Need your opinion

I'm really stressing out here. I was having such a good day working in the yard and planting some seeds. Until, I got a phone call from my 13 year old son who is at his Dad's this weekend. His 20 year old sister, who is in no way a responsible adult yet, asked him to go skiing in South Dakota 350 miles away. I said no, since there was not going to be an adult along, nor a guardian, (I have sole guardianship), to make a medical decision or even sign release forms for him to be treated if he got hurt. He hung up on me. I then called my 20 year old daughter and told her that it would only be courteous if she would consult with me before asking him to do such things and get his hopes up. She hung up on me. They are both at their Dad's. My 13 year old son then called me back and got pretty nasty with me, but I held my ground and still said no. He said he was going anyway. I then said "PUT YOUR DAD ON THE PHONE!!!!" I asked him what in the world was going on down there. He said he didn't understand why I had such a problem with it. He has a chance to go have fun and I shouldn't be such a #$%&^ about it. I asked him what would happen if he got hurt and nobody was there to make sure he got the proper medical care. He said, well, as long as he has fun! I'm going, WHAT? It's okay if he falls and breaks his leg or neck as long as he had fun? Then he went off on a long string of abuse towards me. I know they are sitting down there now discussing how mean I am and it's going to come up again that it would be better for my son to live with his dad, yadda yadda yadda.....This comes up alot, since he will be 14 in April. Whenever I say no, HE says it's okay. Oh, the games we play.

Okay, am I wrong? Should I let him go? I still don't think so, but maybe I'm not looking at this objectively. I would appreciate any input, as I'm so stressing out right now.

Sorry to bring such doom into an otherwise perfect day, but I really need some input into this.

Joan, I know what you're going through as my ex does the same things to me. If you feel that your 20 year old daughter is not responsible enough than I would say stick to your decision. I know that without your verbal consent the hospitals won't treat him if he gets hurt. I ran into that awhile back when I had custody and my ex tried to take them to the hospital because one of them got hurt and the hospital tried desperately to call my to get my consent. Luckily I was home but even with written permission unless maybe you get it notarized, they won't treat him unless they talk to you. I can understand that you're upset and there's nothing you can say to make him understand. He's just at that age and having his dad put things in his head isn't helping any.
I may not be of much help here but if you don't feel comfortable then I would not let him go. If worse comes to worse, then go pick him up. I know this may sound harsh, but if you are scared that he'll go anyway and your ex won't co-operate and bring him home if you want then the police department will go with you to pick him up. You have custody and there's nothing that his dad can do about that. You are the one who will have to do what you feel is in the best interest of your son. That trip is a bit far away as far as I'm concerned.

Hope I wasn't long winded here. Let me know how things work out and try to take a deep breath :)

your friend,
Susan

Thanks so much Susan. I am grateful for your input. I am trying to calm down. Still shaking and so very scared. I have to stick with my motherly instincts and take the flap as it comes though. I appreciate your support more than you can imagine. I feel like I'm fighting an entire army single handedly. DH said it's tough love.

it's hard, I know.........believe me, I know. My ex doesn't know what it means to have to grow up and now his wife is secretly planning on leaving him and getting a divorce. He won't know what to do and I'm just going to sit back and wait. I've talked about everything with the kids, so they know and eventually they'll be back with mom in the end. I'm just going to wait. Some people just don't know how to be parents and it's a shame........my ex is one of them. It's more important to waste money on stupid stuff and go fishing than to pay the bills and take the kids to the dentist. I know just what you're going through, you just hang in there and be tough :)

If you need to chat, don't hesitate to e-mail me anytime!!!

You know, this is the kicker here. Just last Wed. I bought my 20 year old daugher groceries, as she didn't have the money. Now she has money to go skiing? I asked her about that. She didn't have anything to say, except that she got paid from her part time job. Her way of thinking is I have money today, let's spend it and we'll worry about tomorrow another day. She is, unfortunately, a lot like her Dad. My 13 year old son says he has most of the money to go. I know he does too, but it's been saved for a long time for something he really wants. He said his Dad will give him the money for the rest. HUH? How can that be? I haven't gotten my meager child support for months, because the state of North Dakota won't accept checks from him anymore, because one he wrote bounced a few months ago. So, he isn't paying bills or child support, but there's money for a ski trip? I'm talking about both my daughter and ex. They are both so very immature. I thought I had a handle on DS, but when he goes to visit his Dad, dear dad starts playing games to get him to turn against me.

Really, all I did was say no. I would not give permission for this trip. I'm being accused of just trying to be mean and all. If there would have been an adult along, I would have felt lots differently. But, I can see my daughter saying, Jaden, let's go down that black diamond, I dare you!I have bent over backwards and stressed myself out financially to provide for these kids and make sure they had what they needed. But, in my opinion, a ski trip that doesn't include a responsible adult, is not a necessity, and not going to happen. It DS chooses to go anyway, then I WILL call the cops, Child Enforcement and whoever to make sure that he is okay.

Oh, it's going to be a long, long weekend.

Thanks for your support and for letting me vent and get it out. I would bust if I had to not say anything and keep it all inside.

that's alright, that's what friends are for :)

Then when he does get back it takes you just long enough to get him back to the way you want and then it's time to go back to his dad..........right? Never failed here. My son already is talking about when he's old enough he will come back with me and then he's going to college and will never look back to being with Dad. I know that's a bad thing in a way for him to say, he's only 12, but thank god that he's seeing how his dad really is and that he doesn't want to be that way. He's a smart kid and I'm very thankful for that :)

Let me know how it goes on your end. If you need to talk, you know I'm here

I calmed down some, and called my ex back. I told him that I would only give consent for this trip if HE went along. He told me that they are already working on him about that, and he's thinking about it. I told him that if he went along, I would feel much better about it, and I would be available all weekend for them to reach me if needed. Our 20 year old DD already has an insurance card, all they would need would be consent. If they wouldn't accept Dad's consent, then at least I would know to be by the phone if they needed mine. If he goes, I'm okay with it. I just don't want to send my kids on a trip alone. Maybe I'm over protective. But I love my kids and want them to be safe.

I know what you mean. I just hope he won't lie to you and not go but say that he is. Be careful!!

This is all deja vu! I have traveled this exact road, and it always ends at the same place. All I can offer, after all the years and all the mind games, is, "this, too, shall pass". You have taught your son right from wrong. He knows he has you at a disadvantage, and kids love having the upper hand like that with one parent pitted against the other. If he goes, he will feel like he won and can outsmart the adults by the divide and conquer tactics. I pray that no one is hurt, and he returns home intact. But when he wants money for the little extras he takes for granted, I would tell him I was saving for a ski trip, since it was so much fun for them. And the same for DD. In time, they will treat you a little better, and they will respect you for having the courage and love to set limits. In the meantime, take care of yourself and stand your ground. The ex needs to have to deal with Texas authorities, who would arrest him if he failed to pay support for two months. That is a recent development because there are so many parents who don't bother to support their kids.

NO you are not wrong.
You are being a GOOD MOM!
Sounds like ex hubby wants to be the "good buddy"!
YOU ARE 100 % RIGHT!

I think you are right,
maybe when he has kids of his own,
he will look back and see where you are was coming from,
hope you still have your hair and it not all white,
will pray for you, it is hard to raise kids but when you have to do it alone, but remember God is there,
he is there day or night just talk to him,
and it is so nice to have your friends here on Dave Garden,
God Bless you and your son,
Mary_Mi

Joan,
I agree and disagree.I have signed written permission slip for my childern to go on field trips with schools leaving who knows who responsible for my babies. I have also given written permission slips to all of my XDH's realitives stating they have my FULL permisson to sign any medical papers need in the event of something happening while my children are with them-Not all of them are responible-But now they have the documents they need in case of a EMRGENCY!!
I worry every time one of the boyz leave the house-but they are growing up, and I have to loosen the apron strings.
My girlfriend has 2 children under the age of 14 that have just left her home to live with DAD! She is devestated! The main reason they left-they never get to do anything.
Joan-I know its very hard sometimes, but they have to learn on their own-just like we did. Id rather they stay right here at home with me all the time! But thats not happening now that they are growing up!
Good Luck! I am hoping everything will work out for you!

Oh, Joan! Bless your heart! DH has been in your shoes before, being the responsible parent and having to make the unpopular decisions ~ their mother sounds like your ex. I came in on the tail-end of raising them, so didn't have much to do with it except giving DH someone to lean on when he had to stand firm. It was SO hard to watch him cry because his son had just attacked him, both verbally and physically, and then run off to DH's ex, telling tall tales that made her call DH and cuss him out, using the same language she had taught her children to use (they sure didn't learn that from their father!).

It was horrible! But SO worth it. Today, with each of his children with children of their own, they have BOTH came back and told him that they understand what happened, that he was the one that had done right by them. They both APOLOGIZED!!! I was THERE!!! I couldn't bring DH back down to Earth for weeks! LOL! I have also been there when the kids stay in close touch with Dad, letting them know everything that happens in their lives and asking for his help/advice when they need it. The kicker is DH's ex has to call DH or me to find out what's going on in her children's lives! This is where you will be sitting soon.

BTW, yes, you can sign a consent form for someone else to consent to treatment, but even without it hospitals operate under what's called "implied consent" to treat, but only in cases of saving life or limb. Atleast that's the way it is in Texas. I was an EMT for ten years and have treated plenty of children while my partners were getting ahold of the parents. Whether they get ahold of you quickly or it takes a little while, hospitals do whatever they can to help the child, regardless of who is there. I hope that makes you feel better.

I agree with Aimee ~ your EX wouldn't have a driver's license if he did that here. Texas will yank all of the state-issued licenses of a dead-beat parent ~ driver's, sales tax, air conditioning or plumber's, etc. Anything that they have. I also agree with her in her hope that "This too shall pass" QUICKLY! And you can get on to the good part again!

Thank you all so very much. It was a long night, and we didn't find the kids after they took off, but they didn't head for South Dakota either. My son just came in here to talk to me. We both said we were sorry, I got a big hug and he said he understands now where I was coming from, and my EX is definitely going with them tomorrow. I'm really okay with that, but what I wasn't okay with was my 20 year old daughter taking him alone. She is not a responsible person yet, and I can just see her challenging her brother into something he isn't capable of doing, and then thinking it was very funny. I'm sorry that this all happened, and my daughter isn't speaking to me, but maybe this will give her cause to evaluate her actions of the past 5 months and become more responsible.

Thank you all for your support. Thank you Pam, Azalea and Mystic for being with me in the chat room last night when I was having the most problems. I really appreciate it.

Joan

Your daughter will start speaking to you again when she needs groceries or something else. Beore she gets groceries orr whatever, you might just want to continue the little talk that she hung up on. No talkie, no money!