URGENT: Hubby is admin of estate needs book/guidance

My husband is the administrator of his parents estate. His mother remains but had a massive stroke on Sunday (she's 90). He would like some guidance in regard to books, reference material, etc that would give him guidelines - not just personal experiences - for how to handle a large, money obsorbing family.

He is one of 3 adult brothers, he's the youngest at 62. His mother has requested no feeding tube, etc and we know it's only a matter of days. He is very knowledgeable as he was a former chief of police - but he needs to know proper procedures/guidelines in an easy to follow (under the stressful situation) so he can keep things as calm as possible.

Your book/reference suggestions are appreciated -

kathy

Kathy, So sorry to hear of your mother-in-law's illness. I will say a praryer for her.

Concerning the executor issues, this book got some good reviews on Amazon and might give you some tips:

http://www.amazon.com/Executor-Trustee-Survival-Douglas-Wilson/dp/0970489005

I just served as executor and trustee for my mother's estate. (It's good that you are getting ready before hand.) I had talked months before with my friend who had just distributed her mother's estate and she gave me good tips about how to handle the personal property between her four sisters.

We did all we could when the children (9 of us) were together for the funeral weekend--gave out binders with forms, letter from lawyer, check list for personal property that each sibling preferred, etc. and got correct E-mail addresses for all (including grandchildren) (Important!)

We also relied heavily on a lawyer who came with fine recommendations.

Very interesting process. If you have specific questions, give me a d-mail.

Good luck. t.

THANK you for the reply. If there are any things you can think of that would help, personal, please feel free to email him directly - please - through my email shihtzumarley@verizon.net

We will check out this link and the notebook idea is a plus - we just don't know what to do and even though Maw is 90 - it's not something you really prepare for in detail.

HUGS to you and please keep Toby in your prayers. Sorry to hear of the loss of your mother.

HUGSSSSSS
Kathy

One other thought is that if your mother-in-law is eligible for the Hospice program it might be of real assistance to your husband and her other caregivers.

Hospice was absolutely invaluable to us. They will provide all kinds of family and patient counselling that helps everyone understand what is happening during the 'end of life cycle' and will help with 'relationship' issues that may crop up between the siblings.

I believe hospice will help out whether the patient is at home, in a nursing facility, or in a hospital....(at least our hospice will)...and my mom had hospice care for a year and a half so it can go on for some length of time...it's definitely worth checking into.

Good luck.

Am very sorry to hear of your mother-in-law. My parents passed away in 1997. There were 5 of us to go through the personal items. We did this by filling boxes with household items,holiday decorations,jewelry,etc. until most everything was boxed up. The boxes and numbered 1-5, until all boxes had numbers on them. A couple of days later, we drew numbers out of a hat to see which boxes we would receive. This worked out very well, as there was no way to argue over who got what. As for the financial part, my older sister was the executor and very fairly split everything five ways.

As tabasco states, it would be a good idea to contact hospice. If they cannot help you at this time they will be able to lead you in the right direction.

hugs and prayers to you and your family.

Thanks for following up. She was taken home today. I ordered the book last night with express mail for Friday delivery. She can get hospice which is a blessing too.

Toby is so stressed out. He parked in a store lot today and just sat there. He's so dreading the aftermath. He has 2 older brothers. All 3 are VERY different. The oldest is always telling the nurses how bad he is - it's a new audience for him but he's told the same nurses the same story each day. He talks at the speed of a turtle. This is driving Toby NUTS. He gets so annoyed at the me, me, me stuff. The other brother has lots of heath problems, money issues, a son who just went to federal prison and is drinking himself to death. Toby is fine with him but his daughter is taking things from Maws house like quilts and probably jewelery, etc. and probably hasn't made one single good decision in her life at mid-30s.

I feel so sorry for him and don't know how to help. I suggested he get a tablet and find a quiet spot without one of our 6 cats or 3 dogs, and just write down things he needs to do when it's time. Get the list of names of family under each brother and what relationship they are to Maw.

Do you have any advice for some of the first things to do - that may not be as obvious as some things? Or things NOT to do? I suggested he tell them ALL that he will have a letter mailed to each one within 4 months. That will allow for bills to be paid, taxes, etc. And time for the 3 sons to decide what they want and then move down the list. Not to feel like he has to do it right away.

Your advice is so helpful and I greatly appreciate it.
Kathy