Could use your advice please!

Here's the deal and a little background - my husband has only one close living relative, his brother Jim. Dh's sister, father and mother have passed on. DH's father died when he was 19. Jim was 14 at the time. Dh became Jim's father. DH and Jim have had off and on problems for all of our married life (25 years). Jim owns a nice pasture and hay ground. Our dd has cattle and has a hard time buying pasture. Several years ago we found out that Jim's previous hay/pasture ground renter was not going to utilize the full space anymore because he sold his cattle so dh asked if we could rent the space from him for dd's cattle. Long story made short - Jim lied to dh and said that the previous renter still wanted the ground we found out from the previous renter that he didn't want the ground that Jim just didn't want to have to rent the space to us. What was so hurtful at the time was that we had just spent a whole year working with Jim's step kids on 4-H projects and offered to let these kids show our lambs and we were going to also let them keep some calves at our place. So anyway, my dh has refused to speak to Jim since that time. Jim's wife has tried to make amends and has invited us over several times and dh refuses to go there. I personally think dh needs to just let it go but he is being bull headed. So here's the deal - I just checked my voice mail and there was a message from Jim's wife inviting us to their place for a picnic, etc. tomorrow night. I would like to go but dh refuses again. Dh and I have had our problems in the past and we are getting along very well and he is getting ready to leave for 3 weeks and I don't want to get into to a fight with him before he leaves. Any suggestions how to resolve this feud? I also thought about writing a letter to Jim and state why dh is so mad at him (because I am wondering if he really knows) - maybe Jim would come over and apologize.

Families - grrrrr!

To keep peace before he leaves just tell you sil you won't be able to make and then get together with them when DH is gone and maybe you will get it resolved...

Good Luck and it is a sad thing when family can't get along!

Cheers!
Rebecca

Wow, this is a tough one!

There seems to be two issues here:

1. resolving the feud,
2. not letting this feud come between you and your dh

My opinion is that #2 is more important. The feud is really between your dh and his brother. This is something only they can work out. My suggestion would be to stay clear, as much as you want to be the peacemaker.

As far as #1, can you be 'sure' that Jim lied? If he did, what reason did he have? Was he hoping to rent to someone else for more money than he could have charged his family? Did he 'need' this money? I think it would be humiliating to get caught in this lie, and that could be a clue to the lack of communication.

It was wonderful of you to be so good to Jim's stepchildren, but I would leave that out of the equation. Sure it was hurtful, but one has to be a cheerful giver, without expectation of much of a thank-you.

Okay, as far as your writing a letter, first of all maybe some things shouldn't be put into writing, sometimes they look worse in black and white.

If you are going to get involved, couldn't you girls work it out somehow?

So, hoping my observations as an outsider may be of some slight help, I wish you a happy resolution to your problem.

Your friend,

John

Would your DH object to your going without him(if you wanted to)? I know a couple whose DH absolutely refused to go to functions on his side of the family,because of some disagreement,but his wife and kids would go.He didn't care that they went.Eventually the fences were mended and now there is no problem ...could be that ,as they grew older they realized family ties are important.

Jewel

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I don't have any advice on how to mend it, but I know, as you do too, the longer it goes on the harder it will be to make amends.

I will keep you all in my thoughts and hope that it all gets resolved very soon.

Baa

Sounds to me like the relationship between DH and Jim has always been problematic. This pasture event might have been the 'straw that broke the camel's back' as far as DH is concerned. I don't blame him. He would like to see some loyalty from this brother, and there is none forthcoming. No gratitude, no apology, nothing.

I agree with Baa - the longer it goes on, the harder it is to resolve, but this has been going on for decades, I'll bet.

I think the best thing for you is to stop trying to fix it and just let it go. Do things with your side of the family and friends. Your relationship with your DH is much more important than his relationship with his brother.

Please let us know how things go....and may God be with you all!

GrannyLois said it best: "Your relationship with your DH is much more important than his relationship with his brother." That's what I took half a page trying to say!

Thanks so much to all of you who took the time to give me great advice. Yes - there is a lot of previous "baggage" involved in this relationship. Jim doesn't seem to have much family loyalty. Sometime I will have to tell you what he has pulled on his own daughter.