One Day at A Time

This thread is for those of use who need/want inspiration, introspection, and a safe place to vent, or for support. Based on people who live or have lived with dysfunctional, mentally ill, alcoholic &/or addictive people. Here we can share life's challenges that come with the impact these loved ones have on our souls, the good, the bad & the .........

Please share as much as you wish.

Post a thought for the day or hour.

Please limit advice giving, and do share your experience, wisdom, hope & tools you have discovered to be of benefit to improving the quality of your life.

Join Us!

Intentionally left blank

I'm really good at complaining! My youngest daughter Lisa, is in Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville. She has no insurance. She has a bad infection in both her ears. both are seeping blood and pus. Her oxygen was 70 when she got there. She's morbidly obese, diabetic, copd, high blood pressure. The immediately put her on oxygen.
I can't get news about her, my family sucks. They wont answer my calls, the grandkids stay on the phone all day till the phone battery runs down. My daughters live together with my oldest kids, 18 and 20. Neither one wants to do anything to help with housework, dishes, etc. Lisa pays the rent. Lynn wont even buy lightbulbs, but she buys a new pc and big screen tv which she put in her room. She pays for her oldest, married son's meds because he can't work, he's mentally challenged. He takes strong meds and has to have them. HE'S NOT INSURED, EITHER. Sorry about caps.
I had to see an orthepedic Dr. this morning and got 2 injections in my right knee. The xrays didn't show clearly what's wrong, so I may have to get an mri. I go back in 2 weeks.

I can appreciate family enablers. My middle step son, 30 y/o, is bipolar & very intelligent; hence he has figured out how to manipulate most of us. No one is willing to let him fall, but always catches him just before he may have to go out and get a real job, or take responsibility for himself or his actions. Up until yesterday he was to move in with his father & me. I made it clear there would be some tough love going on. Last night I discovered his Grandfather is housing him, for the time being. Once again, he evaded the self responsibility bullet.
I also have an obese diabetic sister who hasn't done real well for herself in the taking care of herself or her family department.

Sonoita, that's a really pretty picture to start this thread. I assume you took it? Doe, it sounds like a bad day. Family can be real interesting. Sonoita, I have a 30 year old nephew who is bi-polar and has many problems with self-responsibility, jobs and daily living. His parents pretty much baby him. He lives with them in the basement of the house. Is that classic? I don't know much about that particular condition but it seems to me that once a person is being treated and in therapy there would be some expectation of improvement. Though, in his case I sure don't see much. Glad you got through the holidays o.k.

oh my.... I could go on and on....but will limit this post to my current sitiuation with my oldest son. (I guess what doesnt break us makes us stronger right?!)
My son has battled mental issues since he was about 5. I thought it was due to the divorce of his father (while pregnant with him) but he was getting mixed messages from both households and I put him in therapy. when he was 16, he started using street drugs, mainly marajuana. I have a VERY tough love approach to street drugs, as I am a recovering alcoholic. I took him to therapy, etc.... and he told a therapist that he was hearing voices.... I assumed he was tryng to get a better pill to take that would make him feel high.

now, he is 21, and in the past 3 years.... he has been going down hill fast! He has been homeless for the past 1 1/2 yrs, and again, I assumed the paranoia was due to his drug use.

The day after thanksgiving this year, he showed up at his grandmothers home- he had just gotten out of a 2 mo stint in jail a few days earlier. He was in dire straights physically. He had no knowledge of where he was, or how he got there. He couldnt use his right side at all. We assumed he had a stroke and they rushed him to the hospital. They had to put him in a drug induced coma in order to do a cat scan on him. the good news is no stroke. however they are now saying that there may be some neurological damage to his brain. The bad news is, he is diagnosed paranoid schitophrentic and is paranoid of the medication. He was in a county hospital from 11/28 to 12/19. They had to get a court order to administer drugs to him. 4 days later, they released him to me with 10 pills and told me to follow up at a local county facility to get an extension on the medicine.
I made the mistake of reading up on the meds.....he is on zyprexa. my son has hardening of the arteries disease (diagnosed at 14) and they put him on the worst meds they could! zyprexa makes your good cholestrol higher...which meant that he is now a walking heart attack! I read the stuff out loud to him, not realizing the scope of his disease.

anyhow, I gave him his meds that night, but apparently he tucked them under his tongue and spit them out later. he was home all of 4 hours and we had to 5150 him right back to the county hospital. Right now, 12 days later, he is still refusing to take the meds, so the county hospital is trying to get a court order to administer them. I have tried to call his doc, to tell him my son has hardening of the arteries disease and shouldnt take that medicine, but my son is paranoid of pens....he thinks they are possessed by the devil, so he wont sign the form saying I can have access to his medical info. so docs and nurses wont talk to me. my hands are kinda tied right now which is really frustrating! I cant visit him because I just had a hysterectomy, and he is in with general population...other patients are often throwing things, etc.... so I cant chance getting hurt. He wont talk on the phone because he thinks people are listening to the conversation.... anyhow, like I said.... very frustrating and I could go on and on!

so, my topic would be LET GO AND LET GOD

I do know that God got my son over to his grandmas house for help that day. I know god has a plan. I just get confused on where I should be just doing the footwork and letting God take care of the outcome....

AnjL

{{{{ Anjl }}}}}
After hearing your holiday story, in hind sight mine was GREAT!
On a serious note, the state has attorneys who's job is to advocate for you and your son. He is mentally unfit to make healthy decisions for himself therefore is eligible for someone to become his 'power of attorney'. It could be you, or anyone else who has his best interest at heart, and is objective. I have set such actions in motion with elderly patients of mine who were suffering from dementia.

LET GO LET GOD
For the past 10 years I thought I was letting go, but I was following a new path of co dependence. I looked the other way and told myself it was letting go. This past year has been all about opening my eyes to the co dependant dance I have been doing with my DH and unraveling the destruction it has caused. This year, today, I am on the path of relearning what 'let go let god' really means, this time around.

That's a hard one. I mean, to know how much to let go. Or if one is really giving it up to God or just avoiding the issue. Sonoita, good topic. Could you say more about that? In my situation I want to be compassionate but also have to know where to draw the line. I have had counseling and read books about this, so it isn't really advice that I want but more like discussion and experiences, which it seems to me this thread is about. What does "Let go. Let God" really mean?

It actually means that I am powerless over the things I can not control and recognize that fact and pray to God for his aid and comfort.

Worth remembering.

There is a woman by the name of Byron Katie who teaches about such things, it's called "the work".
http://www.thework.com/index.asp
She has and exercise that I find helpful; "There are only three kinds of business: Mine, Yours & Gods (God as you understand the idea of God)
If I am living someone elses business, there is no one there for me. Only I can live my business. To assume that I know what's best for you is pure arrogance. In the long run, can I really know more than you or God about your life & welfare? This arrogance brings me tension, worry and anxiety."

This helps me to remember that I am powerless over everyone and thing except me. Other peoples lives are about their relationship with themselves and God. My business is about my relationship with myself & God.

I have heard of Byron Katie. I like the quote.

This message was edited Nov 3, 2010 5:43 PM

Frilly Lily, sounds like you are keeping a sense of humor about everything! Hope 2009 is a really good year for all of us!

I liked the letting go and letting god topic because I always have a really hard time with knowing what the boundaries are. I forget that some things ARE none of my business, they are my sons business, or Gods business. I am now just praying for Gods guidance, and that seems to help me greatly.

I did file for and received power of attorney for my son, but most agencies wont accept that document (ie: I cant open a checking account for him...etc....) so I now am checking into filing for conservatorship over him. that is a long process, takes over a year to complete, because the courts watch him for that long to see if he NEEDS a conservator. so I can at least begin the process and do the foot work, if in a year he is better, and doesnt need a conservator....that would be awesome! :o)

there are two slogans for Let Go and Let God, the other one is "Turn it Over" (to God) I was told long ago, that I am not allowed to 'turn it over' because when I do.... I just flip the problem over and look at it from a new angle (similar to what sonita said in her post about thinking she let go and let god) then I analyze the problem for a different angle...etc, but the issue is .... I am STILL HOLDING ON to the problem, instead of giving it to God.

One thing someone taught me long ago.... I was dwelling on a problem and having a hard time giving it over to God. This lady walked out to my yard and picked up a huge rock....and handed it to me. I was confused and asked her what this was for. She told me when I was done with fretting over the issue, I could set the rock back down. and every time I found myself thinking of the issue, to pick the rock back up and carry it around. well, my arms were in GREAT shape after a few days :o) but I finally 'got it' and stopped fretting over the issue. in the end, God DID take care of it, as he always does. I used that rock for years, and over the years I havent had to pick it up as often. I think I'll go look for it now :o) may help me to remember that I am once again carrying Gods load, instead of my own again! lol!

Happy New Year to you all!!

{{Hugs }}
AnjL

Great story about the rock!
We are all sick with the flu at my house. Yuck!! I'm sick of being sick, in so many ways!

sorry you are all so ill! sending warm healing thoughts and prayers your way! {{hugs}}

I would like to hear about STAYING IN THE MOMENT.......

This is important for me because sometimes I get caught up in tomorrow, or what happened yesterday. I remember once and ol lady told me if you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow you are defecating all over today :o) I am having a really hard time staying in the moment in TODAY right now...any suggestions? or stories?

When I am having trouble staying in the moment, first I slow down, next I consciously breathe. I listen to my breath (is it loud, soft, raspy...) then I listen for my pulse, or just feel for it, not with my hands. Then I do them together. Then I ask myself, what's the real issue? Is it my business?.....
I have spent whole days in bed doing only this exercise, when I was so depressed, or out of control. I'd find myself going in my mind where I best not go, than take myself back to my breath and pulse.

I also find following the breath helpful. While doing that you can also put your mind on relaxing each "part" of your body, starting at the head top. I like to do that to see where I'm holding on to tension. Of course, it changes. So I have to be aware of that, too. But, it does take my mind off my thoughts and gives me something else to focus on.

thanks! I have been trying to practice 'mindfullness' which is just being aware. aware of me and how I am feeling, aknowledging the feeling, and aware of my surroundings and people around me....kinda like stopping to smell the roses, and really listening to the people around me. I like the meditation and relaxation ideas ^_^ will defintely try those! Also need to stop being "care-taker" for others so much...that will probably help me stay in the moment alot easier ^_^

Now you are getting it? It won't be easy but you are on the right track. Treat yourself as Number ONE!

Treating ourselves as #1 is a learned behavior. I started my lessons years ago an still have far to go to graduate!
1Anjl - How do you do smiley faces?

smileys are ^ _ ^ but with no spaces in between. it wont show up til you hit send ^_^

I had a very mindfulness day today ^_^


anyone else have a topic that they want to discuss?

Thanks ^_^ Can you remind me how to do Bold & Quotes too?

I have been very frustrated, mainly dealing with 4 year old girls, how hard to draw the line with my own daughter and her friends when they are here. My patients runs out quickly, and I tell the girls they get 1 more chance and they are seperated, which I do....frequently. I wish I could do it without so much emotion, but don't seem to get there before the frustration is in my face.
They keep pushing until they get the extreme time out, or constantly ask for things which does not allow me to do ANYTHING! Cook dinner, go to the bathroom....

lol! oh how I remember those days! I really feel for you!

There is a GREAT book called Parenting With Love and Logic I highly recommend it for anyone who has kids. They have two different versions, one for kids under 13 yo and one for teenagers. Sis told me about it years ago and it saved my life ^_^! lol! Basically goes over why they do the things they do, and what we as adults need to teach them in order for them to become productive members of society once they are adults.

When my kids argued, they tried to pull me into their arguements....the 'triangle' effect....trying to get an adult to validate that they are right and the other person is wrong. I'd get caught up in the middle of it. Finally learned to just have them work it out themselves, and today they have a really strong bond. They learned social skills to deal with conflict, and also learned where their siblings/friends boundaries are and not to step over them anymore. Also it taught them what their own boundaries were.



for bold: < b > then type words then < / b > all with no spaces in between.
quotes are [ quote ] then paste quote then [ / quote ]
for italics, do same as bold but instead of a b put an i

hope this helps ! ^_^

How many 4 year old girls did you have at your house? I was a pre-school teacher years ago and I sympathize. Kids playing at home almost always did better with just one friend at a time. Three was an unlucky number because there was always one feeling left out. They are a lot of work but so cute and worth it. I realized about 5 years ago when I was 50, that I no longer had the energy for groups of young children. I was at the birthday party of a 5 year old boy with several friends that age. Whew!

I'm 45 with a 4y/o daughter and her school mate that I watch 6 -10 hours a week, as well as ride share. However my daughter is this way with her 6 y/o cousin as well.
I will check the book out. I need tools to tell me I am on the right track or need to get on another one!
In both cases my daughter does better with more than one other kid, however it may be 4 rather than 3 kids, I'm not sure.

All kids are different and it sounds like a good book.

Yesterday I went to Town and had my hair trimmed, a little above shoulder length. The history here is, my husband has always known me with Long hair, but our relationship is ~15 years out of my 45. When we were not together I was VERY expressive with my hair, Color, style, length....During my realization of my part of enabling negative parts of our relationship I realized I stopped expressing myself through my hair like I use to do, before DH. I had my hair cut, shoulder length, conservative, for me. He freaked. We did counseling around the subject, and I said he would work on his issues around short hair.
Last night he cried on & off all night, because of my hair he says. Then he said he 'doesn't like how I have been taking care of myself', I asked him to expand on that thought and he wouldn't.
I am an attractive woman, not beautiful; however my Mother is very much about appearances. As her daughter I rebelled, and am a tomboy at heart. Doing my hair, makeup & clothes is not my thing and never has been. The only time I attended to my appearances is in the professional world. Now I am a rancher/mother. I wear worn out clothes, because they get ripped and stained from animals, equipment & my daughter. I wear a hat daily, bad for hair!!!!!
Today I am looking at how superficial my DH is and how I can not be accepted for whom I am. How he spent years screwing up our lives, and I am now depressed resulting in attending to myself even less and it feels like I am being punished. I know better than to take this personal. These are HIS ISSUES about HIM, and I am paying the price.
I’ve got to go get my daughter some juice. I have more to say on this!

I say good for you to express yourself! I am glad you and D.H. are going to counseling. To be honest, I feel angry with him! Probably not the most helpful response, but there you have it. You have every right in this world to wear your hair or clothes any way you see fit. You are an adult.

Sonoita, I too am very glad that you are taking care of YOU and doing things that make you feel better about yourself. I too am not a hair/clothes/makeup type person, even when I was working in a professional field! lol! I had to wear suits (skirts and blazers) for many years, but no makeup for me! and my hair was just straight and sholder length wash and go style! LOL! (same as it is today)

I think its important for you to take time for yourself and do things that make you feel good about who you are, wether that means cutting your hair, reading books, getting manicured and pedicured....etc, etc, YOU have to come first. if you are always giving to everyone else (DH, kids, animals, etc) and take no time for you....you will wind up with nothing left to give.

Right now I am reading a book called the four agreements. Its about being impeccable with your word, and not letting others word effect us and how we feel about ourselves. Very interesting stuff in there and I've just began the book...looking forward to learning more from it.

AnjiL, I just recently started reading that book, too! I am getting in to it rather slowly but it seems to have some good ideas.

^_^ once you get past the intro and into the actual agreements....well, its hard to put it down then!

We had a talk, which is always good. He's deep into his stuff, which is OK. He doesn't see that he is basically saying "It's not OK to be you" It's about my doing something after he says he REALLY doesn't like it. We expressed our feelings, and were able to leave the conversation with, we don't see eye to eye. I feel better.
On the other hand my daughter has been a delight this weekend. A joy to be around!

YAY!! glad you had fun with your daughter and are feeling better about things with your DH. I think communication is key in any relationship. I had to teach my DH the art of fair fighting, and how to use "I" statements instead of the you, you, you habits he had ^_^

We had a disagreement recently and when he started with the you, you, you... I just stopped him and said 'I need for you to use I statements, or this conversation will need to be put off until later' and he got the point immediately ^_^ much fairer fighting now lol!