What would you do?

Here's the scenerio:

A while back, when DH started the "we gotta get our bills paid" kick and put us all on a tight budget, I didn't think much of it and we've been doing it. No problem, right? We've all adjusted and it's been going well.

Two nights ago he told me that since interest rates are so low and the price of lumber is down, he wants to order the lumber for a house and built it next summer. He went on and on about how he had talked to his brother, (who is a carpenter by the way), and they have decided that WE can build this house with the help of friends, so the only cost would be the materials, electrician and plumber. We would have to move the mobile home as the house will go in the same spot, but we could still live in it while the house was being built. I'm just sitting there with my mouth hanging open wondering if he had a stroke or something. He finally asked what I thought about it, and here's where I probably made my mistake that started the feud.

I told him that I had put so much work into building gardens last year and I didn't want to have to dig up all the plants people had been so generous to send me and I was really looking forward to seeing them grow and bloom next summer. Well, evidentally that was the WRONG answer.

I know we have to do something as we cannot live in this mobile home for the rest of our lives. But, I don't want to destroy my gardens and all the lovely plants everyone sent me. Plus, I don't want to have to make house payments either. I really think I would rather live in this mobile home for the rest of my life. I think I need therapy or something. What would you do and how would you handle this? I am so new to gardening and I don't know what to do. If he decides to actually go through with this, I won't be able to garden next summer either, as I will have to be busy helping build this house so it's at least partially livable by the time winter sets in.

No gardening next year? NOOOOOOO!!!!! I can't NOT garden next year!

How did my priorities get so messed up? LOL!

Thanks for letting me vent. DH doesn't want to hear about the gardens right now, as you can imagine. They just aren't as important to him I guess.

Joan

oh boy, that's a tough one :o)
really not sure what to say to help you........I wish I knew..........I'm sorry that you are feeling down now and that there is a feud.........give it some time to cool down and maybe you guys can sit down and discuss it all.

every time i put in a new bed or change an existing one, dh always says, you know honey, thats your bedroom, or thats where the toilets gonna be..
i finally told him, look, i can be trailer trash until they bury me, im gonna plant where i want and bloom where im planted.
as far as your concerns, id be more worried about his idea on how to pay for it. you still have to have permits, slab work, etc..do you have house plans yet? youre looking at a good $700. for those. are they required up there?
what about the cost of moving the mobile home? the cost to the electrician to move the wires, telephone etc.
im asking you all of these questions because weve been through it, actually still going through it. we know what we want to build, just dont hae the resources to do it yet.
as far as your gardens go, im sure everyone here would be more than willing to help replace the items youve lost, or will lose, if you do go ahead with the house.
im not sure if ive helped or not, but good luck with!!
jen

Hmmmmm... your DH was probably expecting you to be thrilled with his idea to build you both a house. I imagine you are right that the gardens are not as important to him as they are to you. Do you have room to temporarily 'heel-in' the plants away from the construction site? Or, they could be potted up for a season or two in 1 gallon nursery pots bought by the case of 100 at very reasonable prices. My concern is whether or not that lumber would ever turn into a house... does DH complete his projects? Maybe this will be the begnning of a wonderful collaberation and lovely new home and gardens.

I am sure he meant well and was excited to give you the news of a new house. You plants can be dug up and moved to a spot to keep until you know where you will want them. I know its not the same as getting to see them bloom this year where you planted them but lots of them will still bloom where you move them too. Hey just think you can have a house warming plant party and we can all send you plants for your new garden. lol You can still garden just find the spot out of the way of the construction that you move all your plants too and take care of them there and you can keep adding to it.

Yes, we do have house plans. We designed a house several years ago and had the plans drawn up, but then I got into a car accident and the medical bills piled up, as well as a lot of other things that went wrong in our life and we couldn't build it.

I am concerned about paying for it also, but he thinks it's workable. The mobil home we can move ourselves, we've done it before. He already has the electrician, plumber and all worked into his plan. He's been thinking about this for awhile already, I can tell. He just didn't spring it on me until two days ago.

I've come to the conclusion that I just want things to stay the way they are, and don't want to go through all that. I just have to give myself an attitude adjustment I think. If this wasn't coming just after the bru ha ha with our daughter and during the Christmas stress, I might feel better about it.

Thanks for listening. I know there's many people with more major problems than this, and I'm going to focus on that for the duration of the Christmas season I think.

Joan

Hey Joan your still up. No problem is to small or to large you can't share with friends. Maybe you can tell him to put it on hold until after the holidays and give it a chance to sink in.

Id be glad he built the house. Just make new beds, outta the way of the house plans. Then slowly move these plants, transplant them...and add a few more. Thats part of the fun...making more beds, and stuff. However if I had to leave my house...Id be sad too...but, if I do...Im taking lots of my plants with me. Have hubby to make some nice new beds for you to plant in. You will be okay, and glad for it.

On the purely practical side, he is right on with his timing. The rates are at the lowest in almost 50 years for ordinary loans. It's what many people have waited for but thought they would never see again. Since you already have worked on projects together, and it sounds like they were rather major, you know what to expect as far as his follow-through. It sounds like he has been sounding out his brother for a commitment to help, which is like money in the bank if brother will stick by you. A little pillow talk is in order, and you can tell him of your fears. I think he will find the words to reassure you, and you will be able to let him know what it will take to make this palatable to you. It's a mother's instinct to provide shelter for her babies, and you're just being a good mother when you hesitate. Your plants will survive, and you can always come here to fill in whatever is needed, you know that. You will still have the same house to live in and be able to share this exciting project with your kids as you watch your dream home take shape under your own hands. It will be something that will last in their hearts for the rest of their lives, and they will tell their own kids about the house they helped build. Sure, there will be bad days and not so good days, but that's life. If you ever intend to have a stick house, now is the time. And what a storage building that trailer will be when it's all done! Houses are long term, gardens are always being planted, changed, replanted.

Hi Joan,
We lived in a trailer for twenty odd years before we finally got the farm and house. What I've learned is that gardens move, and move and move again. I'd go along with this, but then I really hated living in the trailer. move your plants off to the side, work with them when you have time. You've put this dream off for a while now and maybe you've just convinced yourself that you have adjusted. Sit down, talk with your DH, explain what worries you, tell him how much the gardens mean to you now and let him help you work out a plan to move them and then move them back. I had plants that lived in pots for years, because I KNEW that we weren't going to live in the trailer forever. It's gone now, the gardens are completely different and will be different again next year. One thing about gardening, it's always a work in progress, but then that's the fun.

I'm sure this will all look better after the holidays when you have time to sit down and do some planning together. I have had two buildings and a new barn sprung on me at various times in our marriage. I'm getting much better at saying ok, let's talk this out a little and see where we're going...

And, if you need any plants later on, give me a yell - I've got a lot of stuff!!

I feel for you as this is truly a problem with no easy answer. Is there another place on the land that you could put the home? Could you move it forward, backward or over to the side. There has to be a solution. Just remain calm and get out in the yard and take a look. GOOD LUCK (((HUGS)))

I have to agree that you two should discuss your dreams and fears concerning this. I also have a feeling that your hubby wanted to get rid of the debts in order to surprise you with a gift like this. Our house was a fixer-upper and my fiance put in long hours, because it was his way of expressing his love for me. You are lucky to have such a wonderful man and flower/plants can be always be replaced, but a good man can't.

Joan... That's a tough one, and I am a Builder.... but also a Gardener. I have been a builder much longer than a gardener, but in 3-4 years of gardening, I find that I constantly move plants in trying to make my garden better, so making the move your husband suggests would only help my gardens in the long run. I do plan to add on to my house soon (As soon as I win the NC Lottery, LOL!), which will mean lots of work just on the house, not counting the time taken away from my gardens, or to re-do my gardens later.

Rates are so good now, that it makes sense to build if you can, unless you plan to win the ND Lottery later. As much as you seem to want no disruption, you might find you like living in a house much better than a trailer. Economics like heating and cooling costs are one reason, and vulnerability of trailers to bad storms another.

And, just look at the opportunities to re-do your gardens. You said you are a new gardener, and IF you have made any mistakes (we ALL do!) then what an opportunity to re-do and fine-tune it!

So much excellent advice above that I really can't add to it except to say that I know what it's like to leave gardens behind. I was terribly unhappy when I left my home in England having worked on the house and garden and spent many pounds converting the brick barn but here I am starting all over again on brand new terrain. Life is a journey and sometimes you have to go with the flow. Give yourself some time to think about the marvellous possibilities. If this grandmother can do it, so can you!!! Have a wonderful Christmas :-)

Thank you all so much for all your input. I have thought about it a lot, and I think it is something that DH really wants to do. And I think that maybe Carol7 is right that when he implemented the strict budget to get rid of our debts, he was already thinking about this. So, I have decided to visit with DH about this some more and we'll see what we can come up with. It is scary in the summer when we get storms and 2 years ago I took pictures of a tornado from the deck! Yikes! I don't know what I was thinking, but I got some great pictures and the tornado never touched ground, thank goodness. I have lived in a trailer most of my life, and the only real house I've ever lived in was my parents house. That's something that's never been a big thing to me I guess. Tonight I'm going to suggest to DH that we get the house plans out and look at them again, and set up an appointment to see how friendly our banker is going to be. Then, we can go from there.

Thank you all so much for your help. I needed to get this out of my system and this is how I did it. I am getting things put into perspective now I think, and getting over the shock of it all. I know he wants to do something nice and I feel so very ungrateful, but I'm really not. I think I'm more scared than anything. The world is in such an uproar right now that you never know what might happen.

Okay, I'm off to get a nice candlelight supper ready I think! Peace offering! LOL!

Joan

Enjoy your supper Joan and be happy always. There's nothing wrong with being scared - we have all felt that way sometime or another :-)

Know what? I'd go along with him and build the house. I know it is not an easy thing to do, but , remember, he is doing the work himself, and you really can cut back on some stuff to make the house built. We did it about 20 years ago and I really worried then I decided , well we have never lost anything yet and what do I want security and a good credit rating or a good marriage and well, you know we got both. It was not easy and we had to work our tails off because doing the work is mighty hard especially if you have full time jobs and kids at home. but we really enjoyed building our home, and we had to forego some of the really great things we wanted to get the bank to go along with our loan and by the way now is the time to finance a home rates are low, and it will all be ok, all i wanted was walls between the rooms and doors to the outside turns out the best thing we ever did tho i lost an awful lot of sleep but all was okay. Our new house still seems new to me because we change all the time. You will be fine just make up your mind it will happen and it will. Good luck and God Bless and I've been there and we took the high road and believe me, it turned out just fine for us. Flowers can be moved and in fact you will be so excited to landscape your new house, tho we had to do it very little at a time because we still had four kids at home. It takes a lot of hard work but for us it was the best thing that happened to us.

We did finally get a chance to sit down and talk about this again tonight. I made a nice supper, candles, wine, the whole nine yards. DH got home, and we had just sat down when he got called out to work again. He didn't have to be gone too long though and was back. We had a very nice evening and I told him all that I was thinking, fears and all. We finally agreed to persue this further, but we would keep an open mind as to each others feelings and worries. He's been much happier tonight.

Thank you all for your help with my worries. You are all great!

Joan