a sort of hate relationship between him and my plants. Do any of you have any ideas on how to get him at least interested in them? I sure do wish he loved them like I do, or at least liked them even a little. I feel so bad for enjoying them like I do sometimes. I don't think that it is a money issue, even though we are not rich by any means. I can't afford to buy a lot, but I can buy a few here and there. I just don't know what to do about this. I feel so guilty a lot of the time because I do love my plants and enjoy taking care of them. Anyway, I sure would appreciate any comments you could give me to help in this situation. I love my plants so much and it is hard to do this when I feel guilty most of the time. Thank you so much for your help.

JesseK

Jesse, is he jealous of your hobby? Maybe he needs a hobby. I don't know if anybody on here would be qualified to help you. Maybe you both need counciling?? Jeanette

Jesse, I have hobbies my DH doesn't have but unless I spend too much money on them I can't imagine that he would hate or resent them. The things that I would consider if I were in your situation are: 1. Is it possible he hates them because he knows they are beautiful and he resents that he can't enjoy their beauty with you? 2. Does he resent the time you spend with them? I ask that because my DH gets cranky at any hobby that causes me to make him feel ignored or neglected. With us it's the time I spend on the computer 3. My gardening habit is quite costly. I don't make my own compost and I am always buying tools or fertilizers or plants or compost. Lately my big expense is expanded shale. Not only does DH resent the cost, he has to shovel it into place for me. Naturally he resents that if I overdo it. I have to temper everything I do so that all is in moderation. My DH doesn't ask alot but he doesn't like being broke or ignored because I've been entertaining myself.

Those are my suggestions. I personally think I would focus on number 1 but I'm not there so who am I to say that? I would say that "hate" is very strong and if he really does "hate" plants there is something very serious at work here and counseling might be a pretty good idea. I'll keep y'all in my prayers, you keep us posted, o.k.?

Jesse, if he could enjoy "the fruits of your labor" ie veggies & fruits, which would evenually be a cost saveing over the supermarket maybe he would lighten up about your passion, if he has a favorite fruit or veggie try to grow it for him. Just an idea .... Dyson

My hubby's not real into plants either. Maybe the important thing to find out is WHY hubby feels like this about plants. You say he is legally blind, so I take that to mean he has some sight? I have a totally blind friend who is intimidated by the garden because he doesn't want to squash things he can't see, and because of a bad encounter with a rose bush once. For him, I have a little corner where there is nothing to trip over with highly scented but NON-thorny plants. I also have things with textures like lamb's ears that he can experience. Just a couple thoughts, good luck.

Jesse, I suppose it couldn't hurt to try to involve him by growing certain plants as long as you don't try to force something on him that he obviously doesn't like.

From the way you describe your relationship with each other and your husband's reactions when you buy plants, I'm inclined to say the opposite most of what's been said so far.

He loves you and he knows you enjoy your plants, so he's tolerant. You need to be tolerant of his feelings too.

Don't buy plants when he's with you, and don't buy so many.

What does hubby like? Perhaps he would like to buy something for himself, but doesn't feel you can afford it? Maybe make an arrangement with him that for every dollar you spend on plants, he should spend a dollar on music, or whatever interests him? Maybe that would help you two spend a lot of quality time together, you can tend to your plants while both of you enjoy some music? Maybe he could have a guitar or some other musical instrument that he can learn to play while you are gardening? Just a few random thoughts that might help.

Jesse, I have to apologise for making an assumption that you're talking about indoor house plants. If I hated plants, they would be an invasion of my home to me, which is why I made my comments.

Maybe he might like to remodel cars to put it together it has some nice at Walmart if he would like to try.

Jesse, you've rec'd some very good feedback. I need to ask you to clarify something for me if you can. HATE is such a strong word. If you had said "uninterested", "worried about $$", "dislikes" or "can't tolerate the clutter and/or smell" or anything else that would indicate a more rational reaction, I would worry much less about the situation. When I think of "hate", I think of one of my ex-best freinds who was married to my DH's lifetime best freind and cheated on him like crazy. I hung around with her even after the divorce and when I said my husband "HATED" that I hung around with her, I was right on target with my definition of "hate". I wouldn't even say, after all she did, and it was really, really bad, that my DH "hated" her. He just "hated" that I continued to be her friend for so long, knowing the kind of person she was. Am I making too much out of the word "hate"?

My husband is not a gardener and he is not really into plants. I have to say he would have no problem with me spending our last dime on a plant or pack of seeds. That said, I asked him what sort of plants and flowers he likes. I try to plant things in colors or types he likes. I have yet to have him help plant anything but he has helped me pull out a thing or two. LOL Maybe you just need to find out what appeals to him. My hubby is thrilled when I need something built or need a problem solved. Maybe your hubby just wants to be included or have some say in how you spend your time?

Jessie

if he is legally blind like a friend i know then its hard to see the plants. when you go to buy them you see all the beautiful colors and everything he cant. its hard for my friend to go to the plants with me.

i have slowly introduced her to some by smell. like lavendar or rosemary.

she can smell them and know its there by smell. its in a pot in her house and its her own plant to take care of. she doesnt have to see it but can feel the textured leaves and smell it. she knows where she puts it by smell.

maybe he is jealous as you can do something he cant. i would try to get him his own plant.


now my hubby says i have way to may flowers and spend way to much and where am i gonna put it all. BUT i will tell you one thing i introduced him to johnny jump up and violas. doesnt show any intrest in my flowers but let me forget to get violias each year oh my. those are his babies.

maybe you can find a plant he likes and make it his in a spot he knows where its at and let him tend it.

i doubt he hates plants i think its just intemidation due to you enjoy it and he cant see it like you do and enjoy it too.

My Dad used to complain of my Mother;s house plants....but if she needed a new shelf, or something made for her to use with her plants. he always did it for her.

I remember one time when her plants were sitting outside for the summer (on a patio), and she was gone for a few days visiting relatives....up come an unexpected freeze and Dad got every one of her plants inside before they froze....but that didn't stop him from complaing about them....LOL

After Dad was sick and house bound, being winter, Mom had this nice Christmas Cactus sitting in front of the window that was Dad's "window on the world"...or ar least to the community around him.....the plant had a big bare spot on one side....Dad said "see that blank space on the plant?....I wished it away....it was blocking my view and that part won't grow now.."...and laughed!!

So....maybe hubby doesn't "hate" your plants as much as you think! Jo

JesseK .. my instincts are .. to tend to agree with HerbsWife's #1 scenario .. and with imzadi ..

With perhaps a most understandable psychological dismissal and unimportance for your hubby .. of the plants and flowers' valued importance and visible gratification, to you.

For I too, feel that perhaps I may could most easily place myself in his shoes - should the shoe be on the other foot (pardon the punny!)

However, an alternative .. (tho' not to flood him with it in one go) .. would be to visually describe to him .. in somewhat of a brief conversaton .. several intricate details of the appearance, beauty, and 'feel' .. of a few of your favorites. It jes may surprise you .. and, him, even more so. He may even become so inclined to surrender to touching some of the plants .. and lending his own evaluations to you .. about them. Oh sweetie, far stranger things have happened ... besides, where there's a will, there's a way.

Hang in there ... For if he truly 'hated' such, he'd be bustin' his buns to see to it to destroy them, some kind of wiley way ... Again, my instincts reveal that jes the opposite is true ...

Know that I relay to you .. and to that very obviously most wonderful hubby (despite the wee lil misgivin's you may feel exist) - my fondest and very best of wishes !!

- Magpye

This message was edited Feb 11, 2005 1:47 PM

Jesse, I also had a negative reaction from my DH to my gardening. Without going into a long story, my enthusiasm made him feel excluded - - but he was in no way interested in being included either. Every situation is different, but my husband doesn't want to be encouraged to join in - - it makes him feel "pushed". So, I have learned to not talk about it around him and to set aside some time to spend with him doing what he wants. As a result, he has started to show some interest in some of what I do and even makes suggestions for things that I might try.

I think I would encourage you to tell him that you sense that your gardening bothers him and encourage him to tell you why that is. And see if you could come to an agreement on how it could be managed so that he isn't bothered. Maybe, he would feel better if you could agree to "budget" your gardening expenditures. Best of luck to you both! It sounds like he is a really nice man and that you two can work through this together.

Thanks to all of you for your suggestions. I think one of the first things that I will do is to find something that is very fragrant for him to smell. Any ideas for fragrant houseplants? Also, since we are moving from a house in which we only had one room for over 200 plants, (we shared a house with another person so we only had our room to display my plants), to our own home, he is beginning to like the look of all of them, spaced out through the house. I think maybe he felt too "surrounded" by all of them. And I think that some of you had a good idea about letting him pick something out that he likes. I hope I can find something that is "his" babies. Any suggestions of what you men-folk like? Maybe he thinks that some plants are too "girlie" for him. You all have helped me so much already and I am so thankful for all of your suggestions.

JesseK

Gardenias and freesias are often available potted, and they smell wonderful.

Especially around Mothers Day, you can find many potted spring bulbs that are fragrant. Hyacinths, for example. And there are always Easter lilies.

Since you mention that he is "legally blind", does he have some vision? Would he be able to see a fairly large, brightly colored bloom?

bulbs would be good hyacinths in the house. oh my i love the smell of them.

a little herb garden container with a few different herbs. basil is good and smells.

minature gardenia

Jessek , You may want to sugest some tomatoes in a container that he could grow, I keep a cherry one every year outside and several male friends of mine started there own.
Carolyn

Where is the best place to buy freesias, gardenias or hyacinths?

JesseK

lowes home depot always has a nice selection of bulbs. walmart

your local nursery should have some too.

Thanks imzadi. Hey, you didn't happen to get your name from Star Trek did you? Just wondering.

JesseK

I've wondered the same thing about your name.

JesseK, I'm the bad guy here: 20 house plants are a lot to have in a multi-room home environment, 200 in one room or even many rooms are mindboggling! Your DH would probably be a happy camper if you kept all plants out of his favorite rooms. Good luck and best wishes. Pat

I've wondered about your name too, Imzadi... It's the title of the only Star Trek novel I've ever read.

Jesse, thanks for entrusting us with your dilemma...it sounds like you're taking a very thoughtful approach. A solution will not be far off; it may just take time. Good luck!

Shannon

I also know the name Imzadi from Start Trek: The Next Generation. It was the betazoid word meaning "my beloved" and is what Deanna Troi called Riker. Is that where you got it from?

JesseK

Just found this thread and want to add my 2 cents. I think you should enjoy your hobby and not expect him to ever feel your passion for plants. If you accept this and keep the pressure low, he may find his way to support you. It just wont be like DGers. It's okay to have different passions from each other.

At some point when you are no longer invested in wanting him to join you, you can bring up the subject of how he feels about your hobby and then you will know exactly what to do.

Oh and here's another story: My ex and I broke up after a 17 year marriage. He never understood my passion for plants, but now 12 years later, he has become a gardener himself!! And it was the first thing he wanted to tell me the last time I saw him. I think when we were together I was so far into it, that there was no room for him to enter into it. I was too obsessed for his comfort level. But when I was gone, he missed it and pursued it himself at his own pace of discovery.

I agree that maybe your hubby is feeling a little "displaced" by your garden :) It may sound silly to some, but maybe he wants TIME from you...not that you don't spend time with him, but maybe he envies the time you give to other things...like plants. Nothing is better than open communication like you mentioned. Reassuring him that of course he is much more important to you than your garden or something like that ( and purposefully spending less time with garden-related endevors for just a bit) may help him feel more involved in your life. It's possible he just doesn't like not being a part of something so important to you.

I loved, loved, loved the ideas to purposefully search for plants that appeal to his other senses. Scent is a biggy, but could get overwhelming (as his is likely more heightened than most). Lamb's Ears was one of my first thoughts. A "Touching Garden" may be a wonderful project for the both of you if you approach it in the right manner and DH feels at least open to it. Try talking more about how gardening feels and smells than how it looks. Dirt feels and smells so very good, soft & cool... it could wind up being something he finds pleasurable with the right amount of nudge and a heavy dose of positivity :)

Best to you both,
Hugs :)

P.S. I seriously doubt you need counseling.... your marriage sounds lovely in all other ways & no marriage is 100% perfect :)

hugahosta, thanks for your imput. I never thought about a "touching" garden. I think that would be a wonderful project that we could both work on together. I could let him pick out things that he likes the way they feel. And thank you all for giving me your suggestions too. I think I would like to find some things that he enjoys the smell of.

I don't think we need counseling since we do have a great relationship. We are both very open and honest with each other and we love each other so much. He has made me see just how good a marriage can be. And I don't think that he thinks that I am obsessed with plants.

I have noticed that he is beginning to show an interest in African Violets. He especially likes the ones that have very vibrant colors around the edges, such as a white flower with a dark burgandy color around the edges. I think that the contrasting colors make it easier for him to see just how beautiful the flower really is. So I have started letting him pick out which ones to buy, even though it might not be the one that I want. I think this makes him feel more important and a part of my plant life. I am just learning about the rest of the plants that are in the same family as the AV. I recently showed him the Rob's Violets website and he showed quite an interest in them. So I am going to let him pick out a couple of things that he likes from there and then order him a couple things and surprise him with them. I think the idea of me ordering something for just him will make him feel really good.

I hope all of what I have said makes sense. I have had a horrible day trying to get moved from the house we were living in. I just want things to be peaceful and I want us to be able to enjoy our new home. Thank you all so much.

JesseK

JesseK,
That's so great about his interest in african violets! And good for you, being so gentle and letting him lead the process! Chuck what I said about letting it go-sounds like you have potential to share this hobby!! Your marriage sounds exemplary! Sorry you had a rough move-I hate moving with a passion! I'm sure you will soon be peaceful and happy in your new home.

Big smiles at the thought of the two of you enjoying time together with and without plants :)

dont we have a african violet forum??? thats a another way you to can be involved. if he cant read you can to him and be together at the same time.

Hey, if he wants to hang out with us plant huggers, you could always change the font or modify your screen settings so he can see them. :)

Thought i would add my two cents to this thread. I have about alot of houseplants scattered through out my house. Although my husband thinks i am quite weird when he see's or hears me talking to my houseplants and calling them by name but when i go to them in the morning and tell them good morning, how was your night to you wanna see some sunshine, he just laughs and says i am a goof-ball. He does not really yell or bicker much when i buy them...but when he is with me and we walk into walmart or lowe's or somewhere that has houseplants he like guides me past them really fast..lol
anyway back to my suggestion, i get side tracked very easily. i recently got a cactus, and i put it in his office to see how it would do, cause it was doing nothing where i had it. Told him that it was just to spruce the room up, and when it started growing like a weed he fell in love with it, now he calls it his cactus....he says it is more of a man's plant...i say whatever gets him to like it. So maybe buy him a "manly plant" and see if it grows for him..even if it is a small little one that will have no problem growing, let him think that he is doing something and he may get to like them as much as you do.
Well i hope this help :o)
Char

Thanks for all of your suggestions. I have finally figured out one thing or reason why he is not very thrilled by all of my plants. I had an idea come to me and so I asked him this: "When you look at my plants, how many shades of green do you see?" And he said, "Green is green. They are all just green to me." So that is it! Well most of it anyway. All of us with normal vision can see plants that are in so many shades of green. So they are all so unique to us and we enjoy them all in different ways. But to him they are all just green. So we went to Walmart and I let him pick out some different seed packets that he likes. He picked out some of the morning glories that are bright and vivid and he can appreciate their beauty more than some of the others. So that is why he has not liked them because to him they are all the same. With that said, I am now trying to buy things that are very colorful so that he can appreciate their beauty like most of us can. He did pick out one, the Dracaena reflexa 'Song of India' (Pleome reflexa) because it has green and yellow striped leaves. He is able to see the yellows stripes verses the white ones on one of the others. So now that I know one of the reasons that he has not liked the plants, I am now shopping around to find ones that he can enjoy.

I am also open to suggrestions that you all might have of some very colorful indoor plants. Thank you so much.

JesseK

JesseK

Good idea, Char. I think you're on to something. Seems all the men in my family have a thing for cacti. However, I think Jesse's hubby might do well with the 'hairy' kind, rather than prickly. ;)

Yes, he does love the cacti but they have to be in very different or odd shapes for him to enjoy them. I bought him one that looks sort of like the brain cactus but not sure if that is it. It has this yellow fuzz all over it so it stands out. He is now beginning to like some of the plants now. And that makes me so happy.

JesseK

Very creative solutions....good going! :-)

Shannon

Oh, he must have been thinking why would you want another one when they are all the same! That makes so much sense! I'm glad you have some ideas to share with him now.