Living Single

To all those "single & searching" ...
How do you do it? I've found myself recently to be 'alone' again. I'm not some bubbling teenager, nor am I a young-20-something that runs around to bars & clubs, "ruining adult society". In fact, I'm a pretty productive member of society, with a professional job in a chemical company, living in a small town (pop 65k or so), and far, far from home. I don't live in a top-class neighborhood, but a little 2-bd apartment. I have some good friends, but all but two or three live out-of-state (back home or in another state I've lived in). I feel like I'm searching in all the wrong places, and from recent history, picking all the wrong people.
What's a good way to 'look'? Of course, other than visiting bars (yuck!), scouting out an online disaster waiting to happen. I'm not really in any clubs, except for the county 4-H kids' club. Additionally, what's a good way to maintain, i.e. think a lot about myself so I at least look approachable? I guess I don't want to put a "for sale" sign on my forehead, but how do I make it a little more obvious?

Admin staff: if this is out-of-place, and doesn't belong here, please remove & email me.. I'll apologize in advance if it doesn't belong

My experience is you never "find" when you are "looking"... Out of the Blue, someone appears.

Try getting active, like a church or voluntering in community activities, or some recreational activities... local kids' sports, playing bridge or bowling... anything you like, and just concentrate on making friends first and foremost.

I have those things... I just guess it's not going like I want it to.

Can I add a thought? I find in life if there was something I really wanted then it just seemed so hard to reach. I would pray of course for whatever and it would just seem to become all the more remote but I learned a secret once from a book by Catherine Marshall.She talked about the prayer of relinquishment. Just give it all up and put in our Lord's hands. He will give you exactly what you need; just trust. And Darius' advice is right on. Just be comfortable with yourself and enjoy the things you do and let go of other worries and hopes of "finding" that someone. If it is His will it will happen. Not meaning to be preachy but just trying to give you hope. He loves you more than you can ever imagine and wants what is the very best for you.
:) :) :) Joann

In order to find the right person, (or wait on that person to land at my front door), I have to be the right person ...
I guess what I'm looking for is how to develop and "be" the right person.
Lenjo - What you write is the opposite of what a friend here told me. She said, "God says if you pray for it specifically, it will happen." Maybe she's crazy, but I have to wonder: Why bother having prayer requests at all if all God wants me to do is relinquish? We're supposed to ask, aren't we? Or do I just say, "God, I don't want to look, so You take care of it when You want to, if You even want to?" That sounds so depressing...

Jen, I think you are already the right person. I think you just haven't been found by the person that will complete you. :) You are lovely and kind and have a nice figure, you give to others and go to church. You are sweet and helpful, creative and pleasant and many other things. Maybe you just don't know it yet.

I do believe it is true, that you will not find the right person for you, if you are looking for that person. I believe when it is real, it does just happen. I think it is harder when you move around because no one gets you, nor you them. You are far from home and friends and family and that has to be hard. Keep a smile on your face and that warmth in your heart and have faith. He's out there. :)

Ironically, I did meet my husband in a neighborhood pub. I worked there for three years. He was a regular there. He would stop by after work drink a beer or two and pick up food to take home. I have always told people NOT to go looking in bars but that makes me kind of a hypocrite huh? LOL I also know another girl who was a friend of the managers who stopped in often. We were all in there one night, not working, and this girl said a regular guy was cute. You know we had to be loud and harass the both of them but before we left, we did get them to exchange numbers. They have been together for 16 years. He was another that just stopped by on the way home from work. They aren't all bad.

Hi Jennifer!

I will agree with Lenjo. I think you just need to enjoy the moment and put all your hopes and fears and wants and worries in God’s hands. God knows exactly what you want and He will provide for you. The problem with that is that God’s clock doesn’t always work quite as fast as we want it to sometimes. That’s not to say that I have never made specific requests to God because I certainly have. We have raised three daughters and He has heard many many requests for them and still does. But here is an example of putting it all in God’s hands and it kind of fits into your post on the Prayer Request forum. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I never asked God to fix it or make me well. I did, however, say, Oh Lord, what have I done to make you mad at me but that’s another story. What I did do, was ask God to hold my hand for the journey and wherever the journey ended was fine with me as long as He was there with me. Once I learned to do that in all things, I found my life to be much more peaceful. In the meantime, do as the others have told you, get involved, enjoy your social life and have fun. When the time is right, and probably just when you least expect it, Mr. Right will fall right in your lap. You are an extremely talented and intelligent young lady. God is looking out of you, really He is...just trust and have faith :-)

Thanks, ladies... I guess I'm just not "feeling it"...

Faith is so much more than feeling, feelings, emotions are so fleeting and can be so hard to deal with. I guess what I was thinking about Angelsong was there was a time when I was first married when I struggled to have my children. I wanted it so badly that I would have to admit I probably become obsessed with it and only when I finally let go and said ok, whatever you want I will accept.
But that wasn't an easy road either. It took me two years to finally give up and relinquish my ability to have a baby into God's hands. And then I did. I think He just wanted me to know He was in charge. Believe me as Vic says it doesn't mean that I don't pray and ask all the time for favors. But I try to stay as a little child and depend on Him. But I don't succeed very well. But through all the hardship of it all I have learned deep within my being that God loves me more than I can ever love myself and want better for me than I know myself. This isn't a feeling either. It is a knowing. It is gift.

"Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But turn your attention to other things in life and it quiet ly lights on your shoulder." Or something like that. I too have been alone for some time now and haven't been "chasing" anything. However I have found that I am fairly content to be in company of Tina now. Don't know where I'm going with this but in my humble opinion you are right where you are supposed to be a any given moment if you let go and let God.

Tina

Thank you, Tina. Nice to hear from someone else who's really single, and who really understands what coming home to a quiet house means.
Did something tonight I haven't forced myself to do in a couple weeks - I prepared dinner, from scratch, all for myself only. Last couple months, I wasn't cooking anything fancy unless I had company. Tonight, I was at the store, and I forced myself to think about "what's for dinner tonight?", especially hard on a weekend-nite. I cooked some fabulous spaghetti pasta with peppers, onions, garlic, in a garlic alfredo sauce. :) HMM! Fresh breath, huh??? *cough cough* Just don't kiss me, and you won't die from the fumes. :) It tasted great, and felt just good to do more than boil water for pasta or pull something from the freezer for supper.

AngelSong, I'm "really single" too, and one of the good things I do for myself is exactly what you did for yourself tonight! (and I use the good china!)

Something else I did for me today! This morning, Chewie & I went to a fair parade in a nearby town & rode with the county youth 4H horse club as a "babysitter" member. I'm one of the adults that rides with the kids in events & meetings, coaching them to be better (calmer) riders.

Our group name lended itself to dressing up like clowns, so here I am!

Great outfit, and the decorations on your horse!

I'm a little confused... I read on your thread in the Prayer Forum that it's only been 3 weeks since the ex-boyfriend left you. WHY are you so worried SO SOON? You need time to heal...

It's not that simple, darius .... just try & trust me on this one .

Love the picture!! As a former 4-H leader in Va. Beach, VA....where i had a Community Club (no horses) and another club of Performing Square Dancers...I admire you for your involvement.

I live alone also...been widowed now for about 4 years, but unlike you, I have my two DD's near by.....and I do a lot of volunteer work.....you'll find Mr. Right...as they say...."sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince"!! Jo

AngelSong: I love your DG name, it is so beautiful and so peaceful. I was alone for several years between the end of my first marriage and when I moved to Montana to join my current husband. During that time, I finally discovered that being alone was a lot better than being stuck with the wrong man. Not that my first husband ever physically abused me, but the cut-downs and snide remarks really did a job on me. Three years of being alone (except for a dog and several cats) helped me to come to grips with facing a life alone. It was only after that that my DH and I got together. Perhaps God wants you to prove to yourself that you don't actually need a man in your life? Hope you find peace and companionship. Dotti

In my own life, the lesson learned has been this: You don't find real love through desperation. Sure, you can find someone if you really want to and work hard, but it's not likely to be the right person for you. It's a funny thing... It seems like, not only are you likely to attract the wrong kind of people if you're too needy, you also seem to be attracted to the wrong kind of people, yourself.

If you have a full life and feel good in you own skin, you are much more likely to attract someone who is good for you.

I have been single for several years, and I know what it's like to come home to an empty appartment, being really grateful that at least one of the cats is home to greet me. But it's still so much better than being in a bad relationship, and so much healthier for one's soul.

I have to second what Lenjo and Vic say. not to change the subject, but back when my life was upside down, and we didnt know what to do. my dh wasnt having luck finding a job, i just pretty much gave it up to the Lord. next thing I knew, my dh decided to move to turkey, he opened a pharmacy here, the house sold the minute i thought about putting it on the market, (i didnt even have the chance to formally put it on the market) my sister told me to leave my son with her, everything just fell into place.
Dont try so hard, just live your life for the pleasures you get out of it. give it up to the higher power and see what happens.

It's not that I'm "trying so hard". The issue is I "don't feel good in my own skin" right now.... Everyone must think that when I wrote this I'm looking at everybody I see and trying to decide if they're a "fit" or not ... it's not like that.

Angelsong, I've been where you are, and I know it is no fun!! A couple of my friends have tried this place with great success, and had the internet been as popular back when I was single as it is now, I most certainly would have considered it.

Anyway, the place they've used is www.eharmony.com I'm not sure how much it costs, but, one of my girlfriends married the guy she met from there, and another one is getting pretty serious with a guy she met through there. Annette was married for 22 years to the same guy, and one day he told her he didn't want to be married anymore, and left her and their two teenage children to "find himself" she didn't date for a while, but when she was "ready" there really wan't anything out there.
She didn't want to do the bar scene, so, we talked her into this. There are so many folks out there who don't do bars, and in my case, if I were single and relying on church to meet someone, I'd have my pick of 80 year old men, but none my own age. Check it out, it might not be something you want to try, but it's certainly another option.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Melissa

I've considered that, but when I also recognize that there are other "online activities" I want to continue to pay for, I have to choose priorities... and I still haven't done that.

Angelsong, I'm also single. My (second) husband of 5 years died 2 years ago. My first marriage of 25 years ended in divorce 11 years ago.

You are in a time of adjustment and probably grief. If you do find someone in the near future, you won't have time to deal with these important emotions.

Look at it this way : God is protecting you at the present time until you heal. You do not want a rebound relationship - that isn't healthy.

Dr. Phil says that it is DEFINITELY better to be alone than to be in a sick relationship - be patient. By the way, I love the clown outfit - I want to sew myself one .....

Let me dispell something ... I'm not looking for someone "right now" ... not at all. Quite frankly, I don't think I want anyone, ever. I'm that upset about the whole mess. What I intended here was just some 'early preparation', and some 'mental re-assessment' for myself.

At work, when something BIG goes wrong, we have what's called a "Root Cause Investigation". I'm really into my job, so I guess I was performing a little RCI on myself, so to speak. (Told a lady at work that last Friday, and she said, "Jenn, we've GOT to get you out of here!"

That's a bit different than what you said in the first post, although you did mention

good point darius!

I'm not in the mood to argue, but I never said "how do I find someone RIGHT now". Asking what can I do to be approachable also doesn't mean I'm looking RIGHT now. Good grief. Other people here post just looking for a shoulder to lean on.. why can't I?! Apparently that sympathy you all have is reserved for a specific clique of people.

No not reserved at all do not get me wrong just want to know what you are hoping for! Please do not feel attacked or neglected.
There is nothing wrong with looking right now or just wanting to look or be more approachable!
Not at all trying to offend just wanted to clarify your desires in the thread.
So Sorry
Anne

Anne - you came out of nowhere with your "good point" comment, with nothing else to add. So, yes, I felt like I was being attacked.

I've re-stated in here a couple times ---
"I guess what I'm looking for is how to develop and "be" the right person. "
"Everyone must think that when I wrote this I'm looking at everybody I see and trying to decide if they're a "fit" or not ... it's not like that."
"I'm not looking for someone "right now" ... not at all. Quite frankly, I don't think I want anyone, ever. "

If you haven't seen my other posts, then you have no clue what else I've been through lately. I am in the middle of a family battle that I had nothing to do with. I ran from a hurricane, and spent a fortune doing it (just as bills started rolling in for a trip to the ER I hadn't planned). I'm in the midst of a medical mess that hasn't been diagnosed yet, and won't for another few weeks. So, you all are right - I'm not ready to date. I'm not ready to let down my wall & trust anyone.

But saying that straight-out to me, doesn't exactly answer the original post, so thanks. (sarcasm written & intended) All I was looking for was for my "friends" to help me through.

So very sorry to STEP out of line I have read other posts you have made and I do not always post but yet read and comment (obviously in this case out of line) if I feel I have anything to offer.
I will unwatch this thread and step off so to speak so as not to upset anyone further.
I do so hope you find happiness in whatever form that may be!
Please take care and good luck in all that comes to you in the future.
again I am not here to upset anyone so very sorry I did,
Anne

I'm "unwatching" too... I merely have been trying to point out that what you were asking was never clear from your first post HERE plus lots of us don't read all the foruns (who could?).

You are not the only one with problems, and it could be MUCH worse if you lived on the MS/LA Gulf Coast during Katrina. I, too, have my problems. Lost my mother Sept. 2 and have a spot on my lung they cannot biopsy.

Oh I do not want to go out there on that limb again but darius I am so sorry about the spot! Please let me know in "coffee" how things are going!
thoughts are with you
Anne

AngelSong, I hope you find what you are looking for very soon. God Bless. Dotti

Angelsong, first you have to be happy with yourself. Do things for yourself, start enjoying life with yourself and for yourself. Once you are happy with yourself and life around you, you will be amazed at how things will start to work in your favour. What makes you happy? be a little selfish and think of yourself and do for yourself.
Good luck to you.

Angelsong you live in beautiful town you look great you will have no problem been there 3 times alone. just relaxe and smile whenyou least expect it it will come.. i never looked after 3 brakeups they found me..one at wrestling match when kids young they loved it took them.. another friend introduced me.. get out around you will be surprised.. i do not think you will have any problem when your truly ready... Go to different things not bars, flea. mkts, the grocery store..parks. believe me i know how it is I'm old woman now you look really young lots yrs left..

Twyla

Angel you make me wish I was younger and available. I hope you find Mr. Right. Mr.Wrong is too easy to find.

AngelSong,
I was single for a long, long, long time after my marriage at 21 that ended in divorce.
Being alone was not easy at first but a few things helped.
1) I worked on my relationship with God every day, keeping a written prayer journal.
2) I actively pursued like-minded friendships, at church, in the community and on the internet. I set aside time to cultivate these relationships, setting aside time each week to write letters or cards to the far away ones and /or call them, and having lunch or dinner with one or two each week if they were local. This was a key factor in my survival.
3) I attended a divorce recovery group - essential for my own peace of mind.
4) I allowed myself to take care of just ME for once. I went window shopping. I read a good book each week. I turned off the TV. I created a little garden on the patio of my apartment. I took care of my hair and nails and complexion. I ate things no one ever liked but me... and developed my own routines.

I think maybe these ideas are more what you might be looking for? Although it sounds to me as if you are very much doing a lot of this.

God bless you and may you find your "niche" in your life.