How comfortable r u when..

...when it comes to 'formalities'? As for me, I get the feeling of being tied up by a strong rope. I'm most uncomfortable when I am in such a place or a situation and I tend to err by doing the wrong things at the right time and the right things at the wrong time!

Another name for that is "protocol". I would be all washed up in Wash.DC and places like that.

I was raised in a very very formal home and have NEVER learned how to be formal. I guess I just never thought it was important enough for me to learn. Or I was trying to defy my Mother.

Someone once said (could have been Wilde), "The English never slap a face, they just don't invite it to dinner again"

Honest mistakes are forgivable (and sometimes refreshingly different) and a good host should create a distraction if the guest makes an honest faux pas. Poor behaviour for the entire evening usually sees the whole group looking in every direction possible except at the person creating the problem! *G*

i would fail at it. i think washington dc would throw me out.

i dont like being formal. i feel so out of place at it . i was raised in a southern proper home. i was the wild child though. oh well i am me and thats what counts

Keep the spoons, plates in exactly the same angles, take only the set quantity on the spoon, open the mouth only to a particular diameter, chew only the set no. of times, make no unnecessary noises, sit (usually stiffly !) in the artificial postures, laughing without making noise, smile artificially, .... oh, it is too much for me! They all look unnatural to me. Yes, protocols make me very sluggish and I often avoid being at the spot. Too much self-consciousness is created in such a 'rigid' atmosphere. I'd feel at home when the situation offers 'informality'. I sometimes wonder why so much rigidity is expected in following protocols - I fail to understand any sensible purpose, other than forced 'good behaviour'.

Formality at the dinner table is something we all should be aware of, practice with guests, and when going 'out'. Nothing more enjoyable to me than inviting guests. The preparation of food, the table settings, freshly pressed clothes:), and even running the hoover. All this says, "Welcome. We have made a special effort, for special friends."

Light the candles, compliment your guests. Enjoy the formality. It doesn't occur often enough for me.

Dinu, I'm with you on disliking strict formalities at the dinner table... I can see it's appropriate for "State" dinners but that's not in my social circle, LOL.

However, I hate someone at my table who talks with a mouth full of food... or pushes food onto a fork with their fingers. On the other hand, I could care less if they use the wrong fork. I prefer good food and conversation at the dinner table with congenial guests above "proper" manners.

I love to have small dinner parties, and I agree with golddog, that it's lovely to make a special effort for special friends.

golddog, I appreciate good manners and really love beautiful presentation and settings. Social graces are not what I am referring to, tho. If anything I think there is a shortage of social graces aka: thoughtfullness. I am referring to something more affected and stiff; like what color of stationary you SHOULD use, passing the food in what direction?, who sits by whom, etc. There are people who are "diamonds in the rough" if PROPRIETY were the #1 issue they would be overlooked or not known and what a loss to those of us who missed the opportunity. I have seen propriety with charity dismissed. that's all. so please, light the candles, iron the linens, and polish the silver, I am on my way.

I like putting the candles on the table and good china and silver too and in the proper places, but spare me the details of how perfectly the fork must go to the mouth and how to bend the hand just so and how to do the perfect dab with the napkin. Those sorts of formality make me very uncomfortable.

I agree Ponditis, it's the effort that is important. Or should I say the atmosphere?

I would say the effort and the atmosphere and a closed mouth for chewing. lol

I remember one of the newspaper columnists (Miss Manners?) saying once it is OK to put your elbows on the table after dinner but not before. Nothing was said of the feet.:)

LOL, golddog!

Well said anastatia! Denise

Yes Darius, I agree with your view. I must say, good hosting too is a knack and some are really gifted at that. Yes, neatness and the efforts that go behind the arrangement must be recognized and appreciated. Some people show it by behaviour and a few may express in words, point blank. Don't you think that too much rigidity can hinder a 'free conversation'?

I would be totally out of place dressed to the tee at a very formal dinner party having to hold your mouth, just right and taking only minimal bites and so forth, but as a family that does not eat at the dinner table togeather, because my husband would rather eat in front of the T.v. I miss my child hood days of setting the table with plate knife fork and napkin and sitting down to a five course meal!Learning the very best of informal dining.In my house- hold you are lucky to get two corses, I have very fincky eaters here, but you have really made me think about this, and I am going to do better to give my children a little better instruction on table manners, heck just eating at the table will be a great start!!Thanks for this discussion, you have gave me something to think about

Dinu, the problem arises when someone uses the observance of proper 'etiquette' as a club with which to bash someone on their head. The idea is actually to make people comfortable, as they will now what behaviour is expected of them under which circumstances. One of my favourite stories is when the Queen observed a guest drinking from his fingerbowl, she and other royals drank from theirs as well to avoid making a guest uncomfortable. Now that's style!

I can tell when a party is successful: I look around and see people relaxed and enjoying themselves and the other guests. I do like to make sure our home is sparkling and the food is special when we have people "in", but the whole point of those efforts is to make the guests feel welcome and invited, not self-conscious about how or where to sit, or how they're supposed to eat and drink :o)

They also say that watching others' plates is bad manners. But the host has to watch! Here, it is usual practice that the host would serve the food to the guests and it is only after the guests finish, the hosts (usually the housewives) have theirs. The male members who sit along with the guests would take care that the guests enjoy their fill. Without observing the plates, how can one show hospitality? They should be made comfortable to demand the extra servings. The guest is placed on a higher pedestal according to the tradition.