...as i find this to be the most depressing "holiday" in existence.
desperately seeking encouragement...
:(
This message was edited Jan 4, 2008 1:29 PM
It's a low key holiday here. We go downtown for the ball drop and fireworks, but the rest of the evening is at home.
Jezz! That's terrible! So sorry to hear that. I hope next year will be brighter for you & yours! ☺
Amy, I'm really sorry to hear that you are in a difficult place today. Is your birthday in July? Most of us Cancers don't like saying goodbye to anything or anyone - including a year.......I have never been big on this holiday either....It may help if you start your own tradition with something that makes you happy or that you really enjoy, so that the date will have a different meaning for you. I'm thinking about you and hoping you can empower yourself to turn this into something good just for you. And, I do hope 2008 is a good year for you!
Why is that amysthyst? Please tell your story so we can better undersand you. It is funny because one of my best friends goes by the name of amythesyt in her email and I know she too is going through a hard time. I wish you and yours the best this holiday season. However I too know that it can be the most difficult time of year for so many (((hugs)))
June/Cancer here, and very much hate goodbyes, and am an over-protective homebody!
Many people have a hard time with New Years. Probably wouldn't be as tough if you were in the southern hemisphere and it was 85 degrees and sunset was 8:30. I like to use Martian time anyway and it's April. Better get to those taxes!
Amy, I pray that you are surrounded with lots of love today! No shortage from us DG-ers! Just get out any of your gardening catalogs or pictures and think Spring!
Love ya, Sue
Yes, think Spring, with Tulips, and daffs. I'm grinning already!!
Hopefully your grinning will melt some snow, Celeste. Your personality sure can!
Thank you all - it really means a lot to me! i checked in briefly last night, and having so many good wishes really helped. (And nice to know there are other neurotic Cancers out there!)
i guess for me, i spend too much time thinking about how another year is gone, and how i am so not where i want to be in life, and i feel like i have screwed up beyond belief. There's this Richard Bach quote, something like, "You've given your life to become the person you are right now - was it worth it?" And all i can think is - um, not really...
so, last night i wrote down a lot of things i don't want to be (or do) anymore, and went outside just before 12 and burned them.
today i finished all my planting: 5 oxalis, 5 purple sensation allium, and 15 little allium - i even mixed some left-over cosmos seeds in the top layer of dirt - y'never know... and i got everything nicely mulched over for the sleep ahead (with a little help from DH, who just doesn't understand why i go through this every year...).
So i really appreciate all the good thoughts - i feel very isolated in my life here, and it really does mean a lot to feel connected to you all...
thank you!!!!
amy
*
Amy, I hope with identifying some of the things you do not want to be or do, that you identified a GOAL of what you DO want. It's easier to get where you want to be if you know where that is! FOCUS on the goal destination, not just where you don't want to be, can be a powerful changing force for good.
I'm glad to hear you feel better after seeing all the well-wishers for you.
Amy - been through some of that myself after becoming a stay at home dad. Between the job I had just finished and then the abrupt halt, I certainly was not what I thought I would be. My academic 'success' did not match my career or life 'success', whatever that meant! I was feeling this way EVEN though I never was a career driven person. I always said I don't define myself by what I do for a living, yet found myself feeling this way.
I felt isolated too and DG did help a LOT with that. You are among many friends here. Please always know that.
Victor
Amy, I did not choose to be the Mother of a handicapped child with multiple disabilities, sometimes things are destined to be.
Just pick up those feet and march forward with what ever life has to throw at you. When you need us, we'll be marching right beside you!!
Thanks pixie - i was just thinking of you as i looked at all the places i have your daylilies!
But, unfortunately, a lot of my "problems" come from choices i DID make, or avoided making (which is making a choice too - a lousy one).
Time seems to fly past me nowadays, and the available choices become fewer all the time. i am not saying i have the hardest life in the world - or this site. On the contrary, many things became too easy for me a few years ago and i got sucked into the quicksand.
i appreciate the support from so many wonderful people. I am so grateful for all of you!
Amy - please know that you are cared about and so glad you shared your feelings with us!! It sometimes helps me to think of my cup as half full instead of half empty. I was looking for a poem that I gave my father when he was sick before he died and I found this quote instead "don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened"!! I was looking for a poem called, "It's in the valleys that I grow." Being up on the mountain top is wonderful and safe but it's those valleys or tough times that help us grow and become who we are. Everyone has those rough times to get through and surviving helps to strengthen us!! You've come this far and survived - keep going ahead - don't look back cause you can't change what happened but you can make better choices tomorrow!! Life didn't come with instructions and we're all on this journey trying to find our way!! I'm wishing you a happier 2008!! Don't think about what you didn't do, but focus on what you did accomplish and you now have the opportunity to do even more. Eleanor
p.s. - sorry if I rambled too much but I want you to feel better!!
Amy - So many of our DG friends have just said it so well and so much better than I can, but I am so happy that you know that we all do truly care about you and what you are going through. Some of us have learned through tragedy or some tough events that there are very few decisions in life that we make that we cannot change if we really want to. And Eleanor is so right that it is the tough times - like the place where you are right now - that cause us to grow and to reach for something that will make us happier. You really can take little baby steps to turn things around for yourself, and after a few steps, you'll be surprised how your outlook will change and things may clarify for you. You may not have a clue what goal you want to have right now, so it may be frustrating to even think in those terms, but that will change as things start to sort out for you. We are so pulling for you and understanding what you are going through. I think you've made such a good start, so be easy on yourself when you have moments where you think you aren't getting there. It WILL come if you are open.
I'm amazed at how many of us are Cancers.....Celeste put her finger on it....we are all pretty much cut out of the same cloth, I think. LOL What a crazy quilt we'd make!! Take some time to laugh at yourself too, Amy..... it's just too tempting to take ourselves so seriously that we forget that our screw-ups can sometimes be pretty amusing if we step back and check it out. Happy New Year.......what a great day for a new beginning!
Amy, You may be dwelling on the "not so greats" in your life over this holiday, but from reading your posts in the past, it seems you are moving forward in a good direction and leaving lots of beauty in a not so perfect spot.
Burning that list of negatives is a wonderful symbolic act and paired with the ironic juxtaposed of planting some bulbs and cosmos (harmony) is truly wonderful. Now if you had mixed those negative ashes in with the soil that those lovely alliums will spring forth from come May, I would be truly awe struck at your symbolic act. Pure poetry. Sleep well tonight and know perhaps that you may suffer no more nights like this ever again or at least only once a year and that you perhaps can expel these bad thoughts with fire and a little allium bulb worn around your neck to scare off your annual New Year's eve demons. Patti
Amy, the quote you mentioned reminded me of this one on a Mary Engelbreit print. "It is never too late to be what you might have been." You can do anything! (And how appropriate that she drew a gardening theme!)
That's a good one for all of us, Sue!!
Amy,
I'm sorry that you're feeling down. I know what it's like to be stuck doing what you think you should do or what others expect you to do rather than living the life that you really want.
We may never be able to realize all of our dreams, but we can make some of them come true. Changing your life now may seem impossible, but it can happen. It sometimes takes a long time to make the changes that you want, but you have a long future ahead of you, so try not to be discouraged. And sometimes things happen unexpectedly.
I agree that having a goal to work toward is important, but I also know that sometimes what you want isn't really clear yet. In any case, you've taken a good step forward by identifying what you don't like and don't want to do. Keep taking steps toward your dreams.
Loretta
Amy, I am reading a great book right now. "Cure for the commom life by Max Lucado". I love the way Max uses words and it's a short book but packed with insigth and encouragement (It's a christian book - don't want to offend or not be disrespectful of anyone's religion!)
I hear you when you talk about "choices" - I had my share of bad ones! but one thing I am learning how to do: giving myself a chance to fix things... and being merciful and nice to myself too!!!! gosh I am so hard sometimes...
You are walking foward! I agree with Loretta - sometimes is hard to figure out what we really want, but at least you know what you don't want!!!
I join the others and say "Go Amy, Go Amy... Gooooooooooo Ammmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!
Amy,
By the way, regarding the time of year--I do believe that the reduced daylight in winter affects our moods. I always try to keep my home as bright as possible and I think it makes a difference.
It certainly does. Even has a name Seasonal Affective Disorder - SAD. I have full spectrum lights in the kitchen and it really makes a difference.
great point Loretta and Victor !!!! I have the fireplace going every time I am in the den studying or even just to watch tv...
i do definitely find it easier to get up and about on sunny days than dark, dreary days.
the positive energy from all y'all here has brought me sunlight and warmth regardless of the winter weather.
Awesome, Amy! The power of people caring is really amazing to me....always has been. Stay warm and take it one step at a time. When I was in a really frightening place not too long ago, I forced myself to start counting any blessings I could think of. Before long, the calm came. I had to do that very often for awhile, but then the list started getting so long that I didn't have time to finish....that was a better place to move to!
I agree about the lack of sunlight. I have those "daylight" bulbs in every room in the house!
What kind? Do you find them helpful?
i am also depressed because i am dealing with a seemingly endless eye infection/irritation that has been going on in some form or other since just before Thanksgiving. I've been to my regular eye doctor 3X, and had 2 different courses of prescription eyedrops. He said weeks ago that the infection is gone - yet my eyes are still horribly red. i have an appointment with a "serious" eye doctor tomorrow - soonest they could see me - i called last Wednesday - and i am VERY worried. i haven't worn my contacts at all for 2 weeks now, and not regularly for a month. Before that, i had not wprn glasses in public since i was in GRADE school. i have a very strong prescription, and i feel inhumanly ugly every day. (i also don't see as well, and won't drive on the highway - at 1st i wouldn't drive at all, but now i do if i have to.)
i'll let you know what i find out tomorrow afternoon...
*
Wow - good luck, Amy! Full spectrum fluorescents go under many names since now there are many who put them out. They are more expensive than the regular ones but worth it. I have used them for almost 20 years now. We used to use them at work.
Do you mean something like this VG? I got this one as a present, it's ugly but I use it everyday and havent changed the bulb in 3 yrs! -since I got it. Pricey though but the best reading lamp I've ever had... wish I could change all my bulbs to this type.
(crossing my fingers for your MD exam) ☺
http://www.sharperimage.com/us/en/catalog/product/sku__SI561CHR
Amy,
So sorry that I didn't see this thread until a few minutes ago so I could lend you some support.
It does happen to be a sad time of the year for many. Between "celebrating" when we don't feel like it, having to put on a happy face when we'd rather roll up in a blanket and sleep for a month just to avoid other people, or thinking of the past and wishing we had chosen different paths, it isn't all smiles for many people.
Taking baby steps towards what we now feel we want in life, and not accepting the ideas of others as your own measure of success, is a big step in reality. Make your own definition of success and ignore how other people feel. In the end your opinion is the only one that matters.
Feeling miserable for so long with your eye problem has to be a downer and feeling you don't like the way you look can't be much fun either. Who wouldn't feel down about it?
Good luck with the eye problem. Please let us know the results of the exam.
Arlene
thank you...
Yes, WC!
Hope your eye is better soon, I feel for you as I have had a cyst in my upper eyelid since last March. It did drain twice recently - wasn't a pretty sight, and I've just gotten back to wearing my contacts for the past few weeks. I fell asleep wearing my contacts - and think that is what caused the cyst, but the doc said it was coincidence.
Good luck tomorrow.
thanks! yikes - that sounds awful - no fun at all. mine are just red and irritated. i was even wondering if i caught it from one of the feral cats we adopted around that time, but the vet said no.
Amy, I just use the GE Reveal light bulbs. The box says they are "enhanced color spectrum, A19".
Good luck, Amy!