My Heart is heavy, my grief is deep, my garden soothes me...

This thread is not meant to depress or re-open any old wounds for anyone but to let you know where im coming from this week.....

I am due to fly out of here on thursday headed for Tampa to spend a few days with DD. Up until 2 days ago I was excited, nervous, and anxious....couldn't wait to fly out of here!
Today I am apprehensive, shaken to my core and totally unsure if I should still go.....here is what has happened for me to feel this way:

My son-in-law Shawn is 31 years old, he has been best friends with Ryan since they were 14 yrs. and freshman in H.S.
Ryan collapsed last week at home, they rushed him to the hospital, admitted him to I.C.U. with possibly Influenza. 3 days later he was moved to a regular room where he slipped into a coma. They life-flighted him to Massachusettes where they later pronounced him brain dead. It seems he had had a heart attack at his home and the hospital never caught it. His parents, and wife pulled the plug on Friday, he has a 2 & 5 yr. old children.

My DD Tiffany has been good friends with another girl named Tiffany since they were 12 years old. They went to prom together, graduated together, and recently shared stories of childbirth. Friend Tiffany has 2 little boys, one is 5 and the other is 2. The 2 year old was run over by his Uncle in a truck yesterday and was killed. To say the least she is devestated and so is my DD. My heart is breaking for these young families and I feel so helpless and do not feel like I should go on this vacation.

I have poured my grief into the soil of my gardens. Dug deep until my fingernails bled, pulled weeds until my back hurt and none of it has taken the pain away from my heart. My gardens will thrive from the pain and memories of this young man and little boy. I will find solitude and peace here after all is said and done, but I grieve for their families and for my own right now.
Because of this, I am having a hard time to looking forward to flying to Tampa. Ryans funeral is this afternoon and if I leave thursday I most likely won't be here for the little ones funeral.
I am so torn as to what to do.....please give me advice my DG friends!!

R.I.P. little Angel

How sad. My sympathy to all involved. When this happens to young families it is very sad indeed. As to wether or not you should go on your trip I cannot say. I guess you must consult your DD and SIL as to what they may think or wish for you to do. You can support them but really time is the only thing that will really help to ease the hurt they feel. All the best to all of you.

Thanks Pat....I know time is the key. SIL tells me to go and enjoy myself, but I'm not sure I can right now. DD is to shaken to think of anything but her friend right now.

Celeste - Go and be there for your support. Your strong and keep being strong. If your not strong, how can you help your children. No matter what ever happens, most children look to the parents for support of some kind or another. Walk with a big stick.

How very sad for everyone concerned. Whether or not you stay or go your presence will not help the grieving mother. She'll be in a total blur as will the father. Each person deals with grief the best they can but the loss of one so young must be intolerable.

My sympathies to all.

Thanks Sherrie....I am strong, but helpless at the moment. Words just don't cut it right now and this is a small, small town. We have one high school here Erskine Academy.....it's a semi-private school and only holds 748 students. Both Ryan and Tiffany went to school there so everyone in this town is in pain today.

Words of wisdom as always Pirl, thank you.

Boy, this is one of the saddest things I've read in a long time. So many lives shaken at once. Your daughter would probably appreciate your presence and you will be able to lean on each other at the same time. As to the funerals - I know gardening has been a great release for you. It might also be a way to memorialize those who have gone. A special tree or plant could be a lovely tribute. Or even a heartfelt letter for the survivors that will help comfort them. Most people will understand when they learn of the tragic circumstances.

Deep sympathies to all. - Lynn

Thank you Lynn, I have thought of naming my newly crossed daylilies 'Ryan Chase' & "Caleb Little Angel'.

I think that is a lovely idea Celeste. Certainly a wonderful remembrance.

I also think that's a wonderful idea, Celeste. There is something about creating a living memory to help ease the loss. Beauty and remembrance....

I vote go. It will give you a better perspective of the whole picture while not immersed in individual tragedies. Death is part of life and should be accepted as such. As ngam said, time is the only thing that will heal that type of wound and as pirl said, nothing you can do or say will comfort those who are deep in the mist of grief. Everyone must find their own peace within themselves. This will give you a time to find your own.

Accept misfortune as part of the human condition, it results from having a body, once the body is shed misfortune ceases and you are free to become one with heaven which has no birth or death.

I vote go too but understand how torn and miserable you are feeling. So sorry for your pain. Grieving is a journey that gives life meaning. To share your children's grief validates their love and feelings of loss for their dear friend and child of a friend. We always want to protect our children from suffering but we want them to know love as well.

Laurel

Wow - just saw this. I am so, so sorry to hear this Celeste. I knew about Ryan but to have another tragedy so close must be unbearable. My deepest condolences to all. As for going, that's really impossible for anyone else to say. Does you daughter want to come back home at this time? Maybe you can change the tickets and let her use them. Just a thought. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Celeste, such tragedy. How sad.
I believe there is a greater plan that we are not privy to know. It's so hard to see what that plan could possibly be when you are in the middle of dealing with the loss of two lives, so young.
Follow your heart as far as the trip is concerned. Don't look back on this day two years from now and wish you had done something different.
I draw strength from my family. Know that we are all here for you!(as much as that is possible)
Nance

Thank you all, I haven't decided yet, but my kids still want me to go.
I talked to both Tiffany's today and to say the least it was hard as hell. One is shattered to watch her childhood friend pick out a casket for her baby as she wait for his body to be released. She told DD she just wants to hold him one last time.
As a parent... I can't imangine.
I have always believed that every thing has a reason, a purpose...but i'm having a very hard time with this one.

My heart felt sad just reading your words....I can't imagine the pain. I am so sorry for all the devasting events that have happened to people you know.....I know you feel their devastation as well. It is really up to you whether or not you feel you are ready for this trip. I wish I could offer something more positive but no one can answer that for you. Hugs for you pixie ((hugs)). Hang in there....

Celeste, I don't have any words other than I'm sorry and my thoughts are with you and your family and friends.

my heart dropped reading this.... I have tried to write some words to comfort you but I can not even form them... I am so sorry for all that has happened... and send some strength out to you and the families, and friends involved

I can find no words. Only tears and prayers for everything they are all going through.

Celeste:

I, too, just saw this thread. My heart aches for you, and for those two families as well. I know that the decision to stay for Caleb or to go to Florida must be tearing you apart. I wish I had an answer for you, but the only thing that I can say is to follow your heart. Whatever you feel is 'right' I know you will do.

If I could send you a real hug, I would.

Dawn, Debi, Allison, Katye, Joan and Candyce thank you all for your kind words and hugs, they are most appreciated and needed!!

My oldest DD, Nichole thinks I should go...she said they are big girls now and I have been there for them thru thick and thin. I won't always be here for them so they might as well get used to handling things like this on their own. She's 30 and Tiffany is almost 29 now so she has a point.
The funeral for Caleb is at the end of the week....DH said he'll go with Tiff if she wants him too....but I need to go on this trip.

I have never left the New England States....I have never flown, and I haven't had a vacation in almost 5 years. I think I need this more now than ever.

I think you should go - your physical presence will be a tangle sign of support.

My condolances to all involved.

Michaela

God bless you, Celeste. You know we are all here for you. Please ask if you need anything.

Thanks Michaela & Sue!

Dear Celeste,

I am so saddened by your news. I've never felt love as deeply as I do for my son. I can't imagine losing him. My heart is breaking for these families and for yours. Please know that you and your community are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could do more.

Harper

Celeste, how horrible.
Thank goodness you have a garden as a way to grieve. Constructive activity is a blessing in times like these.
Go on the vacation. You can't do anything else for these families right now. You need to think about your own health. Just b/c you are "on vacation" doesn't mean you're partying and boozing it up! You are putting some distance between you and pain, which sounds like a good idea. A change of scenery, some nice meals out, a good book, long walks sound like salve on a bad wound. Staying at home and wringing your hands will help no one. (I can't imagine having to go through a funeral of a 2-yr-old.)
What you can do is remember these families AFTER the tragedies. Funny how so many caring folk come out of the woodwork during the crisis only to disappear later. If you are there to offer a shoulder, a casserole, gift or just a card in the months/years to follow would be a great thing.
After all of the grief, let's remember to celebrate how lucky our were to have our deceased loved ones in our lives, even if it was for a brief time, and know that they are now "Guardian Angels" looking over us all, and we will see them again someday.

As you all know, I'm still pretty new to this forum...but I wanted to offer my condolences as well. I'm so sorry you and your loved ones are going through all of this. All of you will be in my t&p.
Heather

My prayers and thoughts are with you and the families touched by these tragedies, if you are going to be miserable on your vaca because you missed the little one's funeral then stay home. Can you at least postpone it or change it to a later date?

I, too, am at a loss for words. I'm so sorry for the tragedies that have befallen these young families and will keep them in my thoughts and prayers. You should definitely make your decisions now so that you won't have regrets later - follow your heart - that's all you can do.

While I have to believe that the deceased are in a better place, those left behind will need support. It doesn't have to be a lot or fancy, just visible to them so that they know that their grief isn't to be borne alone.

My heart goes out to all of them and to you.

Kathy



This message was edited Apr 22, 2008 3:41 PM

Celeste - I'm so sorry! What an awful thing to have happened to such young families. I feel so bad for everyone involved. I don't really have any advice but I'm sure after you think about it and talk it over with your family you will do what is right for you. I can't even think of anything comforting to say except I will pray for them. Eleanor

Oh Celeste, I JUST saw this. I agree, you should go to Florida. I also agree, the funeral is exciting, everyone turns out. Two weeks later, the crowd is gone, the food is gone, but the intense grief is still there. A helpful gesture when you get back from your trip will maybe be even more appreciated.

I have been to the funeral of a young child and it was devastating for all concerned, the family, the guests, the hangers-on, everybody. The parents were, as was mentioned above, in a haze of grief. And I think remembering the departed with flowers that will live forever is a perfect idea.

peace. Carrie

Celeste, I am so terribly sorry that these tragedies have happened to those close to you and your family. No one can truly understand the depth of the losses, but hopefully knowing that we are all so saddened for you all will bring some strength and comfort you can pass along as well. I know how much you need a vacation, as your own life has had its daily challenges, so I think you should go to see your other daughter in Tampa and you should take it one day at a time and allow yourself to get rest and even some healthy recreation while you are there. Your enjoyment of time with your other daughter will not decrease your heartfelt sympathy and support for those at home in Maine. None of us can "fix" such a tragedy, and I'm sure those close to you would want you to take this break you need so badly. Blessings for you all! Louise

Thanks everyone....I've decided to go to Tampa.
One of the reason's I really don't want to go to the baby's funeral is because I had to bury my great-nieces 15 yrs. ago. They were 4yr. & 11 months old and were killed in a car accident. I have never forgotton how horrible it was for everyone. I can't do a another baby's funeral.
I'm thinking i'll be more valuble to the parents and my daughter after all the formalities are done and i've had time to heal ME.
Thank you all for the wisdom, kind words and heartfelt condolences you've sent, you've made this much easier and im not feeling as guilty for still wanting to go.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!!!!
Love Pixie ~ Celeste

Good decision, Celeste. I hope you have a good trip filled with all that you need to restore your spirit.

Yes - I hope you cherish every second with your daughter and start the healing process. God bless.

Good decision, Celeste - you know the Celeste ( or Celesta) is a beautiful orchestral instrument that features strongly in the Dance of the SugarPlum Fairy in the Nutcracker ballet by Tchaikovsky? It is very dainty and sounds like a fairy would play it, which was why I was not at all surprised to learn that your real name was Celeste not Tinkerbelle and why it's hard for me not to think of you as Pixie, even now, year(s) later. How long will you be gone??? xx, Carrie

Celeste, not long after my sister lost her 16 year old son, I went on vacation, it was hard and healing at the same time. I'm glad you were able to make that decision to take care of you so that you are able to give more later, as I'm sure you will.

Thank you all! I was sent this link and by the end I was crying like a baby. It may very well be I'm just an emotional wreck right now, or this is, as I see it, a very profound message. I want to send it all to you now so...
Please go here because Who you are does make a difference and you have made a difference in my life.

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