To those with a kid in college-wisdom requested!

Looking for wisdom regarding a situation!

My daughter just completed her 1st year of college and is now home for the summer. We pretty much paid for her 1st year and will probably be able to swing the costs for her 2nd year too despite severe setbacks (job losses) over the last four years.

She is working fulltime at a seasonal job making half way decent money (almost $10/hr) for a temp job.

For some reason she is under the impression that we should give her money to go grocery shopping to buy what she needs to make her lunches. Now, the way we look at it, she's fortunate we aren't charging her a small amount for room & board much less give her an "allowance" to buy food for her lunches.

A couple weeks ago she even asked me if I could give her money for her and her boyfriend to go out to eat.

She's very focused on saving as much money as she can to help with the college costs, but being that she's going to be 20 years old this September, are her father and I expecting too much for her to pay for her own lunches?

We argue about this weekly....I need some unbiased opinions!

Thanks much~

Sandy

Sandy,

Maybe it is a Sandy thing or maybe a daughter thing but. IMHO no I don't think you should pay her lunches and such. It is a lesson in life to learn to budget. I have a DD who tries this every now and then just to see if I have changed my mind (nope still haven't) She needs to learn to budget her money and understand just because she is saving for something very important does not mean that she can borrow from others so she can save all her money. Everyone is saving for something school, retirement, vacation. a new car, etc... etc.. etc...

My mom charged me room and board when I got a job I screemed and hollered how unfair she was to do that but I learned to live on a tight budget if I wanted things in life Many years later i found out she put everything I gave her for room and board in a bank account and gave it to me when we bought our first house.

Best of luck
Sandy

My mum just said it'd be nice if I lived here as long as I want, there's no hurry for me to leave, and no question they'd charge me something for food or whatever, we'd find it a bit odd from parents..

I went for an apprenticeship at 16 and started to earn a small wage and had to pay a percentage of rent which was about a third of my wage. I didn't mind one bit, I took on a 2nd job to pay for night school so I could go on to full time college.

I'm still here, I can live on a tramps shoestring when the need arises (but I don't like to of course), my mother did help out when things were a bit dire financially at full time college (I worked through that too but there were a couple of wobbles with bills and house mates not paying them) but I certainly never expected any extra.

Money management is a valuable lesson we all need to learn, parents can't always cushion the blow!



This message was edited Jul 2, 2005 10:17 PM

Just remembered, before my parents married, my mother was in the armed forces and had to pay her mother rent for her room even though she lived away!

If she's saving the money from her job to pay for schooling costs, I think paying room & board in your home is not fair. Which matters more to you - her buying her own food, or helping fund her education (i.e. her future)?

I lived at home for my four years of undergrad education, and my parents fed me nicely. If I wanted to eat out, I had to use my part-time job earnings. If I wanted anything extra (fancy hair-do, new outfit without a good reason like a holiday, etc), that also came out of my pay. But when it came to the bed I slept in, and the fridge I ate from, my parents supplied. I saved my summer earnings for my textbooks, gas to get to work & classes, etc.

If you're determined to "teach her to grow up", encourage her to move out, even during the summers. If she lives in your house, and you claim her as a dependant on your taxes, she's "dependant", even when school is out of session.

A recent "kid out of college", who will be paying undergrad school loans for the next 15 years,
-Jennifer

hi, seedsower,

My thoughts are along the same lines as Jennifer's.

While DD is living at home and attending full-time college, she should be able to eat from the fridge and sleep for free. It sends a message that you think education is important for her...and first priority. It will pay back many different dividends in the future...

After she has her degree, she can get down to the nitty gritty of truly learning to pay all of her expenses...

That's what we did for our kids and so far it's worked very well...

Good luck. There are no easy answers to this one, though, and every child is different...no doubt about it! :-) Good luck

I'm glad so many parents can afford to give their kids free bed and board until they get a full time job. It can't be easy asking your child for a little towards the housekeeping but the main question here seems to be should parents also foot bills for nights out and free lunches, life ain't full of free lunches.

As I read your question, you were not asking about charging her room and board, but if you should pay for her lunches and "extras".

Absolutely not! I allow mine to take leftovers for lunches, if they want, but if they think they need "store bought sandwich" stuff, or fast food, it's on them.

Yes, she is saving her $10 per hour for college. But, what is it going to be used for? Are you going to determine that? If she saves $3000 over the course of the summer, is it going to pay tuition or books? Or are those "your" expenses, and that is going to be her college fund for spending money?

As a suggestion, I would present her with a budget. YOURS. There is going to be XXX amount of dollars in the budget for darling daughter for the next year. Period. You plan to use that money for tuition or books or whatever. If you were to give her the money she is asking for, there won't be enough for books. Ask her how she plans to solve that?

Not talking through my hat here, I have 3 daughters, all of whom have tried various things at various times. About the time they decide they are adults and can make their own decisions, I decided they needed to know just how hard some of the decisions could be. We do help them. They still come home for car work, but we don't buy the parts. The youngest lives at home with baby and fiance who is in school. Although I pick up baby stuff occasionally when I want to, they pay for all diapers, gasoline, their own expenses, AND a contribution for room and board. Out of minimum wage jobs. They are learning to budget with our home as their "golden parachute". It isn't a bad lesson to learn young.

Sandy,
She is still a kid and has little clue about money still, which is unfortunate. She wants to spend Mom's money and save hers for the "important" stuff (college). Well, Mom and Dad have to pay for lots of important stuff too (taxes, mortgage/rent, food, utilities, phone, cable, car, gas, insurance, etc..).

She is your dependant, but that does not mean she has to act dependant on you. She needs to be as independent as possible.

You could compromise and make planned (left)overs for her to take, if there is a microwave at work or supply her with PBJ's and fresh veggies. She can drink ice water. If she wants to go out and eat w/ her bf, THEY need to pay.

You are also trying to put away some money for her, so she needs to choose... Education or fritter it away? Doesn't matter whose pocket it is coming out of. Perhaps if you explain that the money you give her now will mean less you can afford to pay towards her education, leaving her that much more in debt that she must pay.

How much of her money is she actually putting away? Unless it is 100%, there is room for her to save more. Who is paying her insurance and car pymts?

My own DDs (19 + 7) know they can live here as long as they want. When they start working outside the home (older watches younger now), I am taking 1/3-1/2 their paycheck for "rent" to put into the bank towards their first house also. Plus they will have to pay for their own car and insurance. Money doesn't grow on trees!

Others may think I should pay for their college, but it is hard enough for me to pay for my own. I am a single mother and do the best I can for them. I had to pay for my own way in life, own car and insurance, college, wedding, etc... In fact, finally finished my BS in HR in 2003 and hopefully going back to work on my MBA in the fall.

I'm 49 and the only way I can retire is to get the MBA, then get a better job. Otherwise, I'll have to work till I'm 70+. It didn't hurt me one bit to pay my own way through life and won't hurt my girls either. Makes you appreciate what you have! Builds character and responsibility. If not now, when? ~ Suzi :)
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Suzi...I appreciate your viewpoint! I was raised in the way that if you want to go to college you pay for it yourself. We always intended to help our daughters with college as much as we could (the oldest decided not to go), but we didn't plan on job losses and 50% paycuts when we reached our mid 40's. I doubt we will ever be able to retire. Stretching ourselves so we can eliminate at least two years of debt for her to me, is an extreme generousity and I am dumbfounded that she wants me to give her lunch money as if she were in high school. Even though she has put away some money for college since she was 16, we haven't asked her to use ANY of it for these first two years. So, buying her own lunches during her summer job is more than fair from my perspective. I am thrilled to have her home for the summer...both my daughters (and grandbaby who lived with us her 1st year of life) all left home within three months of each other and it was devastating for me. I just think she should buy her own lunches....she's less likely to spend the $$ on junk lunches if its coming out of her own pocket. I appreciate everyones opinions here....it seems like a 50/50 split almost as to who should pay!

Thanks, I appreciate the interesting viewpoints~

Sandy

Sandy,

I agree wholeheartedly with Terre:

Money is like time, once spent, it cannot be regained. Which is more important to her?! Wasting money on going out and expensive lunches/extras OR college??

IF I had the ability to pay for it, I think it would be nice to pay for the college so they don't graduate with a ton of debt. And, IF I did, I would fully expect them to go to Community as long as they could, to keep the expenses low, living at home in the interim. Unless, for their degree, and there are a few, it was almost a necessity to go elsewhere.

My boss is paying all 4 yrs for his kids. He makes almost 3 times what I do though. IF you aren't making as much as before, when you were planning to help her, then, even though you planned to help her, it cannot be helped.

I work for the fed govt and make the least in my workplace of 65. No, it doesn't seem fair, but most are trade people, like welders, electricians and an engineer. WHEN I get my MBA, I will be certain to get a much better position, probably for a dif branch though.

MAYBE I will be in a better position to help my younger dau by the time she is ready for school, don't know. Also have to pay off a 30-yr mortgage that I just got 3 yrs ago and student loans. I would like to retire by 62. ~ Suzi :)

I had to pay every penny of my own college education. Had to take out my own loans and worked every minute I could. I was so jealous of my roommates who had parents that paid for their education. I vowed that I wouldn't make my kids foot the whole bill, so we agreed to pay half - they had to come up with the other half. If they got decent grades, I would pick up the whole book bill for the next semester.

First son started college, then stayed in bed and wouldn't go - $$ down the drain on that one. Second one went away to college and got a 2 yr degree. We kept our bargain on the second son. Both sons now have good jobs. The oldest son is now getting married and told us that since he didn't use the college $$ (he ended up going, but his employer paid), he thought he should be reimbursed for the $$ he saved us!! LOL can you believe it!! He was serious too!! Fat chance of that!!! I spent the $$ going to doctors because he was such a nightmare to raise!!

I am unsure what is the 'correct' thing to do... Each kid is so different. Some need the 'hard nose' approach and others need more help.

I would probably stock the frig with lunch stuff and tell her that you are just unable to buy lunches out. I'd help with college as much as I could, but not with the other stuff - that's frills and she can work to cover it!! It's easier to say with my kids grown!! Good luck, (I do believe a college education is invaluable tho...)

Since she is still somewhat dependent on you, I think it would not be indulgent if you provided basic food for for her lunches, but nothing fancy. I am assuming that she will need all of the money she is making now for college next year, so it's kinda either buy her food now or send her money for food during the spring semester. I think some also depends on her attitude. Is she trying to be practical or is she just gimme gimme all of the time? Regardless, you shouldn't be paying for her entertainment or luxuries, however.

(BTW, I have no kids, so what do I know.)

Just saw this and had to chime in - I just got out of college fours years back. Worked and took out student loans to cover all my costs, my parents bought my books. I worked full time all summer and half all school year. It was hard at first and yea I made some bad choices about what I spent my hard earned dollars on but I learned about budgets and money and how to make it last. When I went out I had to make sure I could - not to mention being the guy I always paid so had to keep my social life in check to.
Help her cover the big things but dont forget to let her learn the value of work and covering her own fun.

I am also a fairly recent graduate (and now a student once again in a Master's program). My parents agreed to help as much as they could until I got married, which I did half way through college. I'll be paying student loans for quite some time, too. I think that "as much as they could" was a key here: my parents did share with me what they were able to pay. That was understood upfront, and it made me SO thankful to realize what a sacrifice my parents were making for me. My education will always be very highly valued, partly because I realize how much my parents valued it.

About the lunches, I agree with Kelli above-- it seems reasonable to allow her to make a lunch from what's on hand at home, and maybe even request an indredient at the grocery store to ensure that there's something healthy and handy to take. But I certainly don't think you should feel obligated to give her money to go out to lunch. That is an extra that she can live without. Help her to understand that if she chooses to spend her own money on fancy lunches now, she will be paying more in student loans later. That could really make a difference in the long run: not only does going out to lunch really add up, but if you're paying extra in student loans, you'll be paying interest, too, and rates are rising.

Thanks for everyone's input! Just to make things a little clearer....DD doesn't have the option of going out for lunch since she only gets a 20 minute break during her 8 hr day and she's not allowed to leave the grounds....so she's not really planning for fancy or fast food lunches. She wanted me to buy lunchables and lunchmeats....which I finally did give in and buy about $15 worth of lunchmeat, only to throw it away a couple weeks later because she didn't touch it. I later told her that I had to throw it all away and asked why she didn't use it for her lunches. She told me she was "tired" of sandwiches and didn't want to eat it. I bet she wouldn't have been tired of sandwiches if it was her $15! Her tune has changed a little bit since she now wants to go to Europe over winter break. $$ she could be putting towards tuition she now wants to spend on an overseas trip/riverboat cruise, so all of a sudden she's started spending some of her own $$ to buy some groceries. Funny how attitudes change when you want something!

Sandy

Sandy,

My daughter is also 20, living at home, and just finished her first year of college. She works for our family business, but her contribution to the company is mostly taking care of the house while I do office work (her choice.) Since it is a family business, she has a lot of flexible time. In addition to college and working for us she carries a heavy load of volunteering with the youth in our community (sometimes 35 hours each week.) She is welcomed to anything in the fridge for lunch, and if she does ask for lunch money she'll ask for $2. Sometimes I get the impression she thinks we have unlimited funds, but I have found when I share our financial situation with her it helps tremendously. (I'm happy to say she made the Dean's List - High Honors.)

My son is 24 and struggles with finances due to learning disabilities. He also lives at home, and asks for help managing his money. He elected not to go to college, and had worked and saved 50% of his income for three. (This was our agreement to his not having to pay room and board.) When my husband and I wanted to buy a house a few years ago the monthly payments were more than we could handle at the time. He offered to pay room and board so we could afford the monthly payments.

I really think you just need to share with her your financial situation and what you can pay for her.

Jody

This message was edited Jul 25, 2005 4:01 PM

Well, I'm going to throw in my 2 cents and embarass myself, but I'm older and wiser now. My parents were able to pay for most of my college and I am very greatful for that. When I took some time off from school and lived at home with a job, Mom and Dad wanted me to contribute to the household, ie pay room and board. Boy did I get upset! What do you mean I have to PAY to live here? I grew up here, it's my house too! and so on.

I'm 31 now, have my degree, have a good job, have a house and a husband. I want to say that my parents were right on target. I owe them a lot for giving me a good upbringing and a great education and a few hard lessons! Asking me to contribute was the right thing to do.

I learned that we were a family and we have to work together on things. I did not "deserve" anything I got, I was fortunate to be as well off as we were, and I better expect to work and earn anything extra.

If the daughter can "afford" to go to Europe, that's great. I wouldn't let her go at the expense of her education. No vacation is worth that. I sure wouldn't be buying her lunches so she can save for Europe! Can she take food that is in the house? Sure. Can she get by just fine on peanut butter sandwiches? Sure. Should she contribute to the household bills? Depends on your individual situation. Will she like it? Probably not, but I bet she will thank you for it down the road.

And, in case anybody is wondering, YES I have told my parents all this and YES I have thanked them in person and told them how much I appreciate them and everything they did for me growing up. I continue to be thankful that I have a great family who loves me and I make sure to tell them that regularly. Tell your kids/mom/dad/husband/aunt/uncle/grandma/whoever is important in your life that you love them. It is important to hear it now and then, even if they "know" you love them already. Do it while you have the chance, because you may not always be able to. You may regret not saying it, but you will NEVER regret that you DID say it!

So, my 2 cents, as "old and wise" at 31! LOL, and thanks for listening.