Here is a link to a good one...
http://davesgarden.com/forums/t/453156/
It is amazing what you can find when you search the forums for "Texas". Apparently, we come up a lot. So, just for fun, why don't we all do a little searchin', and post the text or links here. Sorta database for Texas related jokes.
Well, why not? (That is not a question, or an invitation to debate this thread or forum, just a simple slang term for "let's get with it")
Fritch, NOT fitch heehee
Texas Jokes
Hers's another...
http://davesgarden.com/forums/t/466684/
http://www.texasrebelradio.com/texas_jokes.htm
I have to highly recommend the Chili Cook-off joke on this link. I havent' laughed so hard in a long time. My husband thinks I've completely lost it LOL
-Julie
This message was edited Nov 9, 2004 8:30 PM
Julie, that was REALLY good.... "WARNING, FOUL LANGUAGE IN ABOVE JOKE THREAD"
Now, with the same link, check out the Texas Phrases, and I will attempt to copy and paste it here. And I will also try to copy the Blue Necks, but I will call it, "You know you're a yankee if..."
Texan Lingo:
The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving
Translation: Not overly-intelligent.
Tighter than bark on a tree
Translation: Not very generous.
Big hat, no cattle
Translation: All talk and no action.
We've howdied but we ain't shook yet
Translation: We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow
Translation: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party
Translation: (self-explanatory).
S/He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth
Translation: Talks a lot.
It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs
Translation: We really could use a little rain around here
Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly
Translation: Appearances can be deceptive.
This ain't my first rodeo
Translation: I've been around awhile.
He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch
Translation: Not the most handsome of men.
They ate supper before they said grace
Translation: Living in sin.
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse
Translation: Rather prone to boasting.
You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits
Translation: You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.
YOU MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF...
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an onramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what applique is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Carolyn Elizabeth, Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.)
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
31. You can do your laundry without quarters.
32. None of your fur coats are homemade.
LOL Fritch....those are great. I'm gonna cut an paste them so I can send DH a copy. He loves to email this kinda stuff to his relatives in El Campo. But ya forgot a few in the Texas Lingo one.
Jeetyet
Translation: Have you eaten yet?
Pertneer
Translation: Almost
He had one too many helpins of them beans
Translation: Full of hot air.
Iffn I dint know better Ida swore he's an aggie.
Translation: He's normally pretty bright but boy that was really stupid.
(ok, ok, so this last one might more of an Austin thing)
Oh and one more for You might be a yankee if:
You think a longhorn is a musical instrument.
The funniest part of all of these jokes and Texas-isms for my DH (remember he was born here in Israel and only lived in NYC and Berkeley in the States) is having me read them to him in a Texas accent. I don't think he can understand half of what I'm saying, but he gets to laughing so hard he starts crying. Anything for a good laugh I suppose ;-).
-Julie
LOLOL....that is Sooooooooo funny Julie.....I wish I could be a fly on the wall to hear that. LOL
PP~glad you like, julie turned me to it
Julie~Thanks for sharing, makes me laugh so hard it hurts...
SO MY POINT IS i MUST NOT BE A yankee THEN
Salvia_Lover, whenI read the Chili Cook Off, I was like your husband - laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face. Thanks so much for the very good laugh today.
You're very welcome Posie4U! I was reading that at night after the kids had gone to bed. House was silent while DH was playing on his computer. I was just about to pee my pants I was laughing so hard. I'd read one sentence and crack up again, tears rolling down my face, then read another sentence and bust out laughing again. My husband thought I'd completely lost my mind LOL ... THEN I read him the Texas/Australia joke (in the accent) and then it was HIM crying and laughing. ;-). I emailed him the joke afterwards and he said it just wasn't the same without me telling it LOL
-Julie
When I read these off to dw she pertneer didn't make it!
LOL good one
;-)
Here is a good one too
http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blgreensnake.htm
Yes, it sure is!!! Laughed my fool head off. Thanks, Calalily, couldn't have come at a better time.
And the moral of the story is if a little green snake ain't biting you, leave him the heck alone ;-)
Thats right!
...oh, boy, that WAS a good one...
AGGIE ROOFERS..........
Two Aggie builders were working on a house. One Aggie was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other Aggie couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first Aggie explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second Aggie got real excited and called him all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
Gotta love them Aggies.............
Dee
Aggie Chicken Farmer............LOL
An Aggie decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die.
He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die.
He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.
and we still love them aggies.............
Dee
DID YOU KNOW
The Pegasus, or flying horse, has been a symbol of Dallas since 1934
when a 40-foot-long neon version was installed atop the Magnolia
Building, at the time the tallest building in Dallas.
In fact, there were two Pegasus’s atop the Magnolia Building, one on
either side of the pole upon which they rotated. In the 1930’s when
the Magnolia Building was built, Dallas was a booming metropolis and
wishing to step out ahead of their sister city, Ft Worth; known as
‘Cowtown,’ they placed two Pegasus’s atop the building so that
no one would think of Dallas as a ‘One Horse Town.’
who woulda belived it.............LOL
Dee
You know you are in Texas when...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to
do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
................LOL.........
Dee
Thank you willow wasp!!!
Here is one I remeber from my younger days:
A west Texas Rancher goes to a little bar in Mexico. Like all Ranchers he loved to talk about his place. Trying to impress one local girls the rancher said "Darlin (that is Darling for you folks from another state) when I go to check my Ranch I get in my truck and drive all day and still not reach the other side of my spread. The young lady replied, Si' Senor , My brother , he has a truck like that too.
This message was edited Dec 19, 2004 3:43 AM