You gotta' read this!!

Diary of a YANKEE in Florida

April 30th
Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this
is a
state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy
evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a
blanket.
It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 14th
Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to
see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.

June 5th
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of
palms
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE
SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 1st
The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night.
Where
are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used
to it
will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though.
I'll
have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car.
Got one
of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, Cheaper than the burn ointment
for my hands.
I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though, got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th
I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this
morning.
By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to
the size
of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over
$2,000
worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now
smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th
Ocean breezes, my foot. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on
the
fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me
he
needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a
hurricane.

July 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the
swamp mosquitos that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house
payments
and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th
100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500
and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is
almost as
much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off
the road. I hate this state.

Aug 8th
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
tear his head off!! By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling
over, my
clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!

Aug 10th
The weather report might as well be a [profanity removed] recording Hot and sunny.
It's
been too hot for two months and the weatherman says it might really
warm
up next week. And who came up with the statement "It may be hot, but
at
least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion.
Doesn't it ever rain in this God forsaken place??

Aug 14th
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came
to fix it
and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500
house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th
Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains
finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than heck and
drove
the darned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly!
The
Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500
windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you
have to worry about is getting mugged. I hope this state breaks in
half
and floats down to Cuba!

Even though I read your post five minutes ago, I'm still ROFLMAO! Tears are still streaming down my face!
Tell me the cat didn't really explode!
Excellent story! Thanks for putting a smile on my face!
Subou

Subou, this is so much fun, when you read it to someone else! I read it to my husband, really laid it on thick. It was so hilarious!

I love it..lol..! My parents are thinking of retiring in Florida and they can't take the heat here..I don't know how they'll make it in Florida! I'll print this out for mom and she'll get a chuckle, for sure, and maybe a second thought! Thanks.
Trish

"Be careful what you ask for, you might just get it." Definitely the case here!

phloxy_lady,
I am cutting and pasting this into an e-mail to my son and daughter-in-law in California. They keep telling me I'd love it out there, in between complaining that they can't leave the house, because it is 100+ degrees!
Best laugh I've had in a long while. Thanks!