What to Wear?

My sister has to attend a wedding (her nephew) and she wondered if it would be proper to wear black. She has lost a lot of weight and did not want to go to the expense of new clothes when she already has a lovely dress. Would this be a breach of etiquette? She does not want them to fault the way she dresses, as half of the people will be semi hostile to begin with. Any advice?

She would probably be more comfortable in something more traditionally acceptable... While black is now 'okay', there will still be comments from people, especially if they are already less than charming. Why not celebrate the weight loss with a great new dress?

while I would probably wear black if that's what I had, I would probably say if the possibility of comments being made already stands, I wouldn't necessarily choose to wear it. They might say that she doesn't agree with the wedding and is wearing black to prove it. People can be so mean sometimes :(

I totally agree with Pardancanda, why not show off the new weight loss with a beautiful new dress. Now red, that would give them something to really talk about........LOL

I agree with John.

While the "rules of dress" seem to be more and more lax every year, much of that is runway, and paper only. Too many people still frown heavily on red, white, or black at a wedding. I wouldn't risk it.

Trish

I wore black at my DD's wedding in June, it was a sleeveless dress but I did have a beautiful shortsleeved blue satiny jacket made to wear over the dress.

I wear black a lot, my closet is like a black hole. And I wear black everywhere, even to weddings. No one makes any association with it, because everyone knows I usually wear black.

Once, years ago, a cousin was getting married and there was a bridal shower. I wore a lovely black pants outfit. During the shower she came over and cat-ily remarked that just because I didn't like her fiancé, that didn't mean I had to wear black. I had never met her fiancé. She was just being obnoxious, which is her habit.

I didn't let it bother me, but months later, when she remarked that she missed me at the wedding, I told her I would have gone, but I didn't have a thing to wear.

People can be nasty, and if that bothers you, you prolly shouldn't give them anything nasty to say. I'd wear the black dress if I felt good in it, but if she's worried, she should prolly get a new dress.

Cheri'

Is the wedding going to be this year? If so, and the black dress is the basic, classy dress I say go for it. Accessories can always be added to dress it up for the occasion at a fraction of the cost compared to the purchase of a new one. A wedding is supposed to be a day of joy, love and well wishes for the couple, not a fashion show for those attending the church service or reception. The bride is the one who is going to steal the show anyway. :o)

My answer is based on the statement that djm's sister does not wish to be "faulted" by people described as "semi-hostile", so I feel she would be more comfortable not taking a fashion risk.

People in different parts of the country have different views on wearing black at weddings. Here in central OH it is considered to be strong disapproval of the marriage. But as several others pointed out, dressing it up with colored accessories turns it from "mourning" to "high fashion".

If it were me I'd wear the black dress, new white cotton gym socks (comfortably rolled down around my ankles), sparkley red shoes, and top it off with a purple hat.

Oh, by the way, djm...just kidding.

I haven't been to a wedding in years (wouldn't have gone to my own except somebody said I had to be there!). However, I seem to agree with ALL the opinions above...if there is a chance of hostility/negativeness of wearing black then either dress it up with other colors or the wearer should be prepared to just state "this is what I had/chose to wear". If the wearer is well-known by the bride/groom then wear the black as is...the bride/groom will know without a doubt that she is not wearing black to make a negative statement. Does that make sense?

I just went to my nephew's wedding (Midwest); I would recommend that if she could come up with a different color jacket with scarf/jewelry; than she should be able to avoid the negatives. The thing I did was to shop at one of our "gently used" clothing shops for the reception outfit and got a great deal.

Well, once again, I was going to say most of the above, but it has all been covered so well already. I agree with all of it. I would be likely to take the opportunity to buy a new outfit, since the weight loss is going to make this necessary anyway. Resale shops, great idea! But if funds are too tight, I would buy a great shawl or a length of fabric, in an acceptable color, and tie it around that new, smaller waist the way many new fashions are showing it. She can even spray paint a pair of shoes with that dye made for this purpose, make a scrunchie for her hair to match the scarf, carry a cute small bag and a jaunty attitude. If she really wants to be sure she's not criticized, call the bride and discuss it with her. Explain the situation and allow her to offer assurance that the presence is the thing of importance and attire is whatever is comfortable for guests. I feel sure she would prefer that her guests didn't come in black mourning veils, but a stylish appearance, with some accessories that make it obvious the guest went to an effort for this momentous occasion, should be welcomed by her. Then be sure to grab an opportunity to hug and congratulate her where all can see she isn't uncomfortable with that appearance.

Doris, What size does she wear...I have a wedding type dress that I only wore one time....OH...I forgot...it's out of style. HEY! Maybe it's back in style by now!!! Jo

I take it this is a "turn of the century style?" heheheh. (I think Shoe has the right idea.) I will send her these responses. They will give her much to think about and greatly help in deciding what to do. I think the wedding is this weekend!

Doris....Is your AUNT going? If so, please send me a report of the event....LOL Jo

I'd check out the resale shops if money's the main issue - She deserves a nice new dress after losing that weight, and there's so many available at good prices. Whatever she wears, she should feel really good about herself and stand up for herself.

thanks everyone for the advice. I've copied the responses for her, and we'll see what happens. There is a strained relationship between her and her husbands relatives. But the groom called and asked if they would come to his wedding. It should be interesting!

I hope this can be the beginning to a better relationship between all the family members then!

I'd be interested in hearing what she chooses to do. Care to post back here when she makes that decision? Please? (I'm the nosey sort, ya know.)

I just saw this thread and would like to post the following story. It's not about a wedding but a funeral. If you're not supposed to wear black to a wedding, then you're probably not supposed to wear red to a funeral but that is what I wore to my fathers funeral. BUT, him and mom had bought me that dress for my birthday 4 months previous and he loved that dress. It wasn't an "after 5:00" dress or anything. Just a simple shirtwaist with a full skirt and even though it was silk, the fabric looked and felt like linen. It's a beautiful dress and I still have it. I asked mom if she thought it would be inappropriate and she said no, Pop loved that dress, wear it. So I did. I'm sure many people at the funeral thought I was not being respectful but it didn't matter. Dad was looking down from heaven and I know he understood :-)

I'll throw my .02 in on this one. DS was married about 1 year ago and he and my sweet DIL chose the dress they wanted me to wear! It was almost black - very dark plum, and although not exactly my style it seemed to work. Here is me and DS and DIL and her Dad for the 'parent's dance'.

Oh, Vic, I am so pleased to read that you wore that red dress. It sounds gorgeous, and I just know it was what you were supposed to wear.

May I tell you a story about a funeral and what we wore? It's not meant to be sad, it's just such an eye opener.

When my precious daughter Laura died at the age of thirteen years and three+ months, we had warning and there was time to say goodbye. I had read the books on death and dying, and was doing my nursing home admin field service when she was admitted the final time. I was acutely tuned in to the thought processes of someone who knew the end was near.

One of my older daughters had bought a beautiful pink floor length dress at a garage sale for Laura's birthday in February, and she had put it on and been photographed in it as we celebrated. She took it off and said she would save it for some special occasion. It was like new, and a classic formal gown every little girl wants.

Blue was Laura's favorite color, pink was mine. When she assured me she was going to die and not to try to stop it, we finally discussed details of her funeral, including her in the planning as she lay there in a hospital bed. I asked her what she would like to wear to heaven, and she said the pink dress. Ever so gently, I asked her if she wouldn't want to wear her blue favorite, the one she had worn for her school picture, and she firmly replied she wanted the pink. So the pink one is what she wore. I had no blue, but felt she would be okay with me in a pale pink suit. It was early June. We looked like we were dressed for Easter Sunday. All of us wore spring colors, and the floral blanket on her coffin had all the butterflies the florist had in stock.

Later, as I cleaned and sorted her closet, I found dozens of butterfly art pieces she had made during her long days when she was confined to home. I recalled reading that butterflies are the symbol of eternal life, and were found scratched into the walls where children were "detained" during the Holocaust. She had known about her journey, and had been preparing for it long before the pink dress was bought. I think she knew where she would wear it, and maybe that's why she always asked me to wear that pink suit for her.

Sure, there were some people who were critical of our attire. But it was our Laura, and we knew what we were doing. Just as you knew to wear that red dress.

I like you better all the time. A real girl. A real woman.

We have 3 copper butterflies at Dad's grave along with a butterfly bench to sit and talk to him. Butterflies are very special in our family too! What a neat story Aimee, thanks for sharing it :-)

So you go there to talk to him, too? I sometimes sit and talk to Laura. We meet at the cemetery, she and I, and we brush off her bronze and marble headstone, marvel at how large the oak tree is, pick up the silk petals the wind has blown around from other graves. Then we leave, she and I, because, of course, she is slways with me. The grave is just where her flesh and bones are kept, her spirit is everywhere. Oddly, I never think of her in clothes, or in body.

I attended a wedding a few weeks ago, of a fairly prominent doctor (and good friend of ours.) August in the South means sleeveless, so I wore a red silk sleeveless sheath, and there were several other bright (vermillion to scarlet) dresses also present.

I had decided against a black evening dress as too "non-traditional" for a wedding, and when I arrived, I was glad I had made that decision, but for a different reason: nearly every female guest was in a black dress. (And no, I don't think anyone was silently protesting the union of this man and woman. I just think the rules have changed a LOT since I was a bride 20 years ago :o)

I think after the hippies popularized gauze and tattered jeans and beach weddings, almost anything is accepted if done in the right spirit. These days, people actually do celebrate the public acknowledgment of a union between two people, and it's a more festive event than in times past. Lots of tradition was pagan, and it's the rare bride who cares about all that rice and the cans tied to the bumper of the getaway car. Does anyone even shivaree a couple any longer? Did I mutilate that word? Never recall seeing it spelled and too lazy to find my glasses and look it up.

Around here, a basic black dress is right for any time of the year, and never out of style...Also, I wouldn't like it, but several weddings here as of late, the bride and groom chose for the Mother's to wear black..Not for me, but, each to his own... If you are comfortable with it, fine..Someone's always gonna talk about something..LOL..I will take pretty colors any day over black, personally..
Larkie

I suspect black is preferred by many mothers who would like to disguise the extra pounds most of us have by the time our kids are marrying.

ooo Aimee, but I sooo loved wearing black when I was young and strong and THIN! I still do, but more for the reason you suggest these days ... LOL!

Cheri'

Me, too!

Hi, the wedding turned out fine. After going over all your resonses several times, she decided on wearing a new black skirt and a dark floral top with a gold chain belt around her waist. (she had just lost a little over 100 pounds). Her neices and nephews that she sees very rarely, were glad to see her. The parents at least acted like they were happy to see my sister,( even though their smiles did not reach their eyes) OH and the biggest shock!! All the bridesmaid wore black! One of the mothers wore a black dress with avacado stripes running up and down! She says to Thank You all for helping.

Oh, Doris, what a lovely and fashionable wedding sight it must have been. I am so happy it turned out all right.

I took note of your words, "the smiles did not reach their eyes." I just know I will plariarize that often. It so aptly describes so many social situations.

Yayyy~~~...

Glad all turned out well! Ain't it grand when things fall together like that! (Still wish she'd have worn white gym socks and sparkley red shoes tho!)

All in all, sounds like all went well. Pretty cool, eh!

Good for her! Nice she did what made her feel dynamite and saw that others do, too.

Hey Shoe, I would have rather she wore the sparkly red shoes and gym socks too! Especially with the tops sagging down! She liked that too! Said to tell you, the next time, if there is another wedding with that bunch, (and they are invited, hah!) she may just consider your idea! Incidently, she said the woman who wore the black and avacado striped dress looked like a giant squash!

Hah!...a giant squash! Hehehehehe! I think I like that sister of yours!

I'm happy all things came together so positive. I love happy endings! And for the newly-weds, a happy beginning! What could get better than that, eh?