"If you know that someone is speaking badly of you behind your back, and if you react to that negativity with a feeling of hurt, then you destroy your own peace of mind. One's pain is one's own creation. One should treat such things as if they are wind behind one's ear. In other words, just brush them aside. To a large extent, whether or not one suffers pain depends on how one responds to a given situation. What makes a difference is whether or not one is too sensitive and takes things too seriously."
The 14th Dalai Lama
I think these words apply to so many situations beyond back-stabbing.
Wise words...
So true. I try not to take it personally when a car cuts me off in traffic. The person driving doesn't know me; just see me as a car so how can I really take offense. Just go on with your day and be happy. :-)
SOmetimes though, hearing bad things may make one look inward and search if there is any justification. I know too many people in the world today that just "do their own thing" without concern for how it may affect others. We all live in the same world and need to realize that our actions affect others whether it be by our direct actions or hurtful words.
Yeah, one can look inward, but one doesn't have to get upset. The Dalai Lama is hardly encouraging people to "just do their own thing".
Just treat it as information, it's either true or false. The 'hurt' is self-generated is his point.
Some times it is hard not to let it "hurt" My Dad was one of those who did not care how much what he said hurt some one. It took me a long time to not "care" what he said and try to figure out why he said it.. Maybe that is why I look at both sides of a subject with a open mind. Sometimes what a person seems to be saying is something all together different. That goes for what they type too. Heaven knows that my fingers and brain are not always connected.
Right on the button, wren. It is hard to get to that place, but you realized in your own life what the Dalai Lama is saying...
My mother was the same way. I can still recall some of the truly hateful things she said... but when I can get myself to a centered place, I can hear the words, but not feel hurt. More often, I can feel sympathy for her, because she drove so many, especially her children, away from her. It really had nothing to do with us, her nastiness. I don't know where it came from, but in the end, it was sad.
And it doesn't hurt anymore, because I changed my mind, not because she changed her ways.
Hey Jay: Daili Lama Hmmm is there any connection between him and the Obama Lama??? Sorry! I think I caught some kind of bug from that Jay guy. LOL
{{{rolling eyes, shaking head}}}
=o)
Jay, i agree with you. my mother was the same way til the day she died. i cant understand why so many older people anymore have to say such mean and hateful things..she drove me away and her only grson and gr grandson..it was so sad, she basically died alone..it has taken me the two years since she died to even think of forgiveness. dont knw if i ever will..but life goes on, and we have to make the best of what we have..
cndy...
I hope you do find a way to let it go. It's just downright painful for us when we hold on to stuff like that. It's a kind of addiction, and it controls us every bit as much as drugs or alcohol addiction. We can't think what we want to think... we can't just let our own capacity for love and kindness express itself and grow.
Think about this... who are you when you're NOT caught in that habit of resentment and pain? Do you feel better or worse in those moments when you're doing something you love, something you enjoy.
This is the exercise that reminds me of my good potential and points the way. See if it works for you.
Just remember, forgiveness isn't forgetting and it isn't saying what someone did or said is OK. It just means you're not going to help them hurt you anymore.
Blessings,
Jay
Love those Words Jay i "Heard Every Word" and so did my Heart♥
cndy I feel your pain my dad was the same way and i didn't speak to him for 9 months over the hateful things he said to me.
I found out he was dying and dropped my pride and helped take care of him. He died 5 months later and never even offered to say he was sorry.
God bless you cndy and even to this day in my heart the child loves and misses him but the adult can't forgive all the heartbreaking.
Harmony, I'm so glad you found that helpful.
Here's another little bit... this is really pretty advanced, so it may take a while to really get it...
Think about a time when you said or did something mean...
How did you feel the instant before you said or did that mean thing? What was going on with you, in your life, that set things up for that meanness? Really try and get in touch with how you felt, mind and body.
Were you peaceful and calm or suffering somehow?
When our parents said or did those horrible things, maybe they were feeling something similar, maybe they were suffering somehow and that's the only way they knew to relieve it.
And maybe we can find a start of compassion for both ourselves and them. A little bit of softness around how hard it is to be our best person when we are suffering. And how hard it was for them.
This message was edited Feb 2, 2009 7:01 PM
You are right but it is still hard. My dad was a extreme alcoholic for many, many years. I had to live with them. For over 25 years my DM and I had to put up with his meanness. 3 years ago he had a massive stroke and DM and I took care of him, he never tried to recover, his kidneys failed and he get weaker and weaker.. My so dear sister and brother, who where always his favorites never helped. Oct his pasted way, I did not morn, though my DS and DB did. I proud that I did take care of him, I know that I have noting to be ashamed of and that gives me peace of mind..
Oh yes, I think it may be one of the hardest things we'll ever do. No doubt in my mind about that.
And I'm much better at it long distance! =o)
But you know, we're worth it. We've got great good hearts, we have lived with the results of NOT being kind, and we sure don't want to end up like that. I know I would rather be one of those joyful, kind, generous people I admire so much, so I keep plugging away at forgiving my parents for their harshness, cruelty, stupidity, and selfishness.
I still have my DM. She and I are best friends.
Wren i know how you feel my dad could cut to the bone and leave you in a heap and tell you how much you deserved it.
His weapon was his words and he was very skilled at useing them i didn't grieve for my dad either. I sometimes wonder if God just has enough of them and takes them so us who suffered at their hands can have some peace.
Blessed are the Meek for they shall inherit the earth sayeth the lord........
I am not so sure I am Meek??? LOL
I would definitely flunk in the meek category.
=o)
Don't be so hard on yourselves look what you survived and how you did it. Probably just like i did with one finger in my ear and the other over my mouth and just trembling holding back cause you knew if you said something it would only make it worse.
I am afraid I talked back. I am I/4 Danish and 1/4 Native American. Which is a wild mix. LOL
Oh, I'm irish, german, and cowboy. Veeeery volatile! And look at who I had for examples... I just piled right in for a long time...
but then one day I just didn't like how I felt all the time, and I didn't like who I was, so--being big on personal responsibility and recognizing there will always be jerks in the world and that was no longer a good enough excuse for my behaviour--I kind of lost my commitment to being another mean-mouthed jerk. Not that I never did it again... (don't I just wish) but I no longer could believe it was the best way to go for me.
Jay i did the same thing i fought until i noticed i didn't like the person who i was anymore so i left and as i told my husband it was like i died and a new person was born.
I have had more peace and happiness since that moment and i would never go back to who i was or better yet who i was forced to be....
Right on! I am just really grateful I woke up to who I was becoming. So, I figure I practiced being a jerk for 35 years, it'll take at least that long to get past it and back to square one...
LOL
I only fraught with dad. I am even tempered until I am pushed. Mom is the same way. We get along with people. And usually we can keep our temper but push us to much and we can go off. And I am happy to say that it takes a lot to light our fuse.
thanks all for all the wise words..i guess if you deal with something for 55+ years, its hard to let it go..but i am to the point in my life, that it is "my life" and i dont have to please anyone but me..except maybe DH, but i am still #1 and thats the way it should be. cant keep getting mired down in the past..
i am so blessed that i found alot of wonderful friends here on daves garden..you all are truly a blessing..
thanks
cindy
Cindy... Go for it! =o) Do the work, reap the benefits...
Hey Jayryunen, That combo irish, german, and cowboy remind me NEVER to get on the Bad side of you... I am Irish, german, texan and Cowboy, so I truly understand.
Jah, it's a real struggle sometimes to pass for civilized... LOL
I think that is a common problem. LOL
I think I am just weird. I am also part Belgian and a 3rd generation Floridian.
So that makes me part Danish, Belgian, Native American Red Neck Southern.
We are a heinz 57 breed for sure... LOL glad to count you as my friends....
Hey Cindy those words mean alot to me i lived the same way for 40 years and i reached that same point. ( what you said is just how i feel and what i did and still do)
It took me forty years to let go and find myself and become who i really am.
I'm and "Irish" Scott and just like my irish roots i love the simple life out on a green pature with the wind in my hair and the sun on my face.
Hey Harmony, im irish and scottish and i agree about the sun in my face. now if it would warm up and get rid of this snow i could do that..lol..maybe after i recover from the gall bladder surgery on the 12th i can get out, maybe spring will rear its head!! we can hope!!
thanks a bunch
cindy
and my "girls" can get out and play too
"I have found that the greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion... Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It is the ultimate source of success in life." 14th Dalai Lama
I love this guy... he gets right to the core of it...
=o)
Cindy FYI and i wish someone had told me this when i had mine out to try and be delicate after meals the bathroom best be real close cause your going to need it!
Separate yourself from those who cause you to feel badly. That is a very hard thing to do. If it is your parents, spouse or child, it will take a will of iron. You may grieve for a while, but when you are through grieving, you will begin to appreciate that you have done the right thing.
I didn't separate myself from an abusive father. I was enamored with the charisma that he had. I could only see the good things. It took half a lifetime to see what it was doing to me. It was not until he abused my children that I could separate from him.
Even after he died, I was torn for years between the two people that he was. When I finally let him go I was healed. The hardest thing for me to do is to forgive myself for letting it go on until my daughter's were harmed.
My mother must have had something like Stockholm syndrome as she was loyal to him until he died. She knew about the abuse and at the end, she hated the deed, but not the person. I first dealt with it that way also. Then I went through a period of hate. (I dreamed of stabbing stakes into his grave.) Now, I pretty much just completely put him out of my mind. I don't have any photos of him and I don't process memories either good or bad of him. It still seems twisted in my mind, how I could love him so much while I was growing up and even after I was a parent. I suppose, I had the same problem my mom had. I don't have any feelings at all now. The hate was awful and the love is gone. It is just empty and that is the best way for me to deal with it. Unfortunately to remember the good times, it brings up the bad ones. So, they are tucked away, not forgotten, but not recalled often. No hate! The hate gave control to the abuser and not to me. The love, gave pain to me because it recalled the abuse. So, no love.
I don't know why I have written this. I hope God is using me to help someone. I have never written about this before. I do hope it may help someone.
Charlene
You bring up a couple of very good points, Charlene.
First we need to love and forgive ourselves.
And secondly, we don't have to stay around someone to love them. That's a quality in our own heart, and we can do it from a SAFE distance.
Blessings
Charlene I cried as i read your words it was like reading my own life. Every word touched my heart and soul and i felt your anguish over how you felt torn.
I have lived every single word you have written and my memories too are of the good which bring up the bad.
I thought i was a bad person for walking away and starting my life over but you helped me to see I'm not alone that others have been there too.{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing it has helped me more than you will ever know ♥
( This is why i run from conflict because i spent 40 years literally living it )
Harmony, you are making me cry. I am glad I could be of any help to anyone. I felt a tugging at my heart to write this, as I felt like someone needed to hear it.
Give yourself a big hug and know that you can be happy and be free from all those conflicting memories. Learn where to store them in your head and don't take them out too often.
I have finally come to a place of peace in my life. I must say it is not without some losses that had to occur.
When you get to this place you will know that you are finally where you belong. It will be a very happy place and one that you deserve. Not because you suffered, not because you loved or hated, but just because you are you!
Love of life itself will fill your heart and love will then set you free!
God Bless you!
wow charlene, you wrote some awesome words..words that we can all live by..
not to change the subject, but Harmony how did you put the bold letters and the heart in your message? i have no clue how to do it..and be delicate after meals? yes my bathroom is close..no one told me about those problems..oh well live and learn..i guess
cindy
I had my gallbladder out and I did not need the bathroom being near. LOL