"Not invited"?

How do I go about tactfully having a party and leave one particular person off the invite list?

Here's the scenario - A girl from work and I are thinking about having a "Cookie party". Everybody bakes or buys and then brings their favorite cookie. After some snacks, and goofy games, everyone loads up a bag or container of their choice full of each other's cookies. We all return home with 6-10 of each person's cookie, full stomachs, and a fun time had by all. I attended one of these two Christmas seasons ago, and took mental notes of what works, and what doesn't.

An engineer co-worker and I are considering having a party like this. However, a girl that works in her department seems to cause trouble. I have only dealt with her once, and found her cold, but not mean. I am in the minority. Apparently many others do find her mean and verbally-ugly, saying whatever she thinks, whether it's hurtful or not. Previous parties have proven if this girl's invited, at least 3-4 other ladies don't attend, fearing she'll be there.

So how do my friend and I arrange the invitations, hand them out, and make our plans, leaving out this girl? I know that's cold, but a party with only three people wouldn't be much fun.

Thanks,
-Jennifer

PS A similar problem could erupt from somebody I work with, but a simple solution is to just flat not invite her. The person I work directly with is nosey, rude, and seems to offend just about everyone. I plan to just not invite her, and leave well-enough go at that.

Can you invite by email? If you devised an invitation, and emailed it to whomever is wanted, everyone would see the list of invitees in the "To:" column and the ones who wouldn't come if "SHE" does, could see that she is not invited.

Your worse scenario is once everyone starts discussing it in the office and she finds out about it. Best to have a good line thought up so that when she asks if she may attend, you can refuse without causing problems.

Private Invitation Only! And if something is said you only have enough room for so many ladies. That "she" will be invited the next time around.

BTW, Can I come? **giggle**

That "line" is what I am trying to plan for. I could see folks talking, and saying, "hey, are you going to Jennifer & ""'s party?" ... "what cookies are you taking to the party?" .. that sort of thing.

Since I am just starting to have some success making friends here, I'm very afraid to hurt anyone's feelings. My problem is if I include one person, I could alienate many...

Send the invites via- snail mail. On the bottom write... "Please be descreat about discussion... (don't feel like you have to justify at this point)... in the workplace. This is not a work related event." My cousin wanted to invite the whole fam to her wedding but felt that the land dispute going on at the time would take away from her day. So she sent out all of the invites with a small explanation type, to the point, suggestion for attitude adjustment for her wedding day. You'll find that your work friends will get the point very quickly. I know my family did! And some of them thought it was rude and didn't show but that's the price you pay. You're inviting people into your home... make sure you're ok with your decision and just go with it. It's your perogative girl!

What a sticky situation; what a shame it has to be that way. I sure feel for you!

Snail-mail isn't an option - I don't know anybody else's home address. I also don't want to go snooping into secretaries' files to find addresses.

So far, email sounds like the only safe solution. I have asked the other co-host's opinion on how to not invite this person. Her response is she's willing to not include others from her group to leave this person out. :( That's how ugly it is in their dept, I guess.

It's still up in the air how we're going to work this, but I do think we're going to have the party.

Everybody bake your favorite cookie, and c'mon down late May some evening, and we'll exchange our cookies and recipes.

;)
-Jennifer

You poor thing. It's so hard to please everyone sometimes. Good luck hon, Meredith

I had the same type of situation for my 50th wedding anniversary party at my home. I didn't have room for the whole world in my home as it isn't large. I just called the invited folks and told them the situation and told them to please not talk about the party to anyone. As far as I know, no one got their feelings hurt. If they did, I have never heard about it and that party was in August of last year. Situations like mine could be remedied by having parties in some large place but that isn't what I wanted. No way could I have ever invited everyone that we know to our home. Decisions like that are difficult to make but just make the decision and then be ready to live with the consequences. So goes life.........

That is too bad, especially since this lady's not done anything to you personally. It really puts a damper on things when office politics are so strong, but like Ellen said, so goes life; it's never just easy, is it?

AngelSong, I am going to have to go against the flow here...

You already acknowledge that it may seem 'cold' to exclude this girl, and also mention that you only know firsthand of her from one experience that she was 'cold but not mean'.

I say, invite her, and let the chocolate chips fall where they may. Maybe she needs someone to reach out to her... And after all is said and done, the ones playing office politics may be the last ones you really want as friends anyway, and she may prove to be a nice person who does not play their games.

My guess is that you already know what is 'right' when you asked the question...as you seem to feel badly. So, invite them all, and refuse to be involved in the whole issue.

If only a few people come, maybe you will develop one or two good friendships from that.


Now, my question is this: to avoid bad feelings, does each person who comes get an equal share of each person's cookies?

Hugs,

John

I agree with John.

ln my heart, l do, too. l've been remembering times l was an outcast and how that stung. Our 5-year HS reunion, for instance. l heard about it after the fact from someone who'd been invited. l was at the same address as l'd been at all during HS....No one bothered contacting the kids who weren't popular in school. lt was a small class and very clique-y (sp?).

l know you don't want to hurt anyone, Jenn, and you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Thing is, the world often goes by majority rule or popularity, but no one should be voted out before she even has a chance, you know?

Why not hold off on the party and get to know this woman a little better?



This message was edited Apr 7, 2004 6:54 AM

Before I'm black-balled as being mean, the "ladies playing office politics" include one of my closest friends in Greenville. My friend Carol's husband works in the same department as all of these people. I have been told, and witnessed, some of the nasty things that have been said to Carol. They are heartless, cruel, nasty things. Carol recently had a baby, and will need the break from home just in time for this party. Carol made it *very* clear over the weekend she will not attend if this person attends. I want Carol there - she is my friend, and I want her to stay that way. Carol's issues with this person are the same as with others.

When I first came to this company, my boss made a special attempt to help me make friends here. He introduced me to this exact person, and asked her to "help me feel at home". Well, she rushed through a 20 minute tour of her group's lab space, made it pretty clear through her tone of voice and attitude that she wanted nothing to do with me, and so I went on my way. From that day, all she ever discusses with me is business, business, business. She never says hello to me in the hallway, even though I speak to her. As I said in the beginning, towards me, she's cold, and uninterested. Apparently to others who have reached farther and tried harder, she can be rude. She has passed judgement on at least one person, stereotyping their family values based on the vehicle they used to drive, claiming "they must not care about their child to be carting them around in that type of vehicle". Does that sound nasty, or what?

That's not someone I want in my home. John, yeah, I understand that I'm making some judgement calls here. And yes, I feel like I'm stooping to her level by trying to not include her. But the fact that I'm finding making friends here difficult leaves me with this problem: "If I include this one person that I know nobody likes, I might make one friend. However, I might find a few months from now that she is just as offensive as everyone else does. Instead, I might be lucky enough to make 3 or 4 new friends out of this little party, and maybe start to feel like I fit in around here." If you've never moved far from home, friends, and family, you can't relate.

And by the way, since you mentioned the cookies, I don't intend on counting what each person takes. By bringing cookies, each person can take what they choose. I don't want any leftovers in my home, so if someone only takes a dozen, and someone else takes three dozen, that's four dozen that aren't accumulating dust in my house. :)

Well, as the saying goes...Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread, and this won't be the first time I've qualified as the fool. Why not just confront the situation "head on" in a kindly sort of way. Go to this woman privately and ask her why she doesn't want to be your friend. People who are cold (and sometimes mean) often have issues with their own self esteem and use this method to keep others at a distance. I'm not saying this will be a great breakthrough and she will become your best friend, but it will might make her realize that in spite of herself you are reaching out to her.

You also should enter into the situation knowing that she might hurt your feelings by her answer and she is just REALLY cold and mean! Either way, you have made the effort as a better person, and can exclude her from your party with a clear conscience. After all, friendship is a privilige we earn and you have good friends who should have your first consideration.
Pati

Jen....are all your guest going to be from your workplace? Why not include someone from your Church....then it would be a "friends only" party....and since she doesn't qualify as a friend she would not be expecting to be invited. JMHO Jo

P.S. Send extra cookies to me! LOL

I have a few on my list from church, and I believe my co-host has a neighbor she'd like to invite.

I've discussed it at some length with the girl I'll be co-hosting with. She explained in even more detail what all is going on up in her engineer-ie group of folks. I now clearly understand what the issues are, and we're both willing to fight a little anger and "why aren't I in the list" for this good cause of having some of our friends get together ..

Thanks all..
-Jennifer

The way you have agonized over this problem shows that you are a good person with a loving heart. I hope your party is a great success and everybody gains at least 3 pounds from the delicious cookies! (G)
Pati

PS Let us know how it goes, and a picture or two would be nice.

This message was edited Apr 7, 2004 11:06 AM

Can't you invite just those at work that you consider your friends, and not just the whole office? I don't know what people in my office do outside of work. If any of them get together, I am not invited, but I would not be offended, either, as none of these people are close friends of mine.

(We all get along on a friendly basis but we all have different interests and family commitments and our homes are scattered all over the place. We're all old 35+ year olds with no time.)

This is your party and the hostess has the privilege of inviting whom she chooses. Especially when having guests into her own home.

Edited to add:

1. Choose whom you wish to invite.
2. E-mail or verbally invite guests.
3. Have the party and enjoy!

This message was edited Apr 7, 2004 6:38 PM

I'm going to be cold here.
It is your party and you should invite who you want to invite.
Your home, your "stolen hehe" idea.

If whats her face is a good friend, (I forgot her name,lol.) then maybe you should take into account her feelings on the matter. (as it appears you are already doing.)

If that woman (the meany) caused trouble and said bad things because someone had an old clunker (I guess it was a clunker car and they couldnt afford a "safe" one.) then I wouldnt want her at my party either.
Family (close good friends comes before any meany butt!)

Invite Only.

I have never worked in an "office" situation, but I have been around cliques. They suck,lol. A bunch of hoity toity women (or men) that think they are so much better than you. Sad thing is- alot of these "rich types" are so in debt that it's sad. I might not be rich- but my bills are paied and I owe NO money to anyone. :)). I can go out and get just about anything I want (on credit) because my credit is pristine. (not that I'm gonna do that) lol.
Ack, I'm ranting LOL!

If she is a "bad person"- try not to feel bad about avoiding inviting her.

She needs to get over whatever hangup she is having and get a life.

It isnt your job to fix the world or cater to their feelings. You try to talk to her- she brushes you off. She has NO right to be invitied to your party.
Think of your friend on this one. Just my opinion- decision is yours of course.

This has two sides.. it is you party and outside of work you are ok to invite as you wish, just remember it is very cruel to be not part of somehting that others talk about in your presence.

Maybe someone should go the extra mile and not talk behind her back but try to become a friend. We are not all born with
social skills and perhaps she knows that others dont like her.
Sounds like she has issues and could use friends. Your true friends should appreciate you for not being cruel to her an being put in the position like children of if she comes to the party they wont.

Be the first,, open your heart.

But she said she had already tried to be her friend didnt she?

It sounds like the "troublemaker" doesn't really like the rest of you guys anyways, so why should she be offended about not being invited to a party with a bunch of people she doesn't like? Yeah, she could have a snit about "the principle" of the thing, but that would be stupid and childish and she'd only be further hurting herself.

I would invite her, especially if inviting all others you work with.. Ask her, and if she comes, kill her with kindness, and ask others to do the same.. If not a good response from her, maybe next time you want feel bad about not asking her..You will have tried..

Larkie

I would invite her. She is going to find out anyways, and it would probably hurt her and cause more problems if she finds out she's been singled out as the one not invited. Perhaps what she needs is something like this to help change her attitude. Maybe she's cold because she get's excluded much of the time.

Okay, I thought I was done here, but I'm going to explain myself one last time.

Yes I have tried to be nice to this person. No I wasn't not well-received. Twice I have been given the feeling through chosen words and tone of voice that "I'm a lower class citizen than this person." I don't need that in my home.

I'm not "singling out" just one person. This isn't a case where there are 15 women in one department, and I'm inviting 14. It's more a situation of she IS usually invited when my co-host sets up a gathering, but when this person attends, no one else does, because they have been offended by hurtful words in the past.

I could go on, but I know this conversation will continue with or without me. All I was asking is how to tactfully choose an invitation list .... and how to invite those chosen.....

Why are you getting upset Angelsong? You asked for opinions....not all of them are going to be the ones you 'wanted'.

I agree with Rikerbear.. Why are you so upset? All of us ,mmmmhave different opinions and you asked for them.. If you really feel the way you say about this person and have already tried with her, why do you feel like you have to invite her? As you say, you you don't need this in your home..If your feelings are so clear to yourself, there should't be any debate with yourself about inviting her.. Go with your heart..
Larkie

Um- didnt someone suggest email? Is it possible for you to email everyone you want to come?

Hmmm...
I really don't know AS.
Maybe just invite people that like to bake? Like ask them personally on your lunch break? Or go through the grapevine,lol. I don't throw parties so I probably shouldnt have posted here. Sorry.

Don't have the party unless YOU are sure You're doing it the right way. Does not sound like you are to me thus far.

Angelsong, if you are going to ask such questions, and expect honest answers, you may not like all of them! Your initial posting indicated very minimal personal experience with this person. I do not understand why my posting should upset you, unless you feel 'mean' on some level and resent my pointing that out.

Cookies: the way I have seen this done successfully, is for everyone to make the same number of dozens of cookies as there are participants, plus one extra dozen for snacking at the party. Then, each person takes home one dozen of each type of cookie.

I am imagining someone's hurt feelings if no one takes their perhaps less-than-successful attempts at baking.

You are having the party in YOUR home, so that makes you the primary host, not your friend. You are the one sending out invitations. Since you do not normally invite the woman, there really isn't an issue.

Since you do not have home addresses, if you can invite by email, I would do so. If you cannot, and need to have your friend hand out invitations at work, then I would simply have her state that she is handing them out for you. She should state this to everyone within earshot at the time.

If there are any questions, you and your friend should simply smile and say, "I'm sorry, but I have so many other friends coming, that I am unable to accommodate the entire department in my home, so I had to restrict the guest list." You are under no obligation to tell her what basis you used to restrict the guest list. Then change the subject to something work related.

Doing the right thing doesn't mean inviting someone no one wants to be around. You ARE "doing the right thing" simply by trying to be polite and courteous, in spite of the fact that the woman doesn't sound as if she deserves it.

And, by the way, your posts show that you are a considerate, kind person. You will make lots of friends there!

Okay, first of all Angel, does she bake? If not, then there's your first out....I know you don't care to bake and ....you shouldn't allow store bought cookies, just home baked.

Secondly, you might send personal invitations to every one at their homes that you want to invite. Put a big SHHHHHH on it and don't let everybody know who you invited, let that be a surprise. But if they ask if you invited one certain someone you can say no to make them all happy.

But I do feel bad that you are letting a whole group decide based on how they feel. You might find you really get along with this person after all. :)

One more thing, you could go to lunch with this person and talk tactfully to her. Tell her what you are doing and you don't want to leave her out, but this is the situation with others in the office, without naming names.

Just call me.....dear kathy......:)

I never meant to offend, either. I didn't realize you had already made your decision. Whatever it was, I hope that everything works out for you.

This sounds very much like the type of situation where a child is having a birthday party and does not wish to invite the whole class. The Hostess is under no obligation to invite everyone. She is only obligated to be discrete. This is a private party and not an office function. Invitations should be handled accordingly. This means they are issued away from the office. ie: mailed to home addresses, emailed to private email addresses or phoned to individuals at home or on personal time like lunch hour in private and not in the middle of a crowded lunch room.

Office talk will happen and the person not invited is most likely going to overhear discussion about the event before or after. You do not need to explain to this person they are being left out because... But if they broach the subject simply tell them it is/was a private party and you could not possibly include everyone. No need to elaborate or explain further, No apologies required. No meanness.

We often feel pressured to be "friends" to all our co-workers but reality is we just do not or cannot like everyone. It is sufficient to be polite, courteous and businesslike without any pretenses. We cannot choose our co workers, but we can and should choose our friends wisely.

Just my opinion :~)

Angelsong, you have received alot of advice on this thread but always think that "Mom knows best". When I first read your thread I didn't post because you received the same advice from your Mom that I would have suggested myself.

Corporate restructuring is an accepted given these days, and you never know who you may be working side by side with, much less who a future supervisor may be. It personally happened to me, and two of my former troublemaking peers were not happy when I became their supervisor.

It's your party and you have every right to send invitations to those you want to attend. What I would do is send invitations to those you are the closest to, and have a polite but tactful answer to those you don't. The news of the party may eventually spread before or after it happens - especially afterwards if you all have a fun time. Just my thoughts.

Point to consider: This "meanie" might love baking cookies, and then you'd have to wonder what she might put in them!!!!!!

She doesn't sound to me as though she would want to be invited. There are people that really don't want to make friends.

Most people seem to like to be in a friendly atmosphere. But some don't, or don't care. They behave unpleasantly because it protects them from having to socialize.

Since you have been rebuffed in your overtures to her, and others have had the same or worse experience with her, just count her out. That's what she appears to want.

If it's not what she wants, it's up to her to change herself. All the kindness in the world isn't likely to change her. Life is not a fairy tale, or a movie with a good ending. This is reality.

You can still be pleasant to her at work, because that is who you are. She can continue to be unpleasant, because that is who she is. Everyone has to take responsibility for the consequences of their own actions at some point. And maybe she has, and she prefers the consequences as they are.

We spend a lot of mental energy trying to find a way to "fix" others' problems. They may not see themselves as having a problem.

I meet all kinds of people in my line of work, and I am friendly with them all. But now and then you run across someone who just doesn't want to socialize or follow the generally accepted pleasantries. If you've already tried, don't feel you have to spend a lot of time and energy to get them to conform. Maybe they want to be a square peg. It sure gets them attention!

(You can always pray for them.)

IMO

AngelSong, I still feel like you should sit down one on one with this person. There are more issues here than her being invited to a cookie party and unless you nip it in the bud, it will still be there festering. I would just broach her and talk friendly to her and ask if there is something you or anyone did to offend her. It is okay to do that and I have done that in the past and I felt a whole lot better afterwards knowing exactly where I stand.

I did that with a coworker once, Kathy...Be ready to be blasted, because it might take you off guard. The coworker I spoke to did not like me from the start and said some really outrageous and stinging things ("I would never choose to have you as a friend" was the one that really hurt -- I'd done nothing to her, always strove to be friendly -- it was awful). It took me a long time to realize she was a bitter, nasty woman who had to be top dog and hated anyone new receiving praise.