was i right or wrong - dr laura moment

saw a parent of a friend of my daughter's last night at school meeting. asked her if she knew 2 kids had sex on her bed at a party her daughter had a few months ago. my daughter and son are furious with me. the mom's reaction was "oh gross", and she told me she had had so many complaints from neighbors etc. there wouldn't be another party. the mom wasn't there, not sure why, know she trusts her daughter. also told her that my daughter has only been to maybe 2 parties in the last three years besides this girls as they are full of drugs and alcohol. (this girl is a 4.0 student, sweetheart). btw, i heard this from a younger kid who was there, in front of her mom...

dr laura moment, DH is furious, said it was none of my business and the mom didn't need to know. i think it's a mom thing, and i would like to know stuff like that if it happened, would like to think someone would tell me if my kids were into something, somewhere where they shouldn't be, etc. am i wrong?

Arlene,
I don't think you were wrong. People need to know things and they can't be everywhere at once.

thanks Honi, i told my DH and DS it was a parent thing, they are so upset, i guess i understand that.

I would want to know... what if something terrible happens as a result of the evening... she needs to be informed before some mother knocks at her door.

I think she needed to know and maybe she will stay at home the next time there is a party. It is not a matter of trusting her daughter. Her daughter can't possibly control a situation like that. Kids need to know that there is an adult lurking somewhere who only appears occasionally. They never know when and that is the control needed here.

I agree that she needed to know, but, I don't believe that your daughter should have be privy to the exchange of information. I believe you should discuss it with your daughter....but one on one and not with the knowledge that it was her mother that would be causing her trouble with all of her peers over this....it's really gonna be hard on her for a while now. Parents need to know....but not in the presence of the children.

"eyes"

I agree with you that the mom needed to be told, but I think the whole key is HOW it was said. Usually attitude and expression are at least as important than the actual words.

I agree with you that the mom should have been told, don't however, understand why DH is upset with you. Kids are ususally going to be upset, especially if it is not something they want told. I have found that in some instances you are goint to straddle that fence anyway. Parents need to know what is going on and kids need to know that parents are watching. So much can happen, speaking from experience. Dee

in this day and time, if my kids hadn't been there when I talked to the mom, I would tell them I did. My DH is like yours, doesn't want to make waves. There's just too much danger around now.
And Arlene, you can't undo it, no matter what, so don't kick yourself.

Many people will say it's not your business, but THEY are wrong, for a lot of reasons. Years ago, all adults felt responsible for all kids and kids knew they always had someone watching. Now adults don't want to risk the wrath of the kids. And often, the parents themselves will jump on the adult who bears bad news, either out of embarrassment or immaturity, or a sense that they are defending their kids. I say you did just right, although it might have been the better part of prudence to do it privately. You did it when you had the opportunity, so I applaud you. Yes, it's better for the other parents to know it now than learn it when a lawsuit is filed in these litigious times. And you know these things get around among kids, so the next party will be worse if they see that no one knew. DH is way off base. He's not willing to stand up and be counted, or "make waves", so he is part of the problem we have with young people today. If it was his daughter in that bed, and the event produced disastrous results, would he not feel someone should have told him instead of letting it continue?

In the first place, what mother would let her daughter have a party that was unsupervised?

She deserves to be grossed out.

I applaude you for telling her. Maybe she'll think twice about being so irresponsible with her own child.

thanks ladies. i told my kids it was a parent thing, and i believe the parents need to stick together like the kids do and try to stay on top of them. I want to be told if my kids get into something. My daughter wasn't there when i told the mom. DD apparently whined to DH who told her to get over it, and happily, when i caught up with her later she seems to be over it. this is a little one red light town also, but growing. Hoping all those kids will think about their actions too in the future.

You did the right thing.

You did the right thing if only to alert the parent they should be watching for signs of other trouble coming.Think of how that parent would have felt to come home next time and find some kids IN their bed,if they got away with it once they won't hesitate to do it again.And I'm with tiG,don't beat yourself up over it....

Arlene, I would want you as a neighbour, yes, yes I would! I would most definately want to know. I would want to know if my kids looked at you crosseyed. Someone above posted that we parents no longer want to get involved with other kids, all it takes is a comment to the parent, I for one appreciate it when my neighbours mention something to me about my kids - good or bad, we are all in it together. It could have been your kids in that bed (God forbid...) but these things are happening.
I am battling my 12 year old daughter who thinks she's old enough to wear make-up - egads....and yes, my neighbours would tell me something, I am lucky that I live in a cul-de-sac where we are all very friendly, and keep an eye on each other's children.
ARlene, you go girl! you did the right thing, I applaud your courage to tell.

Hey, 'Lene - parenting is NOT a popularity contest! We often do things that our kids don't like (I've done a bunch) but it's in an attempt to keep them safe and out of trouble. You did fine. Your daughter's old enough to know what's right and wrong so she's not going to hate you over this. And just like your DH told her, many kids need to just "get over it" and realize who's in charge at home!

I think you did the right thing, Arlene. I think of all the stupid stuff I did as a teen and how things might have been different if I'd had both parents and if they'd taken a stand and had the support of their friends and neighbors. Your daughter - and that lady's kids - are fortunate to have you around. Blessings to you...And an "I Am My Kids' Mom" T-shirt!! :-D