Motherhood

This is an old column, by Erma Bombeck, dated April 5, 1968, and presented here for the benefit of all people who love children and especially for those trying to adopt a child, like Michelle:

What Motherhood is REALLY All About

In California, a search is under way for the 1968 Mother of the Year. Don't get your hopes built up, friends; you have to do everything but hoist an umbrella and fly.

First you have to be a mother of outstanding character and achievement as evidenced by the character and achievements of your individual children. You must be an active member of a religious body. You must show traits of courage, cheerfulness, pateience, affection, kindness, understanding and homemaking ability. Your last child must be over 15 years of age (to prove your endurance, I suppose). You must have a sense of responsibility in civic affairs and be active in public serive in the community. Last, you must not be divorced.

Makes being a mother sound like earning a Girl Scout badge, doesn't it? Since when does the presence or absence of a father have anything to do with motherhood? It takes twice the stamina to raise them alone. Since when does public service or homemaking have anything to do with it for that matter?

Motherhood is love, discipline, sacrifice and hard work. It's loneliness, exhaustion, pride and disappointment. It's tired feet, frustration, hope, prayer and a great deal of laughter. It's mistakes and despair. It's a great deal more than that.

It's mopping up and changing the sheets at 2 AM before you start the washer. It's giving the last pork chop to a little baseball player when you could devour it yourself. It's lying awake in the dark until you hear your teenager's key turn in the lock. It's looking at your son's straight teeth and braces and seeing your fur coat. It's seeing your child hurt and not being able to do anything about it.

Motherhood has never had anything to do with giving birth. I've seen men who are better than mothers, 10-year-old brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles who are better mothers than mothers. I've even seen cocker spaniels who are better mothers than mothers. I've seen wonderful, dedicated civic leaders whose children won't talk to them. I've seen women with kitchens so clean you could eat off the floors, but their children won't even walk on those floors.

Everyone lauds the stay-at-home mother, even the ones who pull the curtains and booze it up. Everyone lauds the woman who stays married at any cost. (Everyone, that is, except the children living in the inferno.)

I have no doubt the California Mother of the Year will be carefully screened and deserving of the title. The framework of the requirements leaves little room for error. But it is dubious in my mind if a committee of adults are the ones to make the decision. Only a child can make the award.

And you know something? I'll bet their decisions would have nothing to dop with civic service of a clean sink!

Pirl, that is great. I especially like the part about "everyone lauds the stay at home mother, even the ones who pull the curtains and booze it up." That was my mother in a nutshell. Funny, in '68, mothers were lauded for being stay at home moms, but not so much today. If you are a stay at home mom, then you are considered dumb. Too dumb for a career. Now it is all about "you can have it all" by having a big career, being a great wife, and mother. Something always suffers b/c we cannot "have it all". Well, let me put it this way as not to offend anyone who has a career and children....I certainly could not do it all...something would definitely suffer. Although, I have seen signs that the pendulum is moving back and women are not looked down upon if they do not have a career on top of being a homemaker/wife/childrearer.

I have already had my career in the big workworld and made lots of money and wielded lots of power...my next career at being an at home mom is more daunting and intimidating than anything that I experienced during my career days. It will be harder I think, but oh so much more satisfying than a big fat paycheck. God is so good to us that DH is able to have a great job that I can stay at home and be a mom. I praise Him for that privilage. We have learned to be very fugile with our money so that I can stay at home with our child.

Besides, it would seen kind of lame to me to go thru all this process to adopt plus the huge amount of money it costs...and then bring her back to America only to stick her in a day care with strangers while I went to work. You know?

Michelle

You are 100% right and don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

Thanks!! :)

You have my permission to double over laughing if someone asks when you're going back to work and tell them you're doing the hardest job in the world: 24/7 for a long time.

exactly...24/7 yikes! kind of scarey. :)

It's been long tiring years for all mothers, waiting for business and the world to recognize the importance of motherhood, good day care, not every mother who works outside the home does it to have a career. Some do it to have groceries and rent. Even so called child friendly work places aren't always so friendly, job sharing isn't yet popular, and most women still do double duty, as all husbands do not share the load.

I congratulate the mothers who stay at home because they want to and can afford to do it, and I praise the mothers who struggle along with a full time paying job as well. I always told the girls who worked for me that they should stay home as long as they possibly could, because those early years just fly by.

I've been in both situations, and know quite well, it's a tough row to hoe. Congrats on your search for an adoptee Michelle, all of the above is true, and it will be a fortunate child who comes to you!

You're right on all counts meezers. It's heavenly to be home with little ones and I still miss those days. There is no turning back the clock and I can only wish that all mothers could have the luxury of staying home. As you said, it's not always possible and there are so many who are alone with this struggle and so many absent fathers and no good bums. The no good bums can be either sex, too.

This is a really nice thread and I have been sitting on my hands.

There is a wonderful compliment that you can only get from another mom. It is always really nice when you are maybe a bit jealous of a mom you know that has a life, comes and goes, dresses nice, knows what a 'dry cleaner' is, has friend etc. and that same mom tells YOU how great it is that you stay home with your kids because they just don't have the patience for, can't do it 24 hours a day, "needs to get out of the house", whatever.

There are days when I would gladly hand off the kids to a sitter, put on a nice outfit myself and leave for a day! LOL I have worked full time jobs on and off over the years to make ends meet, for extra money, whatever. Honestly, I can't wait to get back home! If I had the occasion to find another mother insane enough to watch six kids, I think it would be great to be able to trade off for just a few hours here and there.

I don't think there is any perfect way to get your kids, nor is there any perfect way to raise them. I think most of us just do the best we can.

Strangely enough, I have been compared to Erma Bombeck! LOL I remember snatching my mother's books (must have been window dressing) and reading them when I was younger. :)

I wish you the very best Michelle. :)
Michele (mom of 6)

You are so right Michele!!!

I wanted to stay at home but wasn't able to. The first 2 years it killed me. Especially returning to work after maternity leave. Now however I am glad things worked out like they did.

As an only child (that's my 'cuse anyway) I crave quiet and alone time. My husband finally figured that out after 5 years of marriage and some threatening! As much as I love the little tyke I don't know if I could be a stay at home mom now.

I always thought it funny the 2 debates between moms. The stay at home/work debate, and the breastfeeding/non breastfeeding debate. I don't know why either should be a bone of contention! They are just different. I breast fed but I also know my son would still grow on formula! LOL!! One thing I try to point out to moms that make issue is how great it is to live in a country where you have a choice! That doesn't mean just the US either. When I think of my life versus say - a mom in the desert of Africa, it puts things into perspective.

Rambling over now!!

:)

Nicole

I think the worst advice comes from many people who never had children but know exactly how they would have raised any. Poo on them! They haven't an inkling.

My mom has a cartoon on her fridge.

It's 2 women sitting at opposite tables in a restaurant.

The mom says, "Thank you for that unsolicited parenting advice! Would you like some advice on how to get rid of those unsightly spider veins?"

LOL!!

Nicole

This is especially for Michelle and other adoptive mothers:

My son was allergic to my breast milk. Don't let anyone tell you it's the best thing for a child. It's not 100% true. Doctors call it the "perfect food" - WRONG! Love and affection is the best food.

So true!!

I remember once when my son was about 6 months old. I drank OJ.

OMGosh you wouldn't believe the poor fellow. Upset his tummy and of course you know where it came out. Burned his butt.

Nicole

I nursed my daughters for awhile, and they were colicy and unhappy until I switched them over to forumula. Then they were happier babies.

When my son was born, I didn't even try nursing him because of the experience with the girls. He's now a 6'2, 215 pound football player and the healthiest of the lot.

I've heard that if a woman really is intent on breast feeding that the gynecologist can provide hormones but don't know how it works or if anyone wants to.

We should have a thread for Motherhood Myths to help Michelle and the others kick butt.

Good idea Pirl! Coco Butter broke me out - getting your nips "ready" was a complete waste of time, and and ... I can think of so many other things I did that were well - just dumb! LOL!!

Nicole

Okay - Motherhood Myths is about to get a thread dedicated to Michelle and all adoptive moms and dads so they'll have ammunition to kick butt as needed.

You ladies crack me up!! I've been so busy today putting our dossier together for the adoption that I haven't been on DG all day. I also have been helping a lady here in Austin with some paperwork stuff b/c her adoption agency isn't quite as good as Great Wall at informing. But I think she is all good now. She and her husband are also having their FBI fingerprinting done in San Antonio on Saturday. Hopefully DH and I will run into them.

As far as my opinion on working or not working when you have the kiddos...obviously if we weren't so blessed with Bryan's good income and how frugile we live, I'd be working as well. It is the ladies that look down on me b/c I have chosen to stay home with our daughter once she is here. Heck, I quit my job last August and planned on obtaining another one but DH was so thrilled with the way I took care of everything and having good meals when he got home, he told me that I didn't have to work even before we get the baby. So I do not know yet whether I will look for a temp job or something until we go get her. DH prefers that I don't but is supportive in whatever I choose to do b/c he is such a great husband.

Being that I'm 41 and have had the big advertising career, I feel like..."been there, done that". I don't have any urge to go back to that crazy life even tho it was a lot of fun too. Vendors taking me out to expensive restaurants and spoiling me...traveling to NYC and other fun places...all good times. But there is a season for all things and since DH does make a good living, I get to choose which is great.

So for me, I feel that I am blessed and privilaged to no longer wear nice clothes or go to expensive restaurants and wield power all day long and raise my baby. Besides, it would seem a bit silly for us to work this hard and spend this much money to get her from China and then leave her with a stranger while I go to work. DH and I both didn't see the logic in that. If DH didn't already make a good living and so I HAD to work to survive, we would not be adopting. Haha, we wouldn't even be able to AFFORD to adopt if that was the case. Ladies, it is mucho expensive. If we had our own baby, DH's great insurance...we'd have paid $250 co-pay and that would be it. It is about $25,000 to adopt from China. I have heard it is even more costly to adopt in the USA, but I do not know that for fact.

As far as breastfeeding...I don't even get to have that choice, so I've seen both ways...my sister said it was a money saver to breast feed as well as a bonding experience with her daughters. But everyone is different and I have heard from most ladies that it is very painful the first couple of weeks.

Bring on the motherhood myths. Y'all are already making me laugh up a storm over here!

Michelle

Michelle-
this is not myth. I stayed home with three. Some days seemed like they would never end, I was SO tired. Sometimes I ached for loneliness, thinking I'd never hang out with a friend without just talking about kids. Lots of times I felt frumpy - you don't wear cashmere while burping a baby. I cried about every 20th time someone said I was so lucky not to have their hotshot career. (after awhile you don't see those folks much anymore)....those days that were so long somehow made up years that went by in a flash. Everyone will tell you, and it'll be hard to believe until it's flown by for you too!
I know I would have regrets if I hadn't spent the time I could ENJOYING them!! There's so much you DON'T have to do!! It doesn't have to be decorated, spotless, weedfree, perfectly dressed, served ontime, whatever. that's what I think many of us learn later rather than sooner. And the things that you were embarrassed about are the funniest stories later! Make sure you put them in the album!

mostly just enjoy. It's the greatest gift you will ever have, in my opinion!
Best Wishes!!
Dorothy

Thanks Dorothy. Very encouraging!!
Michelle

My sister was in her twenties, divorced and had three little girls. She came back to live at my parents house and I was just 19 and still at home. One Saturday, as she was cleaning (part of the deal) one of the girls asked if they could go to the store for gum.

My sister stopped working, grabbed her wallet and the girls, 5 years old and twins 3 years old and off they went for gum. When she came back she said, "They'll never remember I dusted and cleaned but they might remember I took time out to take them to the store for gum".

I never forgot it and never let cleaning or gardening or cooking interfere with my kids lives. If cleaning is THAT important you can clean windows at 5 AM (I did it this week), dust before bed, wash the floor really early or really late. Phyllis Diller said "I cleaned the house once. Three months later I had to do it again". Let it be your guide.

And the "little" things are the ones that get remembered! One day in June a long time ago I didn't feel like making dinner again, and the strawberries were good, so I baked very excellent biscuits and decided we'd have strawberry shortcake for dinner. The kids were so impressed, like,wow, this is totally against the rules....so it became a tradition for once in awhile in June when the strawberries are good! And why not??
We can get WAY too focused on "doing it right"! Just do it with love and a good sense of humor!!

You're a very good person to make such a great dinner. Someone else makes pizzaookie (a pan sized yummy cookie baked in an individual pizza pan) served with ice cream. When I read the post and said we'd like it for dinner she replied that was what they had the night before.

If I had the chance to live my life again I'd do more things with the kids and for them than I did the first time around. More going to the beach for breakfast and more silly things. More things that made them scream with delight or laugh until it hurt.

Yeah, I did the working outside the home too, I loved my job but I love my job now too of staying home with my kids. You get to hear some of the most interesting questions and observations from them and alot of them can remind you of what it was like to be around that age yourself. My favorite question so far is "Mom, when I grow up where will my belly button be?" That was said when my now 15 yo was 4, it took everything I had not to ROFLMAO because she was absolutly serious.
Ive breast fed and formula fed and see how my kids have grown and know that thanks to me they know what its like to just dance around the house as silly as you can to a good song with a broom in your hand and you were a Solid Gold Dancer, LOL.
Oh do I know about those never ending days, good grief I wanted to run screaming donw the street sometimes. I also remember the unsolicited hugs and kisses just because I made tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner but let them eat the ice cream first(three of thier favorite foods).
Oh the memories I hold sad, scary, good, sad, exasperated and bursting with pride. And to think I will never be done getting more memories of these little people who grew up to be taller than me. I sit here by myself and drink my coffee and think what would I do without these wonderful people who reminded me how wonderful it is to sit and watch a butterfly or a grasshopper as they went about thier buisness. Sigh, ok Im done before I start crying now.

I agree Dravencat and no job pays better rewards and retirement benefits, too, in the form of the same kids having their own kids and we can get to spoil them rotten.

One of my own earliest memories was when I told my mother, "Thank you for making me borned". I was about five years old. She asked me to repeat it and I did. She hugged me over and over and cried. I couldn't understand why she cried when I said something nice but I knew they were good tears, not sad tears.

Dravencat - your post just gave me chills...so, so true and profound. I remember Renee asking at age three "Was Jesus still alive when YOU were a little girl?"...my sonStephen remarking on my homemade pizza at age 5 or 6 "Wow, you could get a JOB!!(making pizzas!)".
And I've told them when they wonder what to "BE" when they grow up (the first is off at college now!) that they greatest gift I could wish for them is to have a child who would bring them as much joy as they've brought me.
(Then they roll their eyes, of course, but hey, they're teenagers!!)

Oh, and Pirl~
"If I had the chance to do it again" - isn't that why God made grandchildren???

Oh yes! She lets me spoil her in many ways but now she's 14 and all involved with her friends so I'll be thrilled on the first day of spring when the new grandchild arrives!

Oh yes,
A new one just in the nick of time!!

I've been both a stay-at-home-mom and an I-go-to-work-mom. My plan this time was to go back to work when Jenna started school, that didn't quite work the way I intended, but oh well, lol.

I remember a quote, but I can't remember who said it. "I've yet to hear someone on their deathbed say "I wish I'd spent more time at work"".

Interesting questions? I remember two great ones from my kids, one from each. Nathan was about 6 when he wanted to know how much tornados weighed. I told him it depended on what they had picked up, a tornado with just dirt wouldn't weigh as much as one that has picked up a semi. JennaRose was 3, and I can clearly remember the day. We were sitting on the wooden swing in the backyard at my dad's after dinner watching the bluebirds feeding and a few rabbits running around. She asked "Mom, do bunnies burp?" I told her yes they do and she was fine with that. Then I went inside and died laughing as I tried to tell dh and grandpa.

*still makes me chuckle*

mg

mg
Big smile.
Who would've wanted to miss that??
Now I'll be thinking of burping bunnies all the time!

My husband's oldest was about 5 when she told him that she knew spiders made webs but who were cobs to make cobwebs?

I wondered that too but I was 45! Late bloomer I guess. Does anyone know?

LOL, burping bunnies. OH and great answer on the tornados. Yeah, its amazing what they deem as important and what we deem as important, but those questions were all so important not only to them to know the answer but my gosh, do you ever think youve thought of a question so hard before and then later realize that finding the anser to that was so much easier than finding the answer to "what should I make for dinner". LOL

Many years ago a friend came and picked me and my four year old son up for lunch at her house with her sister. Her sister arrived and asked me, "Do you drive?" and my son, innocently replied, "She drives me crazy".

LOL! Adorable...there really is nothing to compare with their lovely little thought processes!! What an adventure Michelle is about to begin!!

Ohh got to get over there to myths! Been away all weekend.

My mom stayed home with me until Kindergarden. That was my plan as well.. Sigh

Dmcdevitt, I'm already excited about grandbabies and my son's just 3! I see how much my parents love it..

Nicole

Grandmas have it best! Just play and spoil and laugh with no responsibility of bedtimes, earaches, etc. I love it.

That is how I feel about being an aunt. I spoil my nieces completely. My sister is telling me she is going to get me back when DH and I get our baby. haha.