So, my mother is dying. She's had cancer for 10 years, but she took a big turn for the worse a couple of weeks ago. She lives in MA (with my dad, who provides 24/7 nursing care), but my sister and I live in WV. I spent last week up there, and my sister is leaving Wednesday for two weeks, and we will continue tag-teaming it until we can either bring my mom down here to WV or she passes away.
I came back last night and all I wanted to do was work in my garden. My greens are starting to come up, and it's time to plant my peas. At one point I actually laid down in my garden and felt relaxed for the first time in I don't know how long. Could have napped right out there in the dirt. Is this weird?
Anyway, thanks for listening. :)
pam
Don't really need advice, just want to talk
Oh - so sorry to hear this, Pam. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your mom and family.
Yes - the garden can be very healing - in so many different ways. As I have said a few times before, it really helped me after 9/11.
Ive been there too Pam.
You WILL survive. It's very stressful,hope your dad is co-operatring.
We're herewhen you need to just unload.
Oh, Pam, I'm glad you know that we ARE here for you. What a heartache. I know just how you feel. All the different strings pulling you this way and that and you know where to go to feel some peace - in the dirt. Hopefully your dad will take some time for himself. That's so important. Will definitely be praying for you family.
HUGS,
Jan
Pam, sorry to hear that...my fil took care of my mil while going thru leukemia...make sure your dad takes time for himself and if needed bring in hospice, they are wonderful!
Vent away dear Pam and know that we will listen. I found that to be one of my greatest helps when I went through the same thing. We DO understand. Barb
Yes - I second Jen's hospice advice. They help so much - not just the patient, but the family.
so sorry to hear that.... and no it's not weird.. let the plants soak up your stress... they will grow better with all that energy
prayers are with you... hugs
I can't believe I didn't mention hospice. It is a wonderful agency. Thinking of you today.
I took a course in death in college and interviewed a hospice worker - it was wonderful.
wow that's deep Victor
Thank you so much everyone
My dad called this afternoon...my mom has been hospitalized and is no longer coherent. My sister and I are dropping everything and leaving for MA tomorrow. My sister is sobbing like a normal person and I'm completely numb and doing laundry. And, obviously, surfing the net. I don't think this is normal.
Pam
I'm sorry your Mom took a turn for the worse, but 10 years of fight is something to admire! Your Dad has a rough road but it sounds like he loves her very much and he wouldn't want it any other way. You have to admire him too for his love, devotion and willingness.....however, for his OWN health, I too have to recomend Hospice. They take some of the hardship off, none of this will be easy but they at least are knowlegable in this area. They know whats going to happen and can prepare you as a family for what to expect next. I can't say enough about how wonderful, and kind, and caring the people that work for them are.
Keeping your family in my prayers,
Celeste
Geez...while I was typing you were. I'm soooooo sorry Pam!
Sorry to hear that, Pam. All the best.
Safe trip good you can be there for your dad. Don't be hard on yourself everyone responds different to stress and sadness.
Just talking and typing and reaching out to friends is completely normal. Know that you and your family will be thought of. Have a safe trip. Please check in with us to let us help support you.
have a safe trip... and yes we all handle these things differently... you and your family will be in our thoughts & prayers
I'm so sorry Pam. Have a safe trip. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Eleanor
Very sorry to hear about this, Pam. I know it's tough. My dear Mom died of cancer in August of 2001. I miss her so much. I live with my elderly Dad now, and my youngest sister and I help him out. I tend and improve and expand the gardens my mother lovingly put in here, and I think of her often. She is rarely far from my thoughts. I miss her a lot and often wish she were here to enjoy all this with me, though I know she is looking in on my efforts from the afterlife. That is a comfort to me.
Pam, being numb is normal. Everyone grieves differently. I don't feel like I ever properly grieved for my mother. I never cried much, anyhow. I felt like I never could. When everyone was in tears at the memorial service I couldn't cry. I've shed a few tears off and on, but that's it. I don't know, maybe because I believe so strongly that she lives on and I will see here again someday, maybe that's why I have not grieved so strongly as others in my family have. I also kept telling myself, around the time she was dying, that I just don't have time for tears. I couldn't let myself break down, because life goes on, and I needed to be strong to cope.
Karen
When my Dad passed, it was nearly twenty years until my brother broke down and cried. He had held all the pain and the guilt we all feel deep inside him for all those years. It does truly help but each in their own time. My thoughts and prayers are for you and your family.
Pam, remember to eat and drink and breathe. I agree with the recomendations for Hospice. They are wonderful.
Pam, please don't judge your own feelings. Feelings have a life of their own. DH's oldest brother died about six weeks ago, and DH didn't even blink, he went to class and work and was tough. About 4 days later he fell apart and couldn't stop crying.
All of which is to say your grief is YOURS, and even you don't get to choose the form it takes. Please take care of yourself, in terms of eating and sleeping etc. Where in MA is your dad? Maybe some of us are nearby and can help out...
And finally, YOU POOR BABY! (((Pam.)))
This message was edited Mar 25, 2009 10:56 AM
My best wishes to your Mom. It's not at all unusual to have a place to go to find peace and contentment. If your Mom does pass away I hope she is taken peacefully and painlessly. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Carrie sorry to hear about dh's brother.
Turns out the hospital has wireless...
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. My mom has been stabilized, but she's suffering from lesion-induced paranoid delusions so we're all sort of living in an alternate universe right now. Still trying to figure out a plan, the situation changes hourly. We're looking into hospice, I think we all could use the help.
Yeah, eating and sleeping have been sporadic, to say the least. I gave up breathing, it was too much trouble.
I brought my seed catalogs to read in the hospital. :)
Thanks again everyone, your messages help immensely.
pam
Hang in there, Pam! My best.
We're there with you Pam. Love and hugs to your family. and yes hospice is Wonderful. Barb
Warmest wishes for your family as decisions are made. Uplifting you daily.
Thankfully you have wireless access and your 'reading' material.
Hugs
You are running on automatic pilot Pam. I did the same when my mother was ill and I was the only family member
available to manage her care. After she died I went to work each day and was fine but came home every night and
broke down. That went on for a very long time.
Your garden will be your sanctuary and help you tremendously. A month or so after her death, I looked around my
yard and actually saw it for the first time in months and realized my friends the moles had come back while my head
had been elsewhere. So it all goes on with or without us.
I hope your Mom is not suffering and that you and your family will find the strength you need.
Pam I hope your Mom is at least pain free and I know your not.
Hang in there and know that we are all here should you need us. I hope your find comfort and strength to continue this rough road. Good luck and God Bless.
Celeste
(((((Hugs)))) for ya Pam
(((Pam))) We're all holding you in our hearts as you go through this difficult time.
Thanks, Jen. They had been sort of estranged for years, and then DH went and tracked him down last summer, so that was nice that they got to talk.
Carrie is totally right, you don't get to choose what form your grief takes. I don't know if I've properly grieved my mother or not. Everyone is different and handles things in a different way. I guess even we don't know how we handle things according to our own personal situations.
Karen
I am one who cries at the drop of a hat, but 10 years ago when my dad died I hardly shed a tear, especially on the day of the memorial, but since then, I've broken down several times when thinking about him. Yep, our grief takes very different paths.
HUGS
Pam, I'm so sorry to hear about this, and I will keep you, your Mom and Dad and your sister and families in my prayers. There is nothing unusual or wierd about how you are reacting.....in fact, it sounds very normal to me. Sending you big hugs. Hospice will help immensely.
Louise
Sorry I am responding to this after ONLY reading your first post.....I am sorry to hear about everything you have been going through.....I can't even imagine how tough it has been on you......Thinking of you.
Just checking in this morning to let you know we are thinking of you.
((((Pam))))