Swimsuits

When I was a child in the 1960s the bathing suit for the mature figure was
boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.

They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure
carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the maternity
department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like
a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around
every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from
what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the
stretch material.

The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to
launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if
you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark
attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would
immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap
in place, I gasped in horror my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while
to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib..

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman
is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.

I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view
assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of
me willing to stay inside it.

The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides.

I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you
are!", she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking
tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized
napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came
out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough
day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would
have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit . . ... a two-piece affair with a shorts
style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.

It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous
search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a
label which read -- "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this
year and I'm there too ... I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a
t-shirt!

LOL.

been there, done that, not going back ...

Cheri'

I'm laughing so hard I think I'm gonna pee my pants.......lol

that sounded like me in the dressing room when I needed a swimsuit for water therapy

I was in a dressing room trying on swimsuits last year, with two teenagers in the next dressing room. They probably wore a size MINUS 8. As they tried on suit after suit, I could hear them exclaim "EWWWW, I look so fat in that one" and "OHHHHH I can't BELIEVE how big that one makes me look".

Needless to say, I didn't buy a suit that day.

don't you just hate it when that happens? Makes you feel just that much fatter when some skinny thing is complaining

Yep, I hate it, but quess what? Now don't tell......I bet one day, the middle age spread curse will descend upon those two young things, and they'll be looking at one piece black swimsuits. Of course, I'll be 80 something and my mind will be gone by then. LOL

Every one of my fat rolls are giggling because I am laughing soooo hard at you and your trip to the store! Boy does it ever bring back the memories!
Tooo funny!

roflmao!
I actually put my mom through that torture back when I was in middle school. We were stuck in Dotham Alabama and the only place to go was the five and dime. So I made her try on bathing suits that were 5 sizes too small while I laughed and pointed. I THINK we both enjoyed it. lol :)

I have to tell you I read this at work today and laughed so hard. Had to print it out and share with co-workers you sure made our day! Funny thing is I went through the very same thing before my trip and never even had it on the whole time I was gone. lol

I am screaming here! LOL! that was so funny I am going to print it and let my best friend read it.

Ahhh, I remember those days...being that prepubescent girl...couldn't wait to buy a new swimsuit..those were the days. Now my curves have given way to "gentle" (?)-or maybe not so gentle- slopes..sheeesh, not to mention what was facing east is now west...what was north went south...and there is no mo' central. I don't have the nerve to even think about trying on a suit anymore. The thought of an egg with 2 rubber bands on it kinda flickers through my mind. Yes, I am the girl on the beach that is in her cut off shorts and tee shirt now, no more swimsuits for me thank you.

Oh yeah, 3 years ago I bought that swimsuit with the skirt and floral print...come to think of it, I did resemble a hippo from Fantasia that went AWOL...

Thanks for the smile.

LOL - I want to thank you - I was in a grumpy mood until I ready this. It is so true.

Lordy, Lordy, ain't it the truth! You'd think that in this day and age there would be a designer out there for the MAJORITY of us!

"Fantasia" hehehe--priceless!

sure would be something for someone to make some money violabird :)

haha! from the girl that got a D+ in sewing!

That was one of the funniest things I read in a long time and so, so true. Thanks so much.

I've gotten this one in an email before....too funny. There's another one that is great about a woman getting ready for her class reunion. It's a real hoot. If I find it I'll post it.

That's priceless! Fortunately, Lands End does have some good swimsuit designs. I don't see myself getting one through mail-order, though! At least I could rant and cry in the privacy of my own home, though! http://www.landsend.com/cgi-bin/pg.cgi?page=swim/SWIMSEARCH0103&sid=0518007826974142060