I have one vigna caracalla left. I know there are bunches of you out there that want one but didn't have anything to trade for it, so here is your chance. The prize is my last vigna. I'll take care of the postage.
The contest is for a joke that makes me rofl.
One entry per person
Joke must be G rated .. suitable for Daves, innuendo and word play is ok if its clean
Contest starts right now and ends tomorrow, Saturday at midnight. Winner announced on Sunday.
On your mark
Get set
Make me roll on the floor laughing!!!!
X
This message was edited Mar 14, 2008 5:04 PM
CLOSED: Joke Contest .. Vigna Caracalla the Prize
Ok, here's one....
"peep show"
I don't dare compete with that one....!
What did the farmer say when he walked into the barn and saw a brown chicken and a brown cow together?
"Brown chicken, brown cow"
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable
soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under
the bowl on the tablecloth. He called the waitress over and said, "It's all
wet down here. The bowl must be cracked." The waitress said, "You
ordered vegetable soup, maybe it has a leek in it."
Two hunters are in the woods when one collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy calls 911 and gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence,
then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'
Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."
What a neat idea for this, so much fun!!! :oP
Hi Princess Kathy!
a red head a black head and a blonde head girl were on a plane
the red head bite into an apple said it was too sweet and threw it out the window
the black headed girl bit into a lemon and said it was to sour threw it out the window
the blonde bit into a grenade and said it was to crunchy and threw it out the window
the plane lands the girls get off and head to the park
they see a little girl crying the red head asks whats wrong
a apple feel on my dog and killed it the girls run off
they see a little boy crying the blacked headed girl asks whats wrong a lemon fell on my dog and he killed over they run off
they come to a blonde girl who is laughing
the other blonde asks why she is laughing
the first blonde girl says i bent over to pick up a dime and farted and the building behind me blew up.
my daughter told that one to me. what high school kids tell each other
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
"What a peaceful & loving couple."
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse.
I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."
My baby sister sent this one to me. Ok ... This one is a Blonde Joke! Now, I'm blonde so maybe that's why I thought it was funny.
BLONDE COOKBOOK
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Harold, today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Harold wanted fruit salad for dinner. The recipe said to serve without dressing. So, I didn't dress. What a surprise when Harold brought a friend home to dinner.
WEDNESDAY: It's a good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today, Harold asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Harold wondered why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SUNDAY: Harold's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
Now if only I can talk Harold into buying a bigger oven. I would really like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
... I have no idea what happened to Saturday's recipe! Maybe that particular blonde doesn't cook on Saturday?
Two blondes were sitting in the park one night looking at the moon.
The first blonde asks the second "what do you think is closer, the moon, or Florida?"
"Well Duhhh", replies the second blonde "can you SEE Florida?"
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Why are women no good at math?
Because all our lives we've been told this (holds fingers 2 inches apart) is 8 inches :))
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I know I can't win the plant, just wanted to share the jokes.
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
“Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”
Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.”
The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”
Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”
“Very good,” the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”
Hehehehehe Andrea :-)
Oh gosh, now you've got me going through all my emails that goes through my family and it's hard pressed to find one clean enough for here. This is not the traditional joke and punchline one but I had to add it because it had me in tears literally. I guess if you've ever had a cat that wouldn't take a pill, you can relate. :-)
Instructions for giving your cat a pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcingwooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9.Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15.Arrange for vet to make a house call.
This isn't a joke, but I have to tell it after that last joke. We had a chiwawa (OK, I can't spell). He had to have preventative worm medicine.
My father would chase him down, pin him to the floor, force his jaws open...it was a real circus. The dog would get away! He'd chase him down again! ...he couldn't get the jaws open!...etc.
My mother got the idea of feeding him M&Ms. People know today that dogs aren't supposed to eat chocolate, but we didn't know that. This dog loved chocolate. So, Mom would feed him some M&Ms, one by one, and finally one that would be "special."
One day she was feeding him the M&Ms. The special one fell on the floor! The awful pill fell OUT!
The dog looked at Mom. Mom looked at the dog. He quietly ate the awful pill.
And then he ate the M&M!
So, after that, the dog had his own bag of M&Ms that we children were not to bother. Mom would just hand the awful pill to him, then give him some of his M&Ms for a reward. It worked like a charm.
warning: this is a REALLY old joke, but still my favourite:
how are women and computers different?
computers WILL accept a 3 inch floppy......disc..................
Okay, well this one made me ROTFL, so maybe it will you too....
A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'
The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field over there.'
The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.
See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.
No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a l etter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter
to God.
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
u know who!
Just so you know X, I understand about your 1 entry rule. The second one I added just for laughs. The first one was my entry. I found it a few hours later and it was something my mother sent me a long time ago. I had a bunch of fun. Thanks for doing this and Thanks for all the laughs! It sure brightened my day!
What a fun thread! Even the ones I'd seen before (like "how to give your cat a pill") had me in stitches. :-)
Ok ... So who was the winner of that wonderful plant?