Advice on life...

So my boyfriend Andy and I have been together for about 3 years now. For the last three months I have been thinking that we are going in seperate directions. He wants to move south, I love my 4 seasons here in the Finger Lakes, we have two dogs a great apartment and truly a wonderful life together. However we are thinking VERY different things for the rest of our lives. How much weight can you put on the subjects of moving, marriage, kids, bussineses, family/friends, until finally the bow breaks? How do you make a decision like this to end something gracefully that sometimes you don't want to end? Is it a phase? Has anyone else spent time with someone and then all of a sudden ended it because you didn't know what was going to happen in the future? It scares me that I'm putting all this time and effort into something that will never be what I dream my life could be. I've talked to close friends but they're all mutual to both of us and offer bland advice. It's a tough call... anyone? Thanks, Meredith

It sounds like the two of you need to sit down and do some serious talking about where your relationship is heading. If the location of your home is important enough for either of you to abandon the relationship then you have not established a lasting and enduring bond and staying together is delaying the inevitable.

Discuss your options. Is there a compromise that would allow both of you to be happy? Do you see yourselves together when your hair is gray and your health is failing? Are there family considerations to be made? Such as a need to be near aging parents?

Is your relationship strong enough in all other respects to withstand the descision to go or to stay? Only you and he know the answers and it will take deep soul searching on both of your parts to arrive at the truth. If one of you decides to move or stay in order to make the other happy, can that person then decide that with their choice they are going to also decide to be happy about it and never allow themself to be resentful?

Any descision that is made and then is resented will destroy a relationship as surely as seperation in miles. So, if you decide to go, then also decide to be happy! And the same applies to him if he decides to stay. And yes, being happy in our decisions is a choice!

OK, off the lecture box for me ;~) Good luck in what ever decisions you come to.

Thanks, we've discussed it thouroghly, I am glad that we can handle it gracefully. The problem is in the decision. How do I know that we couldn't be happy the rest of lives together???? Who ever knows what the future brings, do you throw it all away b/c you don't know. Or do you have faith and possibly have to do this another three years down the road? Am I just young and incapable of making the harder decisions in life, or do I need to just chill out about it?? Lots of unknowns, very difficult decisions. Mere

Good thoughts Zany, on a very vexing question. It appears to me that relationships are frequently ended or continued by spur of the moment actions. If a person can give up their position in favor of the other without any hesitation or remorse, doing so simply out of consideration of the other then perhaps the relationship has a good chance of survival. Though it may sound crass, there are so many people yet to be met that the thought of "the only one for me' is a little hard to understand. Love finds a way, be it with Andy or someone else. Your life may never be what you dream it could be. Life,fate or circumstances, whatever you wish to call it, have a habit of interfering with the best ordered plans. Take your best shot Meredith, there's a lot of road in front of you. Be good to yourself, you deserve it.

Thank you both so much. I guess we have to make a decision and go with it. Hopefully still retaining a plutonic relationship that can be as honest and forthright as our existing one... living for myself, although seemingly selfish at times may be my best bet. I know what I want out of life and hopefully I can grasp it. I would definetly rather have someone standing beside me, then scowling in the backround because of a sacrifice he had to make. Or vice-versa. Thanks a lot, I appreciate it, it's always easier to get an outside opinion (especially one that doesn't cost $90. and hour) ;) Mere

There are no guarantees of living "Happily ever after" outside of fairy tales. Could you live your lives together "until death do you part" in realative happiness? Only if you are both willing to work WORK WORK at it. Without that commitment and a willingness to compromise without resentment can any relationship hope to survive.

It sounds like you already have decided that this relationship is not one for a lifetime. Breaking up is hard but if the committment is not there for both of you it is better to find it out now so that you may both seek happiness.

I heard it said once that a successful marriage is 75% / 75% not 50/50. With each partner being willing to give in to the other 75% of the time.

Have you considered pre-marriage counseling? Many churches offer it these days - right down to a questionnaire to help you identify possible red flags. My husband and I did it and it helped us understand a lot about how we were brought up and how that can affect the decisions we make (especially regarding children).

I personally think marriage is a 100% / 100% commitment. You do your best to give your best every single day. It's not always easy and it doesn't always happen, but it's what you strive for. Communication is the most important aspect of any in a marriage. Without it, nothing else makes sense.

Good luck and I'll say a prayer for you.

I do not hear anything here about the relationship either of you have with JESUS or praying for HIS plans for your lives. I can tell you from experience that without JESUS as the center of your relaionship and household you are in for serious troubles and probable ending of the relationship.

Every parent must be committed not only to their children while they are young but also the lifelong relationship you need to have with them. This does not mean they have the right to rule you life, break your heart with refusals to get along with your choice of companions/mates, or where you will live. However the nonparent in a partnership must accept these children as much as his/her own and give them the same respect and considerations that he/she wants from them. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER enter into a relationship with someone who does not expect to have a good and loving relationship with your children and vice versa.

Same for family and extended family members. Expect to love them and be loved by them or at least make the best effort you can to be good friends.

Goals and dreams in life can and do change. Sometimes they are not realistic, sometimes they are something left over from childhood that we need to think thru carefully to see if we should actually base relationships on attaining or giving up on them.

Most of all, pray fervently and earnestly and see how GOD guides you. He may use other people, dreams, radio and TV programss, etc. Don't make hasty decisions if it can be avoided. And don't let yourself be pressured into decisions that go against everything you feel and believe in.

May GOD guide you both in the paths you choose. Most of all, may you draw closer to HIM thru this life experience.

Ok, I would like to thank all of you for giving me a little insight into dealing with this topic. We talked all day today and we came to an understanding...
Andy and I have been together for a long time. We both love eachother very much. I cannot, however, see him shoveling manure into a compost pile, nor can I see myself going on tour with a band. We are different people that somehow found eachother at the right time. We have learned a lot from eachother, which I think is the most important aspect of why we can bow out so gracefully. He now communicates better than he ever has. I have learned that this "growing plants thing" that I love so much can become a lucritive and enjoyable part of my life. We both are ok with this which also makes it easier, and we are destined to be great friends for the rest of our lives, or the forseeable future anyway. It is heartbreaking but also great because I have found a friend for life, someone who has taught me so much and I in return have helped him to realize that he can be loved and cared for and also, that when you talk to women.... they generally talk back, and tend not to cheat on you if you're with the right one. It's a good thing that I believe in my heart can only get better, only, in a different way. So again, I say thank you to all. I appreciate your honesty and to Dave an the crew... thank god you have made this place where I can vent, rant, learn, and grow... with all of these wonderful people who can talk about brug propagation and relationships all in the same day! Love it!!!! Smiling away, and keeping an open mind and a heavy(yet repairable) heart. Meredith

Meredith,

What a wonderfully worded statement and clearly from your heart. I'm astonished by your grace and maturity in handling a truly difficult situation. I would not have coped nearly so well. Having a friend for life is one of the most rewarding things that could happen to a person. You will cherish every memory with Andy. I know that one day you'll both look back on this decision and nod your heads up and down and smile, just a little, at what God chose to do in your lives in the intervening years.

Life is full of choices and some of them, like this one, aren't easy to make. You learn and grow and become a little stronger with each decision. I think you are both very wise and will have extraordinary lives.

God bless you.

Mere, As someone who has only come to understand marriage late in life (wish I had been much smarter much younger), I have to say that even good marriages are hard work. I think that everyone should try to find a love that they can't live without, and not settle for a love they can live with. The right kind of love can survive even during the toughest of times and required sacrifices. You deserve that kind of a love!!

Best wishes to both of you as you go your seperate journeys through life. Good friends are more prescious than gold so take joy in the friendship even when seperated by miles.

Mere ...
There are three C's that are of most importance .. in this .. and/or in any other relationships that will inevitably follow
each of you. Others here, have tagged a couple of them already.

They are Communication, Compassion, and Compromise ...

Oftentimes, the compromise .. is truly the toughest ...

And sometimes, one of (us) feels that (we) seem to do it more than the other ...

Sadly, our pride has a way of backin' us right upside the wall .. and we neither give in, nor give up .. just give way .. to
the idea - that it is 'fate'. The evils in this world come in many a shape, size, color and form ... So, I urge the two of
you, to refrain from any hasty decisions and earnestly try, to prevent ones' pride blinding either of you.

Some times we just out right refuse to see the forest for the trees .. when all one needs .. is to take a view from a wee
bit different perspective ..

Truly, best wishes to you, Meredith .. in whatever Gods' plans may be for each of your lives - be it together or apart.

This message was edited Aug 17, 2004 10:34 PM