Friday Jan 18th 2002

I can't believe here it is after noon and no-one has started to post! Guess I get to start. DW is busy getting ready for DD's 8th Birthday party tomorrow (we've had to put it off cuz of the snowstorm we had during that time, 3 wks ago.) Gonna be lots of fun, excitement and smiles around here for the next 24 hrs, eh?
Gotta get outside and get busy so won't go into great detail of the days' goings-on HOWEVER, lets start out with a FUNNY (hopefully anyway)...FOR LOUISA! I wrote the following to her sometime back in response to a project her DH was working on to make her feel better. Bear with me?
NOTE...THIS WAS WRITTEN IN RESPONSE TO AN EMAIL FROM LOUISA (DG)...HER DH WAS SPENDING ALL DAY ON A PROJECT.

Oh my goodness! Sounds like ya'll both have been having a hard day! Hope your nerves, and his are now calm. Just think about it, it coulda been lots worse!
...why it reminds me of the time my neighbor Bert, not a very good "handyman", decided to surprise his wife by putting up new exterior siding on the house. It started out fairly good but, since Bert only has one good eye, you could see evidence of the nails not being hit right square on the head! This caused lots of "minor holes" in the brand new siding. As time went on it also caused one of Bert's fingers to go flat (and then swell to the size of FAT), due to poor aim on the part of Bert's "good eye" coupled with the fact that he was apparently using the "wrong hammer!". (This fact was of course written in stone. The "gospel according to Bert" was well-known at the Bertram household. (Yes, you heard me right...his name really is Bert Bertram!)

Anyway, like I said, things can always get worse. And so they did.
Eventually ALL the fingers on Bert's left hand were either Flat or Fat and completely out of commission. But, having only one or two boards of siding left to finish the job he really wanted to surprise his wife by following thru with the project. As he walked in haste to get the last couple of pieces from the lumber pile he accidentally tripped over his brand new shoe-strings! (Yes, shoe-strings. The shoes were from Bert's younger days when he was able to move much faster and the new strings were a bit long for those old shoes...they seemed to want to drag themselves along the ground in an effort to slow both the shoes and Bert down.) I hate to mention it but when Bert tripped and fell his face made direct contact with an elfin yard ornament that was happily standing there pronouncing "Welcome to my World".

In only a matter of a few minutes Bert's welcome was definitely announced. Amidst loud hollering and assorted verbiage-of-unknown-origin it was obvious that in his fall he had KISSED the elf. Both his upper and lower lips were swollen up like he'd strapped on two horizontal hot dogs from ear to ear.. Poor poor Bert.
To make a short episode even worse I must tell you of Bert's ongoing and undying effort to please his wife and finish the project. If you can't already picture Bert in his predicament then just start here.

Here stands Bert. And next to Bert is his almost-finished siding job, only two pieces to go and he's finished, and feeling rather proud of himself! His fingers on his left hand are either FLAT or FAT, his good eye is blurred as if it is looking underwater, his lips are swollen like...well, you can already picture that! Here stands Bert. Having worked the next piece of siding into place and holding it there with one leg and his FLAT/FAT fingered left hand, he lays his face sideways against the board to support it, pooches out his swollen lips a good two inches as if puckering up for a well-deserved kiss, and has decided this will work perfectly fine to hold the nail in place. Pulling his hammer from his belt loop he brings it up high, takes good aim out the corner of his good eye and swings!

Bert's wife found him laying in the flower bed.
He was half-conscious, muttering something about being a handyman, no fingers, hates elves and shoestrings, and how he needs a proper hammer for the job. She was appalled at the way he "muttered' and didn't seem to make sense...she even criticised him for improper pronunciation(!) as she shook her head and went in the house to fix supper. Poor poor Bert.

Perhaps we've all had days like this. Perhaps not. If not, you must not be a "handyman". {end of story}

Have a good day ya'll!