a sticky situation, what would you do?

my brother-in-law married a woman from another (very poor) country. the u.s. gives substantial amounts of money to this country every year.

they are planning a trip back to her homeland soon and sent us a letter from a school where her sister teaches. it's a request for a donation. i emailed her and told her that we only give to u.s. charities and more specifically, animal charities and we hoped she was not offended by this policy, but that's the way we feel.

now she has emailed me to clarify the letter. she sent it out to quite a few of her husband's friends and i assumed (the way it was worded) that she was asking for 200 from each person, but now i find that it's 20 a person. regardless, i think it's weird to ask for a specific amount and it doesn't change our views on charities.

should i send her the money or not? we don't even live in the same state and aren't that friendly with eachother to begin with. i feel like i'm being put in a position that i don't want to be in and don't know how to get out of it.

thanks to any who may have a view on this, one way or the other.

Trackinsand~ Some countries' culture include a custom that when the wife who marries a foreigner, read your brother-in-law, she should obtain financial assistance for the remainder of her family members. I don't know what country she is from, but some cultures look at the foreigner as a stepping stone, in other words until she finds someone who can better financed her needs and wants. Some cultures expect the foreigner to provide food, goods, medical assistance, educational costs, etc. (The expecctation happens in our country as well and you know we have many different names for people with that expectation) If you enjoy a close relationship with your brother-in-law, it would be a good opportunity to discover more about her culture, customs and beliefs, whether you choose to give or not. If you believe in your stand on charity giving, then don't feel compelled to give because of an awkward situation. Giving is a gift, even if someone requests the giving, your response is a gift and it's okay if you choose not to give. Interesting circumstance that affects all of us at one time or another. Let us know how it works out! ;0)

If the $20 is not a hardship on you/husband I would give for the sake of family and to keep the bonds strong.

If she is living in my country I would expect her to go by my customs and not get me involved in hers. You say you really don't know her and I'm certain it is the same with her as far as you are concerned. It appears that this will be a constant and if you can afford to sponsor another family then go ahead and do so but be prepared for the future consequences !

Just listen to your gut instincts. If you find it awkward, weird (I know I would!) and not in keeping with your usual donating choices, then don't feel obligated to do this. If the other party gets all bent about your choice not to do this, then that's not a very respectful person IMHO. If one feels the need to donate for the betterment of poor countries, there's always well known international organizations that show your dollars at work.

Observing others customs is a wonderful thing to do, and I'm all for it...when I am in their country.
But i've got to say this one feels like blackmail on an emotional level...

Trax ..

Don't allow anyone to 'place' you .. in such a difficult position in the 1st place ..

Mite you have simply trashed such a (gallish?, brash?) donation seeking individual .. about the same way the marketing schemes are rec'd in the snail-mail? Especially considering the omission of any personalization in beseeching such a monetary request ..

Have/had you considered 'discussing' your concerns/issues with your brother-in-law? Perhaps he may feel a bit taken-a-back by such (tactics?) .. May could shed some needed light for ya ..

It appears, that you already have the answer to your quandary, tho' ..

thanks to all of you who've responded. i got more than a little giggle out of some of the posts! i think "emotional blackmail" best describes the way it hit me.

i don't need to "give" to maintain strong family ties; there aren't any to begin with. i'm sure the bil knows all about it as she never does anything without consulting him. (that's a sad story in itself), but...............i've decided to go with my original answer to her and just say no .
what it boils down to for me is that i did say no the first time and whether or not she knows the rules of etiquette, i do. you don't keep asking.

thanks again for the replies and i'm not closing this thread to more discussion by any means. it's an interesting subject. i just wish i didn't have to be the one to start it!

Trackinsand~ good for you!

I HATE it when a family member asks me something and refuses to take NO for answer, it is now my standard response if I do not know what to say. The reasoning being if it really is a question I have the right to say no and maybe change my mind later, but if I get pressured after the first initial no then the no becomes written in stone. If I can not say no then its not a question but a demand/command and that just does not sit well with me and you will find that once you get the reputation of being a bit of a doormat its hard to loose it (yes that comes from first hand experience I used to be a people pleaser). Way to stick to your guns, giving to charity is personal and should never be forced upon you, otherwise I could ask you can you spare a dime for greenpeace, amnestiy international, or my personal favorite the Endowment of Nadine Nelson for her plant/seed habit.......

.. LOL .. MQN ..

- Magpye

double LOL! i do believe i have a similar endowment if anyone would care to donate! just kidding, of course!

LOL, oh y'all are too funny!

The party of the 2nd part should depart from expectin' the party of the 1st part to be a party to such 'shenanigans'. (hee)

- Magpye

oh, is it party time? ~O~

Gosh doggit, trax ..
I guess I really should've indicated, that my silly comment was geared towards your initial post/problem.
(sorry 'bout that) .. LOL ..

- Magpye

I'm glad you decided against it. I have no right to assume, but
it sounds like once you get started with an initial donation, the
hook will be in your mouth for good.

Don't bite.

:-) Karen Marie

I pretty much concur with everyone here. It seems to me that once the vein was opened, she'd continue to expect more blood.

trax, go with your first instinct. I hate emotional blackmail. Now if it was a charity that you would normally contribute to, that would be a different story. When I get those calls requesting donations, I have a standard reply "we budget our contributions at the beginning of each year. If you want to contact me then, we will put you on our list of charities to consider funding. Thank you very much for your understanding." All they can say then is well, okay.

Don't let anybody badger you into giving anything, time, money etc to something that you are not 100% vested in. I always ask for their breakdown of how the money is allocated. If there is more than 4% toward administrative expenses, they are then eliminated from my list of considerations.

It's hard to hold the line sometimes. My company is involved with a couple different charities and sometimes "encourages" people to contribute a bit too much, IMO. One of the charities is one that has run into trouble in the past for giving the bulk of its money to "administrative" costs, including cars and penthouses for the CEOs and that kind of thing. Also, I once was in the position of needing to ask them for help. They not only refused me, they were rude and insulting about it, telling me that people like me just didn't deserve help.

Now I'm in a good life position. I can afford to give, and I do. Just not to them.

I think one "no" is sufficient. I once was asked to support a group of very worthy women going to a very meaningful and legitimate foreign event, I consented. But then I found that the administrative person who asked me for this sizable donation was planning on partially funding her going on the trip with her staff as part of the entourage as " administrative support". I cancelled my gift and suggest that she cancel her trip and donate the portion of money she was saving by not going on the trip to the group of women. Hint, tell your relatives to cancel their own trip and then donate their trip money to her people. I am all for charity, but aggressively hitting up family and friends is unacceptable. Charity should come for the heart, not from guilt or pressure. Patti

This message was edited Nov 3, 2006 7:33 AM

no offense taken, mag! i got your meaning; i was just having a little fun.

i'm so relieved that you all seem to be with me on this one. other than holding together the family bonds, i just couldn't see a reason to give anything in this case and as i said before, the family bonds aren't a concern.

i also look at administrative costs when giving, or at least i used to. the animal charities we give to now do things quite a bit differently than "people" charities. more seems to go to the animals.

Trax - I'm glad everyone could be of some help. I would probably do exactly as you are. DH and I already contribute to charities that we feel strongly about and we like to do our research first. There's a point where you have to say no otherwise you won't be in a position to give to the charities you want.

One thing that I might do that hasn't been suggested though, is offer to donate books or something for your BIL and his wife to take over with them in their luggage, especially since the letter originally came from a school. It would only really work if you lived close enough to drop them off though. For us, we have so many books and other school supplies in our house that we really wouldn't miss a lot of them anyway (and then we'd have room for new ones). Often too, the cost of buying new books for anyone in a remote community (or poor country) is so high due to shipping that if they can be 'shipped' for free it works out really well. That way you're not spending any new money and you can clear out some clutter.

When my husband aunt was alive she supported a child in a foreign country. She had never married and had no children and was also in her late 70's. She wanted to help out a child so she sent money every month. It didn't take long before the guilted her into supporting another child from the same family. The children were suppose to write to her and let her know about their life. You could tell by the letters that they were not written by the children but instead from an orginization. When the aunt died, my husband wrote to this family to inform them that she had died and would not be sending any more donations. The orginization then started hounding us for donations. I refused to acknowledge their letters after repeated request for money. I feel that we should not feel guilty for not giving to every charity but to give to the ones that mean the most to you.

thank you. all of your words and thoughts have really made me feel better and i appreciate all of you taking the time to write. i will continue to give from my heart when i give.

I used to be a doormat, didn't know how to say no. You did it perfectly. If you want to say no, be polite but firm. Don't let people take advantage of you or force you to do something you don't want to do. And don't feel guilty! I would rather donate to the animals too. We have way too many hands out these days.

My X was from Mexico originally and there were weird cultural things that seemed tacky to me, as an American and I would feel a bit put out but over the years I realized that some of the things were cool traditions within the culture and it wasn`t offensive any longer nor did I feel it a burden, if I had it to give and wanted to participate in something, I would and if I couldn`t, I wouldn`t and they generally accepted it fine and realized the cultural differences and did not take offence if we did not participate. Not to accept the answer is the bad part. Intentions are hard to meter in poor cultures because they don`t have social security and insurance so families help eachother as a norm, they are all poor usually anyway. They have no idea how foreign it is to us here. Always follow your heart. Even Oprah can`t help everyone and does not even try. Here is a Mexican tradition that I grew to think is ok. A Quincenera is a sweet 15, coming of age for Catholic Mexicans. The parents ask all their friends and family to sponsor some contribution to the party, they call the contributers, Godparents of the...ie;cake, tierra, sodas, etc. The more expensive things , they may have 5 Godparents contribute toward. They may ask specifically and are ok if you can`t do something big, they may ask can you help in any way? If no than no. The parents still fork out a lot and it is fun. All Godparents get some kind of public thanks for their contribution in a program or video but it is ok, because it all comes back on your kid`s turn. The cultural things like this cause the families and friends to have fun and party together and celebrate things regardless of financial status because everyone does their part great or small when and if they can, it is just important for them to be with eachother. Just another 2 cents.

your 2 cents is a good contribution to the thread! i would have no problem with giving to something like that if i could. my situation was considerably different though. i haven't heard any more from them and i doubt that i will. i have a feeling that they aren't too pleased though.

Well that is too bad, people are selfish sometimes and have no idea nor do they care how things are for someone else. It is always ALL ABOUT ME DAYto some. Thanks for the change on my 2 cent contribution. lol

Hellnzn11, it's always a good idea to put your views in! I've not had that experience, but I do know mexicans will pool their money so someone can buy a house. Like you said, eventually they get it back.

hey guys, i do appreciate the response, but i would prefer not to single out any particular ethnic group, for any reason, no matter how innocent the wording. i start getting a little uneasy when this happens, as it can escalate into something ugly or possibly hurt the feelings of some dg'ers. thanks for your understanding. debi

I understand, even tho we were being positive about it. : )

i didn't mean to single you out, billy, and i know you didn't mean anything by it. i just thought that i had better jump in before things started getting out of hand. thanks again! you guys are the best!

I didn't feel quite right when I wrote it, but since I meant no disrespect I sent it anyway. No offense taken. A light reminder is also a good idea.

It`s all good. Racial things make people hypersensitive, weather bad or good intentions so it is a good idea to be Switzerland in the conversation, I guess. It is harder to convey intent in writing with no tones in your voice or facial expressions.

LOL, my family is from Switzerland, i guess it shows!

That's true, or learn to d-mail sensitive subjects if it seems like it will go on. Me, I was done with the subject.

ROTFL!!! You beat me posting, so I sure didn't expect that.

Billy are you stalking me tonight?

LOL