Do you mind if we come by for a swim?

I have a situation coming on as it warms up.
We put in a pool 2 years ago, and we spend every weekend in the yard with gardening/home projects or enjoying and cleaning our backyard pool/patio.
Here's my dilemma: My 12yr son invites his buddy to our house to swim. Within 15 minutes of them getting into the pool, the boys mother, little brothers and older brother come by in their swimsuits complete with towels and toys. She asks: Do you mind if we come by for a swim????? I don't have the heart to say no-since the 4year old already has his swimmies on. So for the next 3-4 hours on Saturday, I serve refreshments and make small talk. How can I tactfully avoid having a community swimming pool?

Tell her that your insurance wont allow more than one "non family" member at a time in the pool area?
Seems pretty tacky to me that she shows up uninvited, i'm wondering if maybe your son hasnt extended the invitation to the family as well?

Maybe you can take this opportunity to leave the house to shop and run errands. Just tell the other mom "Since you're here, would you mind watching the kids while I'm gone?" If she doesn't like being used as a babysitter, she may not come over so often.

I had to tell everyone that weekends were our family time in the pool. The only time dad has off!!!!!!
I also added we will call you during the week if we are going to "open" the pool!

People just show up if its HOT!
good luck

That's what I would say, too, Dori, that this is Family Time (and you could add that each offspring is allowed to invite one friend over).

Good idea about offering the use of the pool at some other time in the future, too.

I'd do something like MSJen and make up a "white lie". Although if that doesn't work I'd get tough and just tell it like it is......

Its our pool, we paid for it, we maintain it and we'll let you know if we want to spend the day in it with you.

Then again, I'm known for my sarcastic nature. LOL!

Brenda

I'd just be honest. I know it stinks and nobody likes to be mean. I'd just tell her weekends are your time to get work done together and it is not the best time for company. Let her know the boys can take care of themselves but you can't in good conscience leave a whole family in your pool, unattended. Honestly it's pretty rude of a whole family to show up uninvited like that. Gee!

Then, hang a sign on the gate charging $5/person a day. You might as well get some plants out of it! LOL

Thanks for the ideas. It would be much easier to tell her that weekends are family time if she didn't just show up. I recently had the neighbor on the other side of me offer to pay me monthly to use our pool. She said, "really I'll pay you, because it is such a pain to load up and go into the city". The other Mom asked to use the pool during the day, while I'm at work. I did tell her our dog (Rottweiller) uses the doggie door and she isn't too friendly when people just drop in. So that wouldn't be a good idea. Nervey, they are.

These are the same neighbors that never invite us over for the Christmas Holidays or a winter evening....or a summer BBQ.

My DH is now building a pergola to put over the 2 patio tables and the plans show a curtain can be installed along the backside of it--the side facing the neighbors. I'm going to be pricing material soon. It's going to be a long summer!!!

Good luck to you in whatever you decide. Personally, i wouldnt mind "hurting the feelings" of people that didnt have my feelings in mind. I'm sure they also wouldnt hesitate to ask for your insurance policy information should somebody get hurt.
Would your DH take the fall for it? Tell "the mom" the next time she comes over that its causing problems with DH and if would just be better if she waited until the next "neighborhood party"..
I know i get to blame alot on my DH, lol...
Hard call
Jen

The next time they come over, welcome them. Towards the end of their visit, tell the wife directly ... "Listen, we love having you over, but it's just not convenient everytime you want to swim. Call us first, and we'll let you know when it works for us. We just don't have the time to entertain every weekend, and we feel obligated to entertain everytime you come over."

Kill her with kindness, then if she walks up next time dressed to swim, tell her, "no, we asked you to call first. today isn't a good time for everyone to come swimming." When she does call, and you don't want her there, tell her your busy with house chores, and can't watch everybody. Include the insurance thing if you want, but I say just confront her and ask her to call first.

You know, I was raised to be polite and never intentionally hurt anyones feelings. But sometimes it is lonely in that "polite" place. Now that I am older, I can look back & see how much people used me because they knew they could get away with it. It sounds like that is what is happening to you. Sad to say, but having good manners makes you a target. You need to nip it in the bud now. I can tell you from experience that it usually only takes once. Make sure that your son is not telling them that it is ok, and then put your foot down. Next time she comes to the door and asks if you mind if they come swim, say yes, you do mind. The invitation was for her son. Then when she storms off, go in the bathroom & throw up, get your knees to stop shaking, and about a week later you will be glad you stood up for yourself. LOL Honesty may not be the easiest, but ultimately it is the best.
Donna

Donna, I love you! You are as bad as me! LOL

Next time she show up, tell her that this is "swim naked" day, and would she like to join you? LOL.

(but that might turn our REALLY badly if she takes you up on it).

I think I would consider not having any type of a gate in the backyard at all, so that the only way anyone can get to the pool is through the house. If the mom rings the doorbell, just don't answer the door. Privacy fence with a gate a long way away from where you'll be able to hear and a lock would do the trick too!


I can't believe how rude people are! Use your pool while you're not at home?? Because the city is so far? Tell them to start a savings account and put in their own pool.

I used to call my own brothers before I would take the kids to their pool, I NEVER ever assumed it was ok to go and invite myself, even though they told me to come whenever!

My one brother always had people dropping in, he was more concerned with the cost of refreshments than the amount of people who just showed up unannounced. He had converted part of his garage into a changing area, and kept a fridge with pop and a small fridge he had converted to hold a keg of beer. He partitioned off another section of the garage,right beside the changing closet, put the fridge and the beer fridge in it, put a door on it and locked it. Then he went to an auction and found a pop machine, put that where the fridge used to be, and charged everyone 50 cents for pop and beer. (it worked) LOL whenever he had parties he of course opened up the door to the "free stuff"

Explain to these people that maintaining a pool isn't cheap either, and when there are more people in the pool it cost you more in chemicals... besides the "emotional" toll it's taking on you!

We've not had any major problems, the kids always have their friends here, but, I really don't care about that. I guess it's just another advantage to living way out in the country... most people are closer to a public pool than they are to us!

Whatever you decide to do, you HAVE to do something... this is ridiculous! I'd imagine just from the sounds of it, the direct approach is going to be about the only way to go. Be prepared for the son not to be allowed to come swim after you tell the mom she's not welcome at her convenience... wow... I'm still just amazed at the forwardness of these people!

I can let you borrow my rottie Justice, that way there are two of them running around, plus he would love to have a playmate his size. LOL
I send him over to the MILs when he needs some extra rough play time as she has a big dog and they get along great.

Been there - done that too! Put in a pool when the kids were 5 and 4. Had a steady stream of neighborhood visitors for years. Rules were: no one in the pool before 10am. Anyone was welcome - just had to bring an adult to watch. That cut down on a bunch of visitors!! Our neighbors were wonderful - most always called and asked. For years I spent hours by the pool - bad for the skin now that I think of it. I was kind of a doormat too - afraid to hurt feelings, so I never said anything. (still have that problem!) Once in a while I didn't go by the pool and let the adults/kids swim. They left quickly!! Did get tired of providing treats, but most brought their own after awhile!! Good luck - touchy situation.

just remember you are liable for any accidents that happen on your property. THEY WILL SUE!!! so you are not being rude if you say no you are protecting your home and family. put a lock on your gate because if they come in without your knowledge you are still liable. if your dog happens to nip someone that dog will be taken away from you and you are still liable.

Buy a "swim flag" tell everyone when you raise the flag, that means, come on over. When the flag is down, it is FAMILY TIME ONLY

I have another idea for you. Show up at their house every week with forks and napkins in your hands and ask them if they mind if you have dinner. ;)

typo ;)

This message was edited May 26, 2004 8:11 PM

ROFLMAO Chele, I think I like that one best of all.

When dealing with people like this, you can't be nice, and it's perfectly okay not to be nice. If your looking for a perfect answer, well there isn't any. The way you feel about your pool is the same way I feel about my tools. Some people, but not all don't care how they take care of them. It's not their property and so they don't care what happens to it.

My response to your situation: I'm sorry but the answer is NO!! If they should get upset, they will have to learn to live with disappointment

Lots of great suggestions. I wouldn't have a problem telling her no, but she shows up with the little ones while her 11yr old is already swimming with my boy. She tells me how the little ones started crying when they found out Jimmy was going swimming.....
I"ll just have to say "not today" and that swim time was only a half hour today. *I'm sure she will say she can stay and watch the kids, to go ahead and go grocery shopping or whatever. I'll just have to be stern or start charging a fee. Can't wait for the next sunny weekend.....
**I'll keep that fork and napkin ready for the next time my son asks to eat pizza over there.. :-) Thanks.

The little ones may as will learn now that they cannot do whatever the older one does. She should have taught them that so it is not your fault. the older one (and your son) need to start asking the mom privately if he can swim rather than making an announcement that he has been invited. Take a deep breath and say no. I had a neighbor in the back that would have her son ask to come over and them send all her kids and race out the door before they got to my house. I had more than a few choice words to say about that. I am sure that if one of those kids had gotten hurt that she would have taken my house. They were never invited back. Too risky.

It's sad we have come to this. Someone suing you because they chose to come onto your property and then got hurt. Very wrong. I wish people would take responsibility for their own actions. You know what makes me mad? If someone trespasses on my land and my dog bites them- they can put my dog to sleep. :(
I think you should just come out and tell her that though you enjoy her company, you really have alot to do that can't be done with company.- If an adult doesnt get the message, then they are acting as a child and should be treated as one.
There's always that one not so simple word. "No." If she starts acting childishly,lol.
Then again, I'm a pushover too- I hardly ever say no! LOL.

Make a point. Ask them to sign a waiver first and maybe she'll get the drift.

Or have your son stop inviting his friend over for a while (just a while), that may prevent the family from just showing up. They might think twice if your son's friend hasn't been invited.

It is not mean to say no or assert yourself. For some reason we often think that saying no is rude. But the truth is it is rude to take advantage of people. If this happens again simply tell her the truth. That you are busy and it is not a good time for you. Then excuse yourself and return to your day without feeling guilty or put upon. It takes practice but with a pool in the back yard you will no doubt become a pro in no time at all.

I wish our neighbors took some of these suggestions...their pool is a *public* pool all summer. They like it that way tho' but the neighborhood has found 30 years of parties, noise, and large crowds somewhat tiresome. Their attitude is they heat it so it should be used. I don't mind the small groups but hearing kids yell, mothers yell, etc. really wrecks *our* time in the yard. I won't even mention the stereo that goes all day.

Rest assured we are getting a pool and I have already informed everyone i know that it is not an open invitation to come swim, but that I am not being mean but Our hard earned money is paying for it and if they want to swim then they should save up their hard earned money and do with out things like we did to afford one. also I am not going to be responsible for a drowned child . I am such a meanie but in this world i don't need any one but my husband and God I don't need friends like that and if they want to Get huffy fine.