Thinking of pulling up the stakes....

I don't know if DGer's come here for advice, but here goes...

I've now been widowed for two years. I've managed to keep our home (fortunately paid for) and I've kept our remaining three dogs (our kids ) happy and healthy. I work in the animal care field after retiring from the professional photo industry. I'm 55

I've become extremely dissillusioned with my job. My employers are wonderful, gracious and nice people, friends actually - but here's the problem. I manage their boarding facility and it involves quite physically demanding work. I have worked all holidays, weekends for the past three years, without employee health insurance, sick days or paid vacation. I am paid hourly wages...at a rather low rate and I know I do an excellent job...(I know, sounds patronizing, but it's true). All this would be tolerable, but for the fact that the employees that they've recuited have been TERRIBLE. I won't go into what is involved in training, supervising and cleaning up after these morons (that is when they show up) but I've completely had it. Most of them don't show up - and they are given another chance, over and over. It's time for me to leave.

Our home here in Maine is quite large, and difficult to heat and maintain. I really do not want to leave it, but I cannot stay here without having some kind of income coming in, and this job is costing what little sanity I have left. If I make a break, I want to go some distance away, far from any neighbors, schools, people.

The housing market is terrible as you know but I'm coming closer to making the final decision to sell this place and go to an untouched part of New England where I can let my doggers bark all night if they want, I can plant more gardens and I can live in peace and solitude with my memories.

So....does anyone know how to go about doing something like this? I have no family; so I don't know a lot of people. What is the first step in finding a nice house way out in the woods...a house that I will be able to maintain and retire with my canines???

Thanks, all for reading this...if you have any ideas, please let me know! Leslie (Frankay's lady)

I would probably take a couple weeks vacation and travel your state and see all the pretty homes, towns and am sure as you travel you'll come across things that you really love, or dislike about particular towns, this final list will give you a better incling as to what you are truly looking for in your new venture...

Best of luck, the world is full of friends you've not yet met!

How sweet you are Betty. It's difficult to do a vacation because my friends (employers) are finding me indespensible - AND driving around for a couple weeks would mean boarding the dogs, which is lotsa $$ and I don't get paid vacaition so that's out.

Been thinking of contacting realtors in areas I'm interested in, but forgive me for being unenlightened here - do realtors do searches for people who are 'just shopping around?I'm beginning to think the place I want to go does not exist, and I don't know if said realtor would market my existing home and SELL it for the price I want so I'd have a place to move into once it's sold. I cannot move even in the best of circumstances in the middle of a Maine winter! Leslie

Are there any DG members in the area that you would like to look at? They could be a great resource.

I also believe that realtors would be willing to help you. My mother was shopping for a place at a nearby lake. The realtor sent her ads for places that fit her description and eventually, she did go look, but never bought. Another starting point may be the internet. We have a local site that homes for a fairly large geographic area around us. You do have to have a place in mind to start looking, but you can look all around from the comfort of your home. Also, try googling any towns that you would consider. I know that you want a rural location, but there must be a town nearby somewhere.

Hi Leslie, do you know where you want to move? I do think that there is a big move to show houses online. Why don't you call or go see the realtor that you think would sell your house. He/she may know exactly where to start. Until you move, can't you find a job elsewhere? I know that is a big step but so is moving.

Good luck with your new journey.

Hugs, Loretta

What a terrific idea, DG gardeners on the look-out for propects for you..yes, I do believe realtors do that sort of searching ... here's to your new venture..

Leslie,
Just before DH and I retired, we decided to finally sell our home in a subdivision so we could buy land in the country and build our own house (we had wanted to do this for years). I called several realtors--none answered so I left messages. Only one bothered to call back but she was a gem. She helped us sell our house and then drove us all over our county looking for just the right piece of land. We bought a double lot (11 1/2 acres) out in the country in an area that is like what you are looking for--peaceful, quiet, wonderful neighbors who don't live too close, and we get to sit on the porch and watch deer in our food plot down by the creek in the evenings. I have lots of flowerbeds and a big vegetable garden. You can do it. Call some of your local realtors and tell them exactly what you want. I think you will find just the right one who will help you find what you are looking for. BTW, I was 55 and DH was 56 when we did all this. Take the time to pursue your dream--life is too short not to!

A realtor can help you also you can do some looking online. Could finding employment somewhere else and staying in your current home be an option?

You seem more unhappy with your employment situation than your home.

I'm not unhappy with my home - I adore it, actually. All our dreams are here, and although those dreams are gone with Frank, this is the place where I am closest to all that ever was...
It's difficult to admit to myself, but there's something inside me that will not accept Frank's death; something beckons me to stay here...don't ask me what it is - I don't know.

I'm very tired and really confused. The good people I work for have been emotionally supportive, but I'm putting up with too much as far as workload chasing the idiots they hire around. They refuse to terminate people that do not bother to call in, disappear for inordinate periods of time, screw around, and do things they do not have the authority to do. Their friendship is very, very important to me, but I do not have the emotional capicity to care about the losers problems that they hire, and I know that they will take any thoughts on my part about leaving their employ as abandonment... we had a discussion about that already....

So, I surmise that the only way to make a clean break is to put this place of broken dreams on the market - if I can get what I need to retire - and find a place where I can at least get some solititude and space. Leslie

Oh Leslie, you shouldn't let your employers, even if they are your friends make you leave the home you love. If they feel abandoned - so be it. That is their problem. You cannot be responsible for what they feel. Do what you want to do. The people they hire do just that.

Just my 2 cents.

Loretta

I agree with elsie--don't let others dictate how you will live your life. I can understand how you feel about your home. If I were to lose my DH, I would be completely broken hearted and would want to cling to our home. Like you said, it's where all the shared dreams and memories are. I would find it extremely difficult to leave. I think anywhere one can work will have those few who seem to get paid for playing on the job while others carry the heaviest load. If you feel strongly about staying in your current home, try looking around for a different job. As elsie said, if your employers feel abandoned, that's their problem. They may be good friends but that won't stop some people from using guilt trips to manipulate others into doing what they need them to do. You need to put yourself first. Looks to me like you have a little support group of DG friends right here who care about what happens to you. Lean on us all you need to--we don't mind.

The only problem with the Realtors is a lot of them won't work for you unless they know they're going to close a deal and make money. Time is money, money is time. A new Realtor will though, they don't know any better. If you're going to use a Realtor to just look, don't tell them you're just looking. Here's some websites:

http://www.realtor.com
http://www.mainemoves.com
http://www.mainerealestate.com
http://www.justlisted.com

Leslie, I know how it feels to be friendless. I moved from Central California, where I was born and raised and spent the first 33 1/2 years of my life there, to make a better life with my new husband here in Arkansas. I've been here 1 1/2 years and love living here, I have a great job with great people, a wonderful house out in the country I would've never been able to afford there, but all of my friends are in California and it is very hard to make new friends, I've found. Everyone is real nice and all, but when it comes down to getting them to do something with you, they won't commit, they just shy away. I've tried to get some of my friends in California to come for a short visit and they won't, because Arkansas has this "hick" rep that isn't real, for the most part, and they would know that if they would just come for a visit. I'm from the biggest hick part of California there is, and this is much the same. In fact, Arkansas is full of Californians.

Indeed, I have wonderful friends at DG!!

You people are too kind - most of the time I'm able to function reasonably and I realise that there will ALWAYS be times that Frank's absence overshadows the things that I need to do routinely - such as work, maintaining sanity and taking care of day to day business. I'm not a needy person emotionally - and I detest whining...but I wonder at times if I'm asking too much of myself.

It's my sudden inablity to make decisions that really has me so confused, and this really bothers me, and the daily emotional rollercoaster (that never will stop) that's making decisions (new job; new place, etc) so difficult. I think I know what I want, then something comes along and screws it all up...I should be past this by now.

Sorry, my friends for the whining. It's a source of great solace to know you are out there and care. I am now going out to the veggie garden - and the peaches are ripening...another little something to look forward to....thanks...Leslie

Hi Leslie, I don't think you are whining. I think you are trying to figure out what to do next. I will suggest that you take a step back and look at everything with new eyes. When you are feeling like you are feeling is not the time to make a life altering decisions. Make a list of pros and cons of moving.

Have you told your employers/friends how badly you feel and that you think you will move because of this job? I would either talk to them about making a change or leave. I think it would be wiser to see if you can find a job that doesn't upset you so much - then see how things go. One step at a time - I honestly believe that is the way to go.

I hope you don't mind all my 2 cents. LOL

Loretta

I think I understand your problems making decisions. If I lost my DH (second marriage for both and we've been together for more than 26 years) I'd have trouble making decisions too. The reason is that we've been making decisions together for all these years and it would feel strange making them on my own. We are best friends and rely on each other a lot. I think your feelings are very normal and I certainly don't think you're whining. Go easy on yourself. It sounds to me like you're doing a wonderful job of holding up considering what you're going through. God bless you.
Marleine

You guys have said what I was thinking. I completely agree, trying to figure out what you are doing is far from whining. Losing a loved one, especially someone as close as your spouse, can create big time confusion and give you that, "Now what do I do?" feeling. There is nothing wrong with your feelings.

I'm wondering Leslie, if the situation at work was changed, would you be happy there? If you think so, can you sit down and really open up to your friends. Tell them exactly what you are feeling and that you just don't think you can handle it anymore. Then if they don't try to make a change, they have no right to feel abandoned. OR, are you really just ready to make a big change and go forward?

This message was edited Sep 17, 2008 2:21 PM

I really would be a lot happier if there were some big changes at work. I really don't want to leave this house - and I really don't want to leave my employers, either...but as I said, I'm really tired of dragging myself around after 8+ hrs. of cleaning litter boxes, crawling around on my hands and knees, cleaning animal enclosures THEN finding some moron has been goofing off all day and none of their work has been done - worse yet, putting an animal's health in danger by not paying attention to instructions.

I've asked people to do the simpleist of tasks...start the washer, fill a water dish, vacuum a floor....and they'll repeatedly walk right by the washer and not start it; you get the idea.

My employers complain that finding good people has become their greatest challenge, and they're right. In the past three years, we've had over 30 of these morons come into this place (which, I might add, is an annex of their home) and been miserable failures. I would not let any of these people near my compost pile, let alone my home....unwed mothers, kids with drug problems, liars, drunks, you name it.....forgive me, but I just don't want to be around stuff like this! Leslie

I don't blame you. I wouldn't either. I hope it all comes together for you Leslie. Sending hugs.

I think you need to keep these people as friend and find a new employer. And if they don't want to be friends any more then that shows their true colors. Pretty clear it is your job & not your home you want to change.

Sending positive thoughts your way!

Leslie, I feel like I am just full of advice for you. I think it is easier to look at your situation from the outside and make a suggestion. The only thing I can say is your employers are allowing all the other workers to get away with what they are doing. Or they wouldn't be getting away with it. Who are training these workers and holding them responsible for their work? If it were me I would tell them that they are paying X many people and X many people aren't working. Tell them what you will do for what you are being paid for and they (your employers) can pick up the load. Maybe if you were the manager with a pay increase you can get these other workers to work or get new workers.

I would make them feel as bad as you can. I really feel they are taking advantage of you. I only say this because I feel so badly for you that you are thinking of leaving your house because of them.

Leslie I hope you don't mind that I tell you how I feel. I am only saying it because I care.

Loretta

I agree with elsie. I think your employers should give you a raise and make you the manager of the other workers. Sounds like you have the experience and know what to look for. If you were in charge of supervising the other help, they might end up with better quality workers because there would be someone who can give them the constant supervision and direction they need. There are leaders and followers. If your employers are smart, they will see that you are a leader. Don't leave your beloved home because of this situation. You know the old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."
Marleine

Leslie,
Realtors will do everything for you, sell your house and find another for you.As often as not they do a pretty poor job, but now and then you find a gem.The Multiple Listing system makes all the Realtors associated with it able to research 'for sales' all over the place, hardest part is finding the area you want to live in. If you were to tell your employer friends that you are going to quit if they don't straighten out the kids do you think it would do any good ? A place in the country would certainly be nice, and you are young enough to enjoy many years of country life. I wish you all the good fortune possible in whatever you decide to do. Please let me know if I can help.
robt

I was a Realtor for years, I know exactly how they work. The new Realtors will do everything for nothing, the veterans will do nothing and make bank! If you are unsure if you even want to move but want to go look at stuff and know the area, MLS is perfect because you can drive by it and check it out. If you want to see the inside you can just call the number on the sign and whoever Realtor will come out and show it to you, and you aren't obligated to anything or anyone. Yes, that Realtor will give all of the hoots and aahhhs about the house, but it's not like you called a company and asked for someone to show you a bunch of listings. It doesn't matter, if she knows the area she wants to move to, the Multiple Listing Service will work fine, if not she'll have to travel there to check it out anyway because pictures Don't always tell a thousand words. Leslie if you are inclined to you can always check out http://www.fsbo.com It's a list of For Sale By Owners, then you don't have to deal with a Realtor at all.

Leslie, you definitely need to have a chat with someone, if not you're going to let this all bottle up inside you then some day soon you're just going to lose it and do something you might regret. My dh is going through this at his work too. Let me tell ya, in California this type of behavior would not be tolerated, period. There are a bunch of people who sit and chat and whatever on their whole shift and do nothing but leave work for the next shift, then they will lie on their time card and put 8 hours of work when they were only there for 5 hours. I've even heard of people putting 10 hours when they were there for 5 hours. The good workers go to the management, and the management sends out an email explaining the hours that each shift covers. Does a lot of good, let me tell ya.
Christine

I only read the first few posts. I soon came to the conclusion your "friends" are taking advantage of you.
Working every weekend & holiday, you are their slave!

The first thing I would do is look for a different job.
I just Googled your area. Wow, can't believe you would want to leave there.
I see a large ?, school there. That would be a good place to look for a job. At least here they hire mothers & mid-age women to be what are called Paras. They are an assistant to the teacher & help students on a one on one basis.
A lady that helps at our market stand in the summer does that work in the winter. She loves it & it pays decent. She can pretty much set her own hours.
I wish you the best!
Bernie

Hi Leslie,

How are things in Maine? I hope the storms going up the coast haven't been too bad by you.

Hello, All

The storms have dropped a lot of rain; we are having yet another mud season here, but thankfully, no damage from the weather.


I am still at my job. Yesterday, one of two decent emplyoees gave her notice; she was offered a job at a vet's and she has decided to take it at the end of the month. She is young - only 23 - and she claims that she will have a chance at getting her vet tech credentials. All of us wish her luck - this vet is very well known to all of us, and he's a difficult man to work for; a tremendous vet, nonetheless. I wish her luck.

Now the ethics issue. This vet has been our emergency vet for many years. He had a conversation with my employers the day before this girl gave her notice and said nothing. Naturally, my employers are upset about this and I don't blame them a bit. When we hired this girl, over a year ago, she was referred to us by this same vet, and he told us he'd never hire her due to circumstances undisclosed. Periodically over the course of the past year, his office would occasionally inquire as to how she's doing...now this...no wonder my employers have difficulty trusting people.

So, I'm in the same boat and have gone nowhere...oh well....Leslie

It would have been very unethical for him to have mentioned it. Don't fall into the guilt trap. Your first responsibility is to yourself...and you are entitled to be happier. You are taking on more than your share of the burden.

Leslie,

I am sorry for your situation at work. I lost my husband 2 yrs and 2 weeks ago and I know the confusion you speak of. With messing up a lot and listening and thinking I have some to the realization that there is so much to do it is overwhelming. And everytime I turn around there is something else. The biggest one to add to all the rest has been Hurricane Ike. He did a great job of destroying my yard. Tops came out of pine trees (Huge pines the tops snapped like tooth picks). There is 15+ limbs down in my small yard and not small ones either. My neighbors all know I am disabled from a failed back surgery in 2000 from being the same kind of worker you are.

It got me no where. Here I sit with major problems and a yard to clean. Was just recouping this spring working slowly fixing things since Hurricane Rita now this. I had to have new carpet because the sewer backed up before DH died but it did not get done till 1 yr ago. All my stuff is still boxed up or sitting all over. I suffer from depression and some days can't get out of bed because the tole stress takes on that. I have a stack of papers needing attending the house and now the yard in great turmoil and no one to help.

I told my friend I was going to spend 1 hour a day on paperwork, 1 hr in the yard and 1 hour on the house. I came to the conclusion that doesn't work. I can't do that much in a day. So now it will be 1 hr in the yard and 1 on paperwork until that is caught up then the house. And not very long ago found out my son's dog he left here has used my whole house as a pee pot. I want to rent a steam cleaner but when? Where does it squeeze in? After a few days of a couple hours doing what I can then the next 2 I am down and out. My body is exhausted and my legs and back are hurting. I get so exhausted I can't stay awake. That goes on for 2 days then I am trying to catch up again.

I am so tired of this roller coaster. But sorry for talking so long but the thing is there is so much to do that you don't know where to start so you don't. I realized that is my problem and the list goes on because everyday there is another obstacle added. There is a few threads in prayer forum one is the codependent one and the other is about things just keep getting tougher. Some of the things that have happened since my husband of 31 yrs passed I can not believe.

But the biggest thing I want to say is it is you now. Neither of us have our sweet husbands to help. We must put ourselves above all else. You are losing sleep over your employers? I know you are and losing your peace of mind also. Do you think they are losing sleep? over the business or you? I doubt it. If they was they would figure out they need to hire good employees and fire the bums.
When I worked at Waffle House and was given 3.00 and hour do you know after months what I realized? They knew if no one did it I would. Same at Joann fabric and crafts and now because I put my job first before myself I am disabled.They said it was a freak accident how I barely turned and blew 2 discs. I had a 2 level fusion that failed. Guess where my coworkers and manager are today? Not here. Not even my neighbors knowing I am disabled come ask if I need help in the yard. (I do own an electric chain saw and will use it a few cuts a day. I am 53 I got years to get it cleaned up. And if my neighbors don't like it they can pitch in or close their eyes.
hehe I told one neighbor my yard is called nunya...he said a what? I said I am doing the best I can and if no one likes it it is nunya business. Not sure he thought it was cute but oh well. It made me feel good to let him know I was doing the best I can.

Sorry so long. God Bless You Leslie and slow down some please it is not going anywhere. I know I have tried to wish this stuff away and wish him back to help.

So do me a favor PUT yourself first. If you leave your home and don't want to you will be unhappy and won't have your friends you worked for. If you go talk to them and explain how you feel and what you need and you lose your friends seems like you are no worse off. Except now you are free to keep your home and get a job with out moving.

And Please take care of your back. No one else will. My son even turned his back on me and lied and had me taken under warrant to a mental hosp. July 2nd this yr. It is in those threads.

Leslie please take care of yourself. Put yourself first. It is hard but as Jill on the one thread says you can eat an elephant one bite at a time. We will be here no matter what you decide and love you all the way.If you would like to talk sometime dmail me. I would be glad to call you I have free long distance. :O) Sandy

Leslie,
I read your post when you first made it and I had meant to respond but got sidetracked and just now got back to it.

When I was in universtiy I had a great summer job at a lodge. I really enjoyed working there and the lady I worked for was soooo nice. I really liked her and we got along really well. In my third summer there, they were trying to make some changes and get the dining room going more. It got so bad that year. It was not uncommon for me to start my Saturdays in the morning cleaning the cabins then check people in in the afternoon. That evening I would waitress in the restaurant and usually had to watch the store at the same time and sometimes also babysit (they lived in the upstairs of the restaurant).

One time, the chef had the weekend off. When thay happened my boss did the cooking. When our first dinner guests arrived my boss was out in the campground moving a picnic table. No soup of the day or anything had really been prepared. When the chef came back I told him what had happened and he was very angry. Shortly after that, I was talking to one of the other employees who said that she was hired to babysit with the occasional light cleaning. (Her wages were actually subsidized because she was babysitting). She was frustrated because she would often get to work and be told to clean the campground washrooms. She said that she wasn't hired to clean the washrooms and if she had known that it was a houskeeping job and not a babysitting job, she would not have taken it. Needless to say, she quit. That got me thinking. For a lot of the time that summer I just accepted what was asked of me because I didn't want to hurt my boss. I had had such positive experiences the previous summers that I felt that I owed it to my boss to more than should have been expected. Finally, shortly after the 'picnic table' incident something else happened (I forget what) and I gave her my two weeks notice. I said that if things improved I would consider staying but otherwise, I had to leave for my own sanity. Two weeks later she was stunned when she was about to give me my hours for the next week and I reminded her that I had given her my notice. She just didn't get that I was no longer going to do two people's jobs. (It wasn't that someone else wasn't doing their job, there just wasn't anyone else at all.) Did I feel bad about quitting? Yes, but I was much happier. What I learned was that even though my boss was a really sweet lady, what she was expecting was inappropriate. I gave her fair warning and said what my concerns were. I also told her that I would be willing to stay if those issues were resolved. It was HER choice to not resolve those issues and that was not my fault. If you bring issues up with your employers and they don't even attempt to resolve those issues, it is THEIR choice. It would be one thing if they were visibly trying to make things better. What it seems like is that they find it easier to avoid confronting problems with other employees when they know that you'll pull up the slack anyway. In my situation, my boss really needed to hire another person but wouldn't. Why would she bother to pay another person's wages when she knew that I would pull up the slack?

About moving/decisions etc. I am an incredibly indecisive person so this is something I've struggled with. One thing that DH and I have done as we've been comtemplating moving is to make a list of what is important to us. For example our DS has a disorder on the autism spectrum so if we moved, we would want to be in a place that had services for him. We then made a group of 'must haves' and 'nice to haves'. We then looked at different communities and also looked at the housing prices in each community. This has helped give direction to decisions.

Write down what you want from life. What is important to you? What do you need to do so that you'll be in a position have what you want? Write it down! What helps you feel at peace, or what would help you feel at peace if you did it? I felt bad when I quit my summer job because I knew that I was putting my boss in a hard position. She had to find someone else on fairly short notice (but if she'd hired someone else earlier anyway, I probably wouldn't have been so stressed and might not have quit). In the end, it was the right choice. Quitting meant that I was able to go out west with my mom and have a really good time with her. Most importantly, I felt at peace with my decision and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Wow, that was long. I hope it helped. I wish you success and joy with what you decide. My heart goes out to you.

gillibean, You are so right. When you told your boss it was then her choice to to make things better or lose you and she chose to lose you.

Great choice.

Great advice all. Mine would be that making a huge life change, to deal with , not unimportant-but workable situation..well< I would suggest the slow down and talk with boss as has been mentioned. Too leave everything , including the job that is the problem would be immense. I left work due to illness, as most of my contact was at work ; it has been difficult to get into other things and I have lived here for decades. Granted, I still have some contact with co-workers but it is so infrequent. I would only move if it was to somewhere that I had close family , at this point in my life (59)..takes a bit to start over...and I don't have a lot of "a bit"..
As for the other worker..things change over a year..he couldn't tell them of the job offer...and a chance to get into vet tech is huge..given all the circumstances.
I am glad that you are friends with your employer; I am Sorry that they are taking advantage of your feelings of freindship and are also short changing their charges .

I see more than a few ladies working at the Sheetz Gas Stations. The posted starting rate of pay is $8.25 with minimal but some health insurance. They always seem to be happy scouts and soon make customer friends many of whom are in business and know how to spot a potential good person. It is not to hard to beat that rate of pay. The really good ones do evaporate into what I believe are better yet employment situations. In addition in a chain like Sheetz there are inhouse gains quite possible. Look around. I bet there are other options you just have not considered. There is room for excellence in any business. You sound like a far better than average person.

I also have sixty year old friends enjoying the big box stores of all types. Here they really like one of the food markets that give some health benefits even to part timers.

As a former small business employer I think I see you being to loyal to an employer. Look after yourself and your needs. Friends are just a short distance away after you make a change.

Sorry about the double hit. I have no idea how that happened.