Red Skelton

For those of you who are too young to know who Red Skelton is, he was a super comedian back in the days when entertainment wasn't so raunchy.

Red Skelton's tips for a happy marriage:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She
goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine
is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way
back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets
and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric
chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there
was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was,
she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for
the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"