General Discussion & Chat: Stop and visit, talk all you want. Pt. 20, 0 by terryr

terryr wrote:
Celia, I'm glad you understood what I was saying. I'm a very sensitive person when bad things happen to people I love. Up until I was 18 yrs old, the only people I knew who died were a great uncle and a great aunt. We weren't allowed to go to their funerals, our parents thought us 3 kids were too young. My maternal great grandma and great grandpa were alive, all my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, friends, everybody was alive. I just don't handle death or serious illnesses very well. A long time ago I had to be strong when my life seemed like it would never be the same. I needed to be strong because everyone around me was falling apart. I had to be strong for them. It was silly and I don't know why I thought that, but I was only 18 yrs. old. All I wanted was a rock to crawl under, but instead I cried myself to sleep for years. For anyone looking at me, I was a rock. In reality, I had shut off. I was on automatic. When my emotions were turned back on, it was a roller coaster ride for me. Tears, anger, tears and anger..I just kept switching back and forth. When I hurt, I hurt so deeply, it's painful. When grandma died, another piece of me died also and I think people thought I'd lost my mind. I hadn't of course, but I hurt that deeply, my chest hurt. I sometimes wish I knew how I shut off way back when so I could do it again, but I don't know how I did it. I don't like being so sensitive, but it must be the way I'm wired. And no, I've never suffered from depression. I don't know what depression feels like, but having an aunt and a cousin take their own lives because of depression, I know I've never felt that way.
As long as I'm going, I'm going to tell these 2 things also. 2 months after my grandma died, my mom had surgery to remove a Meningioma. A benign tumor in her brain. My sister and I were afraid that our mom wouldn't fight. She needed to fight. I know it's benign, but to recover and recover from this horribly invasive surgery, she needed to fight. I've been afraid before, but with this and my mom? It was hard. Mom did fight. She's not the same mom as I always knew, but she's still my mom in many ways.
In late Jan. of this year, I was called by my mom. She asked me if I had talked to my dad. When I told her no, she then, in a nonchalant sort of way, told me that he was going into the hospital to have cancer removed from his bladder. I listened as tears streamed down my face. My dad? My dad isn't a big hulky sort of guy, but he's a strong man and I didn't think I could do this. Of course it isn't me that has to go thru anything, but my emotions are in turmoil. Now I'm frightened. I'm scared out of my head. I can't lose my dad. My dads brother and sister both have passed away from cancer. They had colon cancer, but cancer nonetheless. My dad goes again on April 4th to have the procedure done again, because this new doctor says they never get all the cancer in the first surgery, so he feels it necessary to go in again. From there it will be decided if my dad has chemotherapy and/or radiation. And I'm scared. Mom is so far into denial, it's not even funny. This is her husband of 51 yrs. Where's my rock? I seriously need to crawl under it. Think positive, right? But how do I get C A N C E R out of my head?
So there you have it. I've now told why I've not felt much like joking and carrying on with you guys. The world has not screeched to a halt, even though at times I feel like it has in my world. I can get thru this, I have to. Please understand if at times, I'm MIA.

Wow. I feel better. I know that was probably long, it looks to be long from here anyway ☺ so if you all managed to read it all, I thank you. I'm long winded and I can seriously talk your ears off!

Speaking of talking people's ears off, I too, spoke with Tammy the other night for well over an hour. It was way past my bedtime and me still not feeling well, I needed to let her go. She is sad. There are some feelings of being mad, but mostly, she just feels sad. I understand her feelings totally. She told me today that she needs to joke because she's just so upset. She also feels as if her friends were ripped from her. Of course I could only speak for myself, but I assured her that she and I are good. We'll always be good, whether she's on DG or not. Or I'm on DG or not. We pass thru St. James on our way to Bull Shoals and we'll be stopping, just as planned before all this happened, to have lunch. Both ways. I also owe her a smack upside the head LOL

Mau! No, you didn't tell me you all felt Krista has beautiful eyes and smile. I agree of course, but then again, I guess I'm biased. Here's a picture of her when she was about 16 months old. I love this picture!! Tell Pau hi for me too!! I'm his favorite kid, you can't leave me out! LOL

Janis, we need pictures lady!! 8 puppies? At one time?? Oh my!! That's a lot of puppies!!

Overcast and dreary here too. Supposed to be drizzle sometime today and rain comes in tomorrow. We actually had thunderstorms the other day. Which is weird for this time of year in IL.

Have I talked enough?? Probably...LOL ☺