Our life's goal

I have just watched Bret Farve end his best opportunity to win the Superbowl. And it has activated another look at my next dream or goal in life. I would like to ask you all to define your purpose for your near and/or far goals. This can encompasse garden or personal goals. What are your dreams?
I have come to many an end of such effort that Bret is now experiencing and failed to have a direction. I found myself lost when my job became mundane. Iwas lost at that time. But thrilling on life at this moment I need to look deeper into my actions. I am hoping on seeing intimate moments as I experience the magnitude of creation in my garden, my wife, and my adventures with sailing the SE inside passage. But more exciting is to write these to communicate my emotions through other successful author's style. This will allow me to read and learn the humanities I have yet to discover.

Good thread, Steve. So does this mean you are going ahead with telling your stories to that author? That would be pretty cool, actually. You probably have many of them.

Your thread comes at an apropos time for me. This year is proving to be my 'midlife' crisis year as I take a look at my work, my home life, my habits, etc. and decide what changes I want to make and what goals I have yet to achieve. It's a year of darkness as well as light and grieving as well as joy.
One of my goals is to write a book. I started a few months ago, then changed direction with it and wrote more, then changed direction again and wrote more. So I guess I'm just going through the process of connecting to the book that is supposed to emerge from me. I have no idea what it's going to turn out to be yet, but it will have at its core my 20 years in practice.

My other goal is shared with my spouse and that is to spend a few years living on a sailboat. That's one we're going to have to work out together.

No it means to begin finding my writing style and seek publication. I am writing to Alaska airlines magazine shall be my first attempt.
I would too love to have my life aboard a sailing home.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.
--Socrates (470-399 B.C.)
I had to chuckle at Socrates having a bad day.

This is a wonderful thread. I have been pondering these things for about 2 years now. At one point I knew I had to leave my job or go nuts. Many people have all sorts of plans when they leave a job - they know what they want to do and where they want to invest their "life energy" and how they may contribute to the greater good. I had no such plans. My first decision was where I want to live and I came to Oregon. After getting settled here I have been thinking about my next goal - it seems I can handle only one big goal at a time, and that is something I didn't know about myself. So it is a process for me, and may take a very long time.

Hear, hear, Portland. One thing at a time, for sure. Otherwise, I tend to get completely overwhelmed. Some days I think I could retire today if given the opportunity. I could just walk away from the practice and be gone. Other days I know that's not true and I still really like what I do. Of course, when I'm sitting there with people I almost always like what I do. It's seductive that way. But I find myself getting really bold about not putting up with crap from the corporate machine, not dealing with companies that make my life miserable one way or another and keep me from focusing on the people, refusing to buy into their 'rules' for doing things. I feel very stubborn lately. Hands on hips, really. I do hope Laurie would stamp and approve.

Well Pix that's the catch. The work itself is what we enjoy but all the other "stuff" that goes with it is what drive us away.

I've been going through this now for quite a while. It seems that as part of it I've been needing to do a whole lot of reassessing and re-evaluating, and healing. It's not been a whole lot of fun to live under your own microscope. I'm glad I've been doing it, I've learned a lot, but a lot of other parts of my life have kind of come to a stop while I figure things out. When I left my last job, I knew I just had to get away from it and get a better perspective to figure out what I really should be doing. It's been taking a very long time. :(

(Yes, I feel bad for Brett Favre also, I was really rooting for him. )

I always need to have goals to keep from being bored. I take them now for short term and see where they go. So my goals are only to experience the alternatives to my living. If they give no reward I move on. Nothing is fixed in concrete. But one thing I know is I must see this coastline with the intimacy of a slow boat and land on every beach that calls me. What is there, what plants and how are they laid out, how easy is its access so many things to see before life ends.

I have been thinking about this all day. My "over-all" goal is to find a balance between doing things for the greater good, and taking care of myself. I am finding that I need quiet time, time alone, and time to read.

I've been drifting for about 5 years, and probably need a goal of some sort. I worked with an attorney for over 20 years, and we had a great relationship - like values and like goals. He unfortunately got some weird cancer and died in 3 months. Ouch. I stuck with the new firm for about a year then was replaced/fired in a rather odd fashion (water under the bridge). Since then, I've been working freelance, but really lack the drive/incentive to market myself. I'd like to just retire, but the financial reality is not pointing in that direction. Meanwhile, I just hunker down and become a home hermit. A 'zero day' in my book is no money spent, no money made. Is that a goal? I'm conflicted.

I just read an article on 'loners' and it was very positive describing those of us who thrive on solitude. They said loner's focus is on emotions that are at a higher level than those who crave interaction. We experience much more 'noise' in a crowd and relise the moments of less imput. I can only agree, finding creativity when alone.

Well, I can certainly relate to the 'noise' in crowds -- it drives me bonkers. I often look around and just hear a dull overhead roar. My husband (Mr. Congeniality) is fortunately at his best in crowds, so I just tag along and let him do the schmoozing. Smile and nod.

I guess the 'higher level' sort of depends on what you are measuring. But I find that the older I get, the more alone time I need and the more I do not like to be in crowds of people. TTTOOO much energy, too much noise, too much commotion. I've known a lot of loners who didn't know how to get along with people at all. I wouldn't necessarily consider them 'elevated' in any way. They just don't know how to communicate or appreciate other people.

Bonehead,, a 'zero' day sounds like a good goal to me.

Sometimes my goal is to get through one day at a time and maintain an open heart and my integrity.

I'm percolating this life goals idea, just need some more time to think on it.

I like being with friends and sharing dinners and conversation, and an occasional party. But it's best if those times are interspersed with alone time. I don't consider finding time to be alone to be a life goal, but I know any goals I have must take that into consideration. And I'm not sure about "higher level" either - sometimes I just don't want to hear all that blah blah blah chatter chatter chatter. I've been thinking about life goals all day, and I still am not sure what mine are.

I like MFH's word - percolating. Exactly fits for me.

Is this an age thing or time of year thing - for the past 2 years I've been working on the idea of finishing workwork - boy that is a toughie. So many things to think through: DH is generous to a fault, but the idea of not contributing to the family income makes me uncomfortable. Tick, work on that. With a Doctorate in my pocket, and a slew of degrees before that I feel somehow obligated to continue to use them - payback for having been given the opportunity to acquire them? Tick, need to work on that too. I still like my work, find it fullfilling, but it is clearly no longer my raison d'etre. I am not yet ready to say good bye to London, despite the fact that I rarely 'use' it. When I head home, my heart sings, but it doesn't sink when I return to town. Percolating.

Added to those points:

My greenhouse is now twice the size it was last year. (I just sighed a big lovely sigh of satisfaction)
A friend recently gave me his kiln, it is sitting in the barn, waiting. I am reteaching myself how to work with clay, and have located my old tools - they got put away with red clay still on them. It has been more than 20 years.
I have been reading a series (my choosing) of biographies taking me from the tudors through the georgians. Interesting. But never enough time.
I love swimming, and I need to be in London for that.
I love distance walking, and I need to be out of London for that.
Life is short, and I am not sure that I see how all of these link into a direction.
Percolating.

I am on I pod phone so long dialog is difficult. The higher level in above is brain "noise" measured by some "Laurie" machine. All people with GHs have that same noise and run out there each time with a sigh. The classification loner is in reference to emotional rest the mind seeks.

Perc perc perc. Yep, the word fits.
Apparently we're all in the mid life phase. Isn't that helpful to you all? LOL!
I've been having the kind of dreams one has when large shifts are happening -- like last night I dreamed that an artist I admired approached me and wanted to show my cement leaves with her pieces in different galleries. She also wanted to raise the price on them considerably because I was undervaluing them. I was so happy in the dream, I actually cried. I immediately began thinking of all the leaves I would create starting right away. I remember thinking that if I joined forces with her, I would be able to sell at least two pieces a month and that would be enough to continue my contributions to the family and not worry about the business end of things. Waking up was a sad business.

Well, time for workwork, as Laurie says. I have a LONG day ahead of me.

I appreciate what you have said about being a loner. I am quite happy being how I am. I think people have finally accepted me for that. I think I am like my dogs. I just live in the now. I get up and think ok its now raining I need to do this or its raining and I will do that. Then I need to get a game plan for Dave and send him off. I think is it ok to plan the future but not it let it control you life. My neighbors have every tiny thing planned from everyday to college to when each parent will die and what doe do with their money. They are missing each day. I don't even think they see the sun shine. I think as gardeners we are in tune a little more with life and the appreciation of beauty.
Age has some what hit me my folks are in their 70's and have made some poor financial choices and are loosing their home. Pretty sad to be 76 and worked you butt off and be stuck in a crummy rental now. They have been bringing mass stuff over too me to clean-up and it has just sunk in that they are old and won't be around forever. I live in such a dream world and can bury my head in my work that is sucks to deal with reality. I love being a dog.

Oh, Heidi, that's really very much too bad! Our dream worlds are frequently so much nicer than reality. It would be sad to think of a life that was without appreciation for the germination of seeds, or the flowering of plants, or even the sun breaking through the clouds.

There is a children's song along those lines called "I Wanna Be A Dog" One verse goes something like this: "Oh I wanna be a dog. I wanna big wet nose. I wanna run in the street, get mud on my feet, and jump all over your clothes".

Now I'm way off track. too tired to percolate much tonight, except to say my big concept goals sound kind of silly and impossible when put into words, like I want to make the world a different, more cooperative and caring place, not in a sappy way but in some real way. I set out to do that when I was 18 years old, I didn't know how or where to start but kept getting drawn to work with children, some who were living in very difficult situations that I realized I could not change but could bring out some joy and pride in accomplishment in them even when some days seemed like a struggle. Later, trying to gain some financial stability for myself, and give myself and my family a base to work from, I ended up living and working in a rather different community than I had originally envisioned, yet it is my home and I am in need of a little bit of a sanctuary, which is where my garden comes in.

Laurie, I am glad you kept your old clay tools, even in the condition that you left them long ago. If you are drawn to them again now I think it is a sign your hands and heart are ready to go back to that form of your art. If it feels right, celebrate it!

I think you all are experiencing the pleasure of goals. Some of us try to control our future by setting goals but I feel that others find their minute to minute life their stated purpose. Hollie for instance does what she wants just by teaching her children. Maybe I need to let go Of control. Thanks Holly for the discovery.

Thanks for your kind thoughts Steve, though I must say that some days I feel like the chew toy that is being shaken by the dog, when the demands on my time and patience feel like just too much.

Edited to say, I didn't mean to sound so pessimistic, but I've lost the reimbursement form for a grant I wrote (already spent the $1000 and need it to get paid back). The piles of paper that I need to file are going swallow me, and I know the missing paper is somewhere in the pile. I'm sure tomorrow it will surface and I will laugh at myself for being so worried about it tonight.

Edited again to say, The books I bought with the grant are beginning to arrive, and they are beautiful-- bilingual books in Spanish and Chinese along with English that I am going to have children check out to take home so their parents or older siblings can read to them in either or both languages. Every day when I come to work, another package arrives. it is really fun!

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This message was edited Jan 26, 2010 10:13 PM

Personal boundaries STATED to those who expect these superhuman outcomes have worked well for me. Holly whatever we do will make others dissatisified. Accept their dissatisatfaction. Take time to love yourself and become energized for tomorrow.

Sofer - I love goals, they motivate me, I just keep the goal posts very very movable. Thank you MFH, I think you are right about the tools and timing -

I have always loved this speech in Shakespeare's MacBeth - a touch gloomy, but in the most beautiful way -

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
Til the last syllable of recorded time.
And all our yesterdays light fools the way to dusty death.
Out, out, brief candle, life is but a walking shadow,
A poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage
Then is heard no more.
It is a tale told by an idiot,
Full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.


I have always loved the last line: signifying nothing - in the end, too true, but my goodness while we are alive, it should d@#n well mean everything!! Perhaps its why I love goal posts - because in the end......




This message was edited Jan 27, 2010 10:16 AM

Big goals have seemed to me like a young person's framework, until just recently. (Most of you have read my thread about moving to the PNW, which would be huge, if I can manage it.) This is partly because for years I was married to a man much older than me, who had already met the big goals of his life, and was focusing on enjoying each moment as a great gift. He gave me that vision too, so, for some time, I have had the orientation of just plain gratitude for all my good fortune, from the funny behaviors of my dogs, to the rewards of re-painting a room, to observing the phenomena of nature. I garden with leaves and textures more than flowers, because leaves are subtle. They make you Look, they make you focus on the small and appreciate it.

When David passed away, he left each of us a legacy of gratitude and participation in the moment. He was one of those personalities that attracts attention, that makes lots of people want him to like them. People of all ages and both sexes sort of swarmed around him. (How he picked me out of all this swarm, I don't know! I'm forever grateful.) He made people happy. Being with him made everybody near him see how really Good things were, how lucky they were. Because of that, his life and passing made us all think a great deal about how we live our lives. And I have come to the conclusion that the center of the thing is the appreciation of each moment, no matter what the external circumstances are.

[It's not that there aren't external circumstances that can interfere with this. I hear a lot of that interference coming at each of us who has posted above. Particularly when a workplace becomes somewhat hostile - that's pretty bad. I hear quite a lot of pain in your dream, Pixy; I hope you can find your way toward a place where that doesn't have to be there.]

The problem is, that all of us walk on thin ice at all times. We just don't pay attention to it, and it probably wouldn't be good if we did. You can't forever go around feeling conscious of mortality (though to tell the truth, since David's gone and my girls are off at college, it is something I do think about daily). David's cancer came on him at a time when, although he was 69, he was in excellent general health, and was working toward a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. He ate right, he lived life. This fall, one of my students (I teach violin) took time off from lessons to help a friend whose 18 year old son was discovered to have terminal cancer. I'm sure all of you know of similar kinds of circumstances. My student and I reflected together on how these kinds of things make us think about what's really important, day to day; that little annoyances have to be let go, that daily gratitude for at least *something,* and appreciation of the people who share their lives with us, is what would make us prepared to "go," ourselves, at any time.

There are other things I do daily, that are just part of how I work - trying to do the best possible job at whatever my present job is, trying to make sure that the people I work with feel that they are being treated with respect, etc etc. Those are close to the target, but not right in the middle of what'll make me ready to Go.

Now, later in life, I'm adding back one of the big goals. I have my reasons for wanting to move again: to add one more adventure to my life, to get back to mountains that have always fed my spirit - I grew up in Alaska - with the distinct advantage of not having severe cold to deal with. A longer growing season too. But meanwhile, that goal is just a framework for what's at the core of daily living, for me. I'll work toward it, but meanwhile, I'm going to keep appreciating Minnesota's beauty, and treasuring all the memories I've made here, where I raised my kids. I want to think of my goal as a new Good I'm adding to my life, instead of a rejection of something "bad" here. But even if I don't make it - it's just a framework. I will Live, wherever I am. For however long it lasts.

I like Laurie's moveable goalposts. Yeah. That's exactly right.

Joan our souls need to meet on the journey after life. You have succintly stated my life's purpose. Thank you!
Laurie I am surprised at your acceptance Of Shakespear's depression. I must have misunderstood your tenant. No person who plants and creates at your level and with your skill could believe it is all for "nothing".

Laurie I like the thought of moving goal posts. Now I am thinking about my goals in a different way, and it makes so much sense. So much to think about. So much.

Joan, you speak with such eloquoence and warmth of your late husband. Folks should do so more often. I've found our society does not deal well with death. They are initially very sympathetic of course, but after the initial grieving period, most folks seem to then treat the very name of the deceased person as some sort of taboo subject. I spent about a year in really black grief when a close friend/coworker died, and notice that now when I bring his name up among his old colleagues, they invariably smile in a strained way and quickly change the subject. Not sure what that is about (perhaps fear of their own mortality, he died unexpectedly at a relatively young age). I find it quite heart-warming to talk about him and it makes me happy rather than sad to do so.

Everything shapes your life in one fashion or another. Major life changes can be difficult, at times debillitating. We all do eventually pick up the pieces, though some are better than others at doing so. I often am buoyed by the wise words of (I believe) Dr. Seuss, "Don't be sad that it's over, be glad that it happened," which invariably puts a smile on my face.

Joanic,, it sounds like you are listening to 'the spirit move you', as it were, and enjoying the process along the way.
I did not mean to give the impression that my workplace is hostile. It certainly isn't! It's a private practice, so if there is hostility there, it would be coming from me or my colleagues. My office is actually a place of peace and refuge for me, but sometimes I schedule too long a day because I am trying to squeeze in too many clients, keeping my Fridays free, or because, like now, we've had a community tragedy and there is a lot of response to be attended to. I saw the dream as more reflective of a message to get back into doing the art I love, that it is more precious than I had at first thought. That makes sense to me because I didn't find time to do any of it last summer. So this year, one of my goals, flexible though it may be, is to return to that creative process in the physical sense.
I think Laurie and I may be in similar places developmentally in the professional sense. She with one foot in London, one foot in her country home, enjoying both. Me with one foot in my home, the other in my practice, enjoying both, but sometimes wanting a little less of the practice and a little more of the home. It's all a balancing act.

And so, off to workwork I go again!

I have one goal in life. I want to take a trip to Ireland, Scotland and England. So my plan is to take good care of myself so if it comes along I will be able to go. Meanwhile, I am getting my house in order in all ways, so I can take care of my husband when he needs help. I know I have to simplify everything. I am planning on getting back to making leaded glass and also my birdhouses to keep me busy in a fun way. They are crafts that can be stopped at any point. And I going to golf again, but just nine holes instead of eighteen. Two hours instead of four or five. The things i'm doing around the house and yard are things that will eventually help with the possibility we might sell in the next few years. So I'm perking along. I have always considered myself a loner and am always happy by myself.

Ooooooh, Laurie - Clay!
Yummy, fun, maleable earth that yields to the rhythm & energy of your hands. A superb medium to work with...

Life goals...hmmm, mine are simple: One step at a time down this path, to observe, explore and enjoy what is so often overlooked. I like having the normal type goals: they serve well as benchmarks in our lives, and provide incentives to reach further, higher - a stretching of self.
Like Willow, I too focus on pursuing strength & simplifying my life. I want to be able to move freely when i am elderly & maintain my independance. I love people, but never feared being alone. Guess I'm comfortable in my own skin. I know my limitations and do not seek my happiness in others.

Actually, Pix, I wasn't thinking of your workplace as the hostile one. I think maybe it was more Bonehead's "replacement" under strange circumstances. (But your dream certainly speaks of a conflict and a deep pull in your life, that I think it would be wonderful if you could address.) Also, David was sort of forced out of a couple of practices, one of which refused to understand that malpractice insurance, should he continue to practice obstetrics, was unsupportable without hospital assistance; and another of which wanted him to function as an employee, which as a person who had run his own business for decades, he was unwilling to do. This caused a LOT of stress, especially as he was getting toward the later, pre-retirement years of his life, and yet we had a young family and not quite enough set aside yet to retire upon. He shouldn't have had to deal with that. He had a hospital administrator who was actively "after him," always looking for things that he might do "wrong" to try to nail him on. Imagine being professionally hunted like that, at a time of life when you could ill afford it. That particular hospital was part of a network that made it a policy to replace older, experienced (and beloved) physicians with younger, cheaper, hungrier recent grads who would put up with just about anything in order to get a job and start paying back the student loans. And it *did* make daily gratitude much harder. But he was determined to enjoy life as much as possible, and he was the Best Dad Ever because of that. All these pains though are what make me a little sad about his life, the last few years. He came through. But not with quite all the joy and peace of mind he so deserved, the dear man. So - workplace hostility, I understand. And I understand how it impacts on daily gratitude, and the courage required to keep seeing the blessings during hard times.

By the way, I don't believe in stopping talking about the ones who've passed. They're still part of who we are, if we loved them and they loved us. They still shape us. My girls couldn't bear to both lose their father physically, and lose his love by our throwing a tarp over his memory at the same time. Not happening.

Willowwind, what you are doing is what I want to do. It's hard in the depths of really deep cold, such as we're having now in MN (barely above 0° the next few days), to get at the simplifying. Just going outside is a great challenge! I have to put boots on the dogs as well as myself for every walk. It'll warm up again next week though, maybe all the way up to 20! and I hope then to start accumulating boxes and sorting through the house, starting physically at one end and working my way through, room by room, and getting the accretions of the years scraped down and out, little by little. Does that sound like the right way to approach the project? Or do you think I'll "crack" before I get very far?

Dancing on fairly thick ice, over here, ha ha! It could crack at any time, I know. But I'm still trying to dance, and lighten up so as to get more mobile, more ready for whatever New might come along.

Laurie, I don't believe I know what you do for work. I also didn't know you go into London to do it. And what are your degrees in?

I've been in 'mid-life crisis' and transition for a very long time. It's hard for me to know if I'm using the island as an excuse or if it really does stand in my way of some of the goals and I need to accept that and change the goals.

All I can contribute just now is "wow" ! How in touch with yourselves you really are.

I find I am on the spectrum somewhere between Katye (one step at a time...) and Cattledog's neighbors (having everything planned). I'd like to be more in line with appreciating the small things and enjoying moments as they happen. I, on the other hand, only have short term goals. Still trying to get organized here and immersed in my "new" community. Attempting to guide children through their adjustment into a "new" life. It all seems to take an enormous amount of time, planning and worry. Even my gardening/property goals are relatively short term. The only long term thought at the moment is to be more considerate with how we use and care for our small piece of the planet and encouraging the next generation to do the same.

LBF - I think that sounds like an excellent set of goals, long and short - and certainly becoming part of the community is a definate on-goingness. Enjoy.

Gwen - like pix, I work as a therapist - doctorate and masters in psychoanalysis, clinical qualifications psychiatric and psychotherapy, previous degrees in the arts and humanities. Enjoyed them all (although not necessarily when I was sitting in them), and absolutely lucky lucky to have been able to do them.

Joanic, I am really enjoying reading your narrative. Lovely thinking through. Thank you.

sofer - I am flattered. Thank you. But I am also realistic enough to know that the garden exists for me, I really don't want it preserved - the next owner will do their own thing, just as I have (haha!! I've just spent the day pulling out the dreadful dreadful Loncera Nitida hedge at the front - another 1.5 mtrs tomorrow and it is gone!!!!) Just thinking about the next owner making changes - I'd love to see them trying to take out that big patio!! It would need dynamite!

Joanic, I am saddened to hear of the treatment your husband endured in his last years a physician.You are so right that workplace hostility absolutely exists, and sometimes it takes only one person to really stir things up. I feel very, very fortunate that I can be my own employer and don't quite know what I ever did to deserve such good fortune. Part of my job involves working with people who come to a therapist not for psychotherapy, but for work stress due to the very types of situations you are describing. Sometimes I feel as though I have to be part attorney, part strategist, part counselor, and part therapist. Oh, and part medical provider as I listen for the physical symptoms of stress induced suffering. I am always just horribly amazed and fascinated at how completely mean people can be, in a very Machiavellian way. Probably the only reason I can continue to provide comfort and support for people going through that kind of work stress is because I don't have to put up with it myself.

No worries, I'm following that dream. Not exactly to the letter, but in terms of tapping into that artistic side of me that I've given short shrift to this year. Sort of like Laurie's clay tools. My tools have lain dormant. So I guess one of my goals is to have enough time to 'play' with materials. I just love the feel of good materials.

Today I experienced the best and worst of my dreams. I was scheduled with way too much and in order to do my dream and help I was pushed beyond my capabilities. But I had one client bring me lunch and another my supper each one with a hug of thanks. Today is recorded with a fond memory despite the stress. Life is good!

sofer, that is a good day.