CLOSED: No Reply

I'm not being argumentative or saying Dave's is not like a family. Nor am I singling you out..Once again...Too many emotions in a non-emotional situation.

I'm going to be Blunt.

1. When a thread is started it does open the door to responses.
2. So what if a person doesn't respond to every person who writes something on the thread!!
3. I think it's wrong for you to dictate how that person should handle their thread? It's their life!
4. No one is trying to be Rude. Damned if you Do...Damned if you Don't.

Too many emotions in a non-emotional situation.

I don't have time for all that responding to every last single person that responds to a thread. Some people have more things in their life to do then to go through all that..I recently put up an ad for employment for my husbands business. We had over 200 responses. But we were only looking for 1 person (the right person). I edited the Ad and wrote "Job Fulfilled"

C'mon now...Do you really think I contacted 200 people to tell them Thanks for a response but We wont be needing you?????

Too many emotions in a non-emotional situation.

My Point is: If I have 5 responses on a thread..I need to choose the person I'm trading with (if any). I'm going to set up the trade with he/she and move on! Close the thread..Which says enough. Who is to debate with me how I have handled my own thread. When I have actually done anything wrong?

One again...Too many emotions in a non-emotional situation!!

Every person that has all these emotions and hurt feelings over NO RESPONSES really need to get a grip, consider that everyone is different, every lifestyle is different...doesn't make them rude. It just makes them Not doing what YOU think they should be doing.

Too many emotions in a non-emotional situation.

What's Rude and Wrong? If I set up a Trade with a DG Member and they send their end of the trade and I sent Nothing in Return
"EVER".

Too many emotions in a non-emotional situation.
Too many emotions in a non-emotional situation.
Too many emotions in a non-emotional situation.

I'm afraid I might be guilty of not answering some because some times I get busy and forget...."Old Timers Disease" So if I've done that to anyone please don't be shy..."poke me" and say"Hey,did you forget about me?" because I probably did. I get up every day in a brand new world*G*

P

Let me chime in here.I totally agree with perenniallyme and Imzadi.

I have been a member for 6 years and it also has happened to me NUMEROUS times in those years that I answer a post,not necessarily about a trade but replies were written to every one but me.I was skipped right over and like I said it happened quite often that I don't even post too many times anymore.WHAT does that tell you ? that my feelings were hurt ? yes of course ! One begins to wonder after a while ...is it my screen name ? is it my real name ? is it how I look or where/how I live ?

I also noticed that some thread starters have multiply replies immediately,some others are mostly ignored or only a couple of people reply.

To tell some one to get over it ? yes it is not a life and death situation .But what is important to one person is not necessarily to another.Feelings can not or should not be dictated by someone else,we all are emotional on different levels depending on personal circumstances,experiences ,how we were raised and so many other factors.

MY outlook in life and always has been to be the best person and friend I can be.To be the best wife,mother and grandmother to almost 14 grandchildren.I taught our children manners,kindness,love of animals and respect for other nationalities and religions.

We only have one world and one life to live in.Only one chance !!
Happy gardening,
Brigitte

if we are to emotional about our feelings then why do you put your 2 cents into threads like this and fight back???? is that not getting emotional about something??? you are defending yourself????? hello now who is getting emotional????

if you aren't emotional and distant then why start threads like my 2 cents worth??? don't judge people when you sit there and do the same thing by getting emotional about how people pack things, trade or don't trade with you and hold up their end of the bargain.

you cant tell us not to be emotional then you be emotional about things you don't like. that's calling the kettle black as gram used to say. you cant have the cake and eat it too.

you have an opinion that's fine let everyone else have one too. dont judge because you don't like what others are saying. if you have a say then let others have the same.


This message was edited Jun 17, 2010 7:24 AM

LOL ...we posted the same time.

yea we did well on a brite note i am off for awhile to go to a big plant sale. so hoping i dont spend over my budget. hehe haha right! i know. hehe

Trading should be fun. If you take it too personally and get your feelings hurt because someone doesn't respond to your trade offer, you yourself take the fun out of trading. So what if you don't get a response. After a couple of days, you KNOW the answer. Do you really need it spelled out for you? Do you REALLY need to hear "no thanks"? Can you not figure out that no response is "no thanks"?

And why dwell on it so much? Is it REALLY that important to you? I don't know about you, but I have much more serious issues in my life--my own health, my brother's declining health, my parents' declining health, even my 12 yr old dog's declining health, and my 14 yr old van trying to die on me. Someone not answering my dmail or trade offer is the very least of my worries. If I don't get an answer in a couple of days, I just move on. There are more people to trade with and even better plants to acquire, and I don't have a problem at all with Googling stores where I can buy what I want.

I've had experiences like KathyAnn's where people chew me out for saying "No thanks". Often people are offering me ONE plant they think I want and I just don't do small trades. It's a waste of my time and postage because I can usually buy that one plant they're offering easier and cheaper than digging up a prized plant and shipping it to them in exchange.

I also state in my trade posts "No Plants for Postage" and still I get many requests for plants for postage. If I wanted to GIVE my plants away, I can freecycle them right here in my city and require that THEY dig the plants themselves. On another forum, I was publicly chewed out for telling someone I wouldn't send her free plants. I was called rude, selfish, and lacking a gardener's heart. So forgive me if I'm not inclined to "be polite" and send "no thanks" letters anymore. If people want to think I'm rude, that's fine. I can't control what people think of me, and honestly I don't care. If people have ill thoughts of me over this silly stuff, it really says more about their immaturity or insecurity than it does me.

So to sum it up, if you don't get a response in a couple of days, consider it a "no thanks" and simply move on. Why do you really care what anonymous people on a garden group do anyway? Surely you have bigger life issues to contend with? If not, come share my load a while.

I'll add my two cents in here also,

I've responded to some with a negative response, but have had some horrible experiences with them, one actually followed me to every forum that I posted on and offered whatever I asked for, even though I did not want to trade with this person and told her so. She still did that. I kept on saying "NO Thank you" and she finally got so mad that when she saw me post on other threads, her comments got so derogatory that the thread had to be removed.

Not everyone can take NO for an answer. So, I think at times it is best to ignore the dmail. You can't tell when the other person takes things personal, and yes it is the internet, not your family that you are dealing with, remember they are not always there mentally. There are stalkers and they NEVER forget whatever they think you did to them, so you always have to be afraid of these dingbats that follow you around.

This has happened to me at least three times here, so I am speaking from experience.. and is happening to friends of mine too. I don't know what it is that strangers seem to think you owe them something.

None of my words insinuate what you have said above...and I have stated several times that I am not being argumentative. I am not fighting back but merely stating my viewpoint and reasoning on everyones statements. There is no fight or defense here with me.

You seem not to be understanding what I'm saying.

ONCE AGAIN...Too emotional and too many personal feelings are being applied to Who responds and who trades with you. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. If you met and saw my face and mannerism...hear me speak..knew me as a friend..You would feel different. I am not unemotional, unsensitive, rude, or any of the things you may think. These are things ONLY perceived by people on the internet. Not people who KNOW me...see my face...hear my voice...

I hope you all understand what I'm trying to say.

Sated by imazdi: hello now who is getting emotional????

In my opinion Ummmmmm You are...that's my answer to this question! LOL

VERY WELL SPOKEN

VERY WELL SPOKEN

This message was edited Jun 17, 2010 10:16 AM

OH no :-)) Kathy what did you say to delete everything ?

So what do you suggest to us folks who've been slammed by people by us saying no to trading. would you suggest that we were nasty to them to get this kind of response? NO. there are more and more coming forward and saying that they have been delt with this way by saying no they weren't interested. You have to understand both ways and why some of us don't answer dmails. If youwant to call them Rude. then you should do it in your dmail . WE all have our reasons for not answering dmails. It's not fair to judge or call someone rude when we've been through this. and by calling them rude, your calling anybody and everybody Rude and self centered who's done this in the past. You don't know everybody's situation. and like it's been said many times before, it's trivial .

Kim_M,
I know you didn't address me and skipped over my post but could I ask you how to put that square line around something you copied and pasted ?
Thanks.

LOL you hit the quote button and then you can post under neath that quote. kind of cool!

OK Kathy,
this is really cool.
step by step please hahaha...is that the " button ? but I still obviously have to copy and paste ?

you hit the quote button under that person's name. and a box will come up with their post in side a box. down below that is a box t hat you can type in.

you'll have to scroll down to not disturb their post if you remove anything in their post it won't put it in a box.

type up under neath what is already typed in the box.

just scroll down and you'll see where you can type. i'm not too good at explaining things , hope this helps, I just figured out how to do this myself not long ago.

Thanks,
will have to practice......have to go get food for our animals..RAINY day and I much rather stay inside but but but....you know how that goes with responsibilities with animals.I procrastinated enough.

Eglantyne, thanks for your support.
Butterflychaser, for me this is more about feeling angry than hurt. (And to a request for plants for postage, from a stranger, I have said something like "If I wanted to give my plants away, I have neighbors, friends and family who'd like them, and I wouldn't have to take the time to package them and stand in line for an hour at the post office."
I am now aware, as I wasn't before, that there are a lot of crazy people around here, who feel entitled to other people's plants, and will bug and stalk them, and that this is a reason that some people don't respond to trading emails. I do, however, resent being put in that possible category before being declined by a "Sorry, not interested" to which I'd reply. "Okay. Thanks."
Kim, you keep saying "This is the internet", as if it's not still human beings relating with other human beings. Yes, it's certainly different than relating in person, but I don't see any justification for treating a person less well because it's the internet, unless that specific person has given you a reason to treat them less well.

perenniallyme-i am glad you got what was bothering you off your chest--everyone likes to vent sometimes-- i will be sure not to vent on dave's however

Sharon...

You stated: "but I don't see any justification for treating a person less well because it's the internet"

I still don't believe you may be understading what I'm saying. By the statements you are making. I have NEVER stated or insinuated that we are not real people with real feelings.

Once again...Being that you are not dealing with people face to face..words can be preceived differently. And feeling less because someone has not answered a thread or dmail. Is TOO SENSITIVE considering the situation..

No more words on this thread for me...

The biggest mistake people make is that they go into looking to trade with too high of expectations. When I first tried to trade I got maybe 1 out of 10 dmails responded to. I learned very fast not to set my hopes high. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't, oh well. I have enough problems and challenges on my own in my life to let something like that upset me. I have bigger fish to fry.

Some people die, some get sick, some move, some have babies, some computers crash, some stop gardening, power shut off, got fired, got overwhelmed, had a bad day, week, month. There are a million reasons why and why not. Not everyone has the same upbringing, same education, same wealth, same manners, same amount of time to spend on this.

To expect anything is just setting yourself up for disappointment. There will never come a day when everyone is alike and if there comes such a day, who should choose how it should be? Since the majority prefers not to respond or not to be nice, does that mean you should have to follow them? Don't expect them to follow you.

I try to be a giver. My mother taught me young to help others. We were dirt poor and had nothing yet she would do anything for anyone in need. I live by that. If someone cannot afford to do a large project that they really need and it will make their life better, I do it for them for free. I am still poor yet I do for others before doing for myself. That is why I have stayed poor. Many times I do this to the point of exhaustion and I get sick from it but I never ask for anything in return. Sometimes people abuse this, become greedy and want more and more and more.

If I am exhausted and sick from helping others in this way and I miss some messages or forget something, does that make me a rude or bad person?

I don't expect other people to do what I do and put others needs before themselves. You can only try to remain true to yourself and your values. Try to learn from your experiences and not to let them upset you and disrupt your life when they are not as you wish they were. I wish more people would help each other but I accept that most people will not. Just because you are not like me in doing construction and repair jobs for friends and strangers for free, I still know that you are human, you have feelings and values.

I do wish the best for you and that things go smoother for you on this matter. I just hope that you can see by what I have said that just because a message was not responded to, it doesn't mean anything. You can never know why and it could be any reason. That can never be changed and must be accepted as such. I wish the world was a nicer place too but I can only do so much and just because it isn't, that won't change me, that won't upset me and I will just have to live here anyways and keep doing what I can to make it better for some.

The last time I told someone I wasn't interested in trading with them they were so rude, putout and nasty they ended up giving me bad feedback and trashing me everywhere and that wasn't the first time that has happened .. I've cured that problem and deleted my Have list. Also there is nothing worse then having an Inbox with numerous dmails with "Trade" in the subject line. I always make it a point when I'm offering up plants or seeds in the forums to insist that people put the name of the plant they are interested in and stated that any dmails I get with "Trade" in the subject line will probably be ignored and yet people will dmail me with "Trade" in the subject line even though I specifically asked them NOT to do it. When I had my Have list up that was the very first entry on my list. Do NOT put Trade in the subject line .. yet I still got lots of them.

I also deleted my 'seed' list. People would write me out of the blue with these long 'shopping list' from my seed list. And most had nothing to offer in return. Some I didn't answer at all and those that I did would be mad because I wouldn't just give things away.
Plants and seeds do cost money and if you offer to trade extra's you do have the right
to expect something of equal value in return.
Pam

I too have deleted my trade list here because of the nasty remarks I get from people.

I reply to all D-mails for trades but I'm not upset when mine are ignored. I just chalk it up to life getting in the way.

Kim M- you claim to not have strong emotions in your post but the use of bold face letters and underlining sure doesn't read that way. It seems as if you think only your opinion is important. No wonder you elicit angry responses. You might want to rethink how you write your posts. This is coming from someone who agrees with you. I can imagine what is thought by others on the other side of this debate.

mao

I try to be a giver. My mother taught me young to help others. We were dirt poor and had nothing yet she would do anything for anyone in need. I live by that. If someone cannot afford to do a large project that they really need and it will make their life better, I do it for them for free.

I tried to put a square around the above post by franklin, but not sure if it's going to work or not.

Thank you. My dad was raised poor with 15 children in the family. I still remember taking a bath in a washtub and having to use an outhouse. Even though the old house caught on fire when I was 7 yrs. old and resulted in the siblings building a new house with running water, I don't regret my experiences and wouldn't change a thing. I think it cultivates who a person becomes. My grandparents gave everything they could to their family and others. The thing I remember most about them is the love that was felt and how much fun it was/is to be around the family. They are still a close knit family.

I can say that I am very blessed in my life now. I hope the giving part of me never stops.



This message was edited Jun 17, 2010 4:02 PM

Please don't take this wrong....
I have responded to requests thinking the person might want to trade and have gotten "no thank you's" and "I already got it". Ok great. Then I have seen the same person ask for a trade for something different. OK...maybe They need this one still and I have that, so I would respond. Or maybe even I forgot I alreadt asked once!!! Again a No Thanks. Well...guess I just really didn't get the message but there was never any intent on my part to be "stalking". I think most of us that are interested in the same kinds of plants look at the same forums and so we are going to keep running across each other.... a lot. I understand there are a few people that don't want to trade with me due to some bad feedback or an earlier trade that wasn't satisfactory to them. I don't particularly understand why a trader won't allow a trader try to make it up to them. I am a laid back person and I don't like arguing. It takes a lot to make me angry. There are others here that get upset and let it eat up their mind with anger and others that are just really more outspoken than others by nature.
If I do a bad trade, I try to make it up. If I get a bad trade, I try to let the other person make it up. I have had some I just let go.... and swallowed it.
I am sorry perenniallyme that this makes you so upset. I think all of us get them. If I dmail some with an offer for a trade and don't hear back from them, after about a month, I just delete my email to them from my inbox and don't worry about it.
If you have a bad trade, give the other person a chance. We all make mistakes.
Last fall I suddenly became ill and could no longer dig. It has been a LONG time and I am just now getting to the point where I can do those last trades. I have had people pretty much call me a liar about my health...do they want a copy of my many Drs. reports??
We all have problems and you never know when something will happen to you.
Just my two cents. I really hope no one is offended by my statements. They are not meant to be offensive to anyone. Is often difficult to express true feelings by words over the internet. Benefit of a doubt.
All for me here.
A good day to all!!!
I was packing plants when all of my packing notes blew away and I was too stupid to put the names on them ( I had each stuck in the box that the plant was supposed to go in.) Now I don't know who gets what. SO...I am here at the library again...I went through my dmails again and got them figured out. I CAN DIG SOME AGAIN!!! Just in small does while it is hot.
I got two pkgs. mailed out this am and after this long, even though I feel distraught at how long it has been, I am proud that I am keeping my promises.

This message was edited Jun 18, 2010 7:42 AM

This message was edited Jun 18, 2010 7:42 AM

Guilty as charged... I have at times not responded to dmail. Does that make me rude? I shouldn't like to think so. But if it is perceived as such, I certainly apologize. I love to trade and am I think, a good trader. Gardening is my life, but I also have a life outside of gardening, and that life is very full. Things come up, I forget things AND I have health issues. Not excuses, but facts. I too have d-mailed folks and gotten no reply--So what!!--life goes on and I move on. I love you all, but life is too short to spend it being p@#$$%^d off or being p@#$$%^d on.

I just have to wonder why someone puts so much meaning into a lack of response. It seems odd to me. Have you ever Freecycled? On Freecycle, if someone offers something, they generally only respond to the only person they want to give the item to. They often don't respond to everyone who asked for the item. Then they mark the item closed by posting a "TAKEN" post. You wouldn't believe how many people even still continue to ask for the thing that has already been taken.

If not getting a response from a DGer upsets you so, you must have a pretty easy life for something so trivial to bother you. Try volunteering with a cancer support group and see how your viewpoint changes.

I can completely relate and I agree with Hillbilly_Gran. I've also not answered dmails and had some I sent not answered. No big deal too me. I don't take it personal. I have no way of telling what's going on in someone else's life. Life gets in the way of things I want to do all the time, and I assume it does for others as well.

My detailed responses to many of you were sent into hyperspace and vanished after I clicked "send", and I just don't have the energy to try to repeat them, as I'm still extremely tired from being sick, so please don't feel offended if I don't answer what you've said. This thread seems to have taken on a life of it's own.

I didn't mean for this issue to appear to be the main focus of my life. It certainly isn't. I brought it up because I was miffed about it, and wanted to express my feelings about it, but obviously there are a lot of sore spots with a lot of people over trading issues.
I just want to reiterate that it is not being turned down for trading that bothers me. Trading is just not that important, and I really don't do a whole lot of it. It is the attitude of people who don't bother to respond that irritated me, which is why I started this thread.
Now that I've had a chance to express myself and hear how others feel about this issue, I'm no longer feeling irritated by it.
So thank you all for your thoughts and feelings.

Estrail1rider, since you've appeared here on this thread, I will ask that you remove your retaliatory comment in feedback that I sent you nothing, as I still have your dmails acknowledging receipt of the large hellebore, dwarf iris, and many other plants I sent you in that trade.

if not getting a response from a DGer upsets you so, you must have a pretty easy life for something so trivial to bother you. Try volunteering with a cancer support group and see how your viewpoint changes.--from butterfly chaser

perenniallyme problably has a busy life the same as you --don't assume you know all about her --not nice at all

Maybe it's time to step back and smell the roses.

I wish I had some roses to smell! LOL got everything else here.

I agree, time to close out this thread. we'll just move on to some trades yippee! Like I need more plants.

good idea kathy--

This message was edited Jun 18, 2010 7:45 AM

have a good day!

This message was edited Jun 18, 2010 5:16 AM