Hello from Penny4 - and thanks

I don't know what to say...Thank you hardly says enough. I am still in shock at the untimely, horrible death of my best friend, husband of just 7 years and center of my existence, Bill. I feel very lonely, even with friends or family members near me, and I imagine that will go on for some time, maybe forever. Many times, I look up expecting to see him. Often I hear his voice or feel his hand on my shoulder. Mostly I find myself thinking "Oh! I have to remember to tell/show/give Bill that when he gets home this time." Then I realize he is never coming home again. He was "my magic and my miracle" as I said in my wedding vows. He said: "No matter what the question, we are each other's answer." Carol (Weezingreens) married us in Seward Alaska, June 24, 1995.

I have had the gift of a good, good friend near me here and her help and presence has been my guiding force during this difficult time. Carrie is her name, and although not a DGer, she is a good enough gardener to help me keep mine together when all I want to do is sleep or cry. So with Carrie's help here, I still have some lovely blooms. It is hard to imagine all the goings on in the garden will never be seen by my Bill. Every morning he would awake bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to dive in (Me? I am barely able to function in the morning!). I can see him in his bare feet and striped bathrobe, hair all squirreled up, holding a cup of coffee and looking out the big picture window that faces south to most of our garden beds. Without fail, each morning, he would say "WOW! Look at that rose (or dahlia, pea plants, plum tree, carrots, strawberries, grapes - whichever caught his eye first on that particular day)! I think it grew a foot since yesterday!!!" Always the positive thinker. So my garden right now is more painful for me than a comfort. He made it all come together. I have many physical limitations which have prevented me from doing a lot of the heavy work a garden must have, but he was the one who did it all for me, and for himself. He loved to garden.
Anyway, I wanted to put a little something in here to thank all of you who have posted. Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated now. Bill was a "man's man" with a sensitive, giving nature. A seafarer by trade, and a man with the gift of being able to make or repair anything. Anyway, Bill lived more in his 45 years than many people do in three lives combined. I kind of want to put his obituary on here, but perhaps that would be a bit much. I just want people to know what a fabulous person Bill was and how much the world has lost with his death.
anyway, thanks a lot for caring enough to write here. And thanks to Carol for starting the post. I will post a shot or two of some of the dahlias which are doing well this year. But here is shot of Bill, me, and little Emma Rose, taken just after Christmas 2001, when we traveled to see her for the first time. Again, thank you so much for you caring and thoughful words. I need all I can get these days.
Penny Moran

WOW I did not realize until too late how little Emma is frowning in this shot! Her Grandpa's brows, that's for sure. The little child CAN smile, and does frequently. HA!

Glad you come back! =)

That picture are very nice so cute baby.

What a wonderful thread you've started, Penny. That's such a great description of Bill. I can see him now, in his bathrobe checking out the blooms! You have a real gift you for writing, and that will serve you well in remembering Bill and in forging ahead in life. Now everybody in Dave's Garden will have known Bill, as well.

P.S. You, know, if memory serves, I think most little babies have that scowl when they are propped up like that. I think everything gets compressed and they aren't too happy about it!

Hi, Penny - Thanks for posting your memories of Bill. :) My heart's with you, dear. ((( hugs )))

Hi Penny, it's so good to talk to you again. Carol is right, what a lovely way you have with words, and it's such a privilege to share your thoughts and memories.
What a gorgeous granddaughter you have. It's so good that Bill knew her. Many never have the joy of seeing their grandchildren and he must have been very proud.

I am thinking of you and looking forward to hearing more and seeing your photos
Hilary

Penny...what a lovely picture...and a lovely baby! I can understand a lot of how you feel. It does ease as time travels on...but we never FORGET! Since I lost my DH in December...I have had to learn things about gardening that I never thought, or wanted, to learn....LOL But these folks on DG just kept sending me seeds and cuttings, and helpful info...that now...I think that Carl would be so proud of me....Shocked to see me working in the garden.....but proud. I hope so.

Love & Hugs to you.

Jo...an old lady newly there.

Continuing to keep you in my prayers. God bless you ((((Penny))))

Good to see you on DG again, Penny!
I would like to see his obituary - can you post a website or something with it on there maybe? He sounds like a super husband and man.

I'd love to see his obituary, too, Penny. No, it wouldn't be too much at all to post it, too. After reading your beautiful post to him, I do feel like I've known him!

"Many times, I look up expecting to see him. Often I hear his voice or feel his hand on my shoulder." That's him ~ he's still with you, girl.

So good to have you back Penny. What a lovely picture you paint with your writing. I would love to hear more about Bill. Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Joan

Penny good to see you are posting.

Your post was beautiful, Penny.
(((Big hug)))
Melissa

((((penny)))

(((penny))) it's good to hear from you. We have all been concerned. Your post about Bill was very nice, I too can visualize him in his bathrobe surveying your gardens.
I would like to see his obit.
Take care Dear Friend, If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.

Penny.............he will always be with you in your heart; and watch over you from afar!! I too would like to see his obituary. I think sharing this wonderful man, and your life is maybe something that you need to do.

"eyes"

"I think sharing this wonderful man, and your life is maybe something that you need to do." And if you want to do it here, I'd love to read about him! If you ever feel like talking about him, telling a story about somethign he did, or just declaring to the world what a wonderful person he is to you (yes, "is" ~ he's still here with you), please share with us.

I couldn't agree with you more Wingnut - please do Penny!

God bless and keep you in this time of sorrow and healing. I can't even imagine. I have not experienced anything to compare. But I know God is the Comfortor! You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Doris

Thanks you all. I think I will post his obituary here, along with a photo. My friend from the town on the Oregon Coast where I grew up sent me the one that appeared in the little paper I used to work for down there, so maybe I will post that. Thank you so much for you encouragement. I think you all are right about "needing" to share him with others. He is such a wonderful man and force of nature, it is nearly impossible to think of him as gone. Everyday another BIG reminder slaps me across the face. Little ones fill the day, of course. Yesterday, I went to the store to buy some food. I had three friends over helping me paint our bedroom. Bill died in there, and I had to change it completely in order to stay in there. Anyway, while waiting in line to check out, I looked up and there stood two of the EMTs who tried to save Bill. I broke down in tears, right there in the checkout line. The men were just standing there, in uniform, chatting with friends. They did finally see me, dropped there happy smiles and walked out of my vision to the other end of the store. Felt bad for them, too. I was starting to get the feeling I wanted to go and say something to them, but a busy food market didn't seem like the place to do it. They tried very hard, I know. It was the night in hell. I think it may take them awhile to forget that particular call. What a nightmare for all.
Anyway, I will try to post Bill's obit later today. Your words and encouragement mean a lot me. I know I haven't been on DG all that long, and I tend to hover more than participate sometimes, but I feel I have gotten to know all of you through your posts, and I'm lucky that I got "turned on to" Dave's. Thanks. I have a feeling I may be using this forum as a release in the months to come, and it feels good to think that I wouldn't be burdening any of you by doing so. Have a wonderful day in your parts of the world. Penny

Dear Penny, that must have been difficult running into the EMTs in the store. just take things one day at a time. Hang in there, I have been thinking about you a lot lately.
I am looking forward to reading Bill's obit, thanks for sharing it Penny.

I'm so glad that writing here will help you! I can understand if it wouldn't, but selfishly it's nice to know that we actually can help you in some small way. :)

I'll bet the EMTs were just trying to show respect for your feelings (you probably know that already, Penny :). I was one for ten years and sometimes when I would see the family of a patient we lost, they would have a similar reaction, not always with tears, but most always with a grimaced, pained face. Part of me felt like my presence was what was triggering their pain, so I just wanted to melt out of sight right there on the spot, or somehow just go, leave, get out of there, out of respect for their feelings. Another part of me wanted to go up to them and give them a big hug, no matter where we were ~ the ones I knew well, I did give them that hug. The ones I didn't, I almost did. I don't think but one person approached me and that was one I knew very well. So I hope it makes you feel a little better to know that that scene was normal. Bless your heart, though!

Yes, do write all you want, even about any seemingly insignificant thing! I'd love to read it! I already know I want to meet you and wish I could have met him. And just remember, his body may be gone, but he isn't. He's still there with you, Penny, in memory and spirit.

Sometimes when you lose a loved one, what hurts worst is when your memories of the person start to fade some. You sometimes feel guilty that you're not able to picture his/her face clearly, or remember a voice, or scent. I remember this. So remember here with us, and we'll share this with you. (((hugs)))

penny4,

Thanks for sharing some of your memories of Bill with us. Be assured that your garden family will "listen" whenever you need an ear, and we will offer you support and caring as you try to reconcile your life with the events of the past few weeks. Take care.

I took comfort in creating a journal/scrapbook of my life with a loved one I lost many years ago. The act of doing it was therapeutic, and the pictures, letters, thoughts, etc. were a means of keeping the memories alive. I still take out the journals and look through them sometimes. It may not work for everyone, but it really helped me.

What a lovely post to start this thread Penny, and I still feel very sorry for you, but I am also very happy for you, that you have come back to be with us all again.

(((((PENNY)))))

Wintermoor

I can feel your sorrow. My husband was a young man, 48 when he died. I know what you are going through, it will ease in time.

This message was edited Tuesday, Aug 27th 9:38 PM

I can see from your posts that your Bill was a very loving person. Thankyou for sharing your wonderfull love and memories of him with us.

Wingnut, I meant to write back to tell you how much I appreciated hearing the bit about the EMTs. That really helped me a lot. Those men and women that horrible nightmarish night were fabulous. I would like to thank them some day, and wonder it they will remember. It isn't a huge city here, so they might. They tried very hard, as did I, to save Bill. Anyway, thanks for that input.
And to all of you, dear friends, I am so lucky to have you in my life, even in my cyberlife. Your kindnesses and ((((((hugs))))))) mean more than you will ever know.
For all of you who have lost a husband, especially suddenly or way too soon, I hope you are feeling better now. I hope I do, too, soon. I am planning a trip to the Oregon Coast, to stay with my Thor Dog at a little beach cabin for a week. Leaving this Friday. Just to watch the ocean, and read and relax, and to get away from this house. It is a trial each day to live here, not to mention all the hundreds of pieces of red tape and stacks of paperwork I am confronted with on a daily basis. I am planning to begin my search for neighborhoods in the Central/South Oregon Coast area to move to once I can sell this house. I grew up on the Northern Coast, so love the ocean, but have no plans to go "backward," only forward. Luckily, the only kind of life insurance we did have was on the mortgage, so I can sell it free and clear and move on. Bill and I had planned to sell it anyway in two years time, so I don't feel bad about leaving here at all. He knew it was too much for me to take care of, and withhis work schedule, he wasn't here enough to do it all himself.
I posted Bill's obituary, for those who might want to read it. Thanks for listening and thanks for being here for me. Love to you all,
Penny Moran

Penny, I hope you have a really relaxing time at the coast.
I did real Bill's Obituary, very impressive. Hang in there, you've been on my mind lately.

Oh, Penny! Getting away for a while sounds wonderful! A cottage on the Oregon Coast! I was just telling Weez the other day that one of these days I hope to make it up there! I'd love to see that part of the country.

And moving to a completely new place sounds like such a grand adventure! I've always wanted to move, but got stuck here with these darn family roots. ;) Oh, the packing might not be all that fun, but you can always hire that out. LOLOL!

You are so welcome for the story! If you feel like sending the EMTs a card or a letter one of these days, you can bet they'll remember. It's a real small town here, too, but over ten years I have quite a few to remember and I do remember each and every one. And thank you for telling me it helped! I'm so glad!

Penny I am so glad that you have a good friend to turn to. What a beautiful picture of you and DH in happier times. I will pray for you and family that God will help make it easier for you in your time of need.