had to share this story

I went to a long time friends wake today.... he committed suicide last sunday... his family was like my away from home family at the horse shows we used to travel all over for... I used to call his wife momma.... and we used to look after each other when away from home and all really good friends... he was a biker kind of guy... long hair in a pony tail with a handle bar mustache and tattoos... buried him in his favorite tee shirt and jeans.... and his wife is going to put the motorcycle helmet in the casket tomorrow before going to the cometary

I was freaking out when I came home ... wondering how he could do this to his family... he and his wife were best friends... and no one could imagine Tommy with out Ellie.... no note was left... so no one has any idea why he did it.... I grabbed a beer from the fridge and toasted his honer out in the yard.... and then called him a dumb A@@ for doing this to his family.... while finishing my beer and telling stories about them to my honey... and told him that if we get any calls in the middle of the night I told Ellie to call me anytime and I don't care if it's at 2:00 in the morning... she said back to me.. don't say that unless you mean it.... I told her I totally ment and and she was my momma... it actually brought a smile to her face

I calmed down... randy went inside.... and I was just thinking of some of the good days we spent together... soon after my beer was empty .... and a chippy bird landed on my patio table... I said outloud "you have a lot of guts landing right in front of me... with the two dogs right there".... he then jumped on a cardboard box I have some plants in that was closer to me.... I asked "and what do you plan on doing up there"..... then it proceed to fly over to me and landed on my shoulder... it stayed there for only a few seconds .. but I felt like it was him sending me a message

Allison, I'm so sorry for this horrible loss. This must be unbelievable hard for you. Thank God you have Randy to lean on. Hopefully Ellie takes you up on your offer - it would be good for both of you. As the days, weeks and months pass, I hope you will get some answers as to why Tommy felt he had no other choice. I have never understood suicide. It is selfish.

I totally believe what you are saying about the bird being the 'spirit' or energy of Tommy. We are here for such a brief time, the energy that is life continues in many forms.

I will pray for you to have the strength you need.

Could be, Allison. So sorry to hear about this tragedy. How awful. You and his family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Allison, that is very sad, and I'm sorry. I went through a similar experience with a family member, and it was the most difficult thing I ever went through. It's been 5 years, and at times it still seems very fresh. Ellie will need family and friends to get through, as you will also. I hope that the pain will lessen in time, and good memories will take its place.

My prayers are with you also. HUGS BEV

thank you all for all your kind words.... I lost my 21 year old nephew this way last year... and it had been hard on us all.. I agree it's a terrible selfish thing to do... the ones who suffer are always the ones left behind

my plan is if she doesn't call me... I will go knocking on her door... next week or something... it has been quite a few years since we have been close... but I still feel bonded to them... just a great group of people

I hope she is strong enough to pull through this ok... one of the things she said to me has me really worried... "I don't know what to do with myself.. other than I want to follow him"

I just kept assuring her how much she is needed here... her kids and family need her

How horrible, I'll keep you and your "momma" in my prayers.

Allison - I'm so sorry! An untimely death is always hard to cope with and especially when it is suicide. I will be thinking about you and "momma" and sending you hugs! I hope Tommy has found the peace he was looking for. Eleanor

Allison, sorry about your friend, the story about the bird landing on your shoulder means a lot, that was meant to be THERE and I really do believe he or she was sending you a message. It probably meant he is ok!

I am strong believer in people trying to connect with loves ones from the other side!

thank you again all.... it's going to be a tough road for Ellie.... I just hope I can help her though it

and I hope my birdie experience helps her too

Allison, when my dad passed away, my baby daughter was only 1, and as whe was going up the stairs on "the D DAY"she said, mama, mama, there there tite, tite (that is what she called him) and then my three year old had a doodle thing and she drew an angel at the same time, so spooky and my skin crawls the same way I am writing this to you! Believe in that birdie! Clem

mine crawled too... I believe my nephew visited me right after passing also

Yeah it happens and they love us when they do that!

Oh, Allison, you definitely will be prayed for as well as "momma". death is never an easy thing especially for those left behind. As you reach out to Ellie that will be a huge comfort to her, especially when you share the bird story. I've had a couple of untimely deaths like that in my family and there are always questions left unanswered.
Big hugs,
jan

thank you.. hugs back at ya

Sorry about your friend.
The bird was right.

thank you... you guys are really sweet

That is so devastating! I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend and the way it happened. It is so tragic and when something like this happens you are right - it is the family and friends that suffer the most. I feel so sad for Ellie and what she must be going through. Hopefully she knows her family and friends need her. She is really going to need the support from everyone. Once again I am sorry.

Allison, I am so sorry about your loss. I also had a very good friend named Ann who was the left to my right.
We bowled together on Friday nights. Her and her husband Sam were great people.
To this day I have no idea what caused her to take this drastic action.
The really sad thing is that within a year of losing Ann, Sam also took his life in the same way at the very same spot.
He couldn't live any longer without her.
Although i do miss her I try to remember the best of times we had together and take strength from that brief period of my life.
Chuck

I hope that doesn't happen to Ellie Chuck.... she really has me worried.... thank you for your thoughts and prayers

Allison, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Be strong for Ellie, she will need you, but remember to take care of yourself also. Life certainly does throw us curve balls at times. Maybe, with time, Tommy's actions will be understood. For now, hugs for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have nothing wise or insightful to say. What about planting some really beautiful spring bloom bulbs in her yard to remind her that after winter comes spring with new life and hope? Don't tell her what they are, just that she will have to wait to see them for herself.

Such a nice idea Cat. Eleanor

Just wanted to say what a beautiful and moving way you wrote about your sadness. It sounds like you, and your bird friend, are sharing with us the beauty of life. Thanks.
Laurel

Oh Allison, im sooooo sorry sweetie! Suicide is one of the hardest deaths to come to terms with when there seems to be no reason why. Ellie will need you and your love now, bless you both.
Many years ago my Ex-DH nephew took his own life at the tender age of 16. I was only 20 myself at the time and couldn't understand it. Im 48 and still can't figure it out, all though I have more facts now than then, but I still don't understand. I can however, with the facts I have, get an idea of where his head/heart was at. It wouldn't of been my choice I don't think, but then again I wasn't wearing his shoes. I think there are some things we just aren't meant to know.

I really like that idea YC.... thank you.... might have to see if I can get a small sign made up... or something like that and put them by the bulbs

Pixie... I think you are right... we aren't meant to know and sometimes understand some things

I read the idea in a story years ago and remembered it. When I moved to New England from So. Cal I finally understood it!

Oh, Allison, I'm so very sorry! It is just impossible to understand how someone can become so desperate, but I think that is the key.....we try to understand it by projecting our own rational thought process, and I don't think a person is able to think rationally when they make such a decision. Whether it is severe, untreated depression, or some sort of chemical imbalance at play, I don't think the person is capable of understanding the impact on family and loved ones, and that takes it out of selfishness for me.

You and Tommy and his family are very much in my prayers. No one should have to have this happen twice so close to them. I am so sorry you have had to experience such pain twice.

Many hugs,
Louise

thank you Louise.... and you are also right there... and at times I forget... not a rational act... can't possibly have rational thoughts

Allison, I am so sad for your loss. How tragic! Sorry I didn't respond sooner, but I just found this thread. I have heard similar stories from people on how departed loved ones have communicated with them from 'beyond' like your bird did for Tommy. I pray that Ellie will find the strength to continue in life as well. I cannot imagine the pain of losing someone that way. I have 2 friends who both had grown children who committed suicide. Both were mentally ill, and in their case you could understand somewhat why they would act so irrationally. But even knowing that, it doesn't make the loss any less painful for those left behind. Yes, it is a selfish and irrational act. I pray for you and Ellie, and all who are effected by this tragedy. I wish I could just make your pain disappear.

Love to you,
Karen

thank you Karen

Oh, Allison!
I just located this thread, too. I am sending you a great big hug, so big infact, that you can share some with Ellie. I love the idea of planting the spring bulbs. I hope you will do that - for both of you.

I just found this thread - Allison, I will add him, you and Ellie to my inextinguishable candle and prayers. I knew someone who tried to kill themselves, but failed. If this is any help, they said the pain in their soul was SO great, they couldn't even reach out for help, they just wanted to be done. Selfish, yes, but when you think about it, sometimes, we just don't REALLY know what kind of suffering the human heart might be enduring. Go easy on the little bird...it may well be him saying to take to your own wings and fly, and to take ourselves a large slice lighter than we tend to do. My heart goes out to you all.

Allison,

I'm so very sorry for your loss and for Ellie. It had to be the thought that there was no other choice for him - what a very sad ending for everyone who knew and loved him.

My sympathies to all.

Arlene

Allison, please accept my sympathies as well. All my prayers will go to Ellie so that she may be comforted.

Hugs,
Harper

Hi Allison, just found this thread! not being able to be around much latelly!

so sorry for your loss... can't say I know what that is, but can imagine! death is a horrible thing even when one expects it! I will be praying for you and Ellie... goodness gracious... hope she takes you on your offer... maybe finding a group of people that has been in that same circunstancies would help? I am a firm believer that shared experience is a powerful healing thing!

Big hug my dear friend!

thank you everyone.... big ole hugs right back

Hello Allison:
Like others, I just found this thread about your friend, Tommy--your story was so compelling that I have to respond, too. I am SO sorry for the loss and the heartbreaking search for "why?" that Tommy's family and you are feeling. We just never know the pain that others might be suffering. I think that Donniebrook said it very well: the person who is desperate/depressed enough to take his or her own life is beyond rational thought and is simply unable to think empathetically about the devastation of those left behind.
How lucky Ellie is to have you on her side at this time.
I liked Harper's photo of the little bird--a House Finch? Birds often seem to be messengers. Here is a Goldfinch came to my feeder and brightened yesterday morning.

thank you.... and as the days go by I realized DB was right.... and thinking it was selfish gets less and less... when I go by her I am going to scope around her place to plant a memory garden

If you need plants for the memory garden - please let us know.