Andy is gone

I am sad to report that Andy lost his 6 year battle with Feline Leukemia on Monday, May 23. Here is the link to my thread from March when I first posted about his illness. I thought those of you who read it may want to know what the outcome was. I am sorry this is so long but it really helps me to get it out. If you are really sensitive or this kind of thing upsets you, I just want to warn you that you may not want to read this.

http://davesgarden.com/forums/t/490053/

I took him to a new vet (remember my saga with the vet I had been using) on Tuesday, May 17. He had lost another 2 pounds since March. The new vet was very sweet and everyone at that practice was just wonderful to me. She sent him home with some antibiotics and barium. He was pooping blood (sorry if this is too graphic or grosses anyone out) and throwing up that foamy white stuff. He had been eating still, but that evening he refused baby food, which he has never done. So I syringe fed him which he did not like, but tolerated me and it stayed down. By Thursday, he was throwing up anything I tried to syringe into him, even water. He was laying in the closet or under the bed all the time- VERY un-Andy like. And he would not even let me hold him. Then he started having what I thought were seizures, but the vet said it was probably mini-strokes. Even those progressed from lasting 5 seconds, at which time he would come out of it and look around all confused to lasting longer and longer. On Monday, he went totally limp in my arms and his head just flopped to the side and he stayed that way. He was dead, or so I thought. I mean he stayed like that for a full 3 minutes and then he came out of it again! But this time he would not even raise his head up and was just doing that shallow panting sort of breating. That's when I knew it was time, in fact, I had probably waited too long.

But let me back up a little bit. I told my husband from late last week that this was probably the end. You may recall that this is the cat he is really fond of. So Monday morning I told him I was taking Andy back in but I didn't really mention that putting him to sleep was a possibility at that moment. So I get to the vet and the lady I saw before (Dr. Caldwell) was in surgery so I got another vet who was equally as nice (Dr. Baxter). He said Andy's temperature was very low and even if I wanted to do more tests or consider chemo if it WAS cancer, that his body was just too weak and he would not survive even a mild sedation. I knew that isn't what I wanted to do anyway. It's just cruel at that point. He gently held up Andy's head so we were eye to eye and said "Jamie, to you see Andy in there anymore?" The answer was no. So he said that I may want to consider telling him goodbye. So I knew that in my head, but I still flipped out and just started bawling out of nowhere and was babbling about my husband not getting to say goodbye and how I had to get to work and I just couldn't do it right now. So Dr. Baxter just silently motioned a vet tech into the room and told me it was okay and we were not making that decision right now. He gave Andy some fluids b/c he was severely dehydrated and gave him a shot of prednisone. Both of which can temporarily make him feel better. So he reiterated it was just to ease his pain and it may buy us an hour and it may buy us a week. So it calmed me down and I went back to work.

I left at lunch to go get Andy and he did NOT look good. I knew that was going to be it. So I did take him home and spent the day with him. He loved to be outside and just lay in the grass so that's what we did. I asked God to please tell me what to do, or better yet, please just take him and don't make me make this decision. I told Andy it was okay to let go when he was ready. By this point blood just kept seaping out of him off and on and he did not even attempt to get up and get out of it. Then he urinated on himself, probably from the fluids he got. Please don't think I am mean. I hate when people let an animal suffer like that b/c they are too scared or selfish to let them go. I did KNOW it was time. I just wanted my husband to get home so he could tell him goodbye and we could all have some closure. I really thought the pred and fluids would help him not be in pain until that could happen. My plan was to take him in Tuesday morning and do it then. Anyway, I put him in a sink of warm water to rinse him off and he did that stroke/seizure thing. That is when he stayed unconsious (I guess that's what he was) for so long. But he was NOT breathing so I honestly think he died and somehow came out of it. My husband called from his cell phone just as I had taken him out of the sink and laid him on a towel. I was SCREAMING and bawling that Andy died in my arms. Then, my poor husband, I start screaming "HE ISN'T DEAD OH MY GOD!!!!" That was the single most traumatic event of my life to date. So Abe (husband) just calmly asked me where the new vet was and somehow I managed to tell him clearly enough. He just said to meet him there. There was no discussion, no "what do you want to do." Nothing. So I wrapped Andy up in a towel and called the vet. All I could choke out was "I was in there with my cat this morning..." I didn't even get his name out but the girl just said "I am so sorry Jamie, we will be here when you get here." So then I manage to say "but you close in 15 minutes." She just said "it's ok. We'll be here." When I got there Abe was in the parking lot and the vet and all the techs were waiting for me at the front desk. I had only been in that place 3 times in my life, all within the past week, and that's how they treated me. We were immediatley taken to the back and the vet told me what a great job I had done and how he had never seen a Felv+ cat live this long. Then he reassured me there was nothing left we could do and I was making the right choice. So he positioned him where Andy could see Abe and I, then gave him the injection. I have never witnessed an animal being PTS before, certainly not one of my own pets. It is really hard, but I urge anyone in this situation to stay with them when they go. The last thing he saw was us and had me petting his head the whole time. He was not scared or confused and I think that makes a world of difference. It also helps ME to know I was there for him to the end, even if it would have been easier to not be in the room at that moment. So he will be cremated and I get his ashes back tomorrow.

As of now, I oddly feel okay. Like I know it will be okay. If that makes any sense. I am so, so sad and I miss him so much. I just start randomly crying for no apparent reason and my heart aches, but I know it will be okay. So that's it! Thanks for listening and I am sorry if this upset anyone to read.

Jamie