CPAP / sleep apnea dilemma need wisdom

PLEASE don't think I'm being silly... this is a real concern for me.

I have just been diagnosed with a bunch of sleep disorders and one is obstructive sleep apnea which will require a CPAP machine or BIPAP or VPAP or APAP or some PAP machine.

I also have restless leg, periodic limb movements, lack of 3/4 stage sleep, and sleep maintenance insomnia. My blood oxygen level averaged 84% during the night and I only had 4 hours of total sleep in a night that lasted from 10 pm till 7 a.m. Apparently if I don't use the machine compliantly it could cause me to have heart disease and possibly death... so it's not an option not to use it.

But now this question is serious to me. I'm kind of a newly wed with my DH, we married in May 03 and are still learning about being husband and wife. We got off to a rocky start because of health problems... not a normal honeymoon, so we're a little unsteady unlike most couples of our age and time of being married.

My concern is: since men are so VISUAL, what is this monster on my face going to do to my husband's last glimpse of his 'lovely wife' as he goes to work each morning?

He comes to kiss me goodbye before he leaves each day. He has always told me I look beautiful lying there but I won't be beautiful anymore - I'll look like a science fiction creature.

The thought chills me, and when I learned I have to use this mask for the rest of my life, I cried. I don't know what to do other than try to rise before he leaves for work.

I know the right answers - that if he really loves me it won't matter, etc. etc.

but the honest answers are that it really WILL get in the way of snuggling and it really will not be a pretty sight for him to see when he looks at me in the morning.

any wisdom?

He is being very sweet and SAYS it won't matter. with a male they are visual and turned on by what they see, and a person with a monster attached to her face is NOT going to be a turn-on. I don't want anything to cause him to have a subconscious ugly mental image or even a laughable mental image of me to come to him throughout the day. I have enough strikes against me with my age and the cane and the wrinkles and the skin problems and the dark circles that come from constant pain, etc.

I am thinking I may have to set my alarm clock for 10 minutes before he has to get up so he doesn't have to see me that way.

You know, these are things my Mom would have known how to help with... so please, some of you have been like surrogate moms and sisters to me, I need you now. Help me believe it's gonna be ok and help me figure out how to make this work. He would never admit it even if I looked like Godzilla, and he's been there for me in every crisis. I know he'll try to put up with whatever comes our way, but I don't want him to have so many hurdles to have to jump just to want to look at me.

Thanks for your help.

Men are indeed visual creatures and this machine will allow you to rest so that you are going to look better and feel better. You can put it on after the cuddling and the lights are out if it makes you feel less self concious. As for the mornings, he is going to see the loving woman of the night before not the mask.

Remember that a well rested woman not only has more energy but healthier looking skin and is more apt to feel frisky in the bedroom so he is going to love that mask!

Janie, you have mail.

Zany, you are absolutely right. I can't say it better.

Janie, dealing with any sleep disorder is never easy. Apnea is very dangerous and dealing with a mask is much better than the alternative.

I used to sell apnea monitors for babies, in the days we first knew about SIDS. The babies were too little for masks, but the Mothers would put up with ANYTHING to assure safety for the baby.

I'm sure your husband will, too. He wouldn't have married you if he didn't want you around for a loooooong time! :)

Janie, the only experience I have with at least sleep apnea was with my now 14 yo daughter. She was born 2 months early and had to use a baby monitor like darius mentioned. Im sorry Im not better at this but I know my daughter is doing great, shes taller than me and what a mouth(smarty).My DD was on a medication that basically helped her to remember to sleep. I dont know if thats an option for you or what other options you have but with all the paraphanelia that my DD had and me being a 22 new mom didnt detract from her at all. I have no doubt your DH will be kissing you every morning.
Shade and Sweet water,
Janet

Hi Janiejoy,
My daughter is 19 years old and uses a CPAP machine. She had a totally different problem why she uses the CPAP. Her lung had collapsed after a surgery. You will adjust and so will the hubby. You will feel more rested after a good nights sleep.

Lots of good advice in the posts above. I certainly think that your dearly beloved will be so grateful and thankful for that machine because it will be keeping you alive. When life and death situations arise, one does not have the same attitudes that they would have had if things were "normal". Just be thankful that you have the machine and I am sure that he is thankful more than you could ever know.
Have you ever read any of the books by Joni Erickson Tada? She is someone who has many physical obstacles that she has had to overcome with her marriage and life and her books are very inspiring.

Janiejoy, you will have so much more energy and feel so much happier that wearing it at night will just be a side issue. My Dad has to use one because he wasn't sleeping well and would actually stop breathing at night. After wearing it for a couple of weeks he felt so much better (less depressed) and had a lot more energy. His girlfriend doesn't seem to mind it and it hasn't stop them (I think not having to hear him stop breathing at night and wondering if he would start again helped them both get more sleep).

What if your new husband had to wear one, would it stop you from loving him and thinking of him any different? When you start getting more sleep you will be a more beautiful person during the day and that is what he will remember.

I'm very happy they discovered your lack of sleep in time. They didn't discover my Dad's till after he had a stroke so you are a very lucky person.

JJ.....you have mail.

Cannot add much to what has already been said-But-they do not look that bad on and if getting up a bit earlier makes you feel better do it--but does not make you look like a monster-not at all.

I agree with what everyone has said, Janie. I think when you are finally rested your natural beauty will radiate in every direction. A joyful person is a beautiful person!

Can you get playful and do something with the mask? Maybe make it look like a kitty face or paint flowers on it or something like that?

In any case I think your husband will be so happy to see you feeling so much better that he will view the mask as a thing of beauty!

Thanks to all who have taken time to email and post to help me with this;

I failed to mention DH has severe obstructive sleep apnea. I am the one who diagnosed it, by the sounds he made during the night...he would snore loudly, then snoring would stop, then he would start breathing again with a snorting sound - used to wake me up. I asked him to have a sleep study done and his life was in danger, especially because he also has mitral valve prolapse. He's been sleeping with a CPAP for most of our married life but he is still exhausted most of the time. Of course he works 12 hour shifts which amount to 15 hours away from home on a work day plus he does all our laundry and tries to help as much as he can with taking care of our home plus all the yard work and gardening since I am disabled still. He recently was re-titrated and the pressure was raised from 7 to 11 and a humidifier and heater unit was added to his equipment. Not sure how much this has helped but we'll see after a while.

I thank you all for your thoughtful input and for your prayers. I truly hope I will indeed be feeling much better. And I know that whatever is necessary to overcome, we will work on overcoming it. I believe him when he says he loves me and with God's help we will get through this just like we've gotten through everything else... our marriage has been nothing but one scary physical struggle after another -nothing as intense as Joni Eareckson Tada - but it certainly has been a lot of challenges for just a short 3 1/2 years of marriage.

Please pray with me that the machine will give me the ability to take care of my home so that it's not a mess all the time and so that I can do my job as a wife and take care of our home and cook delicious meals and make our home a haven from the stresses of the world for my wonderful husband.

I feel so frustrated with everything right now and this was just one more thing added to the list... some days all I can do is cry, and I just thank you all for your support.

I have other issues with the thing other than the way could be a turn-off to my DH - I am allergic to stuff on my face and fear it will make my extremely sensitive skin freak out to have a mask on my face every day; that the mask will leave lines on my face that won't go away and I'll look strange; I am claustrophobic and very active with restless legs and sleep maintenance insomnia meaning I cannot stay asleep; I don't know what all is wrong because they refused to give me the full doctor's report... I have headaches if I wear a pony tail, let alone headgear strapped to my head and a mask strapped to my face for hours at a time...

I'm just worried about the whole thing. I imagine it sounds like I'm being a big baby about it and I know I should just be grateful there is an answer to the problem (or at least one of the several sleep problems) they found. I just want to be normal but I know now that is never going to happen...

But I am grateful for all the prayers and support and good ideas and I am processing them as well as I can and I am trying to find a way around it in my heart of hearts.
With love,
Janie

You have been through so much, Janie, that it is normal to start anticipating problems. I have been there too and I know doing that makes your stress levels skyrocket and then problems really start multiplying.

What I have learned to do is reality checks. When you find yourself thinking about what could happen, stop and ask yourself "Is this happening now?". If the answer is no, then don't invest time and precious energy in worrying about something that doesn't exist. Your faith is strong and can be a great asset to you here.

You have so many people pulling for you! We all want you to be able to start enjoying life. It will be easier to get there if you don't worry about the 'what ifs'. You will have a lot more energy to put into fixing 'what is'.

$:^)

Depression is a natural thing also when the body is down. If you can get some of the physical problems solved then the depression should start to let up a bit. You have gotten a lot of great advice on this thread. May God bless and keep you safely in His loving arma and may some of the "booger bears" (what I tell my grandkids) that have been attacking you start to go away soon.

Janie, I may not have told you in my private email to you that sometimes when the mask seems to be attacking me I pull it off my face and just breathe a few breaths and tell myself to knock it off. When I put the mask back on I seem to be ok most of the time. A few nights I have had to resort to not using my machine but they are getting fewer and fewer now.

You CAN get adjusted to the machine and the mask and as far as allergies go there are masks of different materials and they can fit you with one that won't bother your skin. If you are determined and quit worrying about the "what if's" this will make your life so very much better.

Hugs, Lani

Lani,

I know you're right.

I wish I could learn not to worry so much. I think I get it down to a way not to worry and then something else happens that is really off the wall that nobody ever heard of before and that starts the cycle again...

it's infuriating.

But I'm working on it, and your advice is greatly appreciated and OBVIOUSLY much needed, my dear sister - friend.

Love
Janie

Janie......did you receive my second e mail two days ago?mI got yours today and I'm trying to reply but I'm computer ignorant and having a hard time. Don't know how to do it.

Janie, all I guess I can say to you is what I keep saying to my Mother. What "if" the sky should fall? What "if" we don't have enough food for tonight? What "if" we have to get to town this afternoon and what"if" the car won't start? LOL

You are worrying about things that you need to relax about for now and let yourself slide with whatever happens and address it then logically. I will be here for you any time of day or night and if you want I will even give you my phone number. Call if you need anything or advise and I will do my utmost to help you through these first few weeks. I know from my own experience that you will be fine if you will just go along with this. AND your health will be much better for it too. What a nice Christmas present for your darling hubby.

Hugs for you and DH. Lani

Cathy, yes, I did get your second email.. and frankly your testimony is so amazing I'm afraid it took my breath away. Your experience is so opposite of what mine has been in life I didn't know how to respond. BUt I am so glad for you... in so many ways... that you have such a wonderful testimony and I thank you for your hand of friendship.

God love ya.

And Lani - thanks!

I love you guys.

:)